"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
June 23
Beat The Clock
You Stoner
INT. HOUSE. NIGHT.
A house party. DANNY and JAMES, both stoned
out of their teenage minds, mumble away to each other.
Danny: This party rules. Man, I am so
wasted.
James: Yeah. Hey, look at my watch. It’s
like ten to twelve, man. Oh man, look at the hands, they look like a stick
man.
Danny: Cool. I never thought about that
before. Yeah, a ten to twelve stick man... Holy shit!
James: What is it, dude?
Danny: My curfew!
Rossini’s “William Tell Overture”
comes up and Sports Announcers CHET and ANN call the action.
Chet: Well it’s ten to twelve and Danny
Wilson has ten minutes to make it home and I just know it’s going to be
close.
Ann: It’s always exciting when Danny’s
this stoned. He’s usually pretty unpredictable but quite determined.
Chet: Danny’s off to an unsteady start.
He’s having problems with his shoelaces. We’ve seen this before, haven’t
we, Ann?
Ann: Yes we have, it’s usually good for a
three-minute delay.
Chet: But wait! In a dramatic turnaround
he’s decided to forgo wearing shoes, what determination!
Ann: I’m always impressed by his style
Chet, but he is having problems with the door.
Chet: Doors are usually a problem for
Danny, particularly that whole “push or pull” issue. But hang on, he’s
found the knob and wow, he’s out of the gate and onto the street – and
look at him go!
EXT. STREET. NIGHT
Ann: Danny prefers to stumble forward,
which really increases his speed. He’s moving down the driveway now and, uh
oh... He’s forgotten where he’s going.
Chet: Always a set back.
Ann: You bet, Chet. But he’s remembered
and is off. He’s lighting up his last smoke and looking for his car keys...
Chet: But we know he won’t find them
because he doesn’t have a car, but... But...
Both: He’s remembered!
Ann: Oh, oh. He’s starting to giggle.
Yes, he’s giggling uncontrollably.
Chet: This looks bad.
Ann: Well, in a brilliant stroke, he’s
fallen down. Danny’s looking at the moon now. He did that a couple of
month’s ago and it cost him big time.
Chet: He’s definitely become fixated...
He’s transfixed. Boy, is he wasted!
Ann: I’ll say. He was handicapped with
three hits of acid before tonight’s race and he really seems to be having
trouble with it.
Chet; But he’s back up again and moving
like a madman!
Ann: Danny’s so inventive, he’s air
guitaring to some song in his head: This usually bolts him to his parent’s
front door.
Chet: Hang on... Uh, oh, he’s got that
feeling doesn’t he?
Ann: I’m afraid so... He’s so stoned he
thinks his baby toe has fallen off and is trapped under his foot. He’ll have
to take his socks off now and count his toes.
Chet: He takes a final drag of his smoke
and in a highly unusual strategic move, he takes another.
Ann: Oh no, Danny’s getting that defiant,
“fuck my parents if I’m late,” look about him.
Chet: It’s almost as though he’s giving
up.
Ann: But wait! Through a stroke of luck
he’s remembered that he has a joint hidden in his pillowcase and I think
that’s gonna get him home in time. He’s running, he’s up his driveway,
he’s opening the door...
His DAD is waiting for him.
Dad: Grounded!
Ann: Oh well. There’s always next year.
Your
Horoscope:
Aries:
The Sun’s move into Cancer marks the start of the one of the most important
times of the year for you. So wash that canned ham that call you a face and
start making those obscene phone calls.
Taurus: The next few days will be even more filled with strife and toil
than usual. And when it comes to you – that’s saying something.
Gemini: No matter how much you
need to boost your income your scam to rob little old ladies of everything
they own is neither full proof or ethical.
Cancer: The sun has moved into your birth sign. That’s about it for
you today.
Leo: It’s not often you want to cower and hide from the world –
usually it’s just from your family.
Virgo: How you arrive at a certain conclusion is irrelevant: What’s
important is that you smash stuff while you do it.
Libra: The Sun’s transit of the midheaven angle of your chart always
seems to coincide with the rash that sprouts up on your genitals. What’s up
with that?
Scorpio: You should be making plans for the future. You should be pumping
iron and screaming into your pillow. You should be identifying new mountains
to blow up. And here you are: Drunk at work again.
Sagittarius: You may not want to focus on your cash woes so focus instead
on your complete lack of fashion sense.
Capricorn: A bus pole, an errant cow and a Twinkie all come together and
give you a really nasty disease.
Aquarius: You have pushed yourself hard in recent weeks and yet still have
seen no results. Man, life’s a bitch!
Pisces: Your plans to have the “magical fairies” do your housework
still isn’t amounting to anything.
Link
Of The Week: Blogywood
Looking for a fun site with lots of superb
links? Then say hello and thank-you to Steven at Blogywood because he’s got
tons of great stuff for your Internet edification. Blogywood is chock-full of
wild and weird news stories, funny flash, amazing animation, general hilarity,
and, yes, babes. Plus, as a special bonus: It’s all for free! Why does he do
it? I can only guess it’s because he just cares too damn much. Take a peek.
You’ll be glad you did.
This Week’s 10
Words-Or-Less Celebrity Summations:
Jaleel
White (aka: Steve Urkel): Still universally
despised
Bat
Boy: Mortally wounded by music critics and
now dead of rabies
Donny Rumsfeld: Completely out and hideous to the eye
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly
exciting editions of "Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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