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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
March 23
HEY KIDS, IT’S TIME FOR MORE
ASK FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER...
Advice for
the lovelorn, stitch-faced, bolt headed, confused, possibly Transylvanian and
all monstrous stops in-between and between the in-between.
Ask Frank!
Dear
Frankenstein’s Monster:
I’m a reasonably attractive 23-year old theatre student with varied interests,
all in the area of theatre. Yes, I have a promising future in theatre, and
perhaps in poetry as well; so as you can see, I am bound to make millions. But
strangely enough, I’ve never had any luck with women. Don’t they like
actors/poets anymore? Anyway, eight months ago, I began studying self-help
dating books. I have taken all the advice of these books: increased my social
circle, learned a foreign language, have a repertoire of “Knock Knock” jokes,
and have used online dating services. And yet I’ve only had a couple of dates
and no second ones. Despite my new wealth of knowledge on the subject of dating,
I figured I’d get your opinion.
Frankenstein Monster Say:
Mrrragggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!! You sound like you book smart virgin. No, me take it
back, you just sound like virgin. And not that smart of one. Stop reading
book, stop getting advice, ummm, after you get advice from me, that is. To be
frank… enstein, ha, ha, ha, that one always cracks Frankie up, hah… Mrragh,
anyway, truth is dating should be fun. Okay, Frankenstein have a few bad
experiences himself with women… Bride of Frankenstein no want to have anything
to do with me and that make for one lousy honeymoon. Frankenstein’s large
testicles turn blue… But, this not about Frankenstein, this about you. Your
problem this: You view dating as a task. Put away notebook (but don’t set on
fire, Frankenstein HATE fire!) and go out. Stop viewing dating scene like you
Jane Goodale and everyone else chimpanzee. Be yourself. Sure, that not work so
good for Frankenstein, but maybe it work for you. Mrragggggggggghhhhh!
March 22
Oh, The Humanity!!!!!
March 21
Sex group pokes nose into political bedrooms – long shower after doesn’t help at
all!
PM Harpules displays his repressed
fondness for Classical Centaurs
The Sex
Professionals of Canada (yes, you heard me!) have decreed that ex-Prime Minister
Paul Martin is probably a sex savage with a heat seeking missile when it comes
to his performance in the sack.
"As much as I loathe Martin's politics, my general feeling is this guy loves to
do the nasty; is a very flexible bedroom athlete and is very creative when it
comes to sexual positions. I have no doubt that he would happily let his wife
sit on his face all night if he thought it would help get her multiple orgasms,”
reads SPOC's assessment of the former prime minister on its website.
Valerie Scott of SPOC said she always backs up her, um, findings, “Oh, I’ve got
proof alright!" the single, hatchet-faced, woman says. "Obviously I have
nothing better to do with my time and so that’s why I go in for voyeurism. I’ve
spent many a night outside the ex-PM’s bedroom window watching him and Sheila go
at it, and I have to say, he’s one beast in the bed. He doesn’t have a big
schlong, but I find that men with smaller ones always try so much harder. He
certainly has the biggest balls I’ve ever seen”
But
since the election, Ms. Scott suspects the master bedroom at 24 Sussex Dr. got a
little kinkier.
Scott
says that Prime Minister Stephen Harper may be seemingly straight-laced in terms
of decriminalization of prostitution and stuff like that, but when it comes to
making bacon, he's no conservative behind closed doors.
“He’s a dirty boy who likes to do weird things. It’s very common bedroom
behaviour for morally uptight guys like him. He probably likes to get
urinated on. And whipped, spanked, and beaten. And called a queer. And a worm.
And the scum of the earth. Humiliation is very closely associated with sexual
pleasure in his twisted little world. I’ll know more on this later. Hopefully I
should have some good photos as well. Expect an Ancient Greek motif and lots of
filthy stuff!”
What
will Ms. Scott do after she’s recorded Harper’s sex habits? With the upcoming
Liberal leadership race, SPOC she plans to update its rankings with its
assessment of each candidate.
So far
Bob Rae is a favourite -- politically and sexually.
"If you
watch his ass move, you see in his wiggle that he's self-assured, he's confident
in his body," Scott said. “Oh and check out his bulge, this guy is packing one
lean, mean, anaconda!”
Belinda Stronach was the only possible replacement for Martin already assessed.
Guessing
she'd be a "dead fish," SPOC suspects she'd be like "a bad lay, a boring screw,
less fun than doing a piece of liver, an amateur dominatrix."
"She
figures she deserves it all now and doesn't have to be bothered learning about
it and/or working for it," sneers Ms. Scott, "and that disgusts me. I
spent years working for sex and I have the infections to prove it. I
didn't like having sex, but hey, it paid the rent."
March 20
How Freudian Are You?
On his 150th birthday, the architect of therapeutic culture is an inescapable
force. Do you hear me? Inescapable!! So in the spirit of no escape from Freud
take the Newsweek quiz. There are no right or wrong answers as all are up for
Freudian interpretation and diagnosis. Which means “penis envy” if you’re a
woman and “castration complex” if you’re a man. It’s really that simple!
Sigmund Freud was
born in
a) His
mother’s womb
b) He wasn’t so much born but just happened to materialize one day
c) None and all of the above
Freud’s mother used to call him
a) Asswipe
b) The bane of my life
c) The one who does the laundry
Before deciding on medical school Freud had planed to pursue a degree in
a) Pimping
b) Waste disposal
c) Golf
As an adult,
Freud was most likely to sit down to a plate of
a)
Food
b) Revenge served cold
c) Sour grapes
Freud’s famous patient “Little Hans” was afraid
(afreud!?) of
a) Freud
b) Freud’s mom
c) Freud and his mom
The "illusion" to
which Freud referred in the title of his book, "The Future of an Illusion" was:
a)
Show business
b) Aquatic monkeys
c) Austrian comedy
Freud coined the
term
a) I’m
the man
b) Hug my, I’m Czechoslovakian
c) Shit happens in therapy
Freud spent his
last year in:
a) An
Iron lung
b) A Mexican brothel
c) A state of drunkenness
March 18
The Librarians’ Retirement Party (A Litany of Woe)
The
old librarian addresses the gang at her retirement party.
