"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
July 19
Is
Tom Cruise Actually
Peter "Family Guy" Griffin?
Young
Tommy Cruise circa 1975
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Today: Elevated
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Is
"The Real” Tom Cruise
Peter "Family Guy" Griffin?
An old photo of Tom Cruise has
surfaced and while it’s glaringly apparent that the actor has undergone
extensive surgery what’s intriguing is the eerie resemblance that young
Tommy bares to cartoon star Peter Griffin.
Family Guy creator Seth
McFarlane couldn’t be reached for comment while Mr. Cruise was his usual
incomprehensible and furious self.
“Burn that picture! I
command you to burn it,” he screamed into the phone, “I was young and
hideous to the eye. But I’ll deny that picture is me. And I’ll deny that I
ever said that. And I’m denying it for the simple reason that I’m alleging
I didn’t say it! This interview is over!”
Mr. Cruise is a
well-known actor who has recently stopped taking his meds.
This Week’s Featured Album:
Hank Penny: King Of Hillbilly Bebop
Liner Notes.
All songs by Duke Bodine, Goober Doogie, Cooter Hicks, Dauber Gob, Billy Bob
Clampett and Hank Penny.
Side One:
1. Get my jug, shotgun an’ sum plug
tabakie (There’s a pretty boy in town!)
2. Gopher Stew
3. Abducting me a Mountain Bride
4. Kissing my Sister (Some say it’s wrong but it feels so right)
5. Baby’s out drinking so the goat will have to do
6. If it’s the first day of spring then it’s time for my bath
7. No shoes, no teeth, nobody loves me
Side Two:
1. Them’s Feuding Words
2. My Old Kentucky Outsider Art
3. Crow Pie Jig
4. XXX – You, Me, & the Moonshine
5. A Good Ol’ Boy Redneck Ain’t Hard To Find
6. Well Cats My Fish and Call Me John Barleycorn
7. Big Breasted Daisy Mae and Her Corn Cob Pipe
Now I reckon it’s safe to
say I ain’t ever got done no proper schooling or learnt me alls I coulds
about reedin’ and writin.’ To
me, being a barefoot, inbred hillbilly is all I’s ever knowed. But as a poor
and common, God-loving and God-fearing man, well, that sure as squirrel pie
ain’t gonna stop me an the boys from playing our songs. So why’s donts I
tell ya all a lil’ bit about each one?
The opening ditty,
Get my jug, shotgun an’ sum plug tabakie (There’s a pretty boy in town!)
is all about how me and the boys like to capture city fellers who, for one
reason or t’other come up to the hills. Usually after we’s through done
doing stuff to them we let’s ‘em go... Usually.
Gopher Stew,
an’ Abducting Me A Mountain Bride is pretty much reflecting
hows we likes to eats and love. Though one time ol’ Cooter went an abducted
a gopher bride... Haw, dang, that was downright histerical!
Kissing my Sister (Some say
it’s wrong but it feels so right)
This one’s a love song that almost got me throwed in jail.
Baby’s out drinking so
the goat will have to do This one’s a
love song that almost got me killded by my sister.
If it’s the first day of spring then it's time for my bath and No shoes, no
teeth, nobody loves me was songs that we all wrote when we was
out huntin. We like huntin and whoah granny does we get some good idears fer
songs when we goes a huntin... Some day, I’m gonna write me a song about
huntin. I’ll call it “huntin.”
Some folks might say that Them’s
Feuding Words, My Old Kentucky Outsider Art, Crow Pie Jig, XXX – You, Me,
& the Moonshine and A Good Ol’
Boy Redneck Ain’t Hard To Find alls kinds of sounds alike. And
by gum, they’d be rite. Each song gots the same two chords, but them words
on each one is different.
Well
Cats My Fish and Call Me John Barleycorn was done ritten after ol’ Dauber said, “Well
Cats My Fish” and Duke then said, “And Call Me John Barleycorn.” That’s how we do that there creative processing up here in
the mountains.
Big
Breasted Daisy Mae and Her Corn Cob Pipe is a song about why it’s good to be a hillbilly!
Hank
Penny (1954)
Cover
photo: Big Breasted Daisy Mae © 1954 Yodeling Records
Your
Horoscope:
Aries:
See above – hah, made you look!
Taurus: You
have the ethics of a carpetbagger and the testicles of a carpenter ant.
