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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
January 23 - At Long Last!
Avery's Campaign Journal 2006
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
The Big Day
Finally.
We made it! Now wash this election right out of your hair and get out and
vote.
Remember, if you do,
you get a free pass
to bitch and moan for the next 6 to 24 months (or -- the horror, the horror --
four years) about the out-of-touch castaways on Parliament Island…
As for those of you who don’t vote... Well, you didn’t have anything to do with
this, so you aren't allowed to complain. And why deny yourself that most
joyous of human rights?
More later tonight...
Some Advice from the Ant
As
is always the case, it's finally starting to dawn on me that I'm once again in
an election I likely won't win. The good news - such as it is - is that I can
always sit on the sidelines and offer half-assed assessments and unwanted advice on what the current crop
of clowns have to do to win this puppy.
So here I go dispensing...
Stephen Harper
1. For God’s sake
(and more on God later) stop straying from script. Stick to your script!!! You
are not so scary when the words coming out of your mouth are carefully
controlled. When you start saying what’s actually on your mind, people
start crapping themselves in fear.
2. More turtlenecks. Why are you wearing ties again? More turtlenecks! And
for God’s sake (and more on that later) try and pick some colours other than
black. Yes, I know black is slimming, but remember, fat guys are jolly and
funny. We like you better when you are jolly and funny, not when you are… well,
you know – you.
3. Continue to gag every member of your party and keep them locked in your
basement. There will be plenty of time later for them to shoot off their
racist, homophobic, small minded, and always hilarious musings.
4. Keep your Christian Values out of it. We want a leader not an evangelist. In
Canada, the only time “Church and State” should meet is if they happen to be
street names.
Jack Layton
1. Lose the moustache.
2. Really, lose the moustache.
3. Remember, that moustache has got to go.
4. Yeah, definitely get rid of the moustache.
Paul Martin
1. This “say anything” thing of yours is pathetic. So at least try and turn it
into a nice bit of comedy. Add the words, “I’ll say anything” to the end of all
of your sentences. It’ll be funny and people will think, “Hey, at last he’s
finally being honest.” For example:
Our
government hasn't been perfect, but we have tried our best to govern according
to Canada's values and act upon our great national objectives, our hopes and our
dreams. And you know me, I’ll say anything!
You see how much
better that works?
2. Turtlenecks. Start wearing them pronto. You need an image makeover stat; so
why not murky up the waters by dressing more like Harper? Who knows, people may
get all turned around on this and think, “I don’t like the Liberals, so I’m
going to vote for the guy in the turtleneck… I think his name is Paul.” Try it.
Hey, what do you have to lose?
3. The Big Finish Psych Out. Harper still hasn’t proven that he can close.
Time to break out the sophomoric and puerile psych outs: When he’s voting, stand
close by him and chant “Choke, choke, choke!” Maybe he will and accidentally
vote Liberal!
4. Learn to fly like Superman. That would be so cool…
Gilles Duceppe
1. Who
cares?
2. See below.
3. See above.
4. All of the above.
My Last Grovelling Rant for Your Vote…
A new day, a new rant: Stumping
On Corruption There’s still time to vote Avery. God, I hope that
doesn’t make me sound desperate. It’s just that if I don’t win this thing, I
have to return to my day job. And I can’t go back to Life Insurance. It’s
killing me, and I’m not appreciating the irony of it in the slightest.
Harper: “MacKay Who?”
Reform Party leader,
Stephen Harper pretty much confirmed that once he’s ruling the country, he’ll
happily be replacing his current lackey/deputy, Peter MacKay.
”Probably with a frog. Or better yet, an MP from Quebec,” Harper chortled.
Asked whether Mr. MacKay, the party's deputy leader, had given his okay to a
second-in-command from another region, Mr. Harper said he didn’t know, didn’t
care, and certainly hadn’t discussed it with MacKay, who, like the rest of his
party members have been thoroughly muzzled and locked away during this campaign.
"Let me just say this,” Harper stated, “It’s no secret that I’ve never liked the
guy. And now I’m gonna 'Belinda him.' Ha, I slay me! The thing you have to
understand is that I’d rather have my good buddies by my side. I don’t think
anyone actually expects me to select a cabinet that’s representative of the
regional balance of the country. So really, this should come as no surprise.”
