"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
March 30
I'm Your Man
INT. GAY DISCO -- NIGHT
A man is on the dance floor with a partner.
MAN: I'd been up here ten minutes before I realized I was dancing
with another man... I really didn't know what to do. I mean I couldn't very well
skulk off the dance floor with my tail between my legs, but I also didn't want
to be...You know...dancing with him. I tried to act as though I was dancing by
myself, that was cool enough but everywhere I gyrated he gyrated too. Now this
was all very flattering but it was also kind of sickeningly repugnant. I decided
to swing around quickly and make like I was bopping with some hot number on my
left, but when I turned, I came face to face with another man. To my right as
well, in fact when I glanced around, I noticed there wasn't a single woman,
chick, fox or babe to be seen for miles. Only a sea of sweaty men with handlebar mustaches wearing leather and lace. It was then that it hit me, I had, through
some horrible miscalculation of fate stumbled into the dreaded and debauched
excess of a homosexual drinking establishment. A place where limp wrists bend
elbows and look at each other with Judy Garland eyes. I had stumbled into the
lair of the anally attentive and rectally responsive...I was a hetero stranded
in a gay bar...I remained calm.
His dancing partner, now behind him thrusts his hand on the man's genitals.
MAN: Agghhhh! Strategy, I needed a plan, had to keep a cool head. I mean I
couldn't beat them all up. What to do? I had to try and sneak out unnoticed,
bring no attention to myself. But what? Keep on dancing for the time being. I
didn't want to arouse their suspicions, or anything else for that matter. Who
could tell how they'd react if they found out? If they discovered that I wasn't one
of them... Yeah, I had to keep dancing, keep calm and keep my buns pressed tightly
together. I could see that my dancing friend was gonna be all over me in a
minute. His hot steamy male breath all over my neck...licking the little hairs.
Flattering but, of course disgusting. I could see the way he was eyeing my
warrior...I'm driving him crazy. Ha, he loves it, and why shouldn't he? Wait a
second, what if he wants to buy me a drink? If I refuse he'll know... They'll
all know. My God, it looks like I'm in for the duration. I'll just have to tough
it out. Wow, look at them all drooling at me... Take a good look at this fellas!
Ha, ha... Pathetic. Oh oh, the songs almost over, what should I do? I mean this
guy is gonna be all over me in a minute. His timing stinks, he should have made
a pass by now... Poor simp, he's probably shy. Well the songs nearly over and I
just know he's going to ask me to leave with him... Hey, that's a great idea!
I'll leave with him and that way I can get out unnoticed. Yeah, I leave arm in
arm with him and I'm sure to get out unharassed, what a plan... I should
probably go back to his place to make it look good. Well, come on, ask me...
His dancing partner begins talking with another man.
MAN: Shy. Asking his friend for advice.
His dancing partner and the other man leave.
MAN: What? Leaving... With that guy!? Look who he's leaving with...
Pathetic! Take a good bye gander at this! Oh well, I guess I'm
really stuck here now. But what to do? I guess I have no choice, I don't want to
blow my cover.
(to another guy) Hi, wanna dance? I love this song... (he
begins dancing with another man) Jesus, I may never get out of here.
March 29
Ecstatic PM talks to Bush on phone
Hopes for a tummy rub when they meet
Prime Minister Stephen
Harper phoned U.S. President George W. Bush to thank the United States for
helping rescue two Canadian hostages in Iraq last week and then let anyone who
cared know that he called him.
"I talked to Bush! I talked to Bush!” he squealed while breaking out the pom
poms and doing a cheer.
As Harper jumped up and down and his flab flew about, he then added, “It’s a
dream come true. He’s got the most amazing telephone voice. No lie, I got goose
bumps. He’s everything I want to be and everything I want Canada to be. I think
I’d fit much better in his lap than Tony, don’t you? Oh my, I’m as giddy as a
sycophantic schoolgirl! I can’t wait to meet him. Oh God, I hope he kisses
me!”
White House spokesman
Frederick Jones said the president took the call while taking a dump on the
White House toilet and that the phone call lasted about 20 minutes.
”That’s how long it takes George to evacuate his bowels,” he added.
