Avery's Journal

July 23

95% 0f Public Views Bush
As Some Form of “Butt Plug”

Americans have growing doubts about whether President Bush’s strategy of not having an exit strategy for the war was actually that smart a strategy, according to a recent poll. They also all believe he is some form of a butt plug.

Half of those in the poll taken by the Pew Research Center, 49 percent, said they believe the president is “a bit of a butt plug,” while almost as many, 46 percent said he is “a total butt plug.” All agreed he is anything but honest.

“If the economy were doing better, if the Iraq war wasn’t as tenuous, if the government weren’t corrupt, if George wasn’t such an arrogant and unbending butt plug, if he had actually accomplished something, if his kids weren’t so repulsive, if all of his acts weren’t so risible, then people might be willing to cut Bush some slack,” said Robert Shapiro, who specializes in public opinion, “but a butt plug is a butt plug, am I right?”

      Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
           Today: Elevated
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EXCLUSIVE: GETTING INSIDE CHUCRH OF SCIENTOLOGY

Going undercover inside the nutty, kooky, jiggy, wiggy, creepy, eerie, freakishly oddball, off-beat, off-the-wall, spaced-out-world of Tom Cruise's church.

Exclusive By Avery Ant

It's the cult of money or “belief system” which canned ham and one-note actor Tommy Cruiser says has changed his life and made him a silver-headed immortal God.

But the controversial joke that is Scientology was criticized last week after claims that its evil zombie drones were preying on people caught up in the London bombings. Nice!

Packs of dead-eyed, yellow-shirted, jack-booted, believers with vacant smiles arrived at the scenes of carnage, offering "spiritual healing" to distraught victims as well as pricey booklets titled How To Improve Conditions In Life Simply By Being Like Us! And If You Join Us You Might Meet Tom Cruise!

And yesterday 200 "volunteer sinister ministers" were sent out across the capital to talk to people after the latest alerts.

But what exactly is Scientology? A vile, manipulative cult that claims life on Earth was created by aliens 75 million years ago? Well, yes!

To find out more about these nut jobs, I enrolled as one. Getting a partial lobotomy and giving away all my worldly goods garnered me their trust and a cool white robe. What I discovered was, of course, disturbing and pathetic and demonstrates how these risible sleaze balls prey on the insecure and vulnerable to boost its growing ranks of misguided kooks.

Tomorrow: The Indoctrination... And then Cocktails and Brainwashing!

Aries: You will continue to view nerds as people who are accomplished in scientific and technical pursuits but are socially inept. You’re so darn literal!
Taurus: Tonight you are going to party like it’s 1659. We suggest burning a witch!
Gemini: Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start making things happen. Oh, and clean up your room and do the dishes and for god’s sake get a haircut. (Horoscope by mom.)
Cancer: Someone you know or will soon know knows what you need to know. But you should know that just because they know doesn’t mean that they’ll let you know. You know?
Leo: You have the charisma of a millionaire and the paycheque of circus freak.
Virgo: You have been more prone than usual to fear, anxiety, grief, depression, fatigue, guilt, loneliness, insecurity, and dental, liver and kidney troubles. You need booze in the worst of ways, my friend.
Libra: We are entitled to something in life. You deserve new odor eaters.
Scorpio: Shit happens today.
Sagittarius: Asking your proctologist to trim his fingernails only makes matters worse.
Capricorn: You won’t lack for moneymaking opportunities but for moneymaking opportunities that pan out.
Aquarius: See above.
Pisces: The sun’s transit of the midheaven angle of your chart today will mean absolutely nothing because horoscopes are not to be taken seriously.

GUS is behind a desk in his posh downtown office. His daughter NANCY paces in front of his desk.

NANCY: Dad, when I agreed to come to work for you it was with the understanding that I'd be taken seriously -- that you give serious consideration to my suggestions.

NANCY: Look, Dad, I've been working on this for three months, so don't just write it off, okay? It's all there in black and white: the filtration system needs a complete overhaul.

NANCY: It would be money well spent dad. Besides, I don't think we have a choice. So, what do you say?

NANCY: A Fool? Look, dad, don't you think that given the cash flow problems we have that hiring yourself some comic sidekick is just a little self indulgent?

GUS: Nancy, this company is like my Fiefdom, and I am its ruler, or Fief, if you will. And as such, I think I'm entitled to a few pleasures. Besides, if Ed Gorman at vacu-waste can afford a corporate fool, I can too.

DAVID FLAK, the corporate fool enters. He is dressed in medieval fool costume and leaps about manically.

FOOL: Greeting my lord, alack, alas. Shall I sing or prithee dance? Or speak a very naughty rhyme. Tell me and I'll waste no time.

FOOL: S'blood. Who is this lass who stands by you -- the lead from The Taming of the Shrew?

GUS: Ha ha...cut it out Fool, that's my daughter you're talking about and this is no time for jokes -- though he really nailed you there, huh Nancy? Fool, I need your advice.

