"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
June 15
Like
A Dog
Frank sits on couch. Ted enters with two
beers.
TED: Here you go, Frank.
FRANK: Thanks.
They sip their beers. Frank then barks like
a dog.
TED: Frank, did you just bark?
FRANK: Hmmm? Oh, yeah.
TED: Just checking...
FRANK: Ted?
TED: Yeah?
FRANK: Have I ever just bent over and
smelled your ass?
TED: Excuse me?
FRANK: I realize it may sound a bit strange
but on my way home tonight I saw these two dogs smelling each others asses,
and I thought...now that's friendship, that's really something... Don’t you
think?
TED: Frank, they’re dogs...
FRANK: I know that, it's just that they had
known each other for maybe two minutes. Now I've known you for over 10 years
and it occurred to me that I've never bent over and smelled your ass. It
depressed me for some reason. Pass the chips.
TED: Are you okay?
FRANK: I don't know, I'm mixed up. We're
too damn formal...not just you and me, but everybody. I can't remember the
last time I was out and saw a woman I was interested in and just walked up to
her and stuck my nose between her legs. Dogs do that Ted, dogs know, they just
know. They don’t have any hang-ups.
TED: Look Frank, you're missing a very
important point here. They're dogs. The reason they do those things is because
they don't know any better. I mean, they crap on your lawn for God’s sake.
Frank smiles oddly. Ted looks concerned.
TED: Tell me you didn’t...
FRANK: Last night... I just walked over to
the neighbour's house and pinched a loaf under his maple tree. And you know,
it felt good. It felt natural.
TED: You need a vacation.
FRANK: I need fleas, I need to chase cats
and pee on hydrants.
TED: Look, Frank, everyone wants to be free
sometimes. We all want to give up
our responsibilities but we've evolved from that type of bahaviour.
Frank stands up.
FRANK: You're right. Now we
tell people we hate that we like them, we lie, cheat and steal from each
other. We're so emotionally crippled we can't keep a relationship
together let alone carry on a simple straight forward conversation. We're a
repressed, depressed, neurotic and angst filled society that doesn't have the
sense to get in touch with it's own instincts. Now let me smell your ass and
let me smell it now!
Ted smacks him with a newspaper.
TED: Sit!
Frank whimpers, sits down and drinks his
beer.
TED: Good boy.
Your
Horoscope:
Aries:
If you insist on focusing on things that annoy you then you inevitably will
become annoyed. Smarten up for God’s sake.
Taurus: You have finally made up your mind about an important
decision... Um, you think... And is it really that important?
Maybe you should mull this over some more...
Gemini:
The sun at odds with Pluto will make you want to run out onto the street and
start screaming at people: It’s probably wiser that you stick to screaming
into your pillow.
Cancer: If you devote your full and undivided attention to a difficult
problem you just might... Hey, where are you going...?
Leo: Because the sun, your ruler opposes Pluto today, you will... Oh, I
don’t know... let’s say, find true love.
Virgo: You won’t get the recognition that you crave for the simple
reason that you don’t deserve it.
Libra: Others may doubt that you know what you are talking about. They are
known as “The Wise Ones.”
Scorpio: You won’t make sweet love to a sheep.
Sagittarius: See above.
Capricorn: Today’s sun-Pluto opposition warns that you need to stop
playing with yourself and focus on others.
Aquarius: If a task you are working on is too hard – don’t do it! (See
Cancer for more insights.)
Pisces: Laughter may be the best medicine, but you should really see a
doctor about that rash.
Link
Of The Week: Blogywood
Looking for a fun site with lots of superb
links? Then say hello and thank-you to Steven at Blogywood because he’s got
tons of great stuff for your Internet edification. Blogywood is chock-full of
wild and weird news stories, funny flash, amazing animation, general hilarity,
and, yes, babes. Plus, as a special bonus: It’s all for free! Why does he do
it? I can only guess it’s because he just cares too damn much. Take a peek.
You’ll be glad you did.
This Week’s 10
Words-Or-Less Celebrity Summations:
Michael
Jackson: Innocent Pedophile
Tom
Cruise: 61% More Loathsome Than Before
 Sigmund Freud: Still Dead
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly
exciting editions of "Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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