"I Think, Therefore I Ant."

March 4

What Type of Sitcom Character Are You?


What type of TV sitcom character are you? The impetuous type who’s always ready to be rash and impulsive? The gay one who is either uptight and anal or mincing and anal? The stable, boring stick in the mud who occasionally loses total control of not only their temper but also their lower extremities? Or the loveable genius misfit who’s never been laid because that’s how it works in Hollywood. Or there’s the… No, that’s about it. Boy, except for the gay ones, things haven’t changed on TV in years, have they?  

March 3

Opening Up The Avery Ant Mail Bag


So, it’s been almost two years since Avery Ant hit the internet (March 14^th is our 2^nd year anniversary, so send gifts of cotton if you’re a traditionalist, or china if you’re more of a modernist) and I’ve decided to celebrate by sharing some mail I’ve received over those two years.  Let me start by saying that – and I’m not lying here – about 98% of the mail I’ve gotten has been friendly, positive, fun, funny, and all that other great stuff. (I promised myself I wouldn’t cry!)  Yes, I’ve made  some really excellent friendships because of this site.  But I’m not gonna bore you with that stuff.  I think the nasty, threatening, and weird tidbits are what we all want to see... So over the next couple of weeks I’ll share them with you.  Let’s get started!    

Here’s a slightly irate letter from a fellow who was very upset about my ridiculous thoughts on Geraldine and Ricky

I don’t know if you know the story about Geraldine and Ricky, but I gather Geraldine still performs with Ricky on religious cruise ships; that she still buys his clothes, and that the two of them occasionally still go golfing together.  Anyway, the fellow who wrote me was rather steamed, but alas for him, he didn’t have a legal leg to stand on – as he noted himself, the piece was pure “fiction.”

I am a personal friend of Mrs. Geraldine from your Geraldine and Ricky story.  She is still very active in her ministry, and I would strongly suggest that you remove this fictitious and offensive story from your website immediately. If you don't I PROMISE you that I will take further action in contacting her record company and perusing legal proceedings. 
Thank You

Not too nasty. Vaguely litigious, understandably PO’d and certainly well warranted...  Oh, and nothing compared to this one that I received after my rant, Hard-Core Right Wing Sex  was posted.

Back then George W. Bush was at his height of popularity (today he’s at 34%), Bill O’Reilly was fresh off his dildo scandal, and the war in Iraq would be over any day soon.  Heady and patriotic times as indicated in this little missive: It was sent to me a couple of days after Christmas 2004. Ho, ho, ho…

You sicken me.  I know your type. Our brave soldiers are off fighting and you sit like a coward in the background.  Why don’t you do something useful for once in your life? I bet you throw blood on our brave soldiers when they return home…

Then there was this rather puzzling one in regard to the  enjoyable couple of months during which I kept everyone up to speed on the Tom Cruise Insanity Watch  As you can see, the email certainly isn’t hostile, just weird; weird like… well, Tom Cruise!

Dear Sirs,

If you were actually really look at what Tom Cruise had done and why he is exposing the criminality of drugging of children on Ritalin you might understand why he is gaining so much support in within intelligent media and the medical establishment.

If you think for one minute that Mr Cruise would have made a move such as that without first getting his facts straight then you have completely mis-observed his intelligence level and the intelligence of those helping him.

I suggest that you really take a look at the facts.

The survey found more people could name the three “American Idol” judges (my guess – Rerun, Slutty, and Nasty – am I right?)  than identify three First Amendment rights.

It also showed that people misidentified First Amendment rights. About one in five people thought the right to eat a pet was protected, and 38 percent said they believed the right against self-incrimination had something to do with manual masturbation, the survey found.

March 1 (Rabbits!)

And My Point Is…?


