"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
July 4
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Today: Guarded
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Cruise's
ex-wife (no, not the famous one) defends Tom and informs America she’s still
an actress
Tom Cruise's ex-wife, seeing the
press that Brooke Shields has managed to rustle up, has gotten into the act
and defended her ex-husband’s new relationship with Katie Holmes.
The actress, who these days is more famous for taking your order, slammed
rumours that the pair are simply looking for publicity and also said that if
Ms. Holmes didn’t like having sex she was marrying into “a good thing.”
Cruise’s ex (whose name I’ve already forgotten) is quoted by
Femalefirst.co.uk as saying. "Just so you know, I’m still working. I
did an “art movie” last year. You can see it online at
hornywigglychicks.com”
Apparently Cruise and this woman were married for three years in the late
1980s.
Excerpts
from the Today Interview
For those who live on a
spaceship (actually, let’s say “under a rock” instead) and missed it,
here’s an excerpt of Tom Cruiser’s interview with Matt Lauer. It’s when
the subject turned to mental health (of which Cruise has now made us all
believe he is completely lacking) that the bag of ham transformed into the
glassy-eyed and aggressive kook we know now him to be, hectoring Matt Lauer
and heaping scorn on the host’s knowledge of prescription drugs.
Cruise: I've never agreed with psychiatry,
ever. Before I was a Scientologist I was a Catholic and I believed in witch
burning. Still do. Later, when I started studying the history of psychiatry, I
understood more and more why I didn't believe in psychology. Does that make
sense?
Lauer: There’s a big difference between
psychiatry and psychology.
Cruise: Don’t interrupt! And as far as
the Brooke Shields thing, look, you got to understand, I’m right and she’s
wrong. It’s just as simple as me... I mean that.
Lauer: But Tom, as a pseudo-actor, you
must...
Cruise: I ORDERED YOU TO BE SILENT! Matt,
Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, you have to wrap your simple pea brain around this:
Here we are today, sitting on a couch drinking ordinary water...
Lauer: It’s Perrier.
Cruise: Shut up! Now, when I talk out
against drugs and psychiatric abuses of electric shocking people, I do it
because I’m a celebrity and as such, I know better than others. Is that
clear? Do you know what Aderol is? I don’t, but I know how to pronounce the
word. Do you know Ritalin? I ask because think my prescription fell into the
couch.
Lauer: I
understand there's abuse of all of these things.
Cruise: No, you understand nothing! You
will only understand what I preach. And you will obey me. Here's the problem.
You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do.
Lauer: Yes, but you’re basing your
knowledge on a book that was written for kids between the ages of 6 and 10. (Holds
up copy of “Uncle Happy Clown Explains Head-Shrinking. Ages 6 – 10.) And
was published over 50 years ago.
Cruise: All your doing is masking the real
problem, Matt. According to my expert brain, there is no such thing as a
chemical imbalance.
Lauer: So, postpartum depression to you is
kind of a little psychological gobbledygook...
Cruise: Yes! Yes, now you’re getting it.
Lauer: It still seems weird. Look, I’ll
continue to be an obsequious
doormat, but just answer me this: Tom,
you’re saying you want people to do well, but you want them do to well by
taking the road that you approve of, as opposed to a road that may work for
them.
Cruise: That’s exactly what I’m saying
you uninformed, ignorant, toad.
Lauer: Well, if antidepressants work for
Brooke Shields, why isn't that okay?
Cruise: Shut up!
Lauer: I'm only asking, isn't there a
possibility that — do you examine the possibility that these things do work
for some people? That yes, there are abuses. And yes, maybe they've gone too
far in certain areas. Maybe there are too many kids on Ritalin. Maybe electric
shock...
Cruise: Too many kids on Ritalin? Matt
you’re a total loon: Completely crazy koo-koo, pyscho.
Lauer: I'm just saying. But aren't there
examples where it works?
Cruise: Matt. Matt, Matt, you don't even —
you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is. I do. And everyone will
listen to me because I’m a star and when the aliens arrive they will make
their silver-headed God. This interview is over! Yah! Yah! Yah!
This Week’s Featured
Album:
Gee, Dad
Organ Music by Ed Scofield with son Tim
Liner Notes.
All songs by Ed Scofield unless noted.
