"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
June 13
Partisan
Broadcasting Service
The Republican campaign to quash public
broadcasting's "liberal slant" is complete. Radical programming
changes are set to commence and Republicans are delighted that they will now
have a real impact in shaping the wee minds of unsuspecting television
viewers.
Here is the new conservative-friendly PBS morning line-up.
7:00 AM. Arthur
Loves Everyone: Except Queers, Minorities and Welfare Bums
Arthur Read, the spectacular
bespectacled aardvark is getting tired of all the left-wing and colorful
animal cohorts who get in his way of making money and who pollute the world
with their misguided liberalism. Arthur’s still friendly: it’s just that
he’s more choosey about who his friends are.
 7:30 AM. Tinky Winky:
The Teletubbie In Hell
That cute little deviant Tinky Winky is
roasting in Hell for his sins and for all to see. Sample dialogue: “Oooooh,
hot. Pitchfork. Sinner. Repent homosexual! Repent! Repent!”
 8:00 AM. Barney and
his CIA Dino Friends
Think one of your neighbors
might be a terrorist? Don’t trust that lady in the burqa? Afraid your
parents might be dope-smoking Democrat pagans? Then dial 242-3466 (CIA DINO)
and squeal on them. Come on kids, Barney says, “It’s fun to rat people
out.” Remember his catchy song:
I
hate them, be like me
Everywhere there’s conspiracy...
 8:30 AM. The
Bernstein Bears Renounce Their Jewish Faith
Oi vey! Those Jewish
Bernstein Bears have finally discovered that their religious beliefs are
“completely wrong.” It’s 30
fun-filled minutes of the Bears converting to Christianity. Today’s episode:
Papa Bear wonders how he can undo his circumcision.
 9:00 AM. Calliou –
Canadian, French, and Not To Be Trusted
La petite boy and froggy
Canuckian lives with a mad cow and his ignorant parents who are gay and
married. Being Canadian is now a cautionary tale. Watch out kids – it could
happen to you!
 9:30 AM.
Clifford the Big Right God
Clifford is no longer a
friendly and helpful dog. He’s now an unforgiving and cruel deity. And if
you’re a little heathen and don’t go to your Christian church then Clifford
is sending you straight to Hell once you die. Which really can’t be soon
enough as far he’s concerned. Not everything on the show has been retooled.
Clifford’s still as big as a house... Let’s say, oh, The White House.
 10:00
AM. The Sesame Street Common Sense Hour
The
times they are a changing on Sesame Street. Bert and Ernie have finally found
God and wives, Big Bird wants you to join the army and the previous spirit of
“fun and learning” has been replaced with “conservative values and
shame."
 11:00 AM. Uncle Dick
Cheney’s Reading Hour
New
to the Partisan Broadcast Service is Uncle Dick Cheney’s TV show for kids.
Each day Uncle Dick reads to the rug rats from a book that he will later burn.
Today, it’s Harry Potter – tomorrow,
The 9/11 Commission Report.
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly
exciting editions of "Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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