"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
March 16
It’s The Two Crazy Old Men with Beards Day!First up… Saddam!
Saddam’s Sitcom
 
Saddam
Hussein, called to testify in his trial for the first time, insisted that he is
still Iraq's president and called his trial a “comedy.”
“It’s
a comedy – only without the laugh track, smart aleck kids, gay friends and the
rest of the Hollywood infidel caricatures,” he added.
Saddam then let fly with a tirade on why “My Name is Earl” won’t save the
Hollywood sitcom; why anti-heroes could be strong leading characters, and the
merits of a well crafted play. The ex-despot than read from a sitcom pilot he is
developing tentatively called, “The Innocent Playboy and The Bloody Wave of
Sectarian Violence” prompting a shouting match with the chief judge who told him
his sitcom was hackneyed and that the toilet jokes were “inappropriate.”
”This is not funny stuff, Mr. Hussein,” Chief Judge Raouf Abdel-Rahman angrily
commented.
“You
wouldn’t know funny if it bit you on the ass!” Saddam retorted.
”What the Allah does that mean?” the bewildered judge asked.
”Just stick with the tragedy that is your wife,” Saddam chuckled.
”You can’t talk to me like that!” Raouf Abdel-Rahman snarled.
“I am the head of state,” Mr. Hussein replied.
“You used to be a head of state. You are a defendant now,” Judge Abdel-Rahman
said.
”No, you’re the defendant,” Mr. Hussein said without missing a beat.
”Wha?” said the judge.
”I know you are, but what am I?” Saddam retorted while throwing a coconut cream
pie in the judge’s direction.
“Your are being tried in a criminal case. Stop reading your lame sitcom,” Judge
Abdel-Rahman said angrily.
“Had it not been for lame sitcoms, the Americans would have stayed home and
watched quality TV and I wouldn't be here,” Mr. Hussein replied.
He
went on with his sitcom, reading from a set piece that involved the family
dinner, a cooked dog, and a toilet plunger speech, “Oh my God, we ate the dog!”
he read in falsetto, referring to the sitcom families recent wacky
misunderstanding , “Now we will live in darkness and rivers of blood for no
reason.”
Groaning in agony, Judge Abdel-Rahman finally ordered the session closed to the
public.
Crazy
Old Man Part The 2:
Michael Douglas – Cranky Old Weirdo and Beardo
Proving
he can be the old man Hollywood weirdo version of Tommy Cruiser, (and possibly
meriting himself an Insanity Watch here at Avery's Journal) old coot Michael
Douglas is taking some shots at Brad Pitt for divorcing that Friends woman.
"I don't know about Brad Pitt, leaving that beautiful wife to go hold orphans
for Angelina," the wizened fogey rasps in GQ's April issue, hitting newsstands
March 21.
"I mean, con-flab it and gall be darn, how long is that going to last? And
orphans? Aren't we supposed to eat those things?"
The
delirious Methuselah also took swipes at actresses Renee Zellweger and Julia
Roberts: "Prostitutes and whores who don’t respect their elders. Con flab it,
don't ask me what happened with Renee Zellweger. What with her Satan dress and
probing tongue. We’re breeding a nation of whores and harlots and they’re all
going to hell in a hand basket, con-flab it. I don't know how you get married
for four months. It’s the promiscuity. Sure I’ve been married three times, but
do as I say, not as I do, dang ya! In my day, people had respect. And Julia
Roberts, that shameless hussy with Lyle. I’m not out of touch! I… sorry, who
are you?”
As for his marriage to actress Catherine Zeta-Jones, Douglas says he's,
"Swallowing Viagra like crazy. You should see the things I do to her. Ha, ha,
ha. Make the devil’s tongue and Satan probe and then fornicate like the beast.
The beast with two backs, confound it.”
Douglas
161, and Zeta-Jones, 36, were married in 2000 and have a son, Dylan, 5, and a
daughter, Carys, 2. Douglas also has a son, Cameron, 27, from a previous
marriage.
After a
three-year hiatus, Douglas will return to the big screen this year in the
geriatric thriller "Dude, Where’s My Geritol?”
March 15
Mad Cow Alabama
(Sung to Sweet Home Alabama)
Mad cow
cases keep on coming
Confirmed by a private veterinarian
Telling us it’s a batty bovine
the mad cows are back again
Yes, once again
Well I heard it's the third case in the U.S.
Well, I heard the cow was put down
Well, I hope the U.S. AD will remember
The Japanese don’t want that beef around
Mad cow Alabama
Where the BSE’s are so true
Mad cow Alabama
Lord, they’ll be destroying you
They say it didn’t enter the food chain
That they did all they could do
Now eating a burger sort of scares me
And I’m not very good with chicken to
Avian flu!
Mad cow Alabama
Where contaminated cows all go moo
Mad cow Alabama
Lord, I won’t be eating you
Now that ol’ cow’s brain is a wasting
They don’t call ‘em downers ‘cause their no fun
Lord it’s because of all the
bovine
spongiform
And now that cow it is done
So get your gun!
Mad cow Alabama
Bovines buried on the farm
Mad cow Alabama
Lord, there’s cause for real alarm
March 14
Happy 2 Years!Well,
here we are. Today is our big 2nd anniversary celebration and I
want to say I couldn’t have down it without all you good people. Thanks gang!
Sure, I had hinted earlier about perhaps getting you to send me some gifts.
Clearly, I was too subtle. Which is ironic because as I’m sure you’re all
aware that subtlety has never been my strong point.
