"I Think, Therefore I Ant."

March 6

Would-Be Peeler PO’d

A woman has hired a lawyer and is preparing to take action against a local nightclub after owners refused to allow her to strip at a recent amateur night.  Sherry “Scarlet” Larue claims that owners would not allow her to strip due to her weight and that she was publicly embarrassed and humiliated.  “By definition, stripping is embarrassing and humiliating, so I don’t know why she’s complaining” said club owner Ralph Kootchie.  Kootchie was quick to deny the allegations of discrimination, pointing out that his youth employment program is extremely progressive.  “No one else will give the high school kids a chance, a start, I do that.”  Kootchie said that the reason Larue rebuffed was due to an unusually full bill.  “Amateur night is very popular.  It had nothing to do with weight, I run a nice place, an egalitarian place...I let my mother strip and she’s much heavier than Ms. Larue.”

Club patrons were less then enthusiastic about the amateur night experiment in general.  One audience member, who asked to remain anonymous, said “Amateur night is a joke.  The club should stick with real strippers.  You can’t just walk in off the street and replace a trained peeler.  You know, the dedicated professionals, the half-drunk, 90 pound crack addicts that really know how to strut their stuff.”

March 5

Tourism Ontario


In an effort to boost American tourism in Ontario, and to be as edgy as Australia, the Ministry of Travel and Tourism is preparing to launch a new ad campaign that they feel will revitalize the sagging industry.

Ministry officials are said to be bored to tears with the present ads which feature the usual mix of urban and wilderness images and are set to introduce a series of totally new 30 second spots.

Ivan Drake, the brainchild of the new campaign, proudly calls the commercials "the biggest compilation of lies and fabrications since I told my wife and kids I was just going to the store for cigarettes". The campaign, entitled "Ontario: Sex, Drugs and Some Trees" was filmed in such far ranging locations as the red light district of Amsterdam, New York City’s Chinatown, and a Scarborough house party.

The commercials feature images such as nude maple syrup wrestlers, an incredibly tasteless beaver sequence that has to be seen to be believed, happy shop keepers passing out free food and licensed hunters gleefully shooting street mimes.

When confronted with the incredulous nature of the ads, Drake leers menacingly, "Listen, these idiot Americans won't realize what happened to them. As long as they can get Budweiser and a Big Mac they're happy as pigs in shit. And even if they are disappointed they'll be too embarrassed to tell their friends they got ripped off so they'll lie too. And that means bingo, instant word of mouth. Hell they don't really care where they go anyway. I mean people go to Mexico and get the runs for a week but they still go back, am I right?"

There seems to be no doubt that this campaign is going to stir up a lot of controversy but the Ontario Government is firmly behind its marketing strategy. Drake sums it up neatly when he says, "We are using blatant lies and tastelessly pandering to the lowest common denominator. We are going after the American market. Need I really say more?" 

March 4

What Type of Sitcom Character Are You?


What type of TV sitcom character are you? The impetuous type who’s always ready to be rash and impulsive? The gay one who is either uptight and anal or mincing and anal? The stable, boring stick in the mud who occasionally loses total control of not only their temper but also their lower extremities? Or the loveable genius misfit who’s never been laid because that’s how it works in Hollywood. Or there’s the… No, that’s about it. Boy, except for the gay ones, things haven’t changed on TV in years, have they?  

March 3

Opening Up The Avery Ant Mail Bag


So, it’s been almost two years since Avery Ant hit the internet (March 14^th is our 2^nd year anniversary, so send gifts of cotton if you’re a traditionalist, or china if you’re more of a modernist) and I’ve decided to celebrate by sharing some mail I’ve received over those two years.  Let me start by saying that – and I’m not lying here – about 98% of the mail I’ve gotten has been friendly, positive, fun, funny, and all that other great stuff. (I promised myself I wouldn’t cry!)  Yes, I’ve made  some really excellent friendships because of this site.  But I’m not gonna bore you with that stuff.  I think the nasty, threatening, and weird tidbits are what we all want to see... So over the next couple of weeks I’ll share them with you.  Let’s get started!    

