Avery, on The Meaning of Life:

"Remember kids, it’s only funny until someone loses an ideology."

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Toys In The Attic  (Twisted Toys!)

Hey kids – and I call you kids because today’s journal is all about toys… Freaky toys, strange toys, lead-filled toys, toys you shouldn’t put in your mouth and other really, really, messed up toys…  These fun little objects of amusement for kids to play with probably screwed up many a shaky little tot… At the very least they say oodles about the demented parents who bought them. Nothing says “I love you and therefore I must traumatize you!” like these disturbing trinkets of mom and dad’s affection…

The Strangler



This little wizard did everything mom and dad wanted to do you but couldn’t because of certain unfair laws.  Hey, you were strangling them with your presence – they just wanted to do to you physically what you were doing to them metaphorically.   

The Monkey That Crapped



This loveable monkey promised “Push Dice Cup Back And I Shoot Crap.”  Just like mom and dad did!  (Note:  The monkey’s crap shooting abilities never worked. Which is no surprise as monkeys aren’t much known for delivering on their promises...  I’ve yet to see a million of them on typewriters write the complete works of Shakespeare – and I’m starting to suspect that I never will. )


Toy Dean Martin

Sure it didn’t look like him, or dress like him, or sing like him, or sing, or anything at all like him… And yeah, you had asked for the Sinatra mobster/wife beater doll, but hey, it was a gift, and it could have been worse – you could have gotten the one eyed Sammy doll.  Anyway, mom and dad’s point was this:  “Shut your mouth and quit complaining ya little bastard!”

Toy Saddam


Because all the Toy Saddam Lawyers were dead.

Toy Sick Dog


You cried when you were given this and mom and dad were quick to remind you that a sickly, disgusting, rabid looking toy dog was better than a sickly, disgusting, rabid looking real dog.

The Oscar Meyer Toy Car


Dad promised you a car for your 16th birthday and gave you this. It’s really more of a comment about his lack of sense of humour than his penis size. (Yeah right.)

The Drunken Toy Bear


This one was usually from a mom and dad who were liquored up souses and knew that the genetic “boozehound chromosome” was roaming around in you somewhere just waiting to put on its little party hat and start binging.  So, gosh bless ‘em, they bought you a drinking pal! Yup, no matter how ripped and inebriated you’d get in the future little “Alchie Bear” would always be there to make sure you didn’t drink alone; that no matter how bad things got, at least one stuffed and innate object in this world would stick by you – unless of course you sold him for booze. Which is a real possibility.

Satan Cow

The parents whose souls had long ago been destroyed by life could always be counted on to get you The Satan Cow…  You could sell him your soul and he’d give you milk!  That meant that today you'd have food in your belly.

Naked Toy Soldiers


From the Clinton administration’s “Don’t ask, don’t tell” era.


This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for Avery Ant

The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com   (really!)

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avery divine movies

Last Christmas is so 2005...


Only 179 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!

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