"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
Toys
In The Attic
(Twisted Toys!)
Hey kids – and
I call you kids because today’s journal is all about toys… Freaky toys,
strange toys, lead-filled toys, toys you shouldn’t put in your mouth and
other really, really, messed up toys… These
fun little objects of amusement for kids to play with probably screwed up many
a shaky little tot… At the very least they say oodles about the demented
parents who bought them. Nothing
says “I love you and therefore I must traumatize you!” like these
disturbing trinkets of mom and dad’s affection…
The Strangler
This little wizard did
everything mom and dad wanted to do you but couldn’t because of certain
unfair laws. Hey, you were
strangling them with your presence – they just wanted to do to you
physically what you were doing to them metaphorically.
The
Monkey That Crapped
This loveable monkey promised “Push Dice Cup Back And I Shoot
Crap.” Just like mom and dad did!
(Note: The monkey’s crap
shooting abilities never worked. Which is no surprise as monkeys aren’t much
known for delivering on their promises...
I’ve yet to see a million of them on typewriters write the complete
works of Shakespeare – and I’m starting to suspect that I never will. )
Toy
Dean Martin
Sure
it didn’t look like him, or dress like him, or sing like him, or sing, or
anything at all like him… And yeah, you had asked for the Sinatra
mobster/wife beater doll, but hey, it was a gift, and it could have been worse
– you could have gotten the one eyed Sammy doll.
Anyway, mom and dad’s point was this:
“Shut your mouth and quit complaining ya little bastard!”
Toy
Saddam
Because all the Toy Saddam
Lawyers were dead.
Toy
Sick Dog
You cried when you were
given this and mom and dad were quick to remind you that a sickly, disgusting,
rabid looking toy dog was better than a sickly, disgusting, rabid looking real
dog.
The Oscar Meyer Toy Car
Dad promised you a car for
your 16th birthday and gave you this. It’s really more of a
comment about his lack of sense of humour than his penis size. (Yeah right.)
The Drunken Toy Bear
This one was usually from a mom and dad who were liquored up souses and knew
that the genetic “boozehound chromosome” was roaming around in you
somewhere just waiting to put on its little party hat and start binging.
So, gosh bless ‘em, they bought you a drinking pal! Yup, no matter
how ripped and inebriated you’d get in the future little “Alchie Bear”
would always be there to make sure you didn’t drink alone; that no matter
how bad things got, at least one stuffed and innate object in this world would
stick by you – unless of course you sold him for booze. Which is a real
possibility.
Satan
Cow
The
parents whose souls had long ago been destroyed by life could always be
counted on to get you The Satan Cow… You
could sell him your soul and he’d give you milk!
That meant that today you'd have food in your belly.
Naked Toy Soldiers
From the
Clinton
administration’s “Don’t ask, don’t tell” era.
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
rod weatherbie gadzooks
horny Frankenstein
unicorns humping
funny ass daffy duck shit
wal-mart rants
steven harper toupee
savory porn
a picture of elmo having sex with cookie monster
did the rhedosaurus kill an elephant
avery
divine movies
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 179 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to
the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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