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EXCLUSIVE: GETTING INSIDE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY

Part II of Avery Ant’s story of going undercover inside the spaced out world of The Church of Scientology.

“Part The 1” can be read at:
AverysJournaljuly23.htm

SCIENTOLOGIST “Honeysuckle” a dead eyed, vacantly smiling waif wearing an ET t-shirt, presses a book by the movement's pernicious founder, L Ron Hubbard, into my hand and says: "This book can change your life. Either by reading it or by having some of our members beat you with it. Either way, you’re in for a real treat!"

It is less than five minutes since I walked into the Church of Scientology's headquarters in Los Angeles and someone’s already stolen my wallet.

Honeysuckle straps some electrodes to my head and tells me how I will achieve more in life “real soon” because my mind is about to be cleared of anything negative. I ask where “Tommy Boy” is, and for the first time her plastered-on smile vanishes. She then throws the switch on the generator and laughs as my body sizzles and I soil myself.

Later she invites me to take a stress test and gives me two metal handles to hold. She then begins to scream at me non-stop.

At intervals, a needle fluctuates wildly as my stress levels shoot up and Honeysuckle demands to know what was on my mind. Each time I tell her that I want to go home, she replies with, “No you don’t.”

Preparing to cram a probe up my netherworlds, she then tells me many people contacted the church after Tom began his “testifying.”

“One day soon he will impregnate us all with his golden seed,” she says. “Of course, it will be through artificial insemination as the great Tom is too pure to touch our pestilent and mortal skin.”

“Plus I hear he’s also a fag,“ I joke.

She then sticks Hubbard's book on "dianetics" in my mouth because she doesn’t have a piece of rubber for me to bite on, jams up the probe “tom style” and announces she is about to change my life.

Later, when I come to, I tell Honeysuckle, yes, I'm interested in learning more, and would she please put down the carving knife? She swiftly hands me another book. It highlights the shortcomings of man and the destruction of the natural world, praising Hubbard. She warns me that as a volunteer I will have to pay to become qualified. When I explain that my wallet has already been taken from me, she asks for my bank account information.

I tell her I've heard mixed reports about Scientology, but she dismisses my fears by injecting me with a serum and saying: "People always have reservations about something they don't understand. I used to be the same way about tofu."

I'm then dragged down a hall by a figure in a hood and given a personality test with 200 questions. Some seem geared towards finding a weak spot in my character:

You will agree to "strict discipline" okay?

Would the idea of making a complete new start cause you much concern? If so, does your family know where you are right now?

Do you like sleep deprivation and forced brainwashing? If you say yes, you might meet Tom Cruise!

May we give you a new name? Say yes, and we’ll feed you!

Do you like hanging out at airports passing out literature? Say yes and we’ll let you sleep!

You often feel depressed, don’t you? Come on, admit it!!!!

Do you often ponder over your own inferiority? You should.

You’re depressed, why? Better yet, just check off “yes” for “Are you depressed?”

Once it’s over and I’ve gone through the purification ritual, I find a corner to weep in. Honeysuckle sprays me down with a hose and says she is looking forward to seeing what the results tell her about myself. She then laughs menacingly and tosses me a stale biscuit.

TOMORROW: MORE FUN AND NEW METHODS OF TORTURE THAT MAKE ABU GHRAIB SEEM LIKE AN AMUSEMENT PARK

Aries: Your easygoing good nature makes you a steppingstone for all those who are happy to take advantage of it.
Taurus: Others may be shocked by your lack of self-control but that group of teenagers thinks that your drunken puke-fest is totally hilarious.
Gemini: You have struggled long and hard to make sense of a confusing situation and you will continue to so until you die.
Cancer: Do not listen to the harangue of gloom-mongers but instead to optimistic words of your new pals the moonies.
Leo: You have the fashion sense of a nude model.
Virgo: You will continue to view myopia as a visual defect in which distant objects appear blurred because their images are focused in front of the retina rather than on it... And you will continue to view it this way until you can no longer see it.
Libra: See above – if you can!
Scorpio: Our planet is like a fast spinning merry-go-round. You sit on a garishly painted horse, listen to canned music, see the same things over and over again and ultimately don’t enjoy the crappy ride.
Sagittarius: Stretch that extra teeny little bit and you’ll throw out your back.
Capricorn: You may be reluctant to admit you got something wrong – so don’t.
Aquarius: A sun-Saturn conjunction proves to have no significance in your life... What did you expect?
Pisces: The sky is bestowing you with a kind of X-Ray vision. This is the perfect opportunity to get that costume in your closet out and to fulfill your dream and become an X-Ray superhero. And don’t worry, they’ll all be laughing with you not at you... Yeah, with you...

GUS is behind a desk in his posh downtown office. His daughter NANCY paces in front of his desk.

NANCY: Dad, when I agreed to come to work for you it was with the understanding that I'd be taken seriously -- that you give serious consideration to my suggestions.

NANCY: Look, Dad, I've been working on this for three months, so don't just write it off, okay? It's all there in black and white: the filtration system needs a complete overhaul.

NANCY: It would be money well spent dad. Besides, I don't think we have a choice. So, what do you say?

NANCY: A Fool? Look, dad, don't you think that given the cash flow problems we have that hiring yourself some comic sidekick is just a little self indulgent?

GUS: Nancy, this company is like my Fiefdom, and I am its ruler, or Fief, if you will. And as such, I think I'm entitled to a few pleasures. Besides, if Ed Gorman at vacu-waste can afford a corporate fool, I can too.

