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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
June 3
And so begin my delightful ramblings. As no one is reading, I’m not gonna sweat it and instead I shall let the games begin with a brief comedy sketch from way back when...
GREEN PEACE
INT. HOUSE –- DAY
JERRY is yelling into his telephone.
Jerry: I dare you to say that again... You bastard! I dare you to say that once more – in Arabic! Yeah, ha, ha, ha. Not so tough now, are you, Mr. Unilingual pantywaist...
There is a knock at the door.
Jerry: Hang on... WHAT?
Enter NICK. A Green Peace representative.
Nick: Thank-you. I’m canvassing for Green Peace. I’m sure you’re familiar with our work. These are pictures of slaughtered seals.
Jerry: (Looks them over) Cool. How much?
Nick: Pardon me?
Jerry: Do they come in wallet size?
Nick: No.
Jerry: Shame.
Nick: As I was saying...
Jerry: Hold that thought. I’m on the blower.
Nick: Certainly. I’ll get you some literature on whale fat. I believe I also have a pamphlet on the top 10 misconceptions regarding vivisection.
Jerry: Yeah, you do that. (into phone) I’m back Bernardi. Oh yeah? Well screw you and that ten-pound sack of whale fat that you call a head. (to Nick) Ha! That pissed him off. (into phone) What? No one calls me that and gets away with it. Come over here and say that Bernardi. Oh yeah, I’m scared, real scared... (to Nick) Hey, tree hugger. What did you say your name was?
Nick: Nick.
Jerry: (into phone) Come over here and my buddy Nick will beat the crap out of you... That’s right, my buddy, Nick. He’s here right now and he’s plenty PO’d!
Jerry grabs a pamphlet from Nick.
Jerry: He’s an animal Bernardi. You should see what he did to some kittens. It would turn your stomach.
Nick: Actually, that’s a laboratory in Paraguay.
Jerry: Nick, tell Bernardi that you’re really here.
Nick: I’d rather not. I just came for a donation and to discuss the plight of the hairy nosed wombat.
Jerry: Yeah, call him that... (into phone) He says you’re a fairy assed wombat, Bernardi. He’s calling you a fruit.
Nick: No, I’m not!
Jerry: (hands Nick the phone) Tell him Nick, don’t worry. He’s full of hot air, go on...
Nick reluctantly takes the phone.
Nick: Um, hello? Yes, yes, yes, I understand. (to Jerry) He says he’s going to kill me.
Jerry: He’s full of it. He won’t kill you. He’s still on parole.
Nick: (puts his ear to phone) He seems quite emphatic... He definitely wants to kill me.
Jerry: Jesus Christ, he must be serious! What did you say to him?
Nick: I didn’t say anything.
Jerry: What are you nuts? That’s the worst thing you could have said.
Nick: He says he’s on his way over. (he hands phone to Jerry) I should leave now.
Jerry: Relax, he won’t be here for a minute or two.
Nick: Minute or two?
Jerry: He lives across the street. Look at that dump. Is that crap-shack an eyesore, or what?
Nick: (into phone) I’m sorry! It’s a mistake!
Jerry: (scratches himself and looks bored) You better leave now, I wanna take a shower.
Nick: You can’t send me out there. That man sounds dangerous.
Jerry: Hey, Nick, I don’t like you bad mouthing my friends. You better take a hike before I smack you one myself.
Nick: I’m just a non-violent canvasser.
Jerry: And what? That makes you better than me? Jesus, what a mouth. No wonder Bernardi wants to kill you. I shouldn’t help you, but, give me the phone...
Nick hands it to him.
Jerry: Gino, it’s Jerry. Look, there’s been some sort of... What? I don’t know. He just barged in here and started shooting his mouth off about what a hairy nosed eye sore your wife was and grabbed the phone. No way bud, if you want the crap kicked out him, you do it yourself... Pretty small... You can take him... No, you don’t need to bring your sons. Okay, I’ll keep him here. Sure, we can watch the game afterward.
Nick: Mr. Bernardi! Mr. Bernardi!
Jerry: Yeah, he’s hopping mad. Fine, but do it outside, I just vacuumed. Okay, and bring a six-pack.
Jerry hangs up and points out his window.
Jerry: Look, he’s bringing a baseball bat. What a wimp. Well, goodbye and good luck.
Nick: Please, you can’t do this to me, I work for Green Peace.
Jerry: That explains a lot. Jesus you people are pushy.
Jerry shoves him out the front door.
Jerry: Now scram... Hey, Bernardi, keep it off my front lawn. Come on, Nick, throw a punch. Oh that’s right Bernardi, kick him in the groin while he’s down. You’re pathetic, Bernardi! What? I dare you to say that again – in Spanish! Yeah, not so tough now, are you, Mr. Unilingual pantywaist...
Jerry’s cell phone rings.
Jerry: (into phone) WHAT? You’re calling for Green Peace? Hmm, oh sure, I’m interested... Oh yeah, I’m very familiar with your work.
Link Of The Week: Doug’s Dynamic Drivel
I just can’t say enough good things about Doug Alder’s Blog. His insights are bang on, incredibly perceptive, thoughtful, and, he’s Canadian. I visit this site every day – check it out. You’ll be glad you did.
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