"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
Say in a Job Interview
(If you Don’t Want to Get a Job)
You should hire me because I'm funny,
sexy, and hung like a donkey
news: You have a job interview!
Fantastic news: Saying the wrong thing could
cost you the job.
Okay, here are the facts: Work blows; 95% of people hate their jobs; and most
people would describe their employment as a soul sucking, yet necessary evil...
But you’re smarter than them. You want to live for the moment and for your
welfare check. And who can blame ya? Unfortunately sometimes pushy family
members, friends, and/or intrusive government social workers insist on ruining
your good time and making you go out to job interviews. The bad news is that
sometimes you’re just gonna have to placate these killjoys and do it. The good
news is it’s actually really simple to screw up a job interview.
The main thing is to ensure that your interview is an utter disaster (which from
your point of view makes it a raging success)… Showing up to the job interview
in your pajamas with a crack pipe in your mouth is always a good start.
The following are some traditional interview questions
followed by some bad answers and better alternatives. Remember, a lousy attitude
will provide winning results and get you back where you belong: In front of the
TV with a beer bottle in one hand a joint in the other.
Why are you looking for a new job?
Bad Answer: I have been promoted as far as I can go with my
current employer. I'm looking for a new challenge that will give me the
opportunity to use my skills to help my employer's business grow.
Tip: Keep the answer negative, in terms of, well, everything! Belch a
lot. Scowl, make a fist and point it at the interviewee in a threatening
Better Answer: Why am I looking for a new job?
(belch) Because I murdered my last boss and he’s dead and can’t rehire
Why do you want to work for us?
Bad Answer: When I read the mission statement on your Web site
about giving back to the community, I felt really inspired. I was also impressed
with the facts about your growth in the past three years with three new
locations, and a 40 percent sales increase. That's really something to be proud
Tip: At some point during the interview you will have to string a sentence
or two together, and when you do this, I suggest you ramble nonsensically and
occasionally bark like a dog while clutching your genitals. Make this your
Better Answer: Well, I need a job. Really,
really, need a job. I’ve got a thing for hookers and they don’t come cheap
unless I’m abducting them. I’m a sex addict, ya see. Have been for years. Ever
since I shoplifted my first Playboy Magazine back when I was nine years old. I
was a fat little fart back then. Hoo boy, did that skin mag have a big effect
on my life. Of course, Playboy’s come along way since then (clutch genitals),
and so have I. Bark! Yap! Howl!
I've always wanted to shoot up in a nice clean corporate bathroom
Why have you had so many jobs?
Bad Answer: When I was younger, I decided to sample a wide
variety of careers. That way, when I was ready to choose a career path I would
be absolutely certain that I had found the right one for the long-term future.
Now I've settled on this industry, and that's why I'm here today.
Tip: Give one simple unacceptable reason and
make sure it’s peppered with profanity.
Better Answer: That’s none of your
goddamned business, asshole.
What are your strengths?
Bad Answer: I have a really good eye for detail, and in the past,
I have caught critical mistakes before they happened. When I worked for ABC
Company, I helped the company avoid a few catastrophes this way, so they started
routing orders through my office to check even though I wasn't working in the
orders department. Of course, I'd be happy to apply this skill in any way you
feel is suitable in this company. Another strength I can offer an employer is...
Tip: Misinterpret this question in a
big way. You’ll make an impression and it’ll be the most important kind of
impression – the wrong kind!
Better Answer: My strengths? Let’s see… oh! I can lift heavy objects
with my erect penis. Wanna see?
What is your biggest weakness?
Bad Answer: I sometimes feel impatient with
co-workers who don't work as quickly as I do. However, I've been reading books
about teamwork. I'm learning a lot about people's different work styles, and I'm
trying new techniques such as helping co-workers brainstorm solutions when
they're facing a challenge.
Tip: Admit several major weaknesses that cannot
be fixed – ever.
Better Answer: Wow, where to start? I love to drink booze and I’ll never
stop doing that. I sometimes bring firearms into work and then just start
shooting. I habitually urinate in public – as you can see. I’ve also been
known to sexually harass male and female co-workers. “Predator” was the word
the courts used. But I guess the biggest one is my personal hygiene, which has
been described as a unique combination of body odor and crotch rot.
Why should I hire you?
Bad Answer: When I read your ad, I couldn't have imagined a
better match for my skills and experience than this job. Now that I have spoken
with you, and learned more about your needs, I'm even more certain that I'm the
right candidate. I know that I can hit the ground running and exceed your
expectations because of my experience with...
Tip: This is your big chance to really
squash things – try and come across as keen and psychotic.
Better Answer: Because if you don’t I’ll fucking kill you.
What are your short-term and long-term goals?
Bad Answer: Short-term, I'd like to find a
position where I can build a solid clientele of return clients. I enjoy building
relationships with clients who come back year after year for service and advice.
Long-term, I can see myself taking some additional training over the next few
years, and applying for a more senior position here once I have the right
combination of experience and education.
Tip: Make it seem like this question has never
even crossed your mind (luckily for you, it likely hasn’t).
Better Answer: My what? Um… Christ, I don’t know. Let’s see… Uh, short
term, I’d like to take a dump a little later on. Long-term, get really drunk
tonight and hopefully get laid.
Now that you know what answers will work best for you in an interview, don't be
surprised if the next words from your interviewers mouth are "I’m calling
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