"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
June 5
Books... I’ll never understand why we stopped burning
them.
But if you really must participate in the dark art of
reading, here are my picks for this summer’s blockbusters.
Elmo Says Showbiz is A Bitch!
By Elmo
Forward by The Original Cookie Monster
This summer’s most anticipated read is the “tell
all” journal by the seemingly cute hermaphroditic Muppet. In it, Elmo writes
down who Elmo screwed and who Elmo screwed over in order to crawl his/her (?)
way to the top of the Muppet food chain.
Here are but a few of the many tasty morsels:
May 14/02: Elmo has another hangover! Elmo is also getting
sick and tired of listening to Kermit. But Elmo has a plan. Elmo will spread a
rumor to his Republican buddies at the White House that as a frog, Kermit is
more allegiant to France than the USA. Elmo believes this will hurt Kermit’s
career. Elmo really likes hurting people...
July 29/02: Elmo needs to run his lines for a new skit about
the alphabet. Elmo likes running lines (snort snort). Elmo uses a 100-dollar
bill to make Elmo feel like a big shot.
Oct 06/03: Elmo did the nasty with Ms. Piggy last night.
Elmo promised the lard ass porker a part in his new movie. Elmo is such
a liar. Elmo makes Elmo laugh. Ha, ha, ha...
Feb 13/04: Elmo will no longer take notes from the shit head
suits at PBS. Elmo thinks they wouldn’t know funny if it walked up to them,
slit their throats open and took a dump in the open wound. Hmm, this gives
Elmo a funny idea. Elmo calls his mobster friend Joey “The Slice” Vigianni.
March 09/05: Elmo is not going to Betty Ford! Elmo does not
have a problem!! Elmo is pissed off!!! Elmo hates them all. Elmo thinks,
“fuck them and their interventions.” Elmo sees bats; they are all over
Elmo’s arms. Elmo needs a drink...
How to Cook Up Cats!
A Collection Of Classic Cat-Based Recipes
Whether you’re a victim of the floundering economy or
just a 19th Century Asian, these cheap, simple, and tasty recipes are
guaranteed to delight and dazzle guests. From preparing them for a small
dinner party to just barbecuing one in a stinking alley, cats are always the
“Purrfect” Food.
A sample of one of the book’s hundreds of feline based
meals:
Sautéed Cat with Cat Tail Skewer A La Provencale
1 Cat (preferably not rabid)
2 Onions
1 tbs Capers
3 tsp olive oil
1 tsp muscatel
1 Wooden Stick
Get cat. Using wooden stick, smack repeatedly over the head.
Remove tail, cover in oil and freeze. Beat cat and other ingredients in a
bowl. Cook for 2 ½ hours over open garbage can flame or until meat is tender.
Sprinkle with capers and reinsert frozen tail up cat’s ass. Eat it like it
was a giant, furry, shish kabob. Serve with a good red Bordeaux or homemade
grain alcohol.
Peter The Possibly Gay Rabbit Travels Across America
By P.B. Smith
Illustrated by Kenny Tomlinson
Peter is a friendly, courteous,
popular, responsible and polite Rabbit who travels across America to meet new
people and make new friends. Peter hopes to teach the kids (and maybe even the
adults!) the values of respect. However, Peter is possibly gay. And in lots of
parts of America this is a real stumbling block for him.
These gritty kids stories don’t pull any punches.
Watch as Peter is run out of Iowa, shot at (twice!) in Kentucky, and savagely
beaten and left for dead in Oregon.
What I Did During The Hockey Strike (Season 1)
By Wayne Gretzky
He wrote a 100-page book. Sure 89 of those pages have
nothing but pictures on them, but technically it’s still a book.
Mr. Gretzky, a great hockey player and even better
shill, fills us in on what he’s done since he’s been out of the spotlight.
Upcoming stuff includes the Wayne Gretzky Tandoori Sauce, the Wayne Gretzky
Car Battery, and a haircut. Mr. Gretzky also waxes eloquent on the current
state of politics and other important social issues.
Wayne Gretzky on Terrorism: “I don’t think it’s good
for hockey.”
Wayne Gretzky on Affordable Housing: “I think it’s good
for hockey.”
Wayne Gretzky on Teenage Leprosy: “I think it’s bad for
the game.”
Wayne Gretzky on Quantum Physics: “It’s good for the
game... I think.”
American Child Obesity – The Upside By Dr. Ralph
Controversial Family Physician, Dr. Ralph argues that
while the disturbing rise of childhood obesity greatly increases the risk of
childhood diseases such as high blood pressure, diabetes, early hardening of
arteries, soaring cholesterol levels, sleep apnea, stomach and pancreas
disease, liver and gall bladder disease, increased cardiovascular risk
factors, early arthritis and many more, one should also factor in an important
consideration: Fat is funny.
