"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
July 30
Maggots Can’t Be Saved
An army of maggots died a day
after emergency workers found them, a fire official said Wednesday.
Paramedics were sent to Michael Link's home
Sunday night after his 66-year-old roommate, Adam West, said that he noticed
that his maggot collection was “crawling all over a human body that looked
like a dead version of my roommate Michael.”
The maggots were lying in the corpse’s
feces and "looked almost as bad as the dead guy,” said one paramedic.
The maggots were taken to a hospital, where
they died Monday, the surgeon said.
The roommate is in shock over the loss of
his maggot collection and is undergoing psychiatric evaluation. A service for
the maggots will be held this Sunday. Guests are asked to bring decaying
organic matter or to make a donation to the Rotting Biomass Foundation.
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INT. OFFICE -- DAY
Dave
enters the Boss's office.
BOSS:
Ah Dave, glad you could make it up here so fast.
I have a question for you. How
would you like a raise? Say a
hundred thousand a year and all the perks you can eat?
DAVE:
Like it?
I'd love it!
BOSS:
Well you'll never get it here.
Pack up and get out. You're
fired.
DAVE:
Fired?
What did I do?
BOSS:
Nothing.
I just felt like exercising my power in a completely arbitrary manner
and you were the first person I saw in the parking lot.
Get the Hell out of here.
DAVE:
But you can't just fire me on a whim.
BOSS:
You know, you're right. Take two
weeks off, full pay and forget I ever mentioned it.
DAVE:
Thank you.
BOSS:
You're welcome...but before you leave, tell me...tell me you'd eat grass if I
told you to. Better yet, go
outside and eat some grass. I can
watch you from my window.
DAVE:
Mr. Heldon, I still have my pride.
BOSS:
Really? I'll tell you what.
I'll give you five thousand dollars for it.
I'll give you five thousand dollars if you eat grass and...wear your
underwear on your head all afternoon.
DAVE:
Go to Hell.
BOSS:
Then you're fired again...No, no you're not...yes, yes you are.
DAVE:
Let me make this easy for you. I
quit.
BOSS:
Wait...come back.
How about this? You leave my office right now and go back to work and I'll
ask nothing of you. We'll just
forget this ever happened.
DAVE:
I don't know...alright.
BOSS:
You're fired.
DAVE:
Fine! Goodbye!
BOSS:
Hold it...I mean it this time.
Go now, back to work and we'll forget all of this ever happened.
DAVE:
How can I believe you?
You're just toying with me.
BOSS:
You're right and I apologize.
Tell you what, I'm going to give you a raise.
A modest raise.
DAVE:
Alright...
BOSS:
I'll give you a modest raise provided I can call you a piece of shit before
you go back to work.
DAVE:
That's it! I quit!
I wouldn't work for you if this was the only job on the planet.
BOSS:
Not even if I gave you a company car?
DAVE:
Screw your car.
BOSS:
You know Dave, you're the only person who's ever stood up to me like this and
I'd like to say thank you.
DAVE:
I don't believe you. You're not
going to suck me in again. I have
my pride.
BOSS:
I know that Dave and I'm not going to
try and convince you to stay, all I ask is that you listen to one proposal.
You can walk out of here with two weeks severance pay and your pride or
you can walk out of here with two years severance pay in a dress...In a dress
singing 'I'm in the mood for Love.'
DAVE:
Goodbye.
BOSS:
Wait, Dave. I'm writing you a
cheque for two hundred, no half a million, and all you have to do is swallow
your pride, get down on your hands and knees and tell me I'm a God to you and
that if you were a woman you'd want me. The
beg for your job back, and I mean grovel.
Tears, Dave, I want tears. Do
that and this cheque is yours.
DAVE:
Alright...Sir, you are a God to me...
BOSS:
I've changed my mind. Get the
hell out, you're fired.
Your
Horoscope:
Aries:
Over-analyzing your problems is a hazardous activity. Facing them straight on
will give you the willies. Denying they exist and drinking straight from a
bottle of scotch will make you feel warm and happy inside. The choice is
yours.
Taurus: This
is one of those days when being ruthless helps you get ahead. It’s known as,
“Welcome to the Real World Day.”
Gemini: See above.
Cancer: You have the temperament of neutered poodle and the
testicles of a neutered poodle.
Leo: You will continue to view cabbage as a European vegetable
of the mustard family, having a globose head consisting of a short stem and
tightly overlapping green to purplish leaves. You will also continue to be
called a cabbage by those who know you.
Virgo: Your confidence may not be strong
but your breath is!
Libra: A recent attempt to be more disciplined has you buying all kinds of
bondage gear. By the way, you look kind of silly in that mask.
Scorpio: If your reputation is important to you then what the hell have
you been doing all these years?
Sagittarius: You are aware that you are unaware. Ponder on that, Buddha.
Capricorn: You confuse your sense of humour with your sense of
entitlement. Sitcom like hilarity and selfishness abounds.
Aquarius: You will read this horoscope. Hey, it’s not much, but you
can’t say it didn’t happen!
Pisces: It’s not like you to be rude but you... Oh who are we kidding?
Rude is your middle name!
This Week’s
Featured Album:
Geraldine and Ricky
Trees
Talk Too!
Liner
Notes.
All
Material by Geraldine and Ricky
* Unless Noted
Recorded
Live at The Belleview Hospital for the Insane
Side
One:
1.
