"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
July 20
Your Sunday Tea with Tim Russert
PLEASE CREDIT ANY QUOTES OR
EXCERPTS FROM THIS NBC TELEVISION
PROGRAM TO "NBC NEWS' MEET THE PRESS."
This is a rush transcript
provided for the information and convenience of the press. Accuracy is snot
guaranteed. In case of doubt, please check with MEET THE PRESS - NBC NEWS at
(202) 885-4598, Sundays: (202) 885-4200
Sunday, July 17, 2005
GUESTS:
Political Guys (Emphasis on “Guys”)
MODERATOR/PANELIST:
Tim “Balls” Russert, NBC News
MR. TIM RUSSERT: Our
issues this Sunday: More political stuff: Specifically that Rove guy and
the whole Valerie Plame kafuffle. Joining us... Well, when I say “us” I
mean “me” is Matt Cooper of Time magazine. Hey, man.
MR. MATT COOPER:
Morning, Tim.
MR. RUSSERT: How’s it
hanging, dude?
MR. COOPER: I beg your
pardon?
MR. RUSSERT: Enough
small talk! This is the cover of Time magazine: "Rove on the
Spot," subtitled, "What I Told the Grand Jury," by Matthew
Cooper. And on page 78 here is a Chanel No. 5 advertisement from the
magazine. Do you think this chick is hot?
MR. COOPER: What???
MR. RUSSERT: Let’s move
on. For the record, the first time you learned that Joe Wilson's wife worked
for the CIA was from Karl Rove?
MR. COOPER: That's
corr...
MR. RUSSERT: Ect?
MR. COOPER: Um, yes...
MR. RUSSERT: I knew
it! And when Karl concluded his conversation with you, you write he said,
"I've already said too much." What did that mean?
MR. COOPER: Well, I'm
not sure what it meant, Tim. At first, you know, I thought maybe he
meant, "I've been indiscreet." But then, as I thought about
it, I thought it might be just more benign, like "I've said too much;
I've got to get to a meeting." I don't know exactly what he meant.
MR. RUSSERT: Jesus,
how much do they pay you at Time Magazine, anyway?
MR. COOPER: I make 200
dollars an article plus all the Smarties I can eat.
MR. RUSSERT: They’re
getting ripped off. Okay, when you were told that Joe Wilson's wife worked for
the CIA, did you have any sense then that this is important or "I better
be careful about identifying someone who works for the CIA?"
MR. COOPER: Well, I
guess I thought it was important. I mean I told my wife and kids about
it and I usually tell them anything that I think is important.
MR. RUSSERT:
Interesting. What else have you told your wife and kids?
MR. COOPER: Well,
about my vasectomy. Of course I didn’t tell them until I had it done. Ha,
ha, ha.
MR. RUSSERT:
Hilarious. You also write in Time magazine this week, "This was actually
my second testimony for the special prosecutor. In August 2004, I gave
limited testimony about my conversation with [Vice President Dick Cheney's
chief of staff] Scooter Libby.” Do you think that “Scooter” is a
stupid name for a chief of staff?
MR. COOPER: I think
everyone does.
MR. RUSSERT: Did Mr.
Libby say at any time that Joe Wilson's wife worked for the CIA?
MR. COOPER: No, he
didn't say that.
MR. RUSSERT: Really?
MR COOPER: Honest.
MR. RUSSERT: Come on...
MR. COOPER: Okay, he
did.
MR. RUSSERT: And that
she worked for the CIA?
MR. COOPER: That too.
MR. RUSSERT: What
else? Share the dirt.
MR. COOPER: Aw come
on Tim, lay off. I don't want to get into it.
MR. RUSSERT: Okay...
Now about your vasectomy...
MR. COOPER: Fine,
we’ll talk about the Rove stuff.
MR. RUSSERT: Damn
right. Now, the big discussion, Matt Cooper, has been about your willingness
to testify...
MR. COOPER: Sure.
MR. RUSSERT: Don’t
interrupt! ...before the grand jury. And let's go through that.