Side One:
1. My Big Organ and My Son’s Small Kit
2. I Wish I Was Sterile
3. Stop Calling Me “Dad”
4. When Big Brains and Good Looks Skip A Generation (The Ballad Of Tim)
5. You Were An Accident
6. Keep Your Eyes Off Mom – I Saw Her First
7. Where Did You Hide My Gun, Tim?
8. You’re 16, You’re A Man, You’re Out Of The House
Side Two:
1. Tim (You’re An Enormous
Disappointment)
2. Dad Gets The Groupies
3. Making My Boy Cry (Makes Me A Big Man)
4. Shut Up and Shine My Shoes
5. Surfing Bird California Wipe Out Girl (by Tim Scofield)
6. Dumb As A Chimp and Twice As Smelly (An Ode To My Son)
7. The Useless Progeny Two-Step
8. I Think Tim’s A Homo
Writing and performing
“Gee, Dad” was a long, difficult, acrimonious and, yes, explosively
violent experience. Originally intended to be an artistic collaboration of
folk organ ballads written by a loving dad and his “devoted son” it ended
up being a financial setback and an ugly discovery of the shortcomings and
many failings of my hapless drummer boy, Tim. We walked into the studio with
one objective: to write catchy songs about the seasons (mainly Fall). We
walked out of the studio with a newer objective: to never speak to each other
again. I’m pleased to say that we still haven’t exchanged a single word.
These 16 songs represent what I went through in that studio and are the
essence of everything that I discovered about my son as well as my feelings of
absolute disgust for them: From my concerns about his obsession with his
mother to my thorough belief that he is a vile and deviant homosexual. And
I’ll say this much, my feelings of loathing really come through in all the
songs (with the exception of Tim’s derivatively putrid “single,” Surfing
Bird California Wipe Out Girl) and I still enjoy playing them when
family comes by for a visit. We had everyone over last Xmas and I fired up the
Hammond and played a rather “rocking” version of I
Think Tim’s A Homo. It didn’t go over all that well with everyone,
but I was so drunk I couldn’t have cared less. Ha, ha, ha.
Ed
Scofield (revised liner notes 1972)
My therapist says I should
try and talk about that summer dad and I recorded these 16 tracks. So I’ll
try... “Gee, Dad, you ruined my life and I hate you.”
Tim
Scofield (Belleview Mental Asylum 1972)
Cover
photo: Mrs. Scofield. © 1967 Oedipus Records
Your
Horoscope:
Aries: See
yesterday’s horoscope.
Taurus: You
feel unwell and vulnerable but at least you’re not as deranged as Tom
Cruise.
Gemini: A Saturn alignment in your chart means, yes, that’s right,
nothing.
Cancer: You will read about sports events, celebrities and politicians in
a newspaper.
Leo: No matter how frustrating your life may seem, remember, it could be
worse. And it soon will be.
Virgo: Life is full of unexpected wonders. Nobody knows how the great
pyramids of Giza were built... Although “by slaves” is probably the right
answer. Oh, the wonders...
Libra: Certain people seem to be taking a genuine delight in making your
life more difficult. It’s called “payback.”
Scorpio: Dealing with tiresome and tedious people is what others do when
they deal with you.
Sagittarius: You stamp collection continues to be worthless.
Capricorn: See above.
Aquarius: Remain faithful to your half-assed approach to life.
Pisces: Your lottery tickets don’t win you squat.
The Curious George Epilogue
The recent discovery of a hitherto
unpublished manuscript in a Greenwich Village loft has rocked the world of
children’s literature. While it has not been definitively attributed to
authors Margaret and H. A. Ray, many scholars are convinced they are indeed
responsible for the shocking Curious Yellow. If
it is true, it offers a disturbing
glimpse of the couple’s darker side and
serves up an unnerving insight into both their love/hate relationship with the
monkey that brought them fame and their desire to be seen as serious writers.
Curious
Yellow (Draft 1, description of illustrations in italics.
8/4/57)
Man
in yellow hat in bed, unshaven, eyes bloodshot.
Sickly bird on windowsill. Neck
of empty bottle seen under bed (no detail!).
Wallet open on bedside table, empty as well.
1.
This is the man in the yellow hat. He is a writer of books!
He is also
George’s
best friend. Sometimes the man in
the yellow hat wakes up screaming. Sometimes the man in the yellow hat despises himself because
of his secret weakness and lack of personal integrity.
And today
he is going to
do both! Because today is
George’s birthday!
George
in bedroom. Window barred, floors
and walls filthy. Cold air blowing in through tattered curtains.
Beret in corner of room as well as red rubber ball and kite.
2.
Here is George. He is a monkey. And
he is very curious. At night he
dreams of
bananas and trees and of his mother, from whose teat he was plucked
at the tender age of 12 weeks after she was freed from this earth by the single bullet of a small German pistol.
Man
in yellow hat in George’s room laughing strangely. George jumps on bed. Through window we see faceless people
walking single file in the rain.
3.
“Happy Birthday George!” shrieked the man in the yellow hat.
Kitchen.
A poorly wrapped present on a table. Man
in yellow hat stands, edgy. George
jumps, inane and unknowing.
4.
The man in the yellow hat noticed his hands were shaking as he poured
George a
glass of milk and handed him a banana.