Good Wood
2. My Hand’s Up Your Ass (And My Fingers Are Covered In Splinters)
3. Everyone Says I’m Crazy (To Love You)
4. Let Me Do The Talking
5. Shut Up Dummy
6. Trees Talk Too! (Crazy Bedlam Dance Mix)
7. Geraldine (If You Love Me, You Will Kill People!)
Side
Two:
1.
My Split Personality
2. Ventriloquism – Art Form of the Future
3. Once Again, The Children Are Crying
4. Notes on Ricky’s Schizophrenia, Extreme Paranoid Tendencies, Repetition
Compulsion, and His Many Other Mental Disorders *(written by Dr. Seymour
Rabinovitz)
5. The Bitch Wears White *(written by Ricky)
6. Do The Lobotomy *(written by Dr. Seymour Rabinovitz)
7. No More Voices (In My Head) *(written by Ricky and Frank Sinatra)
In my many years as a
clinical psychoanalyst, I had come across thousands of bizarre and disturbing
cases, yet none of them was ever so troubling and freakishly weird as the
split-personality case of Geraldine and Ricky. (Or Ricky and Geraldine,
depending on whom you talked to.)
Ricky and Geraldine were
brought to my office by their traumatized and severely alcoholic parents. They
claimed that Geraldine and Ricky’s relationship, while initially cute and
funny, was now bordering on the “weird and scary.” It was also implied
that the two had begun to “hurt people.” While drinking from a flask,
their mother blurted out that they shared a bed and were involved in
“unnatural activities” together. I promised to do what I could.
Right off the bat it
became apparent that Ricky was the dominant aggressor in the relationship. He
insulted me, broke my office lamp and swore like a turret’s victim.
Geraldine, for her part, tended to smile vacantly and look glassy eyed. The
fact that Ricky constantly referred to her as a “dumb bitch” and a
“controlling whore” demonstrated just how conflicted he was about
Geraldine, and her role in his life. The fact that his hateful words seemed to
have no impact on Geraldine whatsoever allowed me to conclude that she was the
“enabler” in this relationship, and, I suspected, probably also very
passive aggressive.
The first thing I did was
have them committed. I then began to creatively mix and prescribe mind-bending
drugs that would cure them. Large doses of powerful hallucinogenics would be
required! Ricky really seemed to take to them and talked endlessly about all
the “cool colors, man!” whereas Geraldine became listless and started
sprouting mustache hairs. I would
need to rethink my methodology.
My next brainstorm was to
put them in straightjackets and separate them. Again, the results were not
what I had hoped for. Ricky became silent and lay in the corner, inert,
refusing to eat, move, breath or talk, while Geraldine began forming an
extremely unhealthy relationship with a wooden chair.
One late night, while sitting in my office drinking and masturbating in
moderation, I finally arrived at what would ultimately be the perfect therapy
to help these two troubled souls slay their mental demons and find peace of
mind: Lobotomies all round!
Later, my secretary suggested that instead of carving out small pieces of
their frontal lobes, maybe I should encourage them to record an album. She
noted that I could then analyze the resulting creation and search for
psychological clues in the words that might serve as the root source and
foundations of their mental disorder. Since I couldn’t find my lobotomy
scalpel, I decided to go this route. Perhaps it might prove to be therapeutic.
The result was Geraldine
and Ricky’s “Trees Talk Too!” a combination of traditional gypsy music,
talk-therapy and ventriloquism comedy with some clinical observations by me.
I obtained some intriguing
insights into the brains of both of them through the material. It was obvious
that Ricky was the creative visionary whereas Geraldine was simply the
straight woman and Ricky’s goonish plastic-haired sidekick. Of course I had
to keep a lid on some of Ricky’s “artistic concepts.” His idea to have
Geraldine strip would have excited the other patients far too much, and there
was no way in hell the two of them were going to perform a “live sex
show.”
As the creative power
struggle became more enhanced between the two, so did their hopes of recovery.
Geraldine often talked of a sock puppet from her childhood that she wouldn’t
mind revisiting and Ricky began working on a solo stand-up comedy act about
insanity, wood products and his immense dislike of carpenters and termites.
By the time the album was
recorded (live, at our very own Belleview Hospital for the Insane) a rift
between the two had formed that would never be mended.
Shortly after the album
was recorded, Ricky met me for a private consultation and admitted that the
time had come to give up the “unhealthy act of ventriloquism” and “get
on with life.” He told me had discarded his puppet, Geraldine, and as far as
he was concerned I could toss her into the incinerator.
I asked him if he didn’t
want to have the Geraldine dummy as a keepsake (this was a test!), but he told
me it would just be an unpleasant memory of his troubled mental times. He was
free of the dummy and happier for it... I had solved the case!
I congratulated Ricky on
his incredible breakthrough and then when he wasn’t looking, I gave him a
lobotomy (I can’t help myself!) and sent him on his way.
I’m proud to say that Ricky is now a functioning member of society and a
small-time criminal and a petty thug at worst.
Geraldine, of course, was
nothing more than a stuffed puppet made of wood shavings, foam, glue, plastic,
and cheap pinewood. However she sits on an honored place on my office
bookshelf. Sometimes when I look into her glassy eyes I swear she almost looks
human...
Dr. Seymour Rabinovitz
Belleview Hospital for the
Insane (1972)
Cover photo: Hans the Orderly ©
1972 Bedlam Records
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
virgo
bong
how to have fun in one minute
pope ass
hurting burning nasty
going rotter in bed
rabid goat email
elmo gone bad
which dr. you visit for a hemorrhoid
happy clown no such thing
spanking and accountability
(to the top)
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