"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
July 1 (Rabbits!)
Osama’s
Latest Recording Fails To Make Billboard Charts
Osama
bin Laden danced, did some stand up (his “How many suicide bombers does it
take to screw in a light bulb?” joke was particularly incisive) sang, and
defended attacks by Abu Musab al-Zarqawi against civilians in Iraq, saying in
a taped Web message Friday that the slain al-Qaida in Iraq leader was “a
nutty fruitcake with a temper and who’s hatred of America stemmed from its
rejection of his concept of a body spray that smelt of goats. I’ll miss that
crazy bastard!”
Bin
Laden also paid tribute to Star Jones, the ousted member of the TV show The View, and said she was more than welcome to join him in his cave
where she would find “a minimal amount of acceptance… Not
much, but more than she’s getting from that great Satan known as
America
.” He also added, “Boy, do
they hate her! I know what that’s like.”
Bin
Laden’s 19-minute message posted on an Islamic militant Web site Jihad This! showed old high school photos of Bin Laden in a blue tux
as well as a split-screen next to images of Jones taken from before she had
all her fat sucked out.
In the message, bin Laden demands President Bush hand over a chicken, some
flint, a VHS copy of
Valley
Of
The Dolls
, a pound of sugar and the body of al-Zarqawi.
He effusively praises the Jordanian-born militant, often in rhyming
couplets. A sample:
Holy, zip, zow-wee
Give me the head of Zarqawi
Oh
and also,
His torso
Plus his feet
That would be neat
Bin Laden also
said, “We will continue to fight you and your allies everywhere, in
Iraq
,
Afghanistan
,
Somalia
and
Sudan
and all the other holes that we call home. We will also, um, do more bad
stuff. Yeah, yeah… Like, um,
pretend to be ghosts and make the spooky ghost ‘woooo’ sound… Or is that
a ‘booo’ sound? I always
confuse the two. Anyway, this is
Osama signing off. Thanks for your
cards and letters and don’t forget kids – Death to
America
!”
Also:
How To Celebrate
Canada
Day:
1. Drink beer. Repeat endlessly.
2. Drink beer and remember that the politicians celebrate
Canada
’s birthday by taking the whole summer off. Keep drinking beer and
reflecting on this. Then get angry and kick over the barbecue.
3. Drink beer and crash a gay wedding. There’s got to be one happening
nearby. Bring a tasteful gift – might I suggest a keg?
4. Drink beer and smoke pot. No one’s gonna care.
5. See above.
6. Drink Beer and then go to a bar. Continue drinking beer.
7. Drink Beer and revel in the pageantry. Shake well on the dance floor and
then vomit.
8. Drink Wine Coolers and get accused of being a Communist.
9. Drink Beer and keep telling yourself we’re just as good as the
USA
. Keep drinking and keep telling yourself this...
10. Go to A.A. meeting. Bring beer.
June 30
Operation
Summer Rain
“Israel’s
attack, called Operation Summer Rain, began early yesterday when fighter jets
bombed three bridges connecting Gaza City…”
The Globe & Mail
No lie: I have a deodorant named “Summer Rain.”
It’s meant to imply (or so I believe) the fresh, clean, newborn smell
that the earth takes on after a nice cooling shower.
Now it’s named after a downpour of bombs.
Ah well. If the Israeli
government (or anyone else for that matter) is looking for new operation
names, this is their lucky day because I’m just back from the drugstore and
have a list of other catchy deodorant-based operation names they might want to
consider:
Operation
Cool Wave –
After a nice cool wave of destruction.
Operation
Maximum Endurance
– For the operation that keeps on killing…
Operation Classic Spice – A
classic. And spicy!
Operation Ultra Clear – Just so
there’s no confusion,
Israel
wants to make it clear they will be bombing you.
Operation
Wild Rain – A
variation on “Summer Rain” only way more (obviously) wild!
Millions, not thousands, die.
Operation Xtreme Antiperspirant – It’s
totally extreme! Sorry, I mean “xtreme!”
Operation Surf – For like, when
you’re getting attacked by the army, dude!
Operation
Breeze – Like
a gentle wave of artillery. Also, it implies that wiping you out will be
really easy. In fact, you might say, “no sweat.”
Operation
Frost – Translation:
Killing people makes you cool.
Operation
Pacific Light – Pacific
means “peaceful.” Obviously,
this is the ironically named operation.
Operation
Blue Gel – A
variation on “Agent Orange” only deadlier – and blue.
Operation
Arctic
Peak
– In case
those blubber eating Eskimos give us any problems.
June 29
Toys
In The Attic
Hey kids – and
I call you kids because today’s journal is all about toys… Freaky toys,
strange toys, lead-filled toys, toys you shouldn’t put in your mouth and
other really, really, messed up toys… These
fun little objects of amusement for kids to play with probably screwed up many
a shaky little tot… At the very least they say oodles about the demented
parents who bought them. Nothing
says “I love you and therefore I must traumatize you!” like these
disturbing trinkets of mom and dad’s affection…
The Strangler
This little wizard did
everything mom and dad wanted to do you but couldn’t because of certain
unfair laws. Hey, you were
strangling them with your presence – they just wanted to do to you
physically what you were doing to them metaphorically.
The
Monkey That Crapped
This loveable monkey promised “Push Dice Cup Back And I Shoot
Crap.” Just like mom and dad did!
(Note: The monkey’s crap
shooting abilities never worked. Which is no surprise as monkeys aren’t much
known for delivering on their promises...
I’ve yet to see a million of them on typewriters write the complete
works of Shakespeare – and I’m starting to suspect that I never will. )
Toy
Dean Martin
Sure
it didn’t look like him, or dress like him, or sing like him, or sing, or
anything at all like him… And yeah, you had asked for the Sinatra
mobster/wife beater doll, but hey, it was a gift, and it could have been worse
– you could have gotten the one eyed Sammy doll.
Anyway, mom and dad’s point was this:
“Shut your mouth and quit complaining ya little bastard!”
Toy
Saddam
Because all the Toy Saddam
Lawyers were dead.
Toy
Sick Dog
You cried when you were
given this and mom and dad were quick to remind you that a sickly, disgusting,
rabid looking toy dog was better than a sickly, disgusting, rabid looking real
dog.
The Oscar Meyer Toy Car
Dad promised you a car for
your 16th birthday and gave you this. It’s really more of a
comment about his lack of sense of humour than his penis size. (Yeah right.)
The Drunken Toy Bear
This one was usually from a mom and dad who were liquored up souses and knew
that the genetic “boozehound chromosome” was roaming around in you
somewhere just waiting to put on its little party hat and start binging.
So, gosh bless ‘em, they bought you a drinking pal! Yup, no matter
how ripped and inebriated you’d get in the future little “Alchie Bear”
would always be there to make sure you didn’t drink alone; that no matter
how bad things got, at least one stuffed and innate object in this world would
stick by you – unless of course you sold him for booze. Which is a real
possibility.
Satan
Cow
The
parents whose souls had long ago been destroyed by life could always be
counted on to get you The Satan Cow… You
could sell him your soul and he’d give you milk!
That meant that today you'd have food in your belly.
Naked Toy Soldiers
From the
Clinton
administration’s “Don’t ask, don’t tell” era.
This Week's 10 Fun
Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this
week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
rod weatherbie gadzooks
horny Frankenstein
unicorns humping
funny ass daffy duck shit
wal-mart rants
steven harper toupee
savory porn
a picture of elmo having sex with cookie monster
did the rhedosaurus kill an elephant
avery
divine movies
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 177 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to
the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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