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EXCLUSIVE: GETTING INSIDE THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY

Part IV of Avery Ant’s story of going undercover inside the spaced out world of The Church of Scientology.
“Parts I – III can be read at:
AverysJournaljuly23.htm
AverysJournaljuly24.htm
AverysJournaljuly25.htm

Kirstie Alley has claimed her victims and left for her barbecue. No lie, her ass is the size of Rhode Island and it took three volunteers and a plunger to get it through the door. I am lucky. I am told I have been spared, “this time.”

I'm then slapped around by a supervisor called “Gorgon 29” for the simple reason that – as she blithely puts it – “I’m a big shot here and you’re nothing but a mouse turd.”

I’m then un-handcuffed and given the chance to practice "auditing" on an inanimate object. This is an essential technique which helps students to address negative memories, called engrams, that are holding back true potential.

I sit in front of a cardboard box. I'm then judged on my ability to hold a conversation with the box and told off for not directing my gaze at it as I speak. Eventually my inability to “do it right” infuriates them and I am stuffed inside the cardboard box. It is then taped up and a few air holes are poked into it. I am told this is my new home. Given all the money they have taken from me, it’s about all I can now afford.

Sometime later, I’m released and informed that I'll be taking part in "group processing" with seven other students. They all look as nervous as I feel as a supervisor in leather bondage gear and a whip gives us commands which we are to follow.

He cracks the whip and repeats: "Feel the pain. Thank you. You are a worm. Thank you. Feel the pain. Thank you. You are a worm. Thank you."

For a bizarre hour these are the only words I hear. It actually becomes kind of a catchy little tune that I can’t get out of my sleep-deprived head. The man then flogs us all while repeating: "You have arrived."

We lie bleeding and moaning for five minutes. Then it begins again - 30 more minutes of nothing except the man repeating: "Feel the pain. You are a worm. Thank you."

An eerie silence fills the room. Gorgon 29 produces a handgun and says she is about to “fail certain students” I listen in horror as the shots ring through the room. Will I survive?

TOMORROW: WELL, IF IT’S TOMORROW THEN OBVIOUSLY I SURVIVED – FOR NOW...

MORE WILL BE SHOT – CHIEF SAYS

Britain’s most senior police officer apologized for the accidental killing of a young Brazilian man mistaken for a suicide bomber but stated that it is likely many more accidental shootings will occur.

“These bloody terrorists have ruined it for everybody who doesn’t want to get shot,” Commissioner Ian Blair said, “we’re doing what we can to ensure that other innocent people don’t get shot, but as long as my men are carrying guns, well, innocent people will continue to get shot.”

Mr. Blair then produced a firearm and shot several innocent reporters by way of example.

           This Week’s Featured Album:
         Geraldine and Ricky

Trees Talk Too!

Liner Notes.

All Material by Geraldine and Ricky
* Unless Noted

Recorded Live at The Belleview Hospital for the Insane

Side One:

1. Good Wood
2. My Hand’s Up Your Ass (And My Fingers Are Covered In Splinters)
3. Everyone Says I’m Crazy (To Love You)
4. Let Me Do The Talking
5. Shut Up Dummy
6. Trees Talk Too! (Crazy Bedlam Dance Mix)
7. Geraldine (If You Love Me, You Will Kill People!)

Side Two:

1. My Split Personality
2. Ventriloquism – Art Form of the Future
3. Once Again, The Children Are Crying
4. Notes on Ricky’s Schizophrenia, Extreme Paranoid Tendencies, Repetition Compulsion, and His Many Other Mental Disorders *(written by Dr. Seymour Rabinovitz)
5. The Bitch Wears White *(written by Ricky)
6. Do The Lobotomy *(written by Dr. Seymour Rabinovitz)
7. No More Voices (In My Head) *(written by Ricky and Frank Sinatra)

In my many years as a clinical psychoanalyst, I had come across thousands of bizarre and disturbing cases, yet none of them was ever so troubling and freakishly weird as the split-personality case of Geraldine and Ricky. (Or Ricky and Geraldine, depending on whom you talked to.)