Gemini: You will continue to view hamsters as small European
rodents of the subfamily Cricetinae, especially Mesocricetus auratus,
having large cheek pouches, short tails and often kept as pets or used in
laboratory research. But once again you are grossly misinformed – they are
Eurasian rodents!
Cancer: Your ass sweats continue to amuse all who walk behind
you.
Leo: If at first you don’t succeed throw in the towel and get more
heroin.
Virgo: From today onward you will be at harmony with the world because
you’ve decided to smash anything you don’t like.
Libra: It’s not easy to tell sense from stupidity. Especially for
you.
Scorpio: Planetary alignments are responsible for your
lack of success. Yes, let’s blame the planetary alignments.
Sagittarius: Chug! Chug! Chug!
Capricorn: You are teetering on the brink of foolishness. Go out and buy
the jester costume and mock scepter to finalize things.
Aquarius: Your will make your bed and then lie in it.
Pisces: Mars, ruler of insanity has you committed – and not a moment too
soon.
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
avery porn
ant sex
bernstein bears
tom cruise insane
karl rove horoscope
camilla coat of arms
gay rabbit
james avery's height
dick cheney erection
mickey rooney is an asshole
Beat The Clock
You Stoner
INT: HOUSE. NIGHT.
A party. DANNY and JAMES, both stoned out
of their teenage minds, mumble away to each other.
Danny: This party rules. Man, I am so
wasted.
James: Yeah. Hey, look at my watch. It’s
like ten to twelve, man. Oh man, look at the hands, they look like a stick
man.
Danny: Cool. I never thought about that
before. Yeah, a ten to twelve stick man... Holy shit!
James: What is it, dude?
Danny: My curfew!
Rossini’s “William Tell Overture”
comes up and Sports Announcers CHET and ANN call the action.
Chet: Well it’s ten to twelve and Danny
Wilson has ten minutes to make it home and I just know it’s going to be
close.
Ann: It’s always exciting when Danny’s
this stoned. He’s usually pretty unpredictable but quite determined.
Chet: Danny’s off to an unsteady start.
He’s having problems with his shoelaces. We’ve seen this before, haven’t
we, Ann?
Ann: Yes we have, it’s usually good for a
three-minute delay.
Chet: But wait! In a dramatic turnaround
he’s decided to forgo wearing shoes, what determination!
Ann: I’m always impressed by his style
Chet, but he is having problems with the door.
Chet: Doors are usually a problem for
Danny, particularly that whole “push or pull” issue. But hang on, he’s
found the knob and wow, he’s out of the gate and onto the street – and
look at him go!
EXT. STREET. NIGHT
Ann: Danny prefers to stumble forward,
which really increases his speed. He’s moving down the driveway now and, uh
oh... He’s forgotten where he’s going.
Chet: Always a set back.
Ann: You bet, Chet. But he’s remembered
and is off. He’s lighting up his last smoke and looking for his car keys...
Chet: But we know he won’t find them
because he doesn’t have a car, but... But...
Both: He’s remembered!
Ann: Oh, oh. He’s starting to giggle.
Yes, he’s giggling uncontrollably.
Chet: This looks bad.
Ann: Well, in a brilliant stroke, he’s
fallen down. Danny’s looking at the moon now. He did that a couple of
month’s ago and it cost him big time.
Chet: He’s definitely become fixated...
He’s transfixed. Boy, is he wasted!
Ann: I’ll say. He was handicapped with
three hits of acid before tonight’s race and he really seems to be having
trouble with it.
Chet; But he’s back up again and moving
like a madman!
Ann: Danny’s so inventive, he’s air
guitaring to some song in his head: This usually bolts him to his parent’s
front door.
Chet: Hang on... Uh, oh, he’s got that
feeling doesn’t he?
Ann: I’m afraid so... He’s so stoned he
thinks his baby toe has fallen off and is trapped under his foot. He’ll have
to take his socks off now and count his toes.
Chet: He takes a final drag of his smoke
and in a highly unusual strategic move, he takes another.
Ann: Oh no, Danny’s getting that defiant,
“fuck my parents if I’m late,” look about him.
Chet: It’s almost as though he’s giving
up.
Ann: But wait! Through a stroke of luck
he’s remembered that he has a joint hidden in his pillowcase and I think
that’s gonna get him home in time. He’s running, he’s up his driveway,
he’s opening the door...
His DAD is waiting for him.
Dad: Grounded!
Ann: Oh well. There’s
always next year.
(to the top)
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