"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
June 25
Big
Bird’s Nest Safe – For Now
Big Bird and
National Public Radio won a reprieve Thursday as the U.S. House of
Representative restored $100-million proposed budget cuts.
“Thank fucking God. I’m not
homeless,” said a clearly relieved, disheveled, hungover, and unshaven Big
Bird. “There’s no way I’d survive on the Mean Streets. They’d trade my
ass like so much currency.”
A stuffed suit from the
Republican-controlled House Appropriations Committee admitted afterward,
”Big Bird is safe – for now. Bwe ha ha ha ha! But, changes are going to be
made. First off, he’s going to have to wash my car and perform at my kids
birthday parties. I may also require him to perform other ‘services’ as
well. If you know what I mean...”
Big Bird was philosophical about this, “Well,
those Republican have clean sheets. And it’s better than being propped over
a garbage can. Let me tell you, the view from there ain’t pretty.”
Rove’s Letter of Resignation
You heard it here first:
Karl Rove, distraught by public pressure, did actually pen an apology and even
went as far as to offer his resignation. But President Bush refused to accept
it, calling Rove “My Favorite Fat Little Imp.” Rove’s secretary, who,
like most of us, can’t stand the man, faxed a copy of the letter
to me. Enjoy!
The
White House
Washington
From
The Diabolical Brain of Karl Rove
Dear Mr. President Georgie:
Wow. That didn’t go over
very well, did it? Now I know
what it’s like to be laughed at and mocked openly. It really hurts. How on
earth do you manage?
I want to thank you and the order of brothers for standing by me on
this. I know that you’ve personally taken a lot of flak from those Democrat
heathens and I thank God that our plan to have them all eliminated will soon
be under way. J But until then,
you can always ward off their taunts by sprinkling crushed deadly nightshade
on your genitalia. I also have an effective incantation I can share with you,
and if all else fails, I’ve got pretty much a limitless supply of
sacrificial virgins – so you should be covered here.
Anyway, while I’d love to talk shop, the fact is that I’m writing
you this missive because I fear my evil powers may be waning and if this is
the case, as per our agreement, I shall transform myself back into a bat and
return to the 16th century from whence I came.
If I can’t take a few minor shots at yellow-bellied Democrat chickens
(speaking of which, don’t forget to drink the blood of the ones I sent you)
without feeling the wrath of the liberal media and public opinion then clearly
I am no longer as invincible as I once was.
I have to admit, I saw it coming. Recently the sun had been burning
holes in my skin, and to be honest, it’s hard to avoid a religious cross
when you’re a Republican: And they were really starting to make me go
vampire. Ha, ha, ha…
So here it is, my formal resignation. I will also issue an apology to
the American public. In it I will refrain from using such phrases as, “You
people shall feel my wrath and will rue this day” as well as “As far as
I’m concerned you can all go fuck yourselves.”
Cool?
Finally, let me take this one last opportunity to kiss your horns and
swear my dedication to you. Tonight, when I am naked and alone I will step
into my pentagram and say a prayer for you.
Thanks,
Karl “Satan Spawn” Rove
Karl Rove
The Dishonorable Deputy White House Chief
Senior White House Advisor and Satan’s Drinking Buddy
Washington, D.C.
Your Horoscope:
Aries: Some things are supposed to be easy and some things are supposed to
be difficult – How’s that for a half-assed horoscope?
Taurus: Your goldfish is your intellectual equal. But now it’s dead.
Perhaps it’s time to smarten up and consider the intelligent hamster.
Gemini: Do something different today. Might we suggest taping your mouth
shut?
Cancer: An old flame sets your car on fire (yes, we predicted this before,
but this time it’s really going to happen).
Leo: In
the clown hierarchy you are a street mime.
Virgo: See above.
Libra: Try not to let what is no more than a minor difference come between
you and that oncoming pick-up truck. This is one battle you can’t win.
Scorpio: Little things will go wrong. Life moves in circles. There is wisdom
in scotch tape... Ponder this horseshit for the rest of the day.
Sagittarius: It’s good to be open but you should still do up your fly.
Capricorn: A hot oil gun and an experiment on a lab monkey prove to be a
deadly combination.
Aquarius: You want to be firm but you’ve run out of Viagra.
Pisces: Be wary of people who arrive bearing gifts or of people baring
their teeth, or of people bearing gifts of bears.
Link Of The Week:
onegoodmove
One Good Move is one great site. You can always
count on Norm Jenson to provide sharp, edgy, and bang-on insights with his
patented and well-delivered shots of wisdom and humour. This is sanity that
hits you where you live. I swing by everyday. You should too. You’ll be a
happier and wiser person for it. And to top it off, he even came up with our
company’s logo: “Babble On Communications – Providing Cultural Artifacts
to the Library of Congress since 2005.”
Thanks Norm.
This Week’s 10
Words-Or-Less Celebrity Summations:
Jaleel
White (aka: Steve Urkel): Still universally
despised
Bat
Boy: Mortally wounded by music critics and
now dead of rabies
Donny Rumsfeld: Completely out and hideous to the eye
(to the top)
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