"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
June 12
Mad Cows Are More
“Pissed Off” Than “Mad”
The U.S. government says it’s time for
“all citizens” to "start panicking" about Mad Cow Disease.
Even
more startling: The Agriculture Department has confirmed rumors that today its
department was attacked by a roving gang of mad cows.
“They
barged in here, smacked me around, gave me a wedgie, then smashed up all our
cool lab stuff – even the microscopes,” Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns
said. “These cows aren’t just mad – they’re completely pissed off. I
urge everyone: If you see a cow approaching – shoot it. Or run away.”
Johanns,
former governor of beef-producing Nebraska, told reporters during a conference
call that the cows, “Warned me to stop eating steak and to stick to chicken
and fish. Then they smashed up all my lab stuff and made me their bitch!”
Gangs
of pissed off cows have been sighted hassling average citizens and roaming
city streets in leather jackets. Washington officials have declared a National
State of Emergency.
“We’re
going to have shoot everyone of those batty bovines that are brimming with BSE.
It’s going to require lots of ammunition and, hehehe, “udder”
conviction,” said Dr. John Clifford, bad punster, chief veterinary officer
of the department’s Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service, and gun nut.
Clifford
speculates that the cows made their way into the U.S. through, “Those fucking flimsy Canadian borders.”
Your
Horoscope:
Aries:
Mars moves into your birth sign this weekend then eats all the food in your
fridge and has sex with your wife.
Taurus: No matter how good you are at solving problems, you still
can’t figure out how to keep your mouth shut.
Gemini: There will be some major changes this weekend: But not for you
because, man, are you stuck in a rut.
Cancer: As Mercury, planet of the mind moves into your sign you
will be able to recognize that all horoscopes are pure crap and not to be
taken seriously.
Leo: Mars, planet of energy, moves into one of the more dynamic areas
of your chart and yet you still can’t muster up enough energy to get off
your lazy ass and clean the bathroom.
Virgo: You are not the kind of person who can turn their back on someone.
Ironically, the rest of the world has no problem turning their back on you.
Libra: Mars, planet of anger, moves into your car. Let the Road Rage
commence!
Scorpio: You’re restless, feisty, hyperactive, and yes, you’ve been
drinking for the past 24 hours. For God’s sake – go to bed.
Sagittarius: You will be even more full of yourself and unbearable than usual
as Mars, planet of ego moves into your chart.
Capricorn: Get back to work!
Aquarius: See above.
Pisces: The entry of Mars into the moneymaking sector of your chart
inspires you with terrific ideas on how to steal from people.
Link Of The Week: Doug’s
Dynamic Drivel
I
just can’t say enough good things about Doug Alder’s Blog. But let me try.
What makes it stand out from the crowd are Doug’s personal touches: The
guy’s incredibly perceptive, thoughtful, funny, and, he’s Canadian.
I visit this site every day – check it out. You’ll be glad you did.
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