"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
June 14
Your
Horoscope:
Aries:
Everything just comes easily to you: And boy, do we hate you for that!
Taurus: You are smart, funny, intelligent and a sharp dresser...
Yeah, and Michael Jackson really is innocent.
Gemini:
Your desire is strong and you will overcome any and all obstacles life may put
in your way: That is to say, you’re pushy.
Cancer: Make plenty of hasty decisions today and spend tomorrow
regretting them.
Leo: Your practice of professing beliefs, feelings,
or virtues that you really don’t believe in continues to make you a
hypocrite.
Virgo: You don’t need to change your
life radically – just substantially.
Libra: Learn to delegate. Better yet, join The House of Delegates.
Scorpio: You may not be the type to retreat into your shell when the going
gets tough, but oh man, your life sucks so bad right now that no one would
blame you if you did.
Sagittarius: You will get some encouraging news on the phone about Time
Shares.
Capricorn: You have reached a turning point. Exhausting, isn’t it? Have
a 7-day nap.
Aquarius: If you complain to other people expect them to strike you.
Pisces: Uranus, planet of changes is... Hehehe, “Uranus.”
Link Of The Week: Blogywood
Looking for a fun site with lots of superb links?
Then say hello and thank-you to Steven at Blogywood because he’s got tons of
great stuff for your Internet edification. Blogywood is chock-full of wild and
weird news stories, funny flash, amazing animation, general hilarity, and,
yes, babes. Plus, as a special bonus: It’s all for free! Why does he do it?
I can only guess it’s because he just cares too damn much. Take a peek.
You’ll be glad you did.
Partisan
Broadcasting Service
The Republican campaign to quash public
broadcasting's "liberal slant" is complete. Radical programming
changes are set to commence and Republicans are delighted that they will now
have a real impact in shaping the wee minds of unsuspecting television
viewers.
Here is the new conservative-friendly PBS morning line-up.
7:00 AM. Arthur
Loves Everyone: Except Queers, Minorities and Welfare Bums
Arthur Read, the spectacular
bespectacled aardvark is getting tired of all the left-wing and colorful
animal cohorts who get in his way of making money and who pollute the world
with their misguided liberalism. Arthur’s still friendly: it’s just that
he’s more choosey about who his friends are.
 7:30 AM. Tinky Winky:
The Teletubbie In Hell
That cute little deviant Tinky Winky is
roasting in Hell for his sins and for all to see. Sample dialogue: “Oooooh,
hot. Pitchfork. Sinner. Repent homosexual! Repent! Repent!”
 8:00 AM. Barney and
his CIA Dino Friends
Think one of your neighbors
might be a terrorist? Don’t trust that lady in the burqa? Afraid your
parents might be dope-smoking Democrat pagans? Then dial 242-3466 (CIA DINO)
and squeal on them. Come on kids, Barney says, “It’s fun to rat people
out.” Remember his catchy song:
I
hate them, be like me
Everywhere there’s conspiracy...
 8:30 AM. The
Bernstein Bears Renounce Their Jewish Faith
Oi vey! Those Jewish
Bernstein Bears have finally discovered that their religious beliefs are
“completely wrong.” It’s 30
fun-filled minutes of the Bears converting to Christianity. Today’s episode:
Papa Bear wonders how he can undo his circumcision.
 9:00 AM. Calliou –
Canadian, French, and Not To Be Trusted
La petite boy and froggy
Canuckian lives with a mad cow and his ignorant parents who are gay and
married. Being Canadian is now a cautionary tale. Watch out kids – it could
happen to you!
 9:30 AM.
Clifford the Big Right God
Clifford is no longer a
friendly and helpful dog. He’s now an unforgiving and cruel deity. And if
you’re a little heathen and don’t go to your Christian church then Clifford
is sending you straight to Hell once you die. Which really can’t be soon
enough as far he’s concerned. Not everything on the show has been retooled.
Clifford’s still as big as a house... Let’s say, oh, The White House.
 10:00
AM. The Sesame Street Common Sense Hour
Once known as “Sodomy
Street” among the rightwing (Come be gay, everything’s a-o-k) the
times they are a changing on Sesame Street. Bert and Ernie have finally found
God and wives. Big Bird wants you to join the army and Kermit is ashamed of
being a frog (French). New songs include: “Touching Yourself Is A Sin”
“Our Man Bush is a Great Great Man” (Sung to Old McDonald Had A
Farm) and the timeless classic “Go Back to Russia.”
 11:00 AM. Intelligence Photos From Buster
That rabbit won’t be
visiting any more lesbian couples ever again. But, after some “coaxing”
Buster has decided to travel across the world and acquire photos for his new
friends in Washington. Look! He’s got surveillance photos of Evil War Lords!
And who’s that cave-dwelling Neanderthal he took a picture of? Why, is it
Osama Bin Laden?
 11:30 AM. Uncle Dick
Cheney’s Liberal Round Up and Reading Hour
New
to the Partisan Broadcast Service is Uncle Dick Cheney’s TV show for kids.
Each day Uncle Dick reads to the rug rats from a book that he will later burn.
Today, it’s The Communist Manifesto. Then, in his funniest Elmer Fudd
voice (Be vewy vewy qwiet, I’m hunting Kewwy, haw haw haw), Uncle Dick will
round up some liberals and show the kids how to bite their heads off.
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly
exciting editions of "Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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