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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
March 8
What to
Say in a Job Interview
(If you Don’t Want to Get a Job)
You should hire me because I'm funny,
sexy, and hung like a donkey
 Terrible
news: You have a job interview!
Fantastic news: Saying the wrong thing could
cost you the job.
Okay, here are the facts: Work blows; 95% of people hate their jobs; and most
people would describe their employment as a soul sucking, yet necessary evil...
But you’re smarter than them. You want to live for the moment and for your
welfare check. And who can blame ya? Unfortunately sometimes pushy family
members, friends, and/or intrusive government social workers insist on ruining
your good time and making you go out to job interviews. The bad news is that
sometimes you’re just gonna have to placate these killjoys and do it. The good
news is it’s actually really simple to screw up a job interview.
The main thing is to ensure that your interview is an utter disaster (which from
your point of view makes it a raging success)… Showing up to the job interview
in your pajamas with a crack pipe in your mouth is always a good start.
The following are some traditional interview questions
followed by some bad answers and better alternatives. Remember, a lousy attitude
will provide winning results and get you back where you belong: In front of the
TV with a beer bottle in one hand a joint in the other.
Why are you looking for a new job?
Bad Answer: I have been promoted as far as I can go with my
current employer. I'm looking for a new challenge that will give me the
opportunity to use my skills to help my employer's business grow.
Tip: Keep the answer negative, in terms of, well, everything! Belch a
lot. Scowl, make a fist and point it at the interviewee in a threatening
manner.
Better Answer: Why am I looking for a new job?
(belch) Because I murdered my last boss and he’s dead and can’t rehire
me.
Why do you want to work for us?
Bad Answer: When I read the mission statement on your Web site
about giving back to the community, I felt really inspired. I was also impressed
with the facts about your growth in the past three years with three new
locations, and a 40 percent sales increase. That's really something to be proud
of.
Tip: At some point during the interview you will have to string a sentence
or two together, and when you do this, I suggest you ramble nonsensically and
occasionally bark like a dog while clutching your genitals. Make this your
moment!
Better Answer: Well, I need a job. Really,
really, need a job. I’ve got a thing for hookers and they don’t come cheap
unless I’m abducting them. I’m a sex addict, ya see. Have been for years. Ever
since I shoplifted my first Playboy Magazine back when I was nine years old. I
was a fat little fart back then. Hoo boy, did that skin mag have a big effect
on my life. Of course, Playboy’s come along way since then (clutch genitals),
and so have I. Bark! Yap! Howl!
I've always wanted to shoot up in a nice clean corporate bathroom
Why have you had so many jobs?
Bad Answer: When I was younger, I decided to sample a wide
variety of careers. That way, when I was ready to choose a career path I would
be absolutely certain that I had found the right one for the long-term future.
Now I've settled on this industry, and that's why I'm here today.
Tip: Give one simple unacceptable reason and
make sure it’s peppered with profanity.
Better Answer: That’s none of your
goddamned business, asshole.
What are your strengths?
Bad Answer: I have a really good eye for detail, and in the past,
I have caught critical mistakes before they happened. When I worked for ABC
Company, I helped the company avoid a few catastrophes this way, so they started
routing orders through my office to check even though I wasn't working in the
orders department. Of course, I'd be happy to apply this skill in any way you
feel is suitable in this company. Another strength I can offer an employer is...
Tip: Misinterpret this question in a
big way. You’ll make an impression and it’ll be the most important kind of
impression – the wrong kind!
Better Answer: My strengths? Let’s see… oh! I can lift heavy objects
with my erect penis. Wanna see?
What is your biggest weakness?
Bad Answer: I sometimes feel impatient with
co-workers who don't work as quickly as I do. However, I've been reading books
about teamwork. I'm learning a lot about people's different work styles, and I'm
trying new techniques such as helping co-workers brainstorm solutions when
they're facing a challenge.
Tip: Admit several major weaknesses that cannot
be fixed – ever.
Better Answer: Wow, where to start? I love to drink booze and I’ll never
stop doing that. I sometimes bring firearms into work and then just start
shooting. I habitually urinate in public – as you can see. I’ve also been
known to sexually harass male and female co-workers. “Predator” was the word
the courts used. But I guess the biggest one is my personal hygiene, which has
been described as a unique combination of body odor and crotch rot.
Why should I hire you?
Bad Answer: When I read your ad, I couldn't have imagined a
better match for my skills and experience than this job. Now that I have spoken
with you, and learned more about your needs, I'm even more certain that I'm the
right candidate. I know that I can hit the ground running and exceed your
expectations because of my experience with...