This was Wednesday, July 6, Matt Cooper talking to the assembled press corps.
(Videotape, July 6, 2005):
MR. COOPER: This
morning, in what can only be described as a stunning set of developments, that
source agreed to give me a specific, personal and unambiguous waiver to speak
before the grand jury. In return I would share information of vasectomy
procedures.
(End videotape)
MR. RUSSERT: Now,
Karl Rove's attorney has spoken to The Washington Post and has said that
“[Matt] Cooper's last-minute theatrics is not nearly as good as Spamalot,
which I think is a great show.”
MR. COOPER: Well, can
I back up a little bit, Tim? Spamalot is overrated. For my money, Monty
Python’s Holy Grail is what people should see. Also, have you seen the
prices of tickets? They’re outrageous. Broadway is going downhill as far as
I’m concerned.
MR. RUSSERT: Good
point. However Rove's imp and attorney, is suggesting that you don’t have
the pizzazz of Spamalot. And anyway, Monty Python’s The Holy Grail has
nothing to do with this. AND it’s also a movie.
MR. COOPER: Oh...
yeah.
MR. RUSSERT: Yeah, “oh
yeah” indeed. Now in your piece, you said "some government
officials," and you said it may be more than just Rove and Libby.
Did you get waivers from those additional sources when you testified before
the grand jury?
MR. COOPER: I don't
want to get into anything else, but I don't — okay, let’s talk about my
vasectomy, alright?
MR. RUSSERT: Norman
Pearlstine, editor in chief...
MR. COOPER: Sure.
MR. RUSSERT: I SAID
DON’T INTERRUPT!!!!...of Time magazine, authorized the release of your
e-mails and notes to the prosecutor. Pearlstine said this: "I
found myself really coming to the conclusion that once the Supreme Court has
spoken in a case involving national security and a grand jury, we are not
above the law and we have to behave the way ordinary citizens do."
Do you agree?
MR. COOPER: Not at
all. I am above the law and so is every journalist. If politicians, actors and
athletes can be, then so can us writers.
MR. RUSSERT: What
about circus clowns?
MR. COOPER: Sure,
them too.
MR. RUSSERT: You are
going to testify this week before Congress for a shield law. Explain
that.
MR. COOPER: I’d
rather not. It’s complicated and most of your viewers wouldn’t understand.
MR. RUSSERT: Good
point. What's your biggest regret in this whole matter?
MR. COOPER: That I
only got paid 200 dollars for the article. That, and doing your show.
MR. RUSSERT: Will
this affect your career as a journalist?
MR. COOPER: Doing
your show? Oh yeah.
MR. RUSSERT: What’s
your favorite color?
MR. COOPER: No
comment.
MR. RUSSERT: Football
or hockey?
MR. COOPER: No
comment.
MR. RUSSERT: Matt
Cooper, thank you very much for joining us and spouting about nothing.
MR. COOPER: Go to
hell, Tim.
MR.
RUSSERT: I’ll see you there, ass-wipe... Coming next, more political
stuff. But first... (holds up can of dog food) Is your puppy a fussy
eater? Then maybe it’s time you served your dog “Dirk’s Dog Food.”
It’s full of vitamins and has a pleasing after taste that puppy will love (Russert
eats from the can) Yummy! “Dirk’s Dog Food.” Buy it today, your
doggy will say thank you.
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Today: High
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Controlling Cruise Tells Holmes What Parts She Can
And Cannot Take
Tom
Cruise has forbidden his latest convert and drone fiancee Katie Holmes from
starring as drug addict Edie Sedgwick, in a new film because he “has the
power to do so.”
Speaking to his shadow, Cruise is on record as saying, “I will tell the
thing I call my bride-to-be what she can and cannot do. And, willing drone that
she is, she will obey my every command – or else! This Edie Sedgwick role
may be a juicy part and it may even get her an Academy Award nomination... So
all the more reason to stop it. I shall no longer be bonded with emaciated females who
have Oscars.”