I never thought about God until I read the bible. He figures prominently in it, you see. From what I’ve read, God seems really sexually frustrated. Now I’ve never been sexually frustrated and I don’t think masturbation causes blindness. In fact, I don’t see blindness as a disability; after all, the world is so messy. And really, disability is nothing but ability proceeded by an incorrect pronunciation of ‘this.’ Ergo a friend is nothing but a fiend without an ‘R.’ …The problem with friends is they’re always pestering you with their personal problems. Personally, I find most people’s problems stem from a lack of good fashion sense. Which begs the question, can a well dressed man write a well made play?  Sure, that’s a cliché. But I never knew a cliché that didn’t hold water. And there’s a lot of water between me and Austria. Now I’ve never been to Austria but I’m sure it’s similar to Australia. Only smaller. If I ever do get to Austria, I’ll visit the churches. I’ve always wondered: if a church is a house of God why don’t they serve the guests cocktails? I don’t know.  Like I said, I never thought about God until I read the bible. He figures prominently in it, you see.   


February 28

Jesus Cop  (A Haiku) 

Jesus Christ comes back
As a cop with attitude
Speeds on the water

February 27

World’s Most Imaginative Boy

Precocious Frankie Murdoch

Can you imagine a world without crime? Can you imagine a cure for cancer? Can you imagine that your little sister has been stolen by Gypsies? Well 10-year old Frankie Murdoch can and much, much more. Young Frankie has just returned from Baden Baden, Germany where he was honored with "The Most Imaginative Little Boy" award for an unprecedented second consecutive year.

Talking to Frankie is, to say the least, a little daunting. "I imagined you'd be taller" quipped the precocious cap-clad dreamer from Orangeville. "I also thought you'd bring doughnuts".

Frankie claims that his gift of imagination first manifested itself at the tender age of six. "My parents were always forcing me to eat vegetables and I hated vegetables. At night I started to imagine that men in assorted vegetable costumes would come to my house and pistol whip my parents with carrots. Pretty silly stuff in retrospect, but that's how it all began".

Personal trainer Linus Froth describes Frankie as "a natural, a semi-precocious spoiled brat with good stamina, a dysfunctional family and an incredibly strong left hemisphere. Sure he's young but with a little work he'll be ready for the 2008 Olympics".

Whether or not the imagination marathon will become a demonstration competition in the next Olympics still remains unknown though Frankie, naturally, imagines it will be. "So count on it" he tells me.

Frankie says his technique is simple, involving conjuring up images of "stuff I know" and then juxtaposing it with "other stuff I know". When I put him on the spot to demonstrate he seems annoyed but agrees nonetheless. "Okay, take a dog right. Now take a bird and presto...a flying dog.". When I counter with  "Or a barking bird" Frankie rolls his eyes, says "don't be a knob" and scarfs a cookie.

Frankie's parents are reticent to discuss their son's unique gift, fearing that his imagination may end up getting the boy into trouble. His mother, Delores, elaborates: "He imagines world peace, responsible government" she rasps between shots of Jim Beam and heavy drags on an unfiltered cigarette. "Last night he told me that he imagined Rosie O’Donnell would be making a comeback. For God's sake, that kind of crazy dreaming is bound to set a boy up for heartache".

Frankie's father is concerned about the pressures of competition and the lengths to which these children will go to win. "I've never really tried to do anything and I'd like the same for my boy. I mean these children will do what ever it takes to get their brains pumped up; steady diets of fish or mind altering drugs...and nobody is testing them."

Frankie dismisses his parents concerns with a feisty, "I always imagined I was adopted" and then becomes intensely serious. He tells me that he has never been tempted by performance enhancing drugs and claims that imagination, if controlled, can be beneficial. "More people should try it, not necessarily at the competitive level but as a recreational tool. It's not something to be ashamed or scared of, honest."

So what's next for the young thinker? "Well I was contemplating moving on to pragmatism or optimism but I'm almost eleven now so I think cynicism is the next logical step". As I bid the lad farewell he tells me he imagines I will end this article with a profane thought. Sorry Frankie but it’s not going to happen, so fuck you.

This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for Avery Ant

The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com  (really!)

satanwave
banks suck
greasy pig studio 
the male ego
king hillbilly
salesman farmer daughter jokes
ziggy freud
it's funny until someone loses an eye
crazy ranting insect
jokes about muslim fundamentalists

Last Christmas is so 2005...


Only 297 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!

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