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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
March 12
Lost in the Eaton Centre
After two weeks of exhaustive aerial and ground searches the man lost in The
Toronto Eaton Centre Mall has been found alive but shaken.
“Honest to God I thought I would never see civilization again" said Rudolph
Fahlgren moments after security teams reunited him with his worried family.
Fahlgren, a 37-year-old alchemy student from Medicine Hat was in Toronto
visiting his brother Aldrick when their day trip to the Centre turned into a
desperate struggle for survival.
The
two brothers were perusing novelty items and gag gifts when they were suddenly
separated by a gaggle of goose stepping German tourists. "The last thing I
remember is seeing Aldrick through a sea of lederhosen and hearing him scream,
`The Fountain... Meet me at the fountain,' but of course I never made it."
When
Rudolph failed to appear at the rendezvous point Aldrick notified Security who
launched an immediate investigation. Head of Security Elias Rickman was in
charge. Rickman, a heavy set, baggy-eyed and pock-marked, semi-pro bowler,
describes the ordeal while twirling a plain doughnut around his index finger.
"We're not allowed to carry guns so that really hampers things around here."
When
asked what course of action he decided upon to locate the missing alchemist,
Rickman belches and informs me that, "People make fun of security guards, but
when they want the time or directions then they sure change their tune."
When pressed for more relevant details Rickman elaborates with a tirade that
covers smoking by-laws, the grey areas of loitering, the perils of fast food
courts and, of course, guns. Off the record he tells me "What happened was this,
me and the other guys looked around a lot but that Fahlgren guy is short so that
made it tougher. Around ten o'clock I gave him up for dead and went to bowl a
few frames."
The
following morning the search resumed, with 30 security guards and more then 200
civilian volunteers, but there was still no sign of Fahlgren. "I lived on
instinct; I just reverted to an animalistic state. It was the only way to
survive in there."
Fahlgren goes on to relate a story of courage and determination in the face of
wild teens, frenzied Sunday shoppers, 2 for 1 sales and a seemingly endless
landscape of neon and glass. "I spent my days map making and trying to
re-establish my bearings while at night I hid from the beasts and tried to stay
warm."
After
5 days the Fahlgren family resorted to desperate measures and hired a
Barrie-based psychic who had in the past helped a family from Downsview find a
401 onramp.
"I felt no presence of life in there at all," said Madame Aggie Brown, a well
respected spiritualist and Learning Annex Instructor. "It's a spiritual void
with restaurants."
The family then began a strategy of postering the mall with
photographs of Rudolph taken during his last visit to Disneyland. "He got lost
there too," confides Fahlgren's Mother.
They then set up an information hotline and were surprised to receive over 300
calls a day. "In retrospect, it was probably unwise to have offered the cash
reward," notes Mrs. Fahlgren, "people started showing up with imitation Rudolphs;
it was heartbreaking."
Despite the efforts of family, friends, police and unarmed security guards
Rudolph remained missing and after 12 days the search was called off. Police
spokespeople noted that while they felt that he could still be alive they
"really doubted it," and had lost interest in the case.
Then, miraculously, 14 days after his disappearance, Security chief Rickman
noticed an innocuous looking figure searching for food scraps in a garbage bin
located in one of the Centre's food courts. "At first I just thought he was a
bum so I started to work him over a little but then, after I gave the guy a few
chops to the head I realized this was our missing man. I had solved the case."
Delighted family members greeted a surprisingly lucid Rudolph who flashed a
winning smile at reporters and quipped, "And I thought the 2 days I spent in
Grand Central Terminal were bad."
With that Fahlgren was whisked into a Pinto and driven off to the family home in
North York.
March 10
Ask Dr. Science!
Hey kids, do you have science questions that you want explained? Then send them
to “Ask Dr. Science” and he’ll be sure to answer them for you! It’ll be a keen
and super fun learning experience!
Question: How does the Earth float in the air?
Rachel (Age 7)
Answer: You stupid kid, the Earth DOESN’T float in the air. The atmosphere is
bound to the Earth by the Earth’s gravitational field. Smarten up, Rachel...