“This is a special day George, today is
your birthday. This is a present for you but I do not want you to open it
until I
get home from work.” George
looked at the package carefully. He
was curious about
what was inside.
Front
hallway. Opposite apartment door open. Woman
of questionable background exiting. Man in yellow hat has worried look and old
attaché in hand. George sees him
off but casts an eye back to the kitchen.
5.
“I will not be late. So be a good boy and do not answer the door or
telephone. Make no noise and keep out of the windows.
And do not open
your present. Tonight we will
have cake and wine and read passages from Marx under the cover of darkness,” said the man in the yellow
hat. George scratched himself and laughed, thinking only of his present
and wondering what could be inside the box.
Kitchen.
Roach on cupboard. Rat on floor. George holds package close to him.
6.
George knew that he should leave the present alone. But he was so
curious.
Senate
Hearings Room. Senator McCarthy in chair. Man in yellow hat seated at table,
behind microphone. He appears “shaky” his eyes red and his tie loosened.
7.
The man in the yellow hat felt hatred grip his body like a cancer. He
was
a coward, and
a fool. He was addicted to
morphine and a communist sympathizer. But his sympathy had run out. The men seated behind
the table had frightened him into
naming names. He had been told
it was in his
best interest. He knew that after it was all over he would
never ever work again.
Kitchen.
George, flies buzzing about his head, puts the package back on the table and
looks at it.
8.
George felt and understood nothing. It was a lack of knowledge and
instinct that
only a monkey in a wholly unnatural experience could know.
If he knew
only one thing, it was that it would be very unwise to disobey the
man in the yellow hat. George
decided to leave the package alone.
Package.
Close-up. Slight tear in poorly wrapped paper. Silver fish crawling on
package.
9.
“Oh my,” thought George. “I have accidentally ripped the paper.
The man
in the yellow
hat will be so furious with me. I must fix it.” George struggled
in vain to
repair the package but his lack of opposing thumbs and awkwardness of
age caused him to only make matters worse.
Three
illustrations of package becoming unwrapped. Increasing, primal fear appearing
on George’s face. Final
illustration -- George staring at brown box.
10.
Soon, all of the wrapping paper was on the floor. George knew he was in
trouble, and
that his curiosity had gotten the better of him, but he had not intended
to be bad.
Bar.
Man in yellow hat, half-drunk, throwing the last of his dollars away. Empty
shot glasses. Assorted barflies and party girls.
11.
There would be no cake and wine this evening.
George
opening package. Contents unseen. Terror
in his face. Little hands all askew.
12.
Since the wrapping paper was already off, there was no harm in taking
a peek,
thought George.
Man
in yellow hat with man in white coat in alley. Two starving dogs fight for
garbage in
background.
13.
The man in the yellow hat needed money. He needed to get out of town
and he needed
to start his life over again. His new friend, the man in the white
coat was sympathetic.
Kitchen.
George holding German pistol. Note is visible and reads: “This is the gun I
used to kill your mother. I am
ashamed and weak. Please kill me
and then yourself. I haven’t
the nerve to do it.”
14.
If George had been able to read, he would have been upset.
Kitchen.
Man in yellow hat staggering in. He is weeping.
He sees George with the gun and collapses to his knees in shame. George
points pistol, curious expression.
15.
The man in the yellow hat cried out, trying to release the demons that
tormented him,
“I killed your mother because of you. I loved you. And
because of that, my morphine addiction, weakness for alcohol and belief
in Communism I
am ruined. I am not a man. I am a grotesquerie.”
Two
illustrations. George draws bead on man.
Considers.
Puts
gun down and jumps in his lap.
16.
George could not stay mad. The man in the yellow hat was his friend.
“Things will get better, George, I’m turning my life around and
moving to Argentina.” The man in the yellow hat threw George in the air, picked him
up, and sat
him down. “But things must be different. I have made arrangements for
you.” George was curious.
Two
illustrations. Man in yellow hat
on street with George. George is on harness. Faceless people in background.
Later. Man in yellow hat
tearfully accepting money from man in white coat.
17.
The man in the yellow hat smiled weakly. “George.
This is the man in
the white
coat. He works for a research company and is going to be your new
friend. Don’t hate me, George, and God have mercy on my wretched soul.”
Man
in yellow hat getting in cab. Man
in white coat putting George in a car.
18.
This is very curious, thought George.
Man
in yellow hat on beach, writing a letter, seated beside him is an interested
penguin.
19.
The man in the yellow hat missed his friend, and still felt
overwhelming
guilt. But he had a life to lead, and everyone has to make some
sacrifices.
Laboratory.
George strapped to chair. Arm tied off. Man in white coat approaches
with needle and length of rope.
20.
George looked at his new friend and the toys in his hand.
And when it
was all
over... He was never curious again.
(to the top)
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