Here’s a slightly irate letter from a fellow who was very upset about my ridiculous thoughts on Geraldine and Ricky

I don’t know if you know the story about Geraldine and Ricky, but I gather Geraldine still performs with Ricky on religious cruise ships; that she still buys his clothes, and that the two of them occasionally still go golfing together.  Anyway, the fellow who wrote me was rather steamed, but alas for him, he didn’t have a legal leg to stand on – as he noted himself, the piece was pure “fiction.”

I am a personal friend of Mrs. Geraldine from your Geraldine and Ricky story.  She is still very active in her ministry, and I would strongly suggest that you remove this fictitious and offensive story from your website immediately. If you don't I PROMISE you that I will take further action in contacting her record company and perusing legal proceedings. 
Thank You

Not too nasty. Vaguely litigious, understandably PO’d and certainly well warranted...  Oh, and nothing compared to this one that I received after my rant, Hard-Core Right Wing Sex  was posted.

Back then George W. Bush was at his height of popularity (today he’s at 34%), Bill O’Reilly was fresh off his dildo scandal, and the war in Iraq would be over any day soon.  Heady and patriotic times as indicated in this little missive: It was sent to me a couple of days after Christmas 2004. Ho, ho, ho…

You sicken me.  I know your type. Our brave soldiers are off fighting and you sit like a coward in the background.  Why don’t you do something useful for once in your life? I bet you throw blood on our brave soldiers when they return home…

Then there was this rather puzzling one in regard to the  enjoyable couple of months during which I kept everyone up to speed on the Tom Cruise Insanity Watch  As you can see, the email certainly isn’t hostile, just weird; weird like… well, Tom Cruise!

Dear Sirs,

If you were actually really look at what Tom Cruise had done and why he is exposing the criminality of drugging of children on Ritalin you might understand why he is gaining so much support in within intelligent media and the medical establishment.

If you think for one minute that Mr Cruise would have made a move such as that without first getting his facts straight then you have completely mis-observed his intelligence level and the intelligence of those helping him.

I suggest that you really take a look at the facts.

The survey found more people could name the three “American Idol” judges (my guess – Rerun, Slutty, and Nasty – am I right?)  than identify three First Amendment rights.

It also showed that people misidentified First Amendment rights. About one in five people thought the right to eat a pet was protected, and 38 percent said they believed the right against self-incrimination had something to do with manual masturbation, the survey found.

March 1 (Rabbits!)

And My Point Is…?


I never thought about God until I read the bible. He figures prominently in it, you see. From what I’ve read, God seems really sexually frustrated. Now I’ve never been sexually frustrated and I don’t think masturbation causes blindness. In fact, I don’t see blindness as a disability; after all, the world is so messy. And really, disability is nothing but ability proceeded by an incorrect pronunciation of ‘this.’ Ergo a friend is nothing but a fiend without an ‘R.’ …The problem with friends is they’re always pestering you with their personal problems. Personally, I find most people’s problems stem from a lack of good fashion sense. Which begs the question, can a well dressed man write a well made play?  Sure, that’s a cliché. But I never knew a cliché that didn’t hold water. And there’s a lot of water between me and Austria. Now I’ve never been to Austria but I’m sure it’s similar to Australia. Only smaller. If I ever do get to Austria, I’ll visit the churches. I’ve always wondered: if a church is a house of God why don’t they serve the guests cocktails? I don’t know.  Like I said, I never thought about God until I read the bible. He figures prominently in it, you see.   


This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for Avery Ant

The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com  (really!)

satanwave
banks suck
greasy pig studio 
the male ego
king hillbilly
salesman farmer daughter jokes
ziggy freud
it's funny until someone loses an eye
crazy ranting insect
jokes about muslim fundamentalists

Last Christmas is so 2005...


Only 294 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!

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