 |
"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
July 26
The Stupid Things I Did Today: WD 40
Everyday we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to do
them more and better than others. (And
yes, anyone who would brag about this is obviously really, really, stupid!)
Some very impressive feats of stupidity were achieved today on my behalf. I
am discovering a couple of interesting things: The first is that quite often
one act of stupidity begets a following act and so and so on.
There is, it appears, a chain reaction to acts of idiocy; a single act
of stupidity inevitably leads to following acts of idiocy.
It just is...
I have also discovered that even when I’m in bed this does not mean I
am safe from my stupidity.
1.
Today’s stupidity all began in bed.
A seemingly fun place… The
sun had long set and I was lying down and enjoying relaxing with a good book.
From outside one of my windows (I believe the side window that is
connected to the driveway), I hear the sound of a distressed baby bird.
Now it’s after dark and even a stupid guy like me knows that when a
bird is making noises after dark something is seriously wrong with it.
And judging by the high pitched sounding tone of the poor creature’s
cries, this little, warm-blooded, egg-laying, feathered vertebrates with
forelimbs modified to form wings is in some serious trouble.
My charming wife happens to walk by and I tell her that I can hear a bird
outside in distress.
“Where
outside?” she asks.
”By the driveway, I think,” I tell her.
It should be noted here that my wife is much more of a “take action” kind
of person than I am, and so while I feel that having discovered the source of
the problem thus frees me from any responsibility, being the good soul that
she is, my wife is quickly outside searching for the bird.
From the driveway I hear her telling me that she can neither see nor
hear it. I yell from the side
window that I can still hear it and so obviously the bird must be in the
backyard.
As I listen to her tromp about in the backyard I get back to the business of
enjoying my book.
About
ten minutes later she enters the bedroom (no, I still haven’t gotten up) and
says that if there is a bird she
can’t see or hear it. I get a
little snooty and in my best imitation of a lazy know-it-all, tell her that
her hearing must be damaged because I can still clearly hear the poor pitiable
bird’s cry’s of anguish.
There
is pause. My wife’s listens for
a minute. I hear the sound.
I give her a “You see?” look. That’s
when she informs me that the so-called bird I am hearing is actually the sound
of the fan oscillating. I watch
the fan… Sure enough, every time it turns from right to left it makes a
creaking “bird in distress” type of noise.
She
leaves the room but not before enjoying her daily laugh at my expense.
Here’s where my original act of stupidity begets more resulting acts of
stupidity… (And has me using
stupid and archaic words like “beget.”)
2. Now that I am aware the fan is making a creaking noise (similar to that of
a distressed baby bird), I break out the WD40.
I decide to spray the fan. Oh
sure, I could hit the OFF button, but that would make too much sense.
I start spraying lavish amounts of WD40 into the fan and am rewarded
with a face full of the stuff being blown directly into nostrils, eyes and
mouth as a reward for my stupidity. I
try again, this time when the fan is not directly in my face and note that the
WD40 is not entering the fan but just being blown about the room.
I don’t know why I didn’t realize this the first time, or the
second, but it’s only starting to dawn on me know to turn off the fan.
So I do.
3. Having thoroughly lubricated the fan, I turn it back on, plunk myself down
on my bed and carry on reading. The
fan still creaks, but at least it’s not as loud and it sounds more
mechanical as opposed to animal. As
I read, I start to feel giddy and for some reason have a bit of a headache.
Why? Well that’s a mystery to me until my long suffering wife
reenters the bedroom and announces that the stink of WD40 has permeated not
only the entire room but a good portion of the house.
Apparently it’s so bad she is threatening to sleep in hammock in the
backyard where the distressed baby bird never was.
4. Lightheaded, I giggle
and tell her not to worry, that I will take care of it. I see no look of
reassurance at all on her face. I
pat her on the head much the way a patronizing school teacher would me, send
her off and then make my way to the kitchen to solve this latest me-induced
dilemma.
4a: I realize that in order to get
rid of the WD40 stink, I will require the big bottle of Febreeze.
5. I march back into the bedroom and spray the Febreeze into fan.
Oh sure, I could hit the OFF button, but that would mean that Id
learned something from my previous WD40 adventure.
I start spraying insane amounts of Febreeze into the fan and am
rewarded with yet another face full of toxic chemicals being blown directly
into nostrils, eyes and mouth as a reward for my stupidity.
I try again, this time when the fan is not directly in my face and note
that the Febreeze is not entering the fan but just being blown about the room.
I tell myself that this was my original plan and all is going according
to it.
6. I know notice the smell in the
room. The combination of WD40 and Febreeze is obviously a pestilent one that
was never meant to be. It
certainly isn’t pleasant. It’s
like a fresh smelling chemical spill. For some reason my eyes begin to get
scratchy and irritated. I check
the Febreeze bottle and discover that it “May cause eye irritation” I look
at the WD40 and note that “Direct inhalation of spray may be harmful.”