Anyway, in the spirit of all this harmony, communal love and lack of presents, I
figured that I’d open up the Avery Ant Art Archives and show you a few of the
early art/ant designs that ultimately led to the final, and sexy, creation that
is me, Avery Ant.
Cheers!
Well,
let’s see… Um, this one is notable because it gave us my t-shirt slogan and
sexy legs. I think losing the triangle head was the right call.
You’d barely recognize me here, would ya? Although this does bear a striking
similarity to me on my extremely hungover days. As you can see, my head started
to get rounder and my arms and legs were designed incorporating a “hairy” and
“non hairy” look. Get a load of my claws!
And there I am! (FYI: No. 9…) And looking damn fine, I might add. We all
agreed that this was the most “cartoony” and “sexy” look.
I’ve never looked back. Well, until today…
March 13
Canadian
Tire Finally Gets Tired of The Canadian Tire Guy and Retires Him
We won't have TCTG to kick around anymore
R.I.P.
Canadian Tire Guy. (Rust In Peace)
1998 – 2006
Most
annoying Canadian, wuss, know-it-all, lousy neighbour, possibly latent,
husband to wife who was always described as “long suffering” shill of wiper
blades and the endless list of Cantonese Tire crap, deemed a neutered male,
vilified by many, ridiculed by the rest... But who do we mock and rail
against
now?
March 12
Lost in the Eaton Centre
After two weeks of exhaustive aerial and ground searches the man lost in The
Toronto Eaton Centre Mall has been found alive but shaken.
“Honest to God I thought I would never see civilization again" said Rudolph
Fahlgren moments after security teams reunited him with his worried family.
Fahlgren, a 37-year-old alchemy student from Medicine Hat was in Toronto
visiting his brother Aldrick when their day trip to the Centre turned into a
desperate struggle for survival.
The
two brothers were perusing novelty items and gag gifts when they were suddenly
separated by a gaggle of goose stepping German tourists. "The last thing I
remember is seeing Aldrick through a sea of lederhosen and hearing him scream,
`The Fountain... Meet me at the fountain,' but of course I never made it."
When
Rudolph failed to appear at the rendezvous point Aldrick notified Security who
launched an immediate investigation. Head of Security Elias Rickman was in
charge. Rickman, a heavy set, baggy-eyed and pock-marked, semi-pro bowler,
describes the ordeal while twirling a plain doughnut around his index finger.
"We're not allowed to carry guns so that really hampers things around here."
When
asked what course of action he decided upon to locate the missing alchemist,
Rickman belches and informs me that, "People make fun of security guards, but
when they want the time or directions then they sure change their tune."
When pressed for more relevant details Rickman elaborates with a tirade that
covers smoking by-laws, the grey areas of loitering, the perils of fast food
courts and, of course, guns. Off the record he tells me "What happened was this,
me and the other guys looked around a lot but that Fahlgren guy is short so that
made it tougher. Around ten o'clock I gave him up for dead and went to bowl a
few frames."
The
following morning the search resumed, with 30 security guards and more then 200
civilian volunteers, but there was still no sign of Fahlgren. "I lived on
instinct; I just reverted to an animalistic state. It was the only way to
survive in there."
Fahlgren goes on to relate a story of courage and determination in the face of
wild teens, frenzied Sunday shoppers, 2 for 1 sales and a seemingly endless
landscape of neon and glass. "I spent my days map making and trying to
re-establish my bearings while at night I hid from the beasts and tried to stay
warm."
After
5 days the Fahlgren family resorted to desperate measures and hired a
Barrie-based psychic who had in the past helped a family from Downsview find a
401 onramp.
"I felt no presence of life in there at all," said Madame Aggie Brown, a well
respected spiritualist and Learning Annex Instructor. "It's a spiritual void
with restaurants."
The family then began a strategy of postering the mall with
photographs of Rudolph taken during his last visit to Disneyland. "He got lost
there too," confides Fahlgren's Mother.
They then set up an information hotline and were surprised to receive over 300
calls a day. "In retrospect, it was probably unwise to have offered the cash
reward," notes Mrs. Fahlgren, "people started showing up with imitation Rudolphs;
it was heartbreaking."
Despite the efforts of family, friends, police and unarmed security guards
Rudolph remained missing and after 12 days the search was called off. Police
spokespeople noted that while they felt that he could still be alive they
"really doubted it," and had lost interest in the case.
Then, miraculously, 14 days after his disappearance, Security chief Rickman
noticed an innocuous looking figure searching for food scraps in a garbage bin
located in one of the Centre's food courts. "At first I just thought he was a
bum so I started to work him over a little but then, after I gave the guy a few
chops to the head I realized this was our missing man. I had solved the case."
Delighted family members greeted a surprisingly lucid Rudolph who flashed a
winning smile at reporters and quipped, "And I thought the 2 days I spent in
Grand Central Terminal were bad."
With that Fahlgren was whisked into a Pinto and driven off to the family home in
North York.
March 10
Ask Dr. Science!
Hey kids, do you have science questions that you want explained? Then send them
to “Ask Dr. Science” and he’ll be sure to answer them for you! It’ll be a keen
and super fun learning experience!
Question: How does the Earth float in the air?
Rachel (Age 7)
Answer: You stupid kid, the Earth DOESN’T float in the air. The atmosphere is
bound to the Earth by the Earth’s gravitational field. Smarten up, Rachel...
Christ! Dr.
Science (Age 53)
This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
bloody hell
australia
gonzo video
behind the scenes with elmo
bad things about april fools
the weeping man
what diseases will the pigeons bring
ant george bush
marijuana rice crispie treat
ant hack comedian
daffy duck sang the merry go round broke
down
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 284
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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