FOOL: Beware! He who turns to fools for thought, should not be teaching but instead be taught. Still, if it pleases you to ask, I shall throw myself upon the task.

NANCY: You can't seriously be thinking of asking him, dad. What does he know about this company? What does he know about anything?

FOOL: It's true I do indeed know naught, but that is often quite a lot. Do not my education shun, for I took Shakespeare 101.

GUS: Fool...see these blueprints? I have some toxins held up here...now our filtration plant is, well, some bleeding heart pansies who like to make a big deal of toxic waste say it's not quite up to scratch.

NANCY: You don't need to dump it, dad...you need to clean up the mess you've got.

FOOL: What? Oh sorry. Right. Why spend money to fix the drains, when you can poison people's brains? If you are blind unto your crimes, who can stop you pumping slime? Why think of those that you will hurt? You've always treated them like dirt.

GUS: I agree, smart thinking Fool. Nancy, tell the contractors to tap into the sewer.

FOOL: (To Nancy) Your words are wasted on his ears, for he is advanced in his years... His mind is addled, his vision fails; he weighs out justice on broken scales.

NANCY: You're not giving me a lot of choice here, dad. Maybe you should get some rest, let me take over for a while, until you're back to your old self again.

GUS: I told you to never call me that at the office...get out...ungrateful wench. Sewage put you through University...good riddance to bad rubbish.

GUS (CONT'D): Damn it all! No one understands what it's like to be in charge of it all. You understand me though, don't you, my pretty fool? Tell me a rhyme.

FOOL: Fine... It's platitudes that thou adores, and empty ones I have in store. The bravery that you showed today, will help to drive them all away. And a noble king you shall always be, with just one friend, and you're paying me. So regal yourself and have a laugh, and I shall write your epitaph. And in it I shall duly say...You lived your life without guilt or fear, but if only you had read King Lear. You might have lived to see the day, when you did not play out the play.

This Week’s Featured Album:

Hank Penny: King Of Hillbilly Bebop

Liner Notes.

All songs by Duke Bodine, Goober Doogie, Cooter Hicks, Dauber Gob, Billy Bob Clampett and Hank Penny.

1. Get my jug, shotgun an’ sum plug tabakie (There’s a pretty boy in town!)
2. Gopher Stew
3. Abducting me a Mountain Bride
4. Kissing my Sister (Some say it’s wrong but it feels so right)
5. Baby’s out drinking so the goat will have to do
6. If it’s the first day of spring then it’s time for my bath
7. No shoes, no teeth, nobody loves me

1. Them’s Feuding Words
2. My Old Kentucky Outsider Art
3. Crow Pie Jig
4. XXX – You, Me, & the Moonshine
5. A Good Ol’ Boy Redneck Ain’t Hard To Find
6. Well Cats My Fish and Call Me John Barleycorn
7. Big Breasted Daisy Mae and Her Corn Cob Pipe

Now I reckon it’s safe to say I ain’t ever got done no proper schooling or learnt me alls I coulds about reedin’ and writin.’ To me, being a barefoot, inbred hillbilly is all I’s ever knowed. But as a poor and common, God-loving and God-fearing man, well, that sure as squirrel pie ain’t gonna stop me an the boys from playing our songs. So why’s donts I tell ya all a lil’ bit about each one?

The opening ditty, Get my jug, shotgun an’ sum plug tabakie (There’s a pretty boy in town!) is all about how me and the boys like to capture city fellers who, for one reason or t’other come up to the hills. Usually after we’s through done doing stuff to them we let’s ‘em go... Usually.

Gopher Stew, an’ Abducting Me A Mountain Bride is pretty much reflecting hows we likes to eats and love. Though one time ol’ Cooter went an abducted a gopher bride... Haw, dang, that was downright histerical!

Kissing my Sister (Some say it’s wrong but it feels so right) This one’s a love song that almost got me throwed in jail.

Baby’s out drinking so the goat will have to do This one’s a love song that almost got me killded by my sister.

If it’s the first day of spring then it's time for my bath and No shoes, no teeth, nobody loves me was songs that we all wrote when we was out huntin. We like huntin and whoah granny does we get some good idears fer songs when we goes a huntin... Some day, I’m gonna write me a song about huntin. I’ll call it “huntin.”

Some folks might say that Them’s Feuding Words, My Old Kentucky Outsider Art, Crow Pie Jig, XXX – You, Me, & the Moonshine and A Good Ol’ Boy Redneck Ain’t Hard To Find alls kinds of sounds alike. And by gum, they’d be rite. Each song gots the same two chords, but them words on each one is different.

Well Cats My Fish and Call Me John Barleycorn was done ritten after ol’ Dauber said, “Well Cats My Fish” and Duke then said, “And Call Me John Barleycorn.” That’s how we do that there creative processing up here in the mountains.

Big Breasted Daisy Mae and Her Corn Cob Pipe is a song about why it’s good to be a hillbilly!

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