Avery, on The Meaning of Life:

"Remember kids, it’s only funny until someone loses an ideology."

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The 12 Strange Faces of Jesus

”One thing I’ll say for him, Jesus is cool”

                                Caiaphas, Jesus Christ Superstar  

Jesus, he’s a popular guy.  Well, not so much during his life.  Let’s face it, popular people get nailed – but never to a cross…  Anyway, my point is that a lot of people like to draw Jesus:  From the great artists of the Renaissance to artless schleps with more faith than talent.  But one thing is for certain, everyone out there has their own unique depiction of the man… And yes, he was a man!

The Well Hung Jesus

When I say “well hung” I’m not referring to how well he’s fastened from above with no support from below and the overall position of his crucifixion. Nope, I’m talking about his package. And our friend here is, er, packing one…  This begs the theory that Jesus was 86’d not because of his religious preaching but because Roman men don’t like a guy with a big penis.  Hey, we’re learning stuff here!  

Jesus With Superpowers

With his ethereal glowing head, his right hand getting ready to give us the “AOK” sign and his left quite firmly attached to his nipple and feeling himself up; what really strikes me about this particular Jesus is the Superpower quality that’s going on here.  Obviously this dude can shoot some kind of freaky, two-sided, red and white power ray from his divine nipples.  What it’s good for is anyone’s guess. One thing’s for certain, it can’t fight off a hammer and nails.

As for the milk maid with the halo who looks likes like a mountain ready to be climbed… Well, at first I thought it was his woman, Mary, but she was such a slut – sorry, whore, that there’s no way that she deserves the big multi-starred halo over her head. So now I’m convinced it must be the son of God’s mom. Which makes God a woman: And a rather doable one at that!  You heard it here first.   

Bloody Jesus

”I don’t care if it rains or freezes/ As long as I got my Bloody Jesus.”

Jesus as a Plotting and Nagging Noble Man

This Jesus looks like he wears a codpiece and says things like “Prithee, mine rapturous eyes are agog.”   (Or some stupid crap like that.) That little jar just below his cross is, no doubt, loaded with Deadly Nightshade and he likely has plans to murder the king (God) and bed his virgin daughter (Betsy). Yes, he’s always plotting, plotting, plotting – and all the while with the finger – nagging, nagging, nagging…  Not to imply that religion is a self serving, conniver that only looks out for itself.  That’s a given.  

Jesus The Goat, um, er, “Herder”

"Insert" temptation joke here.

The Gay and Mincing Jesus

I’m not sure if this is supposed to depict Jesus on the cross or just enjoying a pleasant nap. I hope it’s not the cross, because he looks like he’s really content and happy. Like he’s loving it!  Hmmm, was Jesus an S&M fan?  Was he crying out, “Oh, you bad boys! Whip me, beat me, nail me some more and stick that Sword of Destiny in!”  One thing none of us can dispute:  This Jesus looks soooo gay!  Now I may not know a lot about history but I’m pretty sure they didn’t have homosexuals back then. 

The Dancing Jesus

Judging by his moves, I suspect this spaced out Jesus was wasted and dancing to some rocking lyres and dulcimers.  That pelvis thrust and arms thrown back thing he’s doing is a move he’d bust again later – for the long haul on the cross.  Originally known as, “Doing the Froog!” this Jesus dance craze would eventually be called “The Crucifixion.” (Known as “The Crucifiction” among nonbelievers.)    

Jesus That Makes Us Say, “What the Hell?”

I don’t trust this Jesus and I certainly wouldn’t leave my kids with him. This Jesus must die!  He reminds me of the guy you went to high school with and see years later and think, “Christ, what the hell happened to him?”  And then, “Thank God, it wasn’t me.”  Which I suppose makes this very effective and thought provoking art.  I just wish all those children positioned around his groin weren’t so happy about it.  Still, great art is meant to challenge, yes?

The Court Room Jesus

The Court Room Jesus (right) with his lawyer (left).  Like all good terrorizing religious figures, he knows that sometimes getting into heaven means acquiring the best legal team money can provide.   

The Annoying Jesus

Don’t you just hate this Jesus?  Don't you just want to smack him?  And do it with that cross he’s holding!  This is actually an incredible piece of art, in that it instills such intense feelings of annoyance.  From the soft, “make out” lighting, to those girly hands, to the way he makes holding the cross seem so uneventful, to the pink robe, (pink!) to those dead, puppy dog eyes; this Father, Son and Holy Ghost is the boy bands of Christian prophets.  The only thing that makes this Christ barely tolerable is knowing what’s about to happen to him.   

The Jesus Gangsta

This Prison Jesus doesn’t have the tattoos but holy shit is he bad!  The background artwork that looks like it belongs on a cell wall is a divine touch.  Truly inspired.  Pray to him, motherfucker, or he’ll stigmata your sorry ass.  

The You Are Jesus (aka: The Jesus Complex) 

Because we all feel persecuted once in a while.   

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