Tip: This is your big chance to really
squash things – try and come across as keen and psychotic.
Better Answer: Because if you don’t I’ll fucking kill you.
What are your short-term and long-term goals?
Bad Answer: Short-term, I'd like to find a
position where I can build a solid clientele of return clients. I enjoy building
relationships with clients who come back year after year for service and advice.
Long-term, I can see myself taking some additional training over the next few
years, and applying for a more senior position here once I have the right
combination of experience and education.
Tip: Make it seem like this question has never
even crossed your mind (luckily for you, it likely hasn’t).
Better Answer: My what? Um… Christ, I don’t know. Let’s see… Uh, short
term, I’d like to take a dump a little later on. Long-term, get really drunk
tonight and hopefully get laid.
Now that you know what answers will work best for you in an interview, don't be
surprised if the next words from your interviewers mouth are "I’m calling
security!"
March 6
Would-Be Peeler PO’d
A woman has hired a lawyer and is preparing to take action against a local
nightclub after owners refused to allow her to strip at a recent amateur night.
Sherry “Scarlet” Larue claims that owners would not allow her to strip due to
her weight and that she was publicly embarrassed and humiliated. “By
definition, stripping is embarrassing and humiliating, so I don’t know why she’s
complaining” said club owner Ralph Kootchie. Kootchie was quick to deny the
allegations of discrimination, pointing out that his youth employment program is
extremely progressive. “No one else will give the high school kids a chance, a
start, I do that.” Kootchie said that the reason Larue rebuffed was due to an
unusually full bill. “Amateur night is very popular. It had nothing to do with
weight, I run a nice place, an egalitarian place...I let my mother strip and
she’s much heavier than Ms. Larue.”
Club
patrons were less then enthusiastic about the amateur night experiment in
general. One audience member, who asked to remain anonymous, said “Amateur
night is a joke. The club should stick with real strippers. You can’t just
walk in off the street and replace a trained peeler. You know, the dedicated
professionals, the half-drunk, 90 pound crack addicts that really know how to
strut their stuff.”
March 5
Tourism Ontario
In an effort to boost American tourism in Ontario, and to be as edgy as
Australia, the Ministry of Travel and Tourism is preparing to launch a new
ad campaign that they feel will revitalize the sagging industry.
Ministry officials are said to be bored to tears with the present ads which
feature the usual mix of urban and wilderness images and are set to introduce a
series of totally new 30 second spots.
Ivan
Drake, the brainchild of the new campaign, proudly calls the commercials "the
biggest compilation of lies and fabrications since I told my wife and kids I was
just going to the store for cigarettes". The campaign, entitled "Ontario: Sex,
Drugs and Some Trees" was filmed in such far ranging locations as the red light
district of Amsterdam, New York City’s Chinatown, and a Scarborough house party.
The
commercials feature images such as nude maple syrup wrestlers, an incredibly
tasteless beaver sequence that has to be seen to be believed, happy shop keepers
passing out free food and licensed hunters gleefully shooting street mimes.
When
confronted with the incredulous nature of the ads, Drake leers menacingly,
"Listen, these idiot Americans won't realize what happened to them. As long as
they can get Budweiser and a Big Mac they're happy as pigs in shit. And even if
they are disappointed they'll be too embarrassed to tell their friends they got
ripped off so they'll lie too. And that means bingo, instant word of mouth. Hell
they don't really care where they go anyway. I mean people go to Mexico and get
the runs for a week but they still go back, am I right?"
There
seems to be no doubt that this campaign is going to stir up a lot of controversy
but the Ontario Government is firmly behind its marketing strategy. Drake sums
it up neatly when he says, "We are using blatant lies and tastelessly pandering
to the lowest common denominator. We are going after the American market. Need I
really say more?"
March 4
What Type of Sitcom Character Are You?
What type of TV sitcom character are
you? The impetuous type who’s always ready to be rash and impulsive? The gay one
who is either uptight and anal or mincing and anal? The stable, boring stick in
the mud who occasionally loses total control of not only their temper but also
their lower extremities? Or the loveable genius misfit who’s never been laid
because that’s how it works in Hollywood. Or there’s the… No, that’s about it.
Boy, except for the gay ones, things haven’t changed on TV in years, have
they?