I open the windows and go outside for a long walk. Sure, there’s an
air quality alert, but I figure it can’t be any worse than inside. Right?
July 24
The Stupid Things I Did Today:
Watch The
Burn
Everyday we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to do
them more and better than others. (And
yes, anyone who would brag about this is obviously really, really, stupid!)
I was pretty good over the weekend. About the only stupid
thing I did (at least to my knowledge) is fixate on the barbecue burn on my arm.
As
far as burns go, this one was a total pussy cat. It never really burned (the key
function of a burn's purpose, if I'm not mistaken) and it certainly never
hurt in the slightest. But after watching it swell up, I did (and rather
wisely, I might add) eventually ice it.
What's got me fixated about the burn is that
its left a Harry Potter-ish type of "mark." It looks like an
arrow/detour road sign… A “brand” of stupidity if you will. And when I
think about all the time I’ve wasted looking at it and
thinking about it... Well, that's when I sadly realize I've wasted so much
time just thinking about how much time I've already wasted looking and
thinking about it. Not to mention then writing it all down. It's all very
stupid when I really think about it. But then I realize that "thinking
about it" is the antithesis of stupidity... Then there's the inevitable
headache. And yet, my burn, my brand of stupidity, doesn't hurt at all.
It's very suspicious...
The
Mark. (aka: Branded Stupidity)
July 22
The Stupid Things I Did Today – The Teapot
Everyday
we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to do them more
and better than others. (And yes,
anyone who would brag about this is obviously really, really, stupid!)
It was
back to stupid business as usual for me today as I managed to perpetrate a
series of small mental gaffs that not only made me wonder about the state of
my brain (reminding me of that saying, “I may have Alzheimer’s, but at
least I don’t have Alzheimer’s”) but were also able to do some minor
physical damage to my poor, weary body. Still,
all things considered, I’d have to – lamentably – consider this not too
bad a day…
The stupid things I did today:
1. I make a pot of tea and pour
myself and lovely wife a cup. Later,
when I decide to get a second cup from the teapot I discover that for some
bizarre reason the tea pot is not in the tea cozy.
So begins the search. I
start by asking my lovely wife if she did something with the teapot – “Like
what?” she reasonably asks. I sputter out some stupid sentence along the
lines of “Did you put it somewhere?” She then sighs, gives me a look that
says “Wow, you can be really tiring,” and dryly informs me she hasn’t put
it anywhere or done anything with the tea pot. When I ask her if she’s sure
about this, her half smile of bemusement instantly transforms into a
pronounced scowl of
frustration. While I still
suspect she is somehow responsible, I decide to let it go.
So I search the house for the damn teapot. and after
fifeteen minutes and an endless stream of mumbling, grumbling, bitching,
moaning and wailing, I decide to give up the search.
Clearly, aliens have somehow invaded my house and stolen the teapot from the
cozy.
2. Later, when I go to the fridge
for brownies and beer (not the smartest of diets, I admit) , I discover the misplaced teapot,
sitting innocently enough beside a carton
of milk.
3. I spend about 10 minutes
wondering why my printer won’t print before I realize it’s out of paper.
I spend another 10 minutes wondering just how many times in my life I've
wasted 10 minutes on my printer.
4. The barbecue – which I now
view as a summer foe (Superman has his Lex Luther; Stupid Man (me) has
his barbecue) once again gets the best of me: I
grill a big pile of veggies in a veggie grill and am carrying the sizzling
grill into the
house when I realize that I’ve stupidly closed the door. Still holding the
blisteringly hot grill in my oven-mitted hand I try and negotiate opening the
door with the other – I briefly, very, very briefly allow the incredibly,
wildly, burningly, hot
grill to touch the inside of my arm – it hurts, but nothing terrible.
I probably should ice my arm right away -- but I'm really hungry. So I have
dinner. I enjoy my meal. I bring my plates
into the kitchen. I look at the small burn on my arm – it's swollen to the
size of a small grape. For some
reason, I seem surprised by this.
July 20
The Stupid Things I Did
Today:
Air Conditioner
Everyday we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to
do them more and better than others. (And
yes, anyone who would brag about this is obviously really, really, stupid!)
I’m not good at much, but I am good at consistently being rather stupid.
Okay,
so I thought I might make it through this day without incident – that was my
first mistake. It’s always the mark of a stupidity to think, “Wow, it
looks like I’m not going to do anything stupid today.”
You have just cursed yourself with stupidity. From this point on you
may as well find a rake head to step on and get any and all oncoming idiotic
incidents out of the way – because you’re in for a storm of stupidity.
Yes, all was going well until…
1. I notice the air conditioner in
my second story bedroom window and can’t help but think that if I adjust it
just a little this will somehow provide me with more cool air.