Christ! Dr.
Science (Age 53)
March 9
What to Wear to Work: 10 Things for Men
Good news! The codpiece is back with a
vengeance
What
you wear to work depends on your industry, company, geographic region and the
activities you have planned for the day, most image consultants agree that
theirs is a ridiculous job – I mean, really – image consultant? But, hey, they
get paid to spout fashion idiocies so more power to ‘em, I suppose. Here
(according to the sage image consultants) are 10 can’t miss items to wear to
work:
1. A Codpiece. The original stocking stuffer!
Yes sir, the one and only pouch worn at the crouch of tight fitting breeches
is no longer “so 15th century.” All the fops and gadabouts are
wearing them – you should too!
2. 1970 High heeled “Kiss” Boots with silver
flames. If you can walk in ‘em without falling to your death, you should be
commended on this brave and cool retro look. Your feet will hate you, but you’ll
be so busy looking down on everyone (literally and metaphorically) that you
won’t care, all you'll want to do is "Rock N' Roll all Night and Party Every
Day!"
3. A Diaper. If you have the courage to wear
only a diaper to work, then you are truly someone who stands by their
convictions – no matter how misguided. And best of all, when you get fired for
wearing it you can shit yourself with little to no worry.
4. 18th Century Pantomime Costume.
It’s all the rage for self loathing individuals who want to “say it” with this
fashion statement. Show them your “locked in a box” routine. And then get
prepared to be just that.
5. Long Flowing Warlock Robes. For the man who
still lives in his parent’s basement and never tires of hearing people
sniggering behind his back.
6. Full Combat Uniform. Sure, you’re not a
soldier, but that doesn’t mean you can’t dress like one. Khaki green is stylish
and authoritative, plus your business maneuvers will be guaranteed to
please the eye – and the boss!
7. Tassels. Highlight your nipples. Be brave,
shocking – and sexy!
8. Spandex Business Suits. Spandex, long
considered the fashion choice of ageing crack whores and 1980’s rock stars gets
a new look as a business suit. It’s shiny and vaguely aerodynamic.
9. Athletic socks with street shoes.
Most fashion consultants like to say this look is “voguishly anti-style.” Most
average schmoes just think it’s great that their utter lack of fashion is now
trendy.
10. Low-rise pants. "Plumber's crack" is back!
March 8
What to
Say in a Job Interview
(If you Don’t Want to Get a Job)
You should hire me because I'm funny,
sexy, and hung like a donkey
 Terrible
news: You have a job interview!
Fantastic news: Saying the wrong thing could
cost you the job.
Okay, here are the facts: Work blows; 95% of people hate their jobs; and most
people would describe their employment as a soul sucking, yet necessary evil...
But you’re smarter than them. You want to live for the moment and for your
welfare check. And who can blame ya? Unfortunately sometimes pushy family
members, friends, and/or intrusive government social workers insist on ruining
your good time and making you go out to job interviews. The bad news is that
sometimes you’re just gonna have to placate these killjoys and do it. The good
news is it’s actually really simple to screw up a job interview.
The main thing is to ensure that your interview is an utter disaster (which from
your point of view makes it a raging success)… Showing up to the job interview
in your pajamas with a crack pipe in your mouth is always a good start.
The following are some traditional interview questions
followed by some bad answers and better alternatives. Remember, a lousy attitude
will provide winning results and get you back where you belong: In front of the
TV with a beer bottle in one hand a joint in the other.
Why are you looking for a new job?
Bad Answer: I have been promoted as far as I can go with my
current employer. I'm looking for a new challenge that will give me the
opportunity to use my skills to help my employer's business grow.
Tip: Keep the answer negative, in terms of, well, everything! Belch a
lot. Scowl, make a fist and point it at the interviewee in a threatening
manner.
Better Answer: Why am I looking for a new job?
(belch) Because I murdered my last boss and he’s dead and can’t rehire
me.
Why do you want to work for us?
