"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
July 2
Tom Cruise Insanity Watch
Today: Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise Dangles
Katie Holmes
From 3rd Floor Hotel Balcony
What on earth, many wonder, are the reasons
behind Tom Cruise’s recent freaky and disturbingly hilarious outbursts? No,
he’s not off his meds: the truth is that Tom’s always been something of an
eccentric crackpot. But it wasn’t until he fired his PR flak (PMK-HBH's
Pat Kingsley, who kept the press from talking about Scientology) and
hired his inexperienced sister, Lee Ann, that Tom was finally allowed the
freedom to fire his mouth off and say whatever batty thoughts fly into his
screwy head.
On the upside, his sister gets a
paycheck and it’s funny as hell.
Today’s Tom Weirdness:
Master thespian and all round insane guy, Tom Cruise dangled Katie Holmes from
a third-floor balcony of his German hotel.
The horrified fans gathered below (who were
mostly there to toss rocks, rotten eggs, and tomatoes), thought Cruise was
going to drop his newly converted and brainwashed bride-to-be.
Laughing like a loon, Cruise clutched his
wriggling girlfriend with his right hand while struggling with his left to
adjust a white towel hiding her face.
Cruise later issued a statement explaining
that the bizarre and reckless stunt was a protest against psychiatrists.
“I was just putting Katie through a
purification ritual. It's not like anything weird was going on." Cruise
said, “But you can't dig it because you're so unenlightened. Oh man, oh
baby. You’ll all pay when the aliens make me their Gamma Ray God. Then
you’ll see. Yah! Yah! Yah!”
Canada Live 8
Acts Prove What
Rest of World Already Knew...
Great Big Sea will have a Great Big Banner
so that the audience will know who they are
Les
Trois Accords, Our Lady Peace, DobaCaracol, Jann Arden, Tegan & Sara... and a special video from
the queen of nausea, Celine Dion. As well as many other veritable “who’s
that” of Canadian music stars.
Recommended viewing and drinking game: Keep your
eyes out for all the geriatric geezers who will be hitting the stage in this
heat and are likely to heart attack out. The odds on favorite: Fat man, Burpin’
Cummings.
Your
Horoscope:
Aries: A big cosmic
reward comes in the shape of a meteor that strikes you down.
Taurus: With
a little reflection you realize that at least you’re not as deranged as Tom
Cruise.
Gemini: Once again you are worrying too much – and this is a cause of
much worry.
Cancer: Go back to bed.
Leo: The differences between success and failure are obvious to
everyone but you.
Virgo: Others may tell you that you are aiming to high. So recheck your
site lines in the riflescope, lower it and then shoot them.
Libra: Your dreams of sleeping through the night without dreaming remain
unfulfilled.
Scorpio: Duct tape and your mouth: Now there’s a winning combination!
Sagittarius: See above.
Capricorn: You should know by now that you cannot please all of the people
all of the time. You should know that there is no reason to try. You should
know these things but you don’t and never will.
Aquarius: Actions may speak louder than words, but silence speaks volumes.
Yes, it’s trite, but work with it, okay?
Pisces: When bank robbers watch movies they most likely cheer the villains
and hiss at the heroes. When you watch a movie you talk all the way through it
and annoy everyone around you.
The Curious George Epilogue
The recent discovery of a hitherto
unpublished manuscript in a Greenwich Village loft has rocked the world of
children’s literature. While it has not been definitively attributed to
authors Margaret and H. A. Ray, many scholars are convinced they are indeed
responsible for the shocking Curious Yellow. If
it is true, it offers a disturbing
glimpse of the couple’s darker side and
serves up an unnerving insight into both their love/hate relationship with the
monkey that brought them fame and their desire to be seen as serious writers.
Curious
Yellow (Draft 1, description of illustrations in italics.
8/4/57)
Man
in yellow hat in bed, unshaven, eyes bloodshot.
Sickly bird on windowsill. Neck
of empty bottle seen under bed (no detail!).
Wallet open on bedside table, empty as well.
1.
This is the man in the yellow hat. He is a writer of books!
He is also
George’s
best friend. Sometimes the man in
the yellow hat wakes up screaming. Sometimes the man in the yellow hat despises himself because
of his secret weakness and lack of personal integrity.
And today
he is going to
do both! Because today is
George’s birthday!
George
in bedroom. Window barred, floors
and walls filthy. Cold air blowing in through tattered curtains.
Beret in corner of room as well as red rubber ball and kite.
2.
Here is George. He is a monkey. And
he is very curious. At night he
dreams of
bananas and trees and of his mother, from whose teat he was plucked
at the tender age of 12 weeks after she was freed from this earth by the single bullet of a small German pistol.
Man
in yellow hat in George’s room laughing strangely. George jumps on bed. Through window we see faceless people
walking single file in the rain.
3.
“Happy Birthday George!” shrieked the man in the yellow hat.
Kitchen.
A poorly wrapped present on a table. Man
in yellow hat stands, edgy. George
jumps, inane and unknowing.
4.
The man in the yellow hat noticed his hands were shaking as he poured
George a
glass of milk and handed him a banana.
“This is a special day George, today is
your birthday. This is a present for you but I do not want you to open it
until I
get home from work.” George
looked at the package carefully. He
was curious about
what was inside.
Front
hallway. Opposite apartment door open. Woman
of questionable background exiting. Man in yellow hat has worried look and old
attaché in hand. George sees him
off but casts an eye back to the kitchen.
5.
“I will not be late. So be a good boy and do not answer the door or
telephone. Make no noise and keep out of the windows.
And do not open
your present. Tonight we will
have cake and wine and read passages from Marx under the cover of darkness,” said the man in the yellow
hat. George scratched himself and laughed, thinking only of his present
and wondering what could be inside the box.
