"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
June 28
Mad
Cows To Americans:
“We’re Rad, Bad, Mad and
Living in the USA!”
Another case of Mad Cow disease has been
discovered in America and the United States Government also confirmed that
more sightings of mad cows are being reported.
"I’m pretty sure, I saw some hanging
outside my house last night smoking and looking like they were up to no
good,” John Clifford, the department's chief veterinarian, said in an
interview with The Associated Press. "Someone threw a rock through my
window last night and it doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to figure out who it
was. If it walks like a mad cow and vandalizes like a mad cow, then it’s
probably a mad cow.”
The cows later issued a release claiming
responsibility for the attack and stating they would not stop until every
American got on the “Chicken and Fish“ diet.
The cows also once again admitted to being
more "pissed off" than mad. “We’re tired of getting screwed
over,” said one cow in a Fox TV interview before visiting a china shop,
“now get out of my way. I said, Mooooove.”
The emergence of these native-born cases
could cast a shadow over the nation's 96 million cattle, and Canadian Mad Cows
are more than a little pleased. “First off, while I think Bush is an
asshole, I always approved of the meat ban,” commented a Canuck bovine.
The only previous U.S. case, confirmed in
December 2003, was in a dairy cow and suspected terrorist that slipped through
the Canadian border.
Related Article: Mad
Cows: More Pissed Off Than Mad
Your
Horoscope:
Aries:
There are two sides to every coin. Opposites always come together. Two hearts
beat as one. Yes, it’s “couples cliché day” for you.
Taurus: Everything may not be going according to your plan and the reason
is because your plan to “sit and around and eventually become famous”
is a fucking stupid plan!
Gemini: A cheese doodle and a
rabid goat bring you grief.
Cancer: Make the most of today’s Mercury-Venus union in your
sign. Might we suggest adding some vodka to your morning OJ?
Leo: A Presbyterian really gets up your nose.
Virgo: When things are really going your way you just can’t help
yourself from rubbing it in everyone’s face, can you? Luckily for the rest
of us, this only happens once a year.
Libra: If you are worried about your future it’s because you should be.
Scorpio: You once learned a valuable lesson the hard way. So don’t make
me come over there, beat you with a cricket bat, wrap you in a burlap sack and
dump you in the river again.
Sagittarius: Keep what you know to yourself. It shouldn’t be difficult
considering you know absolutely nothing.
Capricorn: It is perfectly acceptable for you step out of the rat race –
why not enjoy a few days going through garbage cans, you disgusting rodent.
Aquarius: If you have not got certain tasks completed by now it looks like
you once again got out of it. Way to go!
Pisces: Do you follow your heart or your rational mind? Tell you what, rip
both of them out of your body and race them. Go with whichever one wins!
This Week's Featured
Album:
Christian Crusaders with Al Davis
Liner Notes.
Side One:
1.
I’m Not Fat, I’m Full Of Christian Love
2.
Die Sinners Die!
3.
Lie Back & Think of God (I Know I Will)
4.
See You At Church – Or Else
5.
Pregnant Teenagers Burning in Hell (Acoustic Version)
Side Two:
1.
Jesus Saw The Filthy Beggar And He Kept On Walking
2.
Pity The Jews
3.
Powder Blue Pants, Black Shoes, Red Shirt (Ska Version)
4.
Teach Your Children Shame
5.
Do The Hairshirt
When Colombia Records approached me to
record this album, I thought, “These godless heathen record industry types
sicken me to my very core." Then I figured it had to be a sign from God,
because, well, I think everything that happens to me is a sign from God. Our
approach to making this album was novel: We’d write some songs and record
them. And with the money we made we’d buy stuff, like clothes and food. This
was pretty revolutionary thinking back then. A lot of people don’t know this
but “Christian Crusaders” was recorded in about 2 hours. Our producer, I
think his name was Marty, spent the entire session in another room having what
sounded like carnal relations with someone (probably a man). He told us the
record wouldn’t sell. He said we didn’t have a sound anyone would buy. He
insisted we’d be forgotten in no time and that no kid in his right mind
would ever dance to a song called “Do The Hairshirt.” Boy, was he right.
The only satisfaction I can take from this is that I heard he died in a fire a
few years later.
Al Davis (revised liner notes 1984)
Cover photo: Al’s mom. ©
1972 Columbia Records
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