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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
July 19
The Stupid Things I Did
Today:
My Continual and Protracted Dumbing Down...
Everyday
we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to do them more
and better than others. (And yes,
anyone who would brag about this is obviously really, really, stupid!)
I was
in fairly good “Idiot Form” today…
1. I awake convinced that I am catching a cold as my poor, raw throat is
aching. Bemoaning my fate to my just awaking wife (who, it must be said is
awakened by my moaning), she proceeds to roll her eyes and tell me that the
reason my throat is sore probably has to do with the fact that I slept with a
fan blowing into my face. Okay,
she’s right, but she could have faked a little sympathy.
2. Later: I scratch my face with
ballpoint pen – unaware that the tip is out.
I then proceed to wander about outside for a couple of hours with pen
marks all over my face. (I thought
I heard people laughing!) Have to admit, I am impressed by my level of
stupidity!
3. I am impressed by my level of stupidity (see above).
4. Go out and buy a big bottle of Ginger Ale.
Walk home quickly with bottle. Get
in house. Go to kitchen. Open bottle. Carbonated
Ginger Ale explodes in my face, on my arms and clothes, all over the counter
and eventually onto the floor (after I drop the bottle).
As best as I reckon I paid a $1.99 for the pleasure of mopping my
floor. Can’t say it was worth
it.
5. While barbecuing T-Bone steaks
I leave the cooking tongs in the house. I wonder if maybe I can flip them
using my hands by grabbing onto the bone.
I discover (not surprisingly) that the bone is also very hot. I
now have two new little burns on my thumb and forefinger.
July 18
Dean
Friedman is Great!
Quirky pop
musician extraordinaire, Dean Friedman
has a great new single/animation out that I am currently loving to no end.
It’s called, I
Miss Monica and it’s from his latest CD “Squirrels in the Attic.” Like all his wonderful tunes, this one is catchy, smart,
very, very funny and
it’s getting repeated playing over at my house. What can I say other than this guy is great.
Check him out!
July 17
The Stupid Things I Did
Today:
an
ongoing saga
Everyday
we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to do them more
and better than others. (And yes,
anyone who would brag about this is obviously really, really, stupid!)
Today was a slow
day… Now of course I still managed to do some stupid things, just nothing
particularly outrageously stupid but more in the category of “banal,
everyday, standard stupidity” kind of stuff.
Allow me to elucidate:
1. While I am enjoying the view from underneath my barbecue and replacing its propane
tank, for some baffling reason (which I can only conclude must have something
to do with my innate condition to do stupid things) , I raise my head and give
it a nice good crack on the bottom of the barbecue grill. Ouch!
2. I sit on a bar patio under the broiling sun with no sunscreen on and knock
back several cocktails. Later, I
wonder why I have a pounding headache.
3. After enjoying a long shower I realize there are no towels in the bathroom.
After shouting myself hoarse trying to get my poor wife to hear me (even
though she had informed me she was going out shopping), I wander, soaking wet
and naked to the closet for a towel. From
a nearby window I hear children laughing…
July 15
The Stupid Things I Did Today
– Icy Hot
Everyday
we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to do them more
and better than others. (Yes,
that’s right; anyone who would brag about this is indeed very stupid!)
Today
was, by my standards, a rather slow one. However I did manage to go toe to toe
with a tube of Icy Hot for my sore back. Suffice
to say the Icy Hot proved to be a
formidable foe.
The
stupid things I did today regarding my challenges with the tube of Icy
Hot:
1. I start things off by throwing out my back after trying to lift my couch
(don’t ask), naturally, I don’t use my legs. Down goes the couch –
followed by me crying out, “Ah! My back! Why?”
2. Okay, so it’s a short crawl to the bathroom where I groan in agony while
searching the cabinet for the Icy Hot.
3. I cannot find the Icy Hot. Why?
Because, no doubt, I’ve done something stupid with it like leave it
on a bookshelf. I keep saying to
myself, “I know it’s here, I just bought it a few weeks ago.” But that
doesn't make it appear... Instead of
patiently searching the cabinet, I slam it shut in frustration and for some
reason I begin searching in the storage cabinet below the bathroom sink.
4. I toss out random objects from the storage cabinet onto the floor as I
search and search. Some of these
objects include a bottle of shampoo that explodes and leaves a thick, gooey,
industrial mess on my bathroom floor; and an ensuing box of Q-Tips which also
pops open, scattering about 300 stray Q-Tips trapped into the pool of shampoo.
My bathroom floor has now become my own little Exxon Valdez.
5. Swearing, screaming and slipping in the shampoo, I am now joined by my bemused
wife, who upon hearing of my plight, opens the original cabinet door (where I
had searched in vain) and calmly hands me the Icy Hot.
6. I apply the Icy Hot to my
back... That taken care of, I
proceed to rub my eye with an Icy Hot laden
finger – even though my eye isn’t itchy!
My back quickly begins to heat up nicely and my eye burns like the fire
of Hades.
7. As I lean over the sink splashing cold water into my burning eye,
contemplating a trip to the Emergency Ward and cursing the makers of Icy
Hot, I can feel my back tightening up…
July 14
The Stupid Things I Did Today
Everyday
we all do stupid things – and not to brag, but I just happen to do them more
and better than others. (Yes,
that’s right, anyone who would brag about this is indeed very stupid!) These
idiotic acts of mine can be attributed to any number of things including (but
not limited to), the common brain fart, my general stupidity, letting down my
guard, just not thinking, or what I lovingly call a “brain-function
cake-down.”
Because
I’m such a generous guy (or should that be “stupid fool?”), I’ve
decided to share with you, the gentle reader, a list of “The Stupid Things I
Do.” I’m hoping it will
provide you with some laughs at my expense and me with some insights into the
patterns of my acts of stupidity or at the very least offer some kind of
revelations about my idiotic self; but then again, because I’m so
laughably half-witted, even if it did, I’d be too stupid to pick up on it.
The
stupid things I did today:
1.
I
run to catch bus with cup of coffee.
Coffee mostly ends up on my now no longer clean shirt.
2. Pick up Food Processor
blades...
by the blades.
2a. Try and stop profuse bleeding from Food Processor blades by holding
gushing bloody finger under cold tap. After
about 10 minutes I start to feel faint and am told by my long suffering wife to apply
pressure to stop the bleeding.
Miraculously, the bleeding stops.
3. I spend approximately 90 mind boggling minutes trying to burn a CD even though
my burner is clearly
not working (I suspect the reason it isn’t working has something to do with
me, but for time being can not verify this – more later).
4. At fast food restaurant I dump my food tray along with my finished food into
garbage bin.
5. Later:
Regarding CD burner – suspicions
confirmed – it’s me! I discover I have not connected the USB cord.
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
i want superpowers like Jesus Christ
advantages of joining the french foreign legion
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get a ant queen by mail
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interrogation boy squeeze testicles
one minute hero
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 159 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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