Kitchen.
Roach on cupboard. Rat on floor. George holds package close to him.
6.
George knew that he should leave the present alone. But he was so
curious.
Senate
Hearings Room. Senator McCarthy in chair. Man in yellow hat seated at table,
behind microphone. He appears “shaky” his eyes red and his tie loosened.
7.
The man in the yellow hat felt hatred grip his body like a cancer. He
was
a coward, and
a fool. He was addicted to
morphine and a communist sympathizer. But his sympathy had run out. The men seated behind
the table had frightened him into
naming names. He had been told
it was in his
best interest. He knew that after it was all over he would
never ever work again.
Kitchen.
George, flies buzzing about his head, puts the package back on the table and
looks at it.
8.
George felt and understood nothing. It was a lack of knowledge and
instinct that
only a monkey in a wholly unnatural experience could know.
If he knew
only one thing, it was that it would be very unwise to disobey the
man in the yellow hat. George
decided to leave the package alone.
Package.
Close-up. Slight tear in poorly wrapped paper. Silver fish crawling on
package.
9.
“Oh my,” thought George. “I have accidentally ripped the paper.
The man
in the yellow
hat will be so furious with me. I must fix it.” George struggled
in vain to
repair the package but his lack of opposing thumbs and awkwardness of
age caused him to only make matters worse.
Three
illustrations of package becoming unwrapped. Increasing, primal fear appearing
on George’s face. Final
illustration -- George staring at brown box.
10.
Soon, all of the wrapping paper was on the floor. George knew he was in
trouble, and
that his curiosity had gotten the better of him, but he had not intended
to be bad.
Bar.
Man in yellow hat, half-drunk, throwing the last of his dollars away. Empty
shot glasses. Assorted barflies and party girls.
11.
There would be no cake and wine this evening.
George
opening package. Contents unseen. Terror
in his face. Little hands all askew.
12.
Since the wrapping paper was already off, there was no harm in taking
a peek,
thought George.
Man
in yellow hat with man in white coat in alley. Two starving dogs fight for
garbage in
background.
13.
The man in the yellow hat needed money. He needed to get out of town
and he needed
to start his life over again. His new friend, the man in the white
coat was sympathetic.
Kitchen.
George holding German pistol. Note is visible and reads: “This is the gun I
used to kill your mother. I am
ashamed and weak. Please kill me
and then yourself. I haven’t
the nerve to do it.”
14.
If George had been able to read, he would have been upset.
Kitchen.
Man in yellow hat staggering in. He is weeping.
He sees George with the gun and collapses to his knees in shame. George
points pistol, curious expression.
15.
The man in the yellow hat cried out, trying to release the demons that
tormented him,
“I killed your mother because of you. I loved you. And
because of that, my morphine addiction, weakness for alcohol and belief
in Communism I
am ruined. I am not a man. I am a grotesquerie.”
Two
illustrations. George draws bead on man.
Considers.
Puts
gun down and jumps in his lap.
16.
George could not stay mad. The man in the yellow hat was his friend.
“Things will get better, George, I’m turning my life around and
moving to Argentina.” The man in the yellow hat threw George in the air, picked him
up, and sat
him down. “But things must be different. I have made arrangements for
you.” George was curious.
Two
illustrations. Man in yellow hat
on street with George. George is on harness. Faceless people in background.
Later. Man in yellow hat
tearfully accepting money from man in white coat.
17.
The man in the yellow hat smiled weakly. “George.
This is the man in
the white
coat. He works for a research company and is going to be your new
friend. Don’t hate me, George, and God have mercy on my wretched soul.”
Man
in yellow hat getting in cab. Man
in white coat putting George in a car.
18.
This is very curious, thought George.
Man
in yellow hat on beach, writing a letter, seated beside him is an interested
penguin.
19.
The man in the yellow hat missed his friend, and still felt
overwhelming
guilt. But he had a life to lead, and everyone has to make some
sacrifices.
Laboratory.
George strapped to chair. Arm tied off. Man in white coat approaches
with needle and length of rope.
20.
George looked at his new friend and the toys in his hand.
And when it
was all
over... He was never curious again.
This Week's Featured
Album:
Christian Crusaders with Al Davis
Liner Notes.
Side One:
1.
I’m Not Fat, I’m Full Of Christian Love
2.
Die Sinners Die!
3.
Lie Back & Think of God (I Know I Will)
4.
See You At Church – Or Else
5.
Pregnant Teenagers Burning in Hell (Acoustic Version)
Side Two:
1.
Jesus Saw The Filthy Beggar And He Kept On Walking
2.
Pity The Jews
3.
Powder Blue Pants, Black Shoes, Red Shirt (Ska Version)
4.
Teach Your Children Shame
5.
Do The Hairshirt
When Colombia Records approached me to
record this album, I thought, “These godless heathen record industry types
sicken me to my very core." Then I figured it had to be a sign from God,
because, well, I think everything that happens to me is a sign from God. Our
approach to making this album was novel: We’d write some songs and record
them. And with the money we made we’d buy stuff, like clothes and food. This
was pretty revolutionary thinking back then. A lot of people don’t know this
but “Christian Crusaders” was recorded in about 2 hours. Our producer, I
think his name was Marty, spent the entire session in another room having what
sounded like carnal relations with someone (probably a man). He told us the
record wouldn’t sell. He said we didn’t have a sound anyone would buy. He
insisted we’d be forgotten in no time and that no kid in his right mind
would ever dance to a song called “Do The Hairshirt.” Boy, was he right.
The only satisfaction I can take from this is that I heard he died in a fire a
few years later.
Al Davis (revised liner notes 1984)
Cover photo: Al’s mom. ©
1972 Columbia Records
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