Cruise’s objections
also stem from the fact that Sedgwick was
in and out of mental institutions and on all sorts of psychotropic drugs. And
as we all know, permanently stoned-on-life Tom doesn't believe in those drugs
because of his firm beliefs in aliens and Scientology.
Cruise apparently said that once the aliens arrive all actors with Oscars
“shall be left behind to burn.”
Your
Horoscope:
Aries:
You’ve got the cooties. And not those silly ones from childhood, this is the
real deal: You’re plagued with body lice.
Taurus: No
amount of prescience can help you eschew obfuscation.
Gemini: See above.
Cancer: You have the smarts of a chimp and the stink of a
baboon.
Leo: The impending full moon will be only slightly bigger than that
cold sore on your lip.
Virgo: The sky sometimes finds it necessary to force you do things you
rather wouldn’t – that’s right, the, um, sky...
Libra: Your degree in cynicism can’t get you gainful employment. It
figures!
Scorpio: If you want something better from life you’ll have to go out
and steal it. Really, it’s your only option.
Sagittarius: Set your sights high today and watch them gradually lower
until they are by your feet.
Capricorn: You will continue to view the French as the people of France.
Aquarius: Like the cowardly lion from The Wizard of Oz you have an
annoying voice and are overweight.
Pisces: If someone in a position of power gives you a hard time today then
kick them in the balls.
This Week’s Featured Album:
Hank Penny: King Of Hillbilly Bebop
Liner Notes.
All songs by Duke Bodine, Goober Doogie, Cooter Hicks, Dauber Gob, Billy Bob
Clampett and Hank Penny.
Side One:
1. Get my jug, shotgun an’ sum plug
tabakie (There’s a pretty boy in town!)
2. Gopher Stew
3. Abducting me a Mountain Bride
4. Kissing my Sister (Some say it’s wrong but it feels so right)
5. Baby’s out drinking so the goat will have to do
6. If it’s the first day of spring then it’s time for my bath
7. No shoes, no teeth, nobody loves me
Side Two:
1. Them’s Feuding Words
2. My Old Kentucky Outsider Art
3. Crow Pie Jig
4. XXX – You, Me, & the Moonshine
5. A Good Ol’ Boy Redneck Ain’t Hard To Find
6. Well Cats My Fish and Call Me John Barleycorn
7. Big Breasted Daisy Mae and Her Corn Cob Pipe
Now I reckon it’s safe to
say I ain’t ever got done no proper schooling or learnt me alls I coulds
about reedin’ and writin.’ To
me, being a barefoot, inbred hillbilly is all I’s ever knowed. But as a poor
and common, God-loving and God-fearing man, well, that sure as squirrel pie
ain’t gonna stop me an the boys from playing our songs. So why’s donts I
tell ya all a lil’ bit about each one?
The opening ditty,
Get my jug, shotgun an’ sum plug tabakie (There’s a pretty boy in town!)
is all about how me and the boys like to capture city fellers who, for one
reason or t’other come up to the hills. Usually after we’s through done
doing stuff to them we let’s ‘em go... Usually.
Gopher Stew,
an’ Abducting Me A Mountain Bride is pretty much reflecting
hows we likes to eats and love. Though one time ol’ Cooter went an abducted
a gopher bride... Haw, dang, that was downright histerical!
Kissing my Sister (Some say
it’s wrong but it feels so right)
This one’s a love song that almost got me throwed in jail.
Baby’s out drinking so
the goat will have to do This one’s a
love song that almost got me killded by my sister.
If it’s the first day of spring then it's time for my bath and No shoes, no
teeth, nobody loves me was songs that we all wrote when we was
out huntin. We like huntin and whoah granny does we get some good idears fer
songs when we goes a huntin... Some day, I’m gonna write me a song about
huntin. I’ll call it “huntin.”
Some folks might say that Them’s
Feuding Words, My Old Kentucky Outsider Art, Crow Pie Jig, XXX – You, Me,
& the Moonshine and A Good Ol’
Boy Redneck Ain’t Hard To Find alls kinds of sounds alike. And
by gum, they’d be rite. Each song gots the same two chords, but them words
on each one is different.