(I know, my logic leaves little to be desired!) I begin fiddling with
it. The air conditioner seems to be jammed in the window – I give it a good
push… The air conditioner falls out of the window and crashes onto my side
driveway.
2. Now outside on the side
driveway, I examine the smashed up hunk of twisted carnage that is splayed –
and clearly dead – in front of me. I
put my hands over my mouth and scream into them.
Then for good measure, I kick the dead air conditioner.
I am only wearing sandals. My
big toe begins to immediately throb. I
hobble back into the house taking solace that none of my neighbours witnessed
this and that no one other than my stupid self was hurt.
3. I sit on the edge of the tub
with my toe submerged in cold water and as my teeth chatter away I try and
think up creative excuses to give my long suffering wife when she gets home
and inevitably asks, “What the hell happened to the air conditioner?”
I come up with a variety of rather ingenious ones including:
-A gang of errant squirrels tried to break into the house through the window
and caused the air conditioner to tip over
-“Did you hear on the news that we had a small earthquake? Because we did!
Really!”
-The house is shifting and today it really shifted to the right; so much so
the air conditioner fell out
-“I don’t know how it happened, I was at church all day”
- “The air conditioner was on fire and in order to save the house, I had to
push it out the window”
-It
wasn't me, it was the terrorists!
And my personal
favourite…
-“Honey, what the hell did YOU do to the air conditioner?”
4. In the end I
settle, stupidly, for telling the truth. Not because it’s the right thing to
do, but because I’m not smart enough to think up a believable enough excuse.
The sound of my wife’s laughter and her finger pointed at me in a rather
mocking manner almost make it all worth while…
Later:
When
it was all over and my toe had stopped throbbing and I had a moment to
reflect, I was reminded of a friend of mine from my youth.
His name was
Wayne
– and he wasn’t very bright. In
fact, between the two of us, he was the stupid one. One day when he was over
at my parent’s house my mother asked him what he wanted to do with his life.
Without missing a beat my friend replied, “Well, I think I’d like
to be an air conditioner.”
Really.
My mom looked vaguely uncomfortable and, I believe, worried about the quality
of friends I was spending time with, whereas I burst out laughing and asked
Wayne how he would pull this off. Did he plan to stand outside people’s
windows with a mouthful of ice cubes?
Today’s adventure with the air conditioner reminded me of
Wayne
and made me reassess just which one of us really was the stupid one...
RIP (Rust
in Pieces) Air Conditioner... 2001 –
2006
July 19
The Stupid Things I Did
Today:
My Continual and Protracted Dumbing Down...
Everyday
we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to do them more
and better than others. (And yes,
anyone who would brag about this is obviously really, really, stupid!)
I was
in fairly good “Idiot Form” today…
1. I awake convinced that I am catching a cold as my poor, raw throat is
aching. Bemoaning my fate to my just awaking wife (who, it must be said is
awakened by my moaning), she proceeds to roll her eyes and tell me that the
reason my throat is sore probably has to do with the fact that I slept with a
fan blowing into my face. Okay,
she’s right, but she could have faked a little sympathy.
2. Later: I scratch my face with
ballpoint pen – unaware that the tip is out.
I then proceed to wander about outside for a couple of hours with pen
marks all over my face. (I thought
I heard people laughing!) Have to admit, I am impressed by my level of
stupidity!
3. I am impressed by my level of stupidity (see above).
4. Go out and buy a big bottle of Ginger Ale.
Walk home quickly with bottle. Get
in house. Go to kitchen. Open bottle. Carbonated
Ginger Ale explodes in my face, on my arms and clothes, all over the counter
and eventually onto the floor (after I drop the bottle).
As best as I reckon I paid a $1.99 for the pleasure of mopping my
floor. Can’t say it was worth
it.
5. While barbecuing T-Bone steaks
I leave the cooking tongs in the house. I wonder if maybe I can flip them
using my hands by grabbing onto the bone.
I discover (not surprisingly) that the bone is also very hot. I
now have two new little burns on my thumb and forefinger.
Dean
Friedman is Great!
Quirky pop
musician extraordinaire, Dean Friedman
has a great new single/animation out that I am currently loving to no end.
It’s called, I
Miss Monica and it’s from his latest CD “Squirrels in the Attic.” Like all his wonderful tunes, this one is catchy, smart,
very, very funny and
it’s getting repeated playing over at my house. What can I say other than this guy is great.
Check him out!
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
daffy duck and tickle buddy
ndp goodie bag
ignore aquarius
meth jokes
zoboomafoo in
Canada
i am ali
close window on hot summer
gonzo but not forgotten
catholic pope outfit
avery cosmetics or soap or soaps or lotion or lotions or gel or gels or cream
or creams or shampoo or shampoos or conditioner or conditioners
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 152 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to
the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
|
|
Send
this site to your friend! |  |