March 3
Opening
Up The Avery Ant Mail Bag
So, it’s been almost two
years since Avery Ant hit the internet (March 14th is our 2nd
year anniversary, so send gifts of cotton if you’re a traditionalist, or china
if you’re more of a modernist) and I’ve decided to celebrate by sharing some
mail I’ve received over those two years. Let me start by saying that – and I’m
not lying here – about 98% of the mail I’ve gotten has been friendly, positive,
fun, funny, and all that other great stuff. (I promised myself I wouldn’t cry!)
Yes, I’ve made some really excellent friendships because of this site.
But I’m not gonna bore you with that stuff. I think the nasty, threatening,
and weird tidbits are what we all want to see... So over the next couple of
weeks I’ll share them with you. Let’s get started!
Here’s a slightly irate letter from a fellow who was very upset about my
ridiculous thoughts on
Geraldine and Ricky
I don’t know if you know the story about Geraldine and Ricky, but I gather
Geraldine still performs with Ricky on religious cruise ships; that she still
buys his clothes, and that the two of them occasionally still go golfing
together. Anyway, the fellow who wrote me was rather steamed, but alas for him,
he didn’t have a legal leg to stand on – as he noted himself, the piece was pure
“fiction.”
I am a personal friend of Mrs. Geraldine from your Geraldine and Ricky
story. She is still very active in her ministry, and I would strongly suggest
that you remove this fictitious and offensive story from your website
immediately. If you don't I PROMISE you that I will take further action in
contacting her record company and perusing legal proceedings.
Thank You
Not too nasty. Vaguely
litigious, understandably PO’d and certainly well warranted... Oh, and nothing
compared to this one that I received after my rant,
Hard-Core Right Wing Sex
was posted.
Back then George W. Bush was at his height of popularity (today
he’s at 34%), Bill O’Reilly was fresh off his dildo scandal, and the war in Iraq
would be over any day soon. Heady and patriotic times as indicated in this
little missive: It was sent to me a couple of days after Christmas 2004. Ho, ho,
ho…
You sicken me. I know your type. Our brave soldiers are off fighting
and you sit like a coward in the background. Why don’t you do something useful
for once in your life? I bet you throw blood on our brave soldiers when they
return home…
Then there was this rather
puzzling one in regard to the enjoyable couple of months during which I kept
everyone up to speed on the
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch As you can see, the email certainly isn’t
hostile, just weird; weird like… well, Tom Cruise!
Dear Sirs,
If you were actually really look at what Tom Cruise had
done and why he is exposing the criminality of drugging of children on Ritalin
you might understand why he is gaining so much support in within intelligent
media and the medical establishment.
If you think for one minute that Mr Cruise would have
made a move such as that without first getting his facts straight then you have
completely mis-observed his intelligence level and the intelligence of those
helping him.
I suggest that you really take a look at the facts.
Remember Tom jumping up and down on
Oprah's couch? He was so crazy! It was funny.
Ah memories…
I'll have more letters in the next few days, including a well written email
calmly explaining why I’m going to hell, and a rather intriguing and
polymorphously perverse sexual offer.
March 2
Shocking Revelation! Americans are more
knowledgeable about cartoons than history
Can you name this U.S. president?
Time to pretend to act surprised! Americans, it turns out, know more about “The
Simpsons” than they do about the First Amendment.
Yes, only one in four Americans can name more than one of the five freedoms
guaranteed by the First Amendment. (My guess – Sleepy, Grumpy, Dopey, Dancer
and Vixen – am I right?)
But more than half can name at least two members of the cartoon Simpson family,
according to a survey. (My guess -- Ulysses and Dildo Hair – am I right?)
Joe Madeira, director of exhibitions at the museum, says he can’t believe that
some people are actually surprised by the results.
“What do you expect? That people would read books? Ha! Grow up! More people
watch TV as opposed to, well, anything! Especially reading. Especially
Constitutional History reading! Christ, I’d say that unless it has pictures in
it, most Americans avoid books all way round. This isn’t news,” he said.
The
survey found more people could name the three “American Idol” judges (my guess –
Rerun, Slutty, and Nasty – am I right?) than identify three First Amendment
rights.
It also
showed that people misidentified First Amendment rights. About one in five
people thought the right to eat a pet was protected, and 38 percent said they
believed the right against self-incrimination had something to do with manual
masturbation, the survey found.
This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
satanwave
banks suck
greasy pig studio
the male ego
king hillbilly
salesman farmer daughter jokes
ziggy freud
it's funny until someone loses an eye
crazy ranting insect
jokes about muslim fundamentalists
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 292
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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