"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
June 16
Mr. Dressup Still Dead But
Plenty Pissed
After
a decade in reruns, Mr. Dressup is being pulled off the air.
The show stopped production in 1996 when Ernie Coombs retired after three
decades of appearing as Mr. Dressup, a low-key, yet iconic cross dressing TV
character in Canadian television history. Coombs died of a stroke in 2001.
Coombs, who has returned from the dead to weigh in such subjects as the war in
Baghdad, the upside of legalized prostitution and why he’d like to kill the
makers of violent cartoons, made a not so unexpected appearance and was
decidedly unhappy about the CBC’s decision..
“This
sucks rotting cow brains,” the cheerful ectoplasm said, “tonight I’m
going to haunt those brainless and moronic CBC executives. They’re all
deadwood, I tell ya!”
When informed that all executives from the CBC take vacations from June to the
end of September, Coombs – whom it should be noted looked rather fetching
(in a dead way) dressed up as Marilyn Monroe – became irate.
“Damn! I’d
forgotten about that. Those brain dead creeps have it so easy. Oh well, guess
I’m off to cottage country then. Bwe ha ha ha ha ha!”
June 15
Mariah Carey to once again befoul movie screens
A
lot of people are singing about how screwed up the world is, and I don't think
that everybody wants to hear about that all the time.
Butterflies are
always following me, everywhere I go.
I don't mind being
compared to Whitney, there are people miles worse to be
compared
to.
Quotes from Ms. Carey
Mariah Carey, who poisoned moviegoers’ eyes with her
abominable, I mean really, really, really, abominable 2001 flop, Glitter, is
preparing to repeat the process of artistic pollution once more.
Carey will play a waitress in
Tennessee
, directed by Lee Daniels, who produced The Woodsman and Monster's Ball.
"Yes, I’m sleeping with him. God, why is that always
the first question?” Carey asked.
As we all might remember the only good thing that came from
Carey's 2001 film and soundtrack flop Glitter was her breakdown from
exhaustion and the resulting silence. Ah
memories…
June 14
7
Warning Signs You Might Have Alzheimer’s
1. You
are frequently quoted as saying, “I may have Alzheimer’s, but at least I
don’t have Alzheimer’s.”
2. Personal grooming habits
change: It's a hard problem to admit, but if your mom or dad is wearing their
dirty hippy clothes from the 1960’s, if they have bad breath or body odor,
or don’t brush their teeth or hair, they may have Alzheimer’s… Actually,
that kind of describes hippies from back then, doesn’t it? Ignore this one.
3. You
suddenly find yourself… Sorry… where was I?
4. Spoiled food in the refrigerator or
insufficient food in the house. It could be a sign that your loved one
is growing forgetful or, if you’re lucky, it could just mean that they are
poor.
5. Piles of unopened mail or
unread newspapers. Everyone gets behind in reading, ergo, everyone has
Alzheimer’s.
6. Missed bill payments or changes in
finances. Again, poverty is just as likely. Yay! No Alzheimer’s –
just desperate poverty!!!!
7. Quits activities he or she once
enjoyed. Has your mother given up going to church? Well guess what?
That doesn’t mean she has Alzheimer’s – it means she doesn't like
church!
June 13
How
America
Could Win The World Cup
Ha,
ha, ha… Yeah, sure. Okay, okay,
it is only seven games and, hah! well, anything can happen, I, hmph, ha! Okay,
it would go something like this…
*Since writing
this, The
U.S.
has already lost its first game. Clearly they weren’t taking my
notes…
First
round
In
this year's World Cup, the USA has to play a game apiece against traditional
European powers and three-time Cup winners Italy; the offensively-strong Czech
Republic; and Ghana. No sweat. Easy peasy, right…?
The U.S. first go up against the Czechs, who led all of European qualifying in
goal-scoring with the firepower of Milan Baros and Jan Koller up top and the
rock-solid Petr Cech of Chelsea in the nets. But, hey, the
U.S.
players have been provided with chemical weapons and slipping some of those
into the team’s water could make the difference.
And it would also be pretty entertaining to watch the Czech team
running around on the pitch as their teeth and hair fall out.
On the same day,
Italy
is shocked by a
U.S.
air strikes on
Venice
,
Rome
,
Naples
, etc., that all but turns the country into rubble. That attack rattles the
Italians, and when the
U.S.
squares off against them in
Kaiserslautern
against a strongly pro-USA crowd fed by the nearby Air Force base, the
Italians are too busy weeping for their country to care about anything else.
Inconsolable grief =’s a guaranteed win.