Bad Answer: When I read the mission statement on your Web site
about giving back to the community, I felt really inspired. I was also impressed
with the facts about your growth in the past three years with three new
locations, and a 40 percent sales increase. That's really something to be proud
of.
Tip: At some point during the interview you will have to string a sentence
or two together, and when you do this, I suggest you ramble nonsensically and
occasionally bark like a dog while clutching your genitals. Make this your
moment!
Better Answer: Well, I need a job. Really,
really, need a job. I’ve got a thing for hookers and they don’t come cheap
unless I’m abducting them. I’m a sex addict, ya see. Have been for years. Ever
since I shoplifted my first Playboy Magazine back when I was nine years old. I
was a fat little fart back then. Hoo boy, did that skin mag have a big effect
on my life. Of course, Playboy’s come along way since then (clutch genitals),
and so have I. Bark! Yap! Howl!
I've always wanted to shoot up in a nice clean corporate bathroom
Why have you had so many jobs?
Bad Answer: When I was younger, I decided to sample a wide
variety of careers. That way, when I was ready to choose a career path I would
be absolutely certain that I had found the right one for the long-term future.
Now I've settled on this industry, and that's why I'm here today.
Tip: Give one simple unacceptable reason and
make sure it’s peppered with profanity.
Better Answer: That’s none of your
goddamned business, asshole.
What are your strengths?
Bad Answer: I have a really good eye for detail, and in the past,
I have caught critical mistakes before they happened. When I worked for ABC
Company, I helped the company avoid a few catastrophes this way, so they started
routing orders through my office to check even though I wasn't working in the
orders department. Of course, I'd be happy to apply this skill in any way you
feel is suitable in this company. Another strength I can offer an employer is...
Tip: Misinterpret this question in a
big way. You’ll make an impression and it’ll be the most important kind of
impression – the wrong kind!
Better Answer: My strengths? Let’s see… oh! I can lift heavy objects
with my erect penis. Wanna see?
What is your biggest weakness?
Bad Answer: I sometimes feel impatient with
co-workers who don't work as quickly as I do. However, I've been reading books
about teamwork. I'm learning a lot about people's different work styles, and I'm
trying new techniques such as helping co-workers brainstorm solutions when
they're facing a challenge.
Tip: Admit several major weaknesses that cannot
be fixed – ever.
Better Answer: Wow, where to start? I love to drink booze and I’ll never
stop doing that. I sometimes bring firearms into work and then just start
shooting. I habitually urinate in public – as you can see. I’ve also been
known to sexually harass male and female co-workers. “Predator” was the word
the courts used. But I guess the biggest one is my personal hygiene, which has
been described as a unique combination of body odor and crotch rot.
Why should I hire you?
Bad Answer: When I read your ad, I couldn't have imagined a
better match for my skills and experience than this job. Now that I have spoken
with you, and learned more about your needs, I'm even more certain that I'm the
right candidate. I know that I can hit the ground running and exceed your
expectations because of my experience with...
Tip: This is your big chance to really
squash things – try and come across as keen and psychotic.
Better Answer: Because if you don’t I’ll fucking kill you.
What are your short-term and long-term goals?
Bad Answer: Short-term, I'd like to find a
position where I can build a solid clientele of return clients. I enjoy building
relationships with clients who come back year after year for service and advice.
Long-term, I can see myself taking some additional training over the next few
years, and applying for a more senior position here once I have the right
combination of experience and education.
Tip: Make it seem like this question has never
even crossed your mind (luckily for you, it likely hasn’t).
Better Answer: My what? Um… Christ, I don’t know. Let’s see… Uh, short
term, I’d like to take a dump a little later on. Long-term, get really drunk
tonight and hopefully get laid.
Now that you know what answers will work best for you in an interview, don't be
surprised if the next words from your interviewers mouth are "I’m calling
security!"
This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
satanwave
banks suck
greasy pig studio
the male ego
king hillbilly
salesman farmer daughter jokes
ziggy freud
it's funny until someone loses an eye
crazy ranting insect
jokes about muslim fundamentalists
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 288
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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