Ricky and Geraldine were brought to my office by their traumatized and severely alcoholic parents. They claimed that Geraldine and Ricky’s relationship, while initially cute and funny, was now bordering on the “weird and scary.” It was also implied that the two had begun to “hurt people.” While drinking from a flask, their mother blurted out that they shared a bed and were involved in “unnatural activities” together. I promised to do what I could.

Right off the bat it became apparent that Ricky was the dominant aggressor in the relationship. He insulted me, broke my office lamp and swore like a turret’s victim. Geraldine, for her part, tended to smile vacantly and look glassy eyed. The fact that Ricky constantly referred to her as a “dumb bitch” and a “controlling whore” demonstrated just how conflicted he was about Geraldine, and her role in his life. The fact that his hateful words seemed to have no impact on Geraldine whatsoever allowed me to conclude that she was the “enabler” in this relationship, and, I suspected, probably also very passive aggressive.

The first thing I did was have them committed. I then began to creatively mix and prescribe mind-bending drugs that would cure them. Large doses of powerful hallucinogenics would be required! Ricky really seemed to take to them and talked endlessly about all the “cool colors, man!” whereas Geraldine became listless and started sprouting mustache hairs. I would need to rethink my methodology.

My next brainstorm was to put them in straightjackets and separate them. Again, the results were not what I had hoped for. Ricky became silent and lay in the corner, inert, refusing to eat, move, breath or talk, while Geraldine began forming an extremely unhealthy relationship with a wooden chair.

One late night, while sitting in my office drinking and masturbating in moderation, I finally arrived at what would ultimately be the perfect therapy to help these two troubled souls slay their mental demons and find peace of mind: Lobotomies all round!

Later, my secretary suggested that instead of carving out small pieces of their frontal lobes, maybe I should encourage them to record an album. She noted that I could then analyze the resulting creation and search for psychological clues in the words that might serve as the root source and foundations of their mental disorder. Since I couldn’t find my lobotomy scalpel, I decided to go this route. Perhaps it might prove to be therapeutic.

The result was Geraldine and Ricky’s “Trees Talk Too!” a combination of traditional gypsy music, talk-therapy and ventriloquism comedy with some clinical observations by me.

I obtained some intriguing insights into the brains of both of them through the material. It was obvious that Ricky was the creative visionary whereas Geraldine was simply the straight woman and Ricky’s goonish plastic-haired sidekick. Of course I had to keep a lid on some of Ricky’s “artistic concepts.” His idea to have Geraldine strip would have excited the other patients far too much, and there was no way in hell the two of them were going to perform a “live sex show.”

As the creative power struggle became more enhanced between the two, so did their hopes of recovery. Geraldine often talked of a sock puppet from her childhood that she wouldn’t mind revisiting and Ricky began working on a solo stand-up comedy act about insanity, wood products and his immense dislike of carpenters and termites.

By the time the album was recorded (live, at our very own Belleview Hospital for the Insane) a rift between the two had formed that would never be mended.

Shortly after the album was recorded, Ricky met me for a private consultation and admitted that the time had come to give up the “unhealthy act of ventriloquism” and “get on with life.” He told me had discarded his puppet, Geraldine, and as far as he was concerned I could toss her into the incinerator.

I asked him if he didn’t want to have the Geraldine dummy as a keepsake (this was a test!), but he told me it would just be an unpleasant memory of his troubled mental times. He was free of the dummy and happier for it... I had solved the case!

I congratulated Ricky on his incredible breakthrough and then when he wasn’t looking, I gave him a lobotomy (I can’t help myself!) and sent him on his way.

I’m proud to say that Ricky is now a functioning member of society and a small-time criminal and a petty thug at worst.

Geraldine, of course, was nothing more than a stuffed puppet made of wood shavings, foam, glue, plastic, and cheap pinewood. However she sits on an honored place on my office bookshelf. Sometimes when I look into her glassy eyes I swear she almost looks human...