Well
Cats My Fish and Call Me John Barleycorn was done ritten after ol’ Dauber said, “Well
Cats My Fish” and Duke then said, “And Call Me John Barleycorn.” That’s how we do that there creative processing up here in
the mountains.
Big
Breasted Daisy Mae and Her Corn Cob Pipe is a song about why it’s good to be a hillbilly!
Hank
Penny (1954)
Cover
photo: Big Breasted Daisy Mae © 1954 Yodeling Records
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
avery porn
ant sex
bernstein bears
tom cruise insane
karl rove horoscope
camilla coat of arms
gay rabbit
james avery's height
dick cheney erection
mickey rooney is an asshole
Beat The Clock
You Stoner
INT: HOUSE. NIGHT.
A party. DANNY and JAMES, both stoned out
of their teenage minds, mumble away to each other.
Danny: This party rules. Man, I am so
wasted.
James: Yeah. Hey, look at my watch. It’s
like ten to twelve, man. Oh man, look at the hands, they look like a stick
man.
Danny: Cool. I never thought about that
before. Yeah, a ten to twelve stick man... Holy shit!
James: What is it, dude?
Danny: My curfew!
Rossini’s “William Tell Overture”
comes up and Sports Announcers CHET and ANN call the action.
Chet: Well it’s ten to twelve and Danny
Wilson has ten minutes to make it home and I just know it’s going to be
close.
Ann: It’s always exciting when Danny’s
this stoned. He’s usually pretty unpredictable but quite determined.
Chet: Danny’s off to an unsteady start.
He’s having problems with his shoelaces. We’ve seen this before, haven’t
we, Ann?
Ann: Yes we have, it’s usually good for a
three-minute delay.
Chet: But wait! In a dramatic turnaround
he’s decided to forgo wearing shoes, what determination!
Ann: I’m always impressed by his style
Chet, but he is having problems with the door.
Chet: Doors are usually a problem for
Danny, particularly that whole “push or pull” issue. But hang on, he’s
found the knob and wow, he’s out of the gate and onto the street – and
look at him go!
EXT. STREET. NIGHT
Ann: Danny prefers to stumble forward,
which really increases his speed. He’s moving down the driveway now and, uh
oh... He’s forgotten where he’s going.
Chet: Always a set back.
Ann: You bet, Chet. But he’s remembered
and is off. He’s lighting up his last smoke and looking for his car keys...
Chet: But we know he won’t find them
because he doesn’t have a car, but... But...
Both: He’s remembered!
Ann: Oh, oh. He’s starting to giggle.
Yes, he’s giggling uncontrollably.
Chet: This looks bad.
Ann: Well, in a brilliant stroke, he’s
fallen down. Danny’s looking at the moon now. He did that a couple of
month’s ago and it cost him big time.
Chet: He’s definitely become fixated...
He’s transfixed. Boy, is he wasted!
Ann: I’ll say. He was handicapped with
three hits of acid before tonight’s race and he really seems to be having
trouble with it.
Chet; But he’s back up again and moving
like a madman!
Ann: Danny’s so inventive, he’s air
guitaring to some song in his head: This usually bolts him to his parent’s
front door.
Chet: Hang on... Uh, oh, he’s got that
feeling doesn’t he?
Ann: I’m afraid so... He’s so stoned he
thinks his baby toe has fallen off and is trapped under his foot. He’ll have
to take his socks off now and count his toes.
Chet: He takes a final drag of his smoke
and in a highly unusual strategic move, he takes another.
Ann: Oh no, Danny’s getting that defiant,
“fuck my parents if I’m late,” look about him.
Chet: It’s almost as though he’s giving
up.
Ann: But wait! Through a stroke of luck
he’s remembered that he has a joint hidden in his pillowcase and I think
that’s gonna get him home in time. He’s running, he’s up his driveway,
he’s opening the door...
His DAD is waiting for him.
Dad: Grounded!
Ann: Oh well. There’s
always next year.
(to the top)
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