Well my
Lordy this is a surprise. Thank you, thank you all… And thank you Mayor Barstock
for those kind words. It was very nice of you to come all the way across town
like that just to say goodbye to me. Gracious, I feel like Grace Kelly before
she died what with all this attention. Now I’m not much of a talker, I suppose
that’s why God made me a librarian, but I would like to say a few words.
I
certainly didn’t know there’d be a retirement party – but then again I didn’t
know that I was retiring until Reeve Alcott called me at home last night and
told me the news. A bit of a surprise after 47 years on the job, I don’t mind
telling you… And to get the news from Reeve Alcottt? Well, goodness, it seems
like just yesterday that he was weeping over his acne and his third nipple. He
was a delicate boy. Soft skin and chubby hands, much like a girl’s. The
other boys wouldn’t play with him and he spent a lot of time in the library
crying. You’ve come along way, Reeve.
I am
touched, if slightly hurt. I mean, I know I’m not well liked here. I hear you
talking about me. You all think I’m some old cranky old relic who wants
everything done her way – some dithering old fuss budget that you all laugh
about behind her back. That’s right, I hear you joking. Particularly you,
Annabel, and to answer your question, “no I don’t want to be restacked in the
history section after I die.” You might want to worry more about trying to find
a man than making sport of my immortality. Your grandmother couldn’t fin a man
and I suspect you can’t either. Your legs are bowed – it’s frightening.
Anyway,
I suppose I should thank you for organizing this little send off. I suppose I
should be grateful that each of you took the time to sign a card and chip in 75
cents toward the cost of that bag of cheetos and a bottle of diet soda pop that
you’re all scarfing down. Don’t look at your feet, I’m talking to you! So...
thank you for the party. Don’t start clapping, I’m not finished yet!
As you all know I was the first librarian hire by Pusilimack County. That used
to count for something. It used to get me a measure of respect. Things were
alot different when I started out. Back then this library was a respected
institution, not just a repository for Danielle Steele novels and A. A.
meetings. By the way Franklin, tonight’s meeting has moved back to 9pm tonight
so you’ll have an extra hour to pull yourself together you filthy sot.
But I’m
wasting my breath aren’t I? There’s no place for me anymore is there? I’m just
an embarrassment, something you have to tolerate. But I’m getting pushed out,
sorry, “retiring” and that means you won’t have me to kick around anymore. My 47
years of service are being justly rewarded and this loving tribute is enough to
keep my body warm in the grave for eternity. I hate you all. I hate you and I
resent you forcing me to leave the one thing I ever loved… being a librarian.
You’ve taken my career and my dignity… bastards. I’ll be glad to see you all in
Hell and that’s no joke.
Oh, and
thanks for the sweater; it’s real pretty.
March 17
Bush Continues to Sink in the Poles
AND EVEN WORSE…
He is snubbed by celebrities!
Like a
dead body weighted down and dumped in the river (okay, that’s a lazy metaphor,
but come on, he’s a lazy president!) President Bush is once again facing the
lowest job approval rating of his presidency, the lowest percentage of Americans
who believe the country is headed in the right direction, and an electorate that
greatly prefers a Democratic-controlled Congress over a Republican-controlled
one.
Yet the poll also shows something else that is probably making George eye his
liquor bottles with a “what the hell” attitude: A strong majority believes Bush
is experiencing a long-term setback from which he’s unlikely to recover.
“Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! He’s losing his grip on governance, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha!” says Democratic pollster Peter D. Schadenfreude, who conducted this
survey all on his very own.
But
things get worse for Bush, far, far, worse.
Actress
and singer Jessica “Porch Light on Dim” Simpson, concerned about politicizing
her favorite charity, turned down a invitation to meet with President Bush, a
snub that left Republicans dismayed.
”It’s not like he was gonna Clinton her or anything,” grumbled Dick Cheney using
Ms. Simpson's pictures as target practice. (And yes, missing and shooting
another friend in the face... I know, I know, it's a lazy joke, but come on,
he's such an asshole!)
The blond star of the film “The Dukes of Hazzard” still plans to visit
Washington, “she doesn’t plan to have anything to do with President Shrub,”
according to her spokesperson.
NRCC spokesman Carl Forti said he was surprised at Simpson’s position.
“I guess
she’s not as stupid as we all thought,” he said.
White
House insiders say President Bush’s feelings are hurt and that in retaliation he
invited her washed up ex-husband, pop “vocalist” Nick Lachey, who, it turns out,
refused the invite as well.
”Probably in the hopes of winning back Jessica,” Ms. Simpson’s friends say.
Undaunted, the president then tried Paris and then Nichole and then Lindsay –
but all with the same results.
”He even tried Avril Lavigne, but unfortunately she passed as well. It’s a sad
statement when the president can’t get a celebrity to spend 15 minutes with him
– even a Canadian one!” said a White House insider who also added, “The Jessica
Simpson thing isn’t that big a deal though. And truth be told, George would have
been disappointed upon meeting her. You see, he thinks Jessica Simpson is that
blue haired TV character who’s married to Homer.”
This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
is the next pope the antichrist?
only 295 shopping days left until xmas
seen any elves
dolphin therapy scientology
wedding etiquette bastards
angry villagers pitchfork
ant sperm
tommy cruiser watch to turkey
rock music kills houseplants
canada sucks
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 277
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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