Dr. Seymour Rabinovitz

Belleview Hospital for the Insane (1972)

Aries: Is it half full or half empty? One thing’s for certain – if it’s filled with booze, you’ll drink it.
Taurus: You will read this horoscope.
Gemini: Others can follow the rules slavishly if they want but you follow them like an automaton.
Cancer: You discover that paranoia is all about you.
Leo: This is not the best of days to gamble. But as you’re a chronic gambler, you will anyway.
Virgo: Mercury, your ruler and Saturn God of Frat Pranks, will take Pluto, the cute Disney dog for a walk.
Libra: You will continue to view dwarves as small creatures from legends and fairy tales.
Scorpio: If you want the job done right you must do it yourself. If you’re looking for a half-assed approach email this guy: mug@averyant.com
Sagittarius: Misunderstandings will result in a British stage farce shenanigans with most everyone in their underwear.
Capricorn: You have lots of nervous energy. Stop mixing coffee and cocaine.
Aquarius: You have the fortitude of a he-man and the underwear of a cross-dresser.
Pisces: You can choose to follow the herd or you can choose to lead the heard, either way it goes you’ll wind up with a bad case of ticks and lice.

GUS is behind a desk in his posh downtown office. His daughter NANCY paces in front of his desk.

NANCY: Dad, when I agreed to come to work for you it was with the understanding that I'd be taken seriously -- that you give serious consideration to my suggestions.

NANCY: Look, Dad, I've been working on this for three months, so don't just write it off, okay? It's all there in black and white: the filtration system needs a complete overhaul.

NANCY: It would be money well spent dad. Besides, I don't think we have a choice. So, what do you say?

NANCY: A Fool? Look, dad, don't you think that given the cash flow problems we have that hiring yourself some comic sidekick is just a little self indulgent?

GUS: Nancy, this company is like my Fiefdom, and I am its ruler, or Fief, if you will. And as such, I think I'm entitled to a few pleasures. Besides, if Ed Gorman at vacu-waste can afford a corporate fool, I can too.

DAVID FLAK, the corporate fool enters. He is dressed in medieval fool costume and leaps about manically.

FOOL: Greeting my lord, alack, alas. Shall I sing or prithee dance? Or speak a very naughty rhyme. Tell me and I'll waste no time.

FOOL: S'blood. Who is this lass who stands by you -- the lead from The Taming of the Shrew?

GUS: Ha ha...cut it out Fool, that's my daughter you're talking about and this is no time for jokes -- though he really nailed you there, huh Nancy? Fool, I need your advice.

FOOL: Beware! He who turns to fools for thought, should not be teaching but instead be taught. Still, if it pleases you to ask, I shall throw myself upon the task.

NANCY: You can't seriously be thinking of asking him, dad. What does he know about this company? What does he know about anything?

FOOL: It's true I do indeed know naught, but that is often quite a lot. Do not my education shun, for I took Shakespeare 101.

GUS: Fool...see these blueprints? I have some toxins held up here...now our filtration plant is, well, some bleeding heart pansies who like to make a big deal of toxic waste say it's not quite up to scratch.

NANCY: You don't need to dump it, dad...you need to clean up the mess you've got.

FOOL: What? Oh sorry. Right. Why spend money to fix the drains, when you can poison people's brains? If you are blind unto your crimes, who can stop you pumping slime? Why think of those that you will hurt? You've always treated them like dirt.

GUS: I agree, smart thinking Fool. Nancy, tell the contractors to tap into the sewer.

FOOL: (To Nancy) Your words are wasted on his ears, for he is advanced in his years... His mind is addled, his vision fails; he weighs out justice on broken scales.

NANCY: You're not giving me a lot of choice here, dad. Maybe you should get some rest, let me take over for a while, until you're back to your old self again.

GUS: I told you to never call me that at the office...get out...ungrateful wench. Sewage put you through University...good riddance to bad rubbish.

GUS (CONT'D): Damn it all! No one understands what it's like to be in charge of it all. You understand me though, don't you, my pretty fool? Tell me a rhyme.

FOOL: Fine... It's platitudes that thou adores, and empty ones I have in store. The bravery that you showed today, will help to drive them all away. And a noble king you shall always be, with just one friend, and you're paying me. So regal yourself and have a laugh, and I shall write your epitaph. And in it I shall duly say...You lived your life without guilt or fear, but if only you had read King Lear. You might have lived to see the day, when you did not play out the play.

The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com (really!)

virgo bong
how to have fun in one minute
pope ass
hurting burning nasty
going rotter in bed
rabid goat email
elmo gone bad
which dr. you visit for a hemorrhoid
happy clown no such thing
spanking and accountability


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