DAVID FLAK, the corporate fool enters. He is dressed in medieval fool costume and leaps about manically.

FOOL: Greeting my lord, alack, alas. Shall I sing or prithee dance? Or speak a very naughty rhyme. Tell me and I'll waste no time.

FOOL: S'blood. Who is this lass who stands by you -- the lead from The Taming of the Shrew?

GUS: Ha ha...cut it out Fool, that's my daughter you're talking about and this is no time for jokes -- though he really nailed you there, huh Nancy? Fool, I need your advice.

FOOL: Beware! He who turns to fools for thought, should not be teaching but instead be taught. Still, if it pleases you to ask, I shall throw myself upon the task.

NANCY: You can't seriously be thinking of asking him, dad. What does he know about this company? What does he know about anything?

FOOL: It's true I do indeed know naught, but that is often quite a lot. Do not my education shun, for I took Shakespeare 101.

GUS: Fool...see these blueprints? I have some toxins held up here...now our filtration plant is, well, some bleeding heart pansies who like to make a big deal of toxic waste say it's not quite up to scratch.

NANCY: You don't need to dump it, dad...you need to clean up the mess you've got.

FOOL: What? Oh sorry. Right. Why spend money to fix the drains, when you can poison people's brains? If you are blind unto your crimes, who can stop you pumping slime? Why think of those that you will hurt? You've always treated them like dirt.

GUS: I agree, smart thinking Fool. Nancy, tell the contractors to tap into the sewer.

FOOL: (To Nancy) Your words are wasted on his ears, for he is advanced in his years... His mind is addled, his vision fails; he weighs out justice on broken scales.

NANCY: You're not giving me a lot of choice here, dad. Maybe you should get some rest, let me take over for a while, until you're back to your old self again.

GUS: I told you to never call me that at the office...get out...ungrateful wench. Sewage put you through University...good riddance to bad rubbish.

GUS (CONT'D): Damn it all! No one understands what it's like to be in charge of it all. You understand me though, don't you, my pretty fool? Tell me a rhyme.

FOOL: Fine... It's platitudes that thou adores, and empty ones I have in store. The bravery that you showed today, will help to drive them all away. And a noble king you shall always be, with just one friend, and you're paying me. So regal yourself and have a laugh, and I shall write your epitaph. And in it I shall duly say...You lived your life without guilt or fear, but if only you had read King Lear. You might have lived to see the day, when you did not play out the play.

This Week’s Featured Album:

Hank Penny: King Of Hillbilly Bebop

Liner Notes.

All songs by Duke Bodine, Goober Doogie, Cooter Hicks, Dauber Gob, Billy Bob Clampett and Hank Penny.

1. Get my jug, shotgun an’ sum plug tabakie (There’s a pretty boy in town!)
2. Gopher Stew
3. Abducting me a Mountain Bride
4. Kissing my Sister (Some say it’s wrong but it feels so right)
5. Baby’s out drinking so the goat will have to do
6. If it’s the first day of spring then it’s time for my bath
7. No shoes, no teeth, nobody loves me

1. Them’s Feuding Words
2. My Old Kentucky Outsider Art
3. Crow Pie Jig
4. XXX – You, Me, & the Moonshine
5. A Good Ol’ Boy Redneck Ain’t Hard To Find
6. Well Cats My Fish and Call Me John Barleycorn
7. Big Breasted Daisy Mae and Her Corn Cob Pipe

Now I reckon it’s safe to say I ain’t ever got done no proper schooling or learnt me alls I coulds about reedin’ and writin.’ To me, being a barefoot, inbred hillbilly is all I’s ever knowed. But as a poor and common, God-loving and God-fearing man, well, that sure as squirrel pie ain’t gonna stop me an the boys from playing our songs. So why’s donts I tell ya all a lil’ bit about each one?

The opening ditty, Get my jug, shotgun an’ sum plug tabakie (There’s a pretty boy in town!) is all about how me and the boys like to capture city fellers who, for one reason or t’other come up to the hills. Usually after we’s through done doing stuff to them we let’s ‘em go... Usually.

Gopher Stew, an’ Abducting Me A Mountain Bride is pretty much reflecting hows we likes to eats and love. Though one time ol’ Cooter went an abducted a gopher bride... Haw, dang, that was downright histerical!

Kissing my Sister (Some say it’s wrong but it feels so right) This one’s a love song that almost got me throwed in jail.

Baby’s out drinking so the goat will have to do This one’s a love song that almost got me killded by my sister.

If it’s the first day of spring then it's time for my bath and No shoes, no teeth, nobody loves me was songs that we all wrote when we was out huntin. We like huntin and whoah granny does we get some good idears fer songs when we goes a huntin... Some day, I’m gonna write me a song about huntin. I’ll call it “huntin.”

Some folks might say that Them’s Feuding Words, My Old Kentucky Outsider Art, Crow Pie Jig, XXX – You, Me, & the Moonshine and A Good Ol’ Boy Redneck Ain’t Hard To Find alls kinds of sounds alike. And by gum, they’d be rite. Each song gots the same two chords, but them words on each one is different.

Well Cats My Fish and Call Me John Barleycorn was done ritten after ol’ Dauber said, “Well Cats My Fish” and Duke then said, “And Call Me John Barleycorn.” That’s how we do that there creative processing up here in the mountains.

Big Breasted Daisy Mae and Her Corn Cob Pipe is a song about why it’s good to be a hillbilly!

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