The
U.S.
only needs a point to win the group in their final game against
Ghana
, and they get it. The players use a combination of grit, strategy and
handguns to pull of this incredible feat.
Second
round
Because
the
USA
wins the group, they avoid having to face
Brazil
, and instead meet the shock runners-up of Group F —
Canada
. Yes,
Canada
…
The
Canadians are not even in the tournament but are still game. But the
U.S.
has a secret weapon — free beer! The
hungover hosers are no match. And the fact that didn’t even qualify makes
victory a cinch.
Quarterfinals
The
U.S.
gets to face the
Ukraine
, who knock off a weakened French side in the second round.
The
game is a pitched battle, akin to the
USA
's quarterfinal performance against
Germany
in 2002 with one difference —
America
has the player’s wives held hostage and will only release them alive if the
U.S.
wins the game. The
U.S.
wins the game.
Semifinals
The
toughest game the
U.S.
has ever played takes place July 4th in
Dortmund
, and pits the
U.S.
against Europe's toughest team —
Holland
. Yes, the Dutch have made it through and knocked out the hosts for good
measure, which works in the Americans' favor. Hours
before the game
America
troops round up all the Dutch players – turns out they’re terrorists!
Another victory!
Finals
America
is riveted. People that couldn't tell a shin guard from a shoehorn are in the
throes of World Cup fever.
Ann
Coulter is reporting live from
Germany
, having made the snap decision to fly over there and "meet the
Huns." (She’ll use that phrase some hundred times over
the course of two weeks.)
Morning TV shows are airing bits about alcoholic
soccer moms in mini vans; and the wide range of drunk driving charges against
them. Wackiness abounds!
And who does the
U.S.
play? Why,
England
of course! And that means that all
is requited is one phone call from George Bush to his lapdog Tony Blair. Victory
is theirs.
June 10
Simon
Says
INT.
RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Nate and Mary at table in restaurant.
Mary:
Well, he’s late.
Nate:
He’s always late.
Simon
enters restaurant.
Mary:
Oh there he is! Simon! Over here!
Simon:
Hi guys. Simon says give me a hug.
They hug
him.
Mary:
We were getting worried.
Simon:
Simon says never get worried about him, he’ll manage just fine.
Nate:
Something wrong buddy?
Simon: Simon says change the subject.
Mary:
What’s happened Simon?
Simon:
Simon says drop it and get me a drink.
Nate:
Okay, okay… So, where’s Jennifer?
Simon:
Simon says he needs a drink!
Nate: Look like you’ve already had a few buddy.
Simon:
Simon says what the fuck are you, my mother?
Nate: Hey, calm down.
Mary:
Simon!
Simon: Simon says sorry.
Nate: Well, okay then.
Simon:
Simon says Jennifer is a two-faced tramp, slut, whore who left him.
Mary: Oh, I’m sorry Simon.
Simon: Simon says who the fuck needs her. Simon says let’s party.
Nate:
Maybe we’d better take you home, pal.
Simon: Simon says go to hell. Simon wants to get his rocks off tonight.
Nate: Look, I know you’re upset.
Simon:
Simon says you know shit! Simon
says Mary here is looking very attractive tonight.
Mary:
Well, uh, thank you.
Simon:
Simon says she’s smoking hot. Simon says he bets she’s a demon
in the sack. Simon laughs – ha, ha, ha!
Nate:
Hey buddy, that’s my wife you’re talking about.
Simon: Simon says you're divorced.
Nate:
We’re leaving.
They
get up.
Simon: Simon
says sit.
They
sit.
Simon:
Simon says he wants a drink. Nate, get me a drink.
Nate:
Fine, alright…
Simon:
Ha, ha! Simon didn’t say. You’re out!
Nate: Oh come on…
Simon: Simon says fuck off. Take a flying leap.
Nate:
Christ.
He
leaves.
Simon:
Well Mary, Simon says we’re all alone.
Mary:
Yes…
Simon:
Simon says he wants to see you naked.
Mary:
Okay, I’ve heard enough.
Simon:
Simon says he’s hard as a rock.
Mary:
Goodbye Simon.
She
leaves.
Simon:
Simon says fine. Simon says there are plenty of other chicks out there. Simon
says fuck you. Simon says good
riddance… Simon says he needs that drink!
(Simon looks at you -- the reader) Simon says stop reading this
– now!
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
japanese godzilla attacks
geriatric sexual positions
watch ann coulter
frankenstein porky pig song
the taurus man in love matters
white woodchuck
sexy indian ants
job for a useless bastard
bifurcated nipples
beady-eyed moron
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Only 192 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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