"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
June 20
Archie is… What? 82?
Riverdale’s most famous son, that everyman of bland, that fellow who’s
forever dithering between blond Betty and brunette Veronica, that swell
paragon of virtue who was, after all, inspired by the oh so loathsome Mickey
Rooney, that most average of white teens, Archie, is celebrating his 65th
anniversary – which makes him what? 82?
I met up with the Arch-boy at the Pop Shop and chatted briefly with him about
his 65 years in the business. Still
somewhat fresh faced (he admits to endless bouts of plastic surgery, voodoo
incantations to summon up ‘youth spirits,’ experimenting with sheep
placenta, a deal with Lucifer, plus other strange and foreign youthful
rejuvenation concoctions), Archie swigs back from a bottle of plum wine and
throws back the aspirins and Tums like they were sugar
sugar. There’s no doubt in
my mind that an eternity as a teenager has left some deep emotional scars.
”You got five minutes,” he informs me...
Avery:
Nice to meet you,
Archie.
Archie:
Whatever. Now you got four and a half.
Avery: So, how are things in Riverdale?
Archie:
How do you think? Look around; this place is a freak zone.
It ain’t right, I tell ya! Oh sure, on the shiny surface it looks
nice enough, but it’s eerie, you know, man?
This freak show of a town has one black person – and his name is
Chuck. And I think you understand the connotations there. And that’s just so
weird – and wrong. This seemingly happy place is sucking away at my soul. If
there’s such a thing as a soul… My
faith is nothing but a troubled memory. Riverdale kills. I mean everything has
a prefab, unsettlingly, almost too wholesome, sickeningly cheery 1950’s look
to it. Which I guess was fine
enough – in the goddamned 50’s but this is just, just…
Archie
drinks heavily from his plum wine.
Avery:
Yeah, it’s disturbing alright. Say
I wanted to ask you about Big Moose and his dyslexia.
I read somewhere that all those years when he was saying “duh” he
actually meant to be saying “hud.”
Archie:
What’s your point?
Avery:
It was more of a joke.
Archie:
It’s not funny. That guy had rage issues. Anyone who looked at Midge the
wrong way ended up in traction. He was stalking the poor girl.
She finally had a restraining order put out against him. He broke her
neck last week. He’s going to
jail for a long time.
Avery:
Wow, do you think a comic strip character can survive in jail?
Archie:
Moose will be fine. His Aryan buddies will look out after him.
Avery:
Huh. Okay… How’s Jughead?
Archie: He’s dead to me.
Avery:
Really, why is that?
Archie:
Because he died about a year ago. Toxic
shock from all that hamburger meat.
Avery: Wow. Don’t know how I missed that…
Archie:
You got two minutes left.
Avery:
Okay Archie, the big question: Will you ever decide between Betty and
Veronica?
Archie:
Jesus! I don’t know. I guess
I’m still hoping for that three-way. It’s
hard to decide, I mean they’re both so different. Look at them: There’s
Betty with her angular face, curvaceous body, blue eyes, perky breasts, milk
white skin, wide smile, button nose and then there’s Veronica with her…?
Avery:
Angular face, curvaceous body, blue eyes, perky breasts, milk white skin, wide
smile and button nose?
Archie:
Yeah, they’re so different. It’s like comparing apples and oranges.
Avery:
Well, the fact is except for hair colour and social standing they’re
practically identical.
Archie:
I don’t see it. This interview is over!
Avery:
Wait, I was hoping to ask about the Christian sociological significance of
Archie cartoons and the connection between Big Ethel’s sexual ambiguity and
WalMart’s…
But
Archie isn’t having any of it. He
snarls, chugs back the rest of his wine throws down some more aspirin and
Tums, and staggers out into another sunny Riverdale day.
Archie
has left the malt shop.
June 19
A True Story...
The subject was philosophy... The day's topic was Nietzsche,
the philosopher well known for
his dislike of Christianity and famous for his statement, 'God is dead.'
Professor Hagen was lecturing and outside a thunderstorm was raging. It was a
good one. Flashes of lighting were followed closely by ominous claps of
thunder. Every time the professor would describe one of Nietzsche's anti-Christian
views the thunder seemingly echoed his remarks. At the high-point of the
lecture a bolt of lightning struck the ground near the classroom followed by a
deafening clap of thunder. The professor, non-plussed, walked to the window,
opened it, and starting jabbing at the sky with his umbrella. He yelled,
"You senile son of a bitch, your aim is getting worse!" Suffice
it to say that some students were offended by his irreverent remark and
brought it to the attention of the Department Head. The Department Head in
turn took it to the Dean of Humanities who called the professor in for a
meeting. The Dean reminded the professor that the students pay a lot of
tuition and that he shouldn't unnecessarily insult their beliefs.
"Oh," says the professor, "and what beliefs are those?"
"Well, you know," the Dean says, "most students attending this
University are Christians. We can't have you blaspheming during class."
"Surely," says the professor, "the merciful God of Christianity
wouldn't throw lightning bolts. It's Zeus who throws lightning bolts."
Later the Dean spoke with the Department Head, and said, "the next time
you have a problem with that professor you handle it, and let him make an ass
out of you instead."
Found
at One Good Move
June 18
Helpfully Insolent Father’s Day Suggestions
Father’s
Day was invented by the Irish so Gaelic dads could spend one Sunday a year
doing something they never got to do: drinking pints in a filthy pub until
they puked through their noses. The rest of the world celebrates this holiday by giving the poor bastard a tie. Here are my five fun
alternative Father’s Day gifts: 1. Kill his boss. If there’s one thing dad
hates more than work it’s his boss. Instead of buying dad a putter get a 2x4
and repeatedly hit his boss over the head with it until his skull is a smashed
up piece of pulp and you’re ankle deep in a pool of his blood. Dad will love
you forever! 2. Silence for 24 Hours:
Hey, you can go back to reminding the old man what an asshole he is on Monday.
3. Get Him A Hooker: dad gets
laid, the hooker gets paid; everyone’s a winner. 4. Buy Him A Bag of Pot: Dad’s connections ain’t what they used to
be, so show him some love and get him a half ounce of bud. He finally gets a
chance to mellow out and later he’ll order a pizza! 5. Move Out of the goddamned house! Nothing says, “I love you,
dad” like the back of a U-Haul.
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
one minute of fame
ann coulter's affair
clown shoes meaning
lament by avery
which butterfly has hairy fat body
welcome back khadr
mad ecstasy faces twitching
job for a useless bastard
i am a total slut story
bugs bunny in drag
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 188 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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