March 28
6 Spring Timesaver Meals
Spring’s here and you don’t want to cook. You want to savour the season. The
secret to success is to cut corners and make really big compromises. Here are 6
Spring Timesaver Meals:
Canned Soup:
Buy the kind where you don’t have to add a can of water, you just dump it in.
This saves you even more time so you can… Well, whatever the hell it is you do…
Uncooked Chicken Breasts:
You save time by not cooking it and then save way more time not having to cook
for the next two months because you’ll be laid up in bed with serious
salmonella poisoning.
Mystery food
in the fridge:
Sure, you don’t know what it is and how long it’s been in that piece of
Tupperware… But tonight you don’t cook!
Dinner at
your neighbours:
Swing by around 6pm and announce you have no plans. Sure, you have to make
small talk with them, but it’s a free meal and you’re not slaving in the
kitchen.
A quart of
milk:
Chug it down fast. You should be able to do it in a couple of minutes. Dinner’s
done and you’re nice and bloated.
Pickled eggs:
Close your eyes and think of steak.
March 27
Kurt Cobain 7"
Action Figure
A
modern day rock icon presented for the first time as an action figure. Based on
his appearance in the breakthrough "Smells like teen spirit" video, Cobain comes
with his guitar and a gymnasium floor base. Clamshell packaging. Expected to
arrive in June/July.
Shotgun and heroin not included.
June
March 25
Blood From A Stone
INT. LABORATORY -- DAY
Doctors Nadler and Fielding standing
behind a table filled with beakers and other scientific paraphernalia.
DR. FIELDING: I got your message Doctor
Nadler, you said you've made a breakthrough in your research.
DR. NADLER: Yes. It all became clear
this morning Doctor Fielding... It was so simple. All I needed was to really
see it.
DR. FIELDING: Congratulations, Ian.
Tell me about it.
DR. NADLER: It's revolutionary. At
long last my years of work has borne fruit. It was all in my methodology. By
simply reversing my analytical bias I was able to isolate the problem and
systematically dissect it.
DR. FIELDING: Which experiment is it
Ian, the infinite time equation?
DR. NADLER: No, no, something new. Tell
me Doctor, are you familiar with the aphorism, 'You can't get blood from a
stone?'
DR. FIELDING: Indeed I am but...
Dr. Nadler grabs a rock from the table
and smacks Dr. Fielding over the head with it. Blood gushes everywhere.
DR. NADLER: Well I've done it.
Eureka! At long last. All those years of research... I've done it... Blood
from a stone!
March 24
Abu
Ghraib dog handler sent to jail
”It was the dog’s idea” defence scorned by judge
A U.S.
Army dog handler was sentenced to just under six months behind bars for using
his snarling canine to torment prisoners at Abu Ghraib.
The military jury handed down the 179-day sentence a day after
convicting Sgt. Michael Smith, 24, of Fort Lauderdale, Fla. He could have
received 8 1/2 years in prison.
Smith,
who continually blamed the dog, Private “King” for the “shenanigans” appeared
unrepentant when he addressed the jury after he was convicted. "Soldiers are not
supposed to be soft and cuddly," he said, adding that once free from jail he
would be “unleashing” a new line of soft and cuddly attack dog toy plush and
“some other fun goodies for kids.”
”You
squeeze the toy dogs and they ‘soften up’ toy prisoners for interrogation,” he
said. Smith also added that while kids could buy “individual toy dogs” they
would get more bang for their buck if they bought the whole Abu Ghraib toy line.
”It’s really great. It comes with the Abu Ghraib prison, which parents will
find is really easy to assemble, as well as Lynndie England and Charles Graner
action figures, several toy prisoners, hoods, electrodes, and other instruments
of torture, not to mention the dog plush.”
Some of the fun things you can do with the toy include directing Mr. Smith’s toy
dog to lick peanut butter (a jar of which comes with the toy prison) off other
soldiers' bodies, as well the “crap a-meter” which allows kids to frighten the
detainees and then check to see just how badly the prisoners have soiled
themselves.
As for the dog itself, Pvt. “King” received a swat on the nose with a newspaper
and was called “a bad dog.”
Pvt. King was last seen whimpering with his tail between his legs.
This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
satan rock psoriasis
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senile cartoons
bush showing signs of insanity
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a very passive and repressed sagittarius
crazy ant
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Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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