"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
July 14
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Today: Guarded
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
France Hates Tom Cruise!
Reviled country’s decision wins
international acclaim and is now being reconsidered as a great state by many.
Bastille Day to be celebrated worldwide!
France, famous for its
chain-smoking Parisians, wine-drinking children and endless supply of mimes is
finally using its dislike of organized religion for the greater good: An
out-and-out anti-Tom Cruise campaign! And the rest of the world thoroughly
approves.
Cruise, the overrated, overacting, can of
Hollywood ham may have Svengalied Katie Holmes in the French capital, but the
city of Paris has voted NOT to make the Cruiser an honorary citizen because of
his membership in the ridiculous Church of Scientology.
In a debate this week, the city of Paris
pledged “never to welcome that greasy piece of merde, Tom Cruise, spokesman
for Scientology and self-declared militant for this organization,” according
to Agence France Presse.
“That’s a bloody good call,” said the
city of London on Paris’s decision, “France has finally done something
useful. We don’t like the blighter Cruise either and maybe we should get
some balls and do the same thing.”
Just Say “Non”
to Scientology!
Mariah
Carey Blames Her Lack
of Talent on September 11th
Mariah Carey has finally given a reason
that “Glitter” flopped: Sept. 11.
“I released it around September 11,
2001,” the singer told Swiss newspaper Sonntags Zeitung as translated on fan
site MariahDaily. “So the reason the album tanked wasn’t because it stunk.
It was because of the terrorists. Those meanies are ruining it for
everyone!”
The deluded caterwauler went on to say,
“This is how terrorists work. They love to destroy beautiful talented women
like me.”
Like
the terrorist, Ms. Carey is a blight
upon society and doesn’t appear to be going away soon.
Your
Horoscope:
Aries: It’s not
possible to think about Saturn without considering its link to Jupiter. Hey,
we all do that, right?
Taurus: When
things go continually wrong it begs the questions, “what’s wrong with
you?” Phew, where to start?
Gemini: Mercury, your ruler acts like an even bigger asshole than Mr.
Forsythe, your supervisor.
Cancer: Your dreams of starting an all-sheep hocky team continue to be
laughable at best.
Leo: And to think you laughed when that old lady cursed you with “a
plague of boils.”
Virgo: You have the wisdom of a tuba and you sound like one too.
Libra: If you lead a horse to water and it refuses to drink it’s
probably because it’s not thirsty. Muse on that.
Scorpio: Money doesn’t grow on trees but we’ve got not end of clichés
over here (see above).
Sagittarius: You will continue to think of turkeys as large North
American birds with brownish plumage and a bare wattled heads and necks that
are widely domesticated for food.
Capricorn: See above.
Aquarius: Your blind turns out to really be blind and yet you can’t see
the irony.
Pisces: Your success depends on how well you’ve screwed over others.
Beat The Clock
You Stoner
INT: HOUSE. NIGHT.
A party. DANNY and JAMES, both stoned out
of their teenage minds, mumble away to each other.
Danny: This party rules. Man, I am so
wasted.
James: Yeah. Hey, look at my watch. It’s
like ten to twelve, man. Oh man, look at the hands, they look like a stick
man.
Danny: Cool. I never thought about that
before. Yeah, a ten to twelve stick man... Holy shit!
James: What is it, dude?
Danny: My curfew!
Rossini’s “William Tell Overture”
comes up and Sports Announcers CHET and ANN call the action.
Chet: Well it’s ten to twelve and Danny
Wilson has ten minutes to make it home and I just know it’s going to be
close.
Ann: It’s always exciting when Danny’s
this stoned. He’s usually pretty unpredictable but quite determined.
Chet: Danny’s off to an unsteady start.
He’s having problems with his shoelaces. We’ve seen this before, haven’t
we, Ann?
Ann: Yes we have, it’s usually good for a
three-minute delay.
Chet: But wait! In a dramatic turnaround
he’s decided to forgo wearing shoes, what determination!
Ann: I’m always impressed by his style
Chet, but he is having problems with the door.
Chet: Doors are usually a problem for
Danny, particularly that whole “push or pull” issue. But hang on, he’s
found the knob and wow, he’s out of the gate and onto the street – and
look at him go!
EXT. STREET. NIGHT
Ann: Danny prefers to stumble forward,
which really increases his speed. He’s moving down the driveway now and, uh
oh... He’s forgotten where he’s going.
Chet: Always a set back.
Ann: You bet, Chet. But he’s remembered
and is off. He’s lighting up his last smoke and looking for his car keys...
Chet: But we know he won’t find them
because he doesn’t have a car, but... But...
Both: He’s remembered!
Ann: Oh, oh. He’s starting to giggle.
Yes, he’s giggling uncontrollably.
Chet: This looks bad.
Ann: Well, in a brilliant stroke, he’s
fallen down. Danny’s looking at the moon now. He did that a couple of
month’s ago and it cost him big time.
Chet: He’s definitely become fixated...
He’s transfixed. Boy, is he wasted!