“We’ve got no end of future John Candy’s, John
Belushi’s, Chris Farley’s and Roseanne’s – who stopped being funny
once she got thin,” says Dr. Ralph, “instead of focusing on the negative,
let’s look at the positive. These potbellied tubbos are hilarious. And I
believe laughter is the best medicine. That’s why I prescribe it to all of
my patients.”
Big Dick Cheney: I Wear The Pants
By Big Dick Cheney
A candid and rather profane autobiography in which Mr.
Cheney admits to nothing and hints at little more. Mr. Cheney does however
write tenderly of his love for his family.
Excerpt: My porn scribbler of a wife, I think her name is
Myra, (*It’s Lynne – editor.) is something of an author.
Did you know she wrote a book about lesbians having sex – with each other!!!
And how’s this for weird? Together my wife, I think her name’s Betsy (*It’s
Lynne! – editor.) and I spawned a gay daughter... Either that or a
heterosexual son with a vagina... Although I'm pretty sure it's a gay
daughter. Her name’s Edgar, I believe.” (*Sigh...It’s Mary –
editor.)
Little Known Literary Genres
By Xerxes Gorey
Self proclaimed “Cunning Linguist” Xerxes
Gorey presents a thorough (long) and in-depth (boring) examination of some of
history’s little known Literary Genres. Fascinating categories include:
- The Hedunnit – Failed mystery spinoff in which the
murderer is identified by page 7. Most “famous” example; James
Claymore’s “Frank Killed Them All & He Acted Alone.”
- Sartire – Written by obscure group of wacky
existentialists who preferred making fun of Sartre as opposed to worrying
about the principles of social and political struggle. Sample of
“Classic Sartiric Humor.” Q: How many
existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A:
One day you shall die.
- Séance Fiction – Scary tales of pyschics gone bad.
Book that defines this genre is Madame Misha’s “The Tall Dark Stranger
From Uranus.”
Murderous Doilies
By D.P. Jams
Ms. Jam’s famous detective,
Inspector Frump, is back from the dead – again. Oh, and, there’s murder in
the air. Has already sold hundreds of thousands of copies now that little old
ladies know how to preorder this shit on Amazon.
A New Collection of Short Stories
By An Important Author
This new collection of short stories is a definite must
read for the summer. But let’s be honest, no one’s actually gonna read
it... Written by an Important Author that you (and the rest of us) think might
be Canadian (or is it Nicaraguan?), this riveting set of astounding stories is
a triumph! A triumph that no one will remember from this line forward
starting...Now!
Buy this book and put it on your bookshelf... Don’t worry,
no one expects you to read it.
A New York Times Book Critic
The greatest collection of short stories that
I’ve ever skimmed over. A classic. Destined to be read by no one.
A High School Book Report
About The Important Author: The Important Author was born in Canada
(or is it Nicaragua?) and has been the recipient of many distinguished awards
and prizes, none of which you’ve likely heard. The Important Author’s work
has been translated into 134 languages and has sold about 10,000 copies –
9,500 of which have gone unread, trapped in an unending cycle of re-gifting.
The Lurid Truth About Kitty Kelley! By Kitty Kelley
Kitty Kelley on... Kitty Kelley.
In her most explosive biography yet, the internationally acclaimed hack turns
the tables on herself and exposes the “truth” about Kitty Kelley. Did you
know she’s an illiterate black man? And a drug abusing Republican from
Afghanistan. And a total slut!
Is this scathing portrait of herself more shoddy
journalism or merely self-loathing? Word is that Ms. Kelley has already issued
a statement claiming her book is a “disgusting fabrication and poorly
researched mishmash of slander, lies, and half truths.”
Here are a few salacious
excerpts...
- Dubya yanked down his pants and danced about with an
erection the size of a toothpick. Swigging back some bourbon and lighting
a joint, George then picked up the lampshade and placed it on his head.
“Hey Kitty,” he slurred, “you up for some Christian nasty?” “You
know I am, George honey,” I laughed.
- Sinatra yanked down his drawers and smiled impishly.
Swigging back some whiskey and lighting a cigarette, Ol’ Blue Eyes came
toward me. “Start spreading the news, baby,” he said... “I always
do!” I giggled.
- President Reagan yanked down his britches and bumped into
a wall. Swigging back some brandy and lighting his corncob pipe, Ronnie
rubbed his head in pain as he hobbled to the bed. “Say Kelley, can I ask
you to call me a Filthy Communist Menace while we do it?” he inquired.
“Da,” I snickered.
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