"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
Faces of Jesus
”One thing I’ll say for him, Jesus is cool”
he’s a popular guy. Well, not so
much during his life. Let’s face
it, popular people get nailed – but never to a cross… Anyway,
my point is that a lot of people like to draw Jesus:
From the great artists of the Renaissance to artless schleps with more
faith than talent. But one thing
is for certain, everyone out there has their own unique depiction of the
man… And yes, he was a man!
Well Hung Jesus
When I say “well hung” I’m not referring to how well he’s fastened
from above with no support from below and the overall position of his
crucifixion. Nope, I’m talking about his package. And our friend here is,
er, packing one… This begs the
theory that Jesus was 86’d not because of his religious preaching but
because Roman men don’t like a guy with a big penis.
Hey, we’re learning stuff here!
With his ethereal glowing head, his right hand getting ready to give us the
“AOK” sign and his left quite firmly attached to his nipple and feeling
himself up; what really strikes me about this particular Jesus is the
Superpower quality that’s going on here.
Obviously this dude can shoot some kind of freaky, two-sided, red and
white power ray from his divine nipples. What
it’s good for is anyone’s guess. One thing’s for certain, it can’t
fight off a hammer and nails.
As for the milk maid with the halo who looks likes like a mountain ready to be
climbed… Well, at first I thought it was his woman, Mary, but she was such a
slut – sorry, whore, that there’s no way that she deserves the big
multi-starred halo over her head. So now I’m convinced it must be the son of
God’s mom. Which makes God a woman: And a rather doable one at that!
You heard it here first.
don’t care if it rains or freezes/
As long as I got my Bloody Jesus.”
as a Plotting and Nagging Noble Man
This Jesus looks
like he wears a codpiece and says things like “Prithee, mine rapturous eyes
are agog.” (Or some stupid
crap like that.) That little jar just below his cross is, no doubt, loaded
with Deadly Nightshade and he likely has plans to murder the king (God) and
bed his virgin daughter (Betsy). Yes, he’s always plotting, plotting,
plotting – and all the while with the finger – nagging, nagging,
nagging… Not to imply that
religion is a self serving, conniver that only looks out for itself.
That’s a given.
The Goat, um, er, “Herder”
temptation joke here.
Gay and Mincing Jesus
I’m not sure
if this is supposed to depict Jesus on the cross or just enjoying a pleasant
nap. I hope it’s not the cross, because he looks like he’s really content
and happy. Like he’s loving it! Hmmm,
was Jesus an S&M fan? Was he
crying out, “Oh, you bad boys! Whip me, beat me, nail me some more and stick
that Sword of Destiny in!” One
thing none of us can dispute: This Jesus looks soooo gay! Now
I may not know a lot about history but I’m pretty sure they didn’t have
homosexuals back then.
Judging by his
moves, I suspect this spaced out Jesus was wasted and dancing to some rocking
lyres and dulcimers. That pelvis
thrust and arms thrown back thing he’s doing is a move he’d bust again
later – for the long haul on the cross.
Originally known as, “Doing the Froog!” this Jesus dance craze
would eventually be called “The Crucifixion.” (Known as “The
Crucifiction” among nonbelievers.)
That Makes Us Say, “What the Hell?”
I don’t trust
this Jesus and I certainly wouldn’t leave my kids with him. This Jesus must
die! He reminds me of the guy you
went to high school with and see years later and think, “Christ, what the hell
happened to him?” And then,
“Thank God, it wasn’t me.” Which
I suppose makes this very effective and thought provoking art.
I just wish all those children positioned around his groin weren’t so
happy about it. Still, great art
is meant to challenge, yes?
The Court Room Jesus (right) with his lawyer (left). Like all good terrorizing religious figures, he knows that sometimes
getting into heaven means acquiring the best legal team money can provide.
Don’t you just hate this Jesus?
Don't you just want to smack him? And
do it with that cross he’s holding! This
is actually an incredible piece of art, in that it instills such intense
feelings of annoyance. From the
soft, “make out” lighting, to those girly hands, to the way he makes
holding the cross seem so uneventful, to the pink robe, (pink!) to those dead,
puppy dog eyes; this Father, Son and Holy Ghost is the boy bands of Christian
prophets. The only thing that
makes this Christ barely tolerable is knowing what’s about to happen to him.
Jesus doesn’t have the tattoos but holy shit is he bad!
The background artwork that looks like it belongs on a cell wall is a
divine touch. Truly inspired.
Pray to him, motherfucker, or he’ll stigmata your sorry ass.
You Are Jesus
(aka: The Jesus Complex)
Because we all feel persecuted once in a while.
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