Ann: I’ll say. He was handicapped with
three hits of acid before tonight’s race and he really seems to be having
trouble with it.
Chet; But he’s back up again and moving
like a madman!
Ann: Danny’s so inventive, he’s air
guitaring to some song in his head: This usually bolts him to his parent’s
front door.
Chet: Hang on... Uh, oh, he’s got that
feeling doesn’t he?
Ann: I’m afraid so... He’s so stoned he
thinks his baby toe has fallen off and is trapped under his foot. He’ll have
to take his socks off now and count his toes.
Chet: He takes a final drag of his smoke
and in a highly unusual strategic move, he takes another.
Ann: Oh no, Danny’s getting that defiant,
“fuck my parents if I’m late,” look about him.
Chet: It’s almost as though he’s giving
up.
Ann: But wait! Through a stroke of luck
he’s remembered that he has a joint hidden in his pillowcase and I think
that’s gonna get him home in time. He’s running, he’s up his driveway,
he’s opening the door...
His DAD is waiting for him.
Dad: Grounded!
Ann: Oh well. There’s
always next year.
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Family Band Vol. 1
With
The Hoitt Orchestra Featuring
Donna Boser
Liner Notes.
The Family Band:
Donna Boser – Vocals, tambourine
Clyde Hoitt – Squeezebox
Petunia Hoitt – Fuzz Guitar, tuba
Clyde Hoitt Jr. – Banjo, bagpipes
Ernie Hoitt – Drums, cat
And David Cassidy – Electric Guitar, vocals
Side One:
1. Last Night I Abducted David Cassidy (Bosser)
2. Beat David & Lock Him In The Basement (Bosser, C. Hoitt)
3. Oh My God What’s Happened To Me? (Cassidy)
4. Tell Me You Love Me, David – Or Else (Bosser)
5. Break His Legs And Then His Spirit (Bosser, P. Hoitt)
6. Make Love To Me, David – Or Else (Bosser)
7. The Defiled Partridge (Bosser, Cassidy)
Side Two:
1. Sodomy Medley (Bosser, The Hoitt
Orchestra)
2. Donna’s Love Slave (Bosser, Cassidy)
3. We Tie You In Chains Because We Love You (Bosser, The Hoitt Orchestra)
4. I Wish I Was Dead (Cassidy)
5. Dreams of Revenge {In D Minor} (Cassidy)
6. David’s Crying Again (Bosser)
7. We Got No Choice, We’re Gonna Have To Kill David (Bosser, The Hoitt
Orchestra)
I always figured that if we were going to
do an album that it would have to be special. My brother-in-law, Clyde,
thought that a Pro-Vietnam war album was the way to go, but that seemed too
controversial for me. That’s when I came up with a “can’t lose”
concept: I would abduct David Cassidy and convince him to perform and write
songs for the album. Initially he was resistant, but a crowbar to the head
helped turn him around.
I’d loved David since I first saw him and
had always hoped to collaborate with him. And golly, now I was getting my big
chance!
The first days of recording (in our remote
cabin in Minnesota) were difficult. After we released David from the burlap
sack all he would do was cry. Oddly enough, the more we beat him the more
reluctant he was to help. In fact, he actually seemed ungrateful for the
opportunity. He just kept rolling up into a fetal position and whimpering,
“I’m scared” and “please don’t kill me.”
It almost looked like the record might not
get made. I was at my wit’s end about what to do. Luckily a few more weeks
locked with the dogs in the basement really helped David to finally come
around.
Oh we had such fun! Although David proved
to be kind of a moody fellow and he had a bit of an attitude. One minute
he’d see an open door and be all smiles, the next I’d be forcing him to
make sweet love to me and he’d get all weepy and nauseous. He certainly
wasn’t anything like the delightful Keith character from the Partridge
Family TV Show and I found that disappointing and so had to apply discipline
in order to get David to stop being such a wet blanket. As we kept telling
him, “We
Tie You In Chains Because We Love You” but truth be told, I don’t think
he ever got it.
Clyde was convinced David was queer and he
and the boys had a go at him, but I don’t think David enjoyed it nearly as
much as they said he did.
Of course you can live in the most remote
cabin in the world but eventually some nosey Nellie is going to hear the
screaming and call the police. (Although I really don’t think they had to
gun down my sister Petunia just because she came at them with her fuzz guitar.
But they claimed self-defense and once a cop does that, well, that’s the end
of that story.)
At the trial, David had the gall to call us
monsters and claimed he never loved me. Heavens to Betsy! He also called me a
fat bitch! I was shocked. And after all I did for him. Clyde had wanted to
break his legs and toss him in the wood-chipper but I wouldn’t hear of it.
Oh sure, eventually I was going to bury him alive, but that wouldn’t have
been until the spring. And yet there he was in the witness box saying I was an
evil woman who’d traumatized him for the rest of his life. The nerve of that
scamp!
Those Hollywood musicians really don’t
appreciate their fans.
Donna Bosser
(1975 Shakopee Prison for Women)
Cover photo: Yousuf
Karsh. © 1974 Abductee Records
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