While former PCs might be upset if Mr. MacKay is once again dumped like
unrecycled waste, Mr. Harper was rather philosophical on the whole matter.
“Now that I’m in charge,
who gives a crap what anyone thinks,” he laughed.
The Global Party of Canada
Whatever happened to Edward Slota? Whom, you ask, (and rightfully so) is Edward
Slota? Well, he was the glorious leader of the Global Party of Canada. He ran
in the last election, but in this one... nothing. And that’s a shame because
I’ve always thought the name – The Global Party of Canada – was great. It just
sounds fun! And as I recall, some of Edward’s policies were even funner!
“Share the wealth” was his motto. Kooky, yes, and while it works for me, I
don’t know how much I’d be loving it if I had tons of coin.
I dug up his old pamphlet and read it through and can’t understand why he didn’t
win the last election. According to the literature, his party “would ensure
that every man, woman and child was guaranteed (the bold letters
were in the pamphlet) to pay no taxes and receive a guaranteed
supplementary income of $3,000.00 per month.”
Apparently (and I love this!), “the Global Party of Canada was structured, with
a built-in element of surprise…”
Yup, structured with a “built-in element of surprise.” Sweet! And I’ve always
been a big fan of surprises!
But guess what? Edward Slota seems to have vanished into thin air.
Which, when you think about it, isn’t really that big a surprise.
Paul Martin Urges Voters to Consider
Harper’s Anatomy of Evil
Frankenstein is reported to be
"furious"
with Mr. Martin's latest comments
Paul Martin acknowledged
that there is a sentiment for change in the country but insisted that over the
last week of the campaign Canadians will increasingly realize that Stephen
Harper is in fact, an evil beast made out of the cloned body parts of some
of histories greatest monsters.
”He has the hair of Mao Zedong and like Mao, Mr. Harper would cut funding for
cities. He has the close set eyes of Bush and like Bush he will have nothing to
do with the Kyoto-accord. He has the fingernails of Jack the Ripper, or so I am
led to believe, and like Jack, he would create an unsafe environment for working
girls. He has the cranium of Frankenstein and like Frankenstein he would kill a
national daycare program, or at the very least accidentally drown a little girl
in a pond. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel like chasing him across
the countryside with a pitchfork in one hand and a torch in the other. Who’s
with me on this?”
The
sound of a cricket above the silence pretty much answered his question.
Mr. Harper who was
meeting with future minister of foreign affairs, Stockwell Day, said that as far
as he was concerned, Mr. Martin’s smears were an insult to fans of The Ripper,
Mao, George and Frankie.
”Besides,” the future PM added, “now that I have the backing of that socialist
rag, The Globe and Mail, the world is mine. Can you imagine? Them backing me!
It sure brings new meaning to the term 'liberal guilt.' Ha! Wait. Does
that joke make sense? Oh who cares, soon I'll be running this goddamned welfare
state. Bwehahahahahahaha!”
Mr. Frankenstein, on the
other hand, was far less amused than Mr. Harper by Mr. Martin's comments
and had some harsh words for him.
”Mrraggghh!” Frankenstein said, “Me no like fire and me no like being associated
with Harper! Mrraggh! Martin bad man to say so. Mraaghh! Martin make
Frankenstein mad. Frankenstein find Martin and crush him. Mragghhhh!”
Our
Latest Polls Show Apathy In Clear Lead
Apathy 40%
Cons 26%
Fibs 19%
Naive Dreamers 15%
My Primo Political Platforms
A Modest Military Proposal
For
Preventing The Army Of Canada From Being A Burden To Taxpayers.
Yes, it’s all very Swiftian, isn’t it?
Team Avery is, quite frankly, disgusted by the current state of Canada's
military. Equipment is obsolete or in a state of disrepair, supplies are low and
morale is even lower. The Canadian military has become an ill-equipped laughing
stock.
The way Team Avery sees it, we have two options.
Option one would be to make a massive reinvestment in Canada's armed forces. New
tanks, new weapons, new submarines, new state-of the art fighter jets. This type
of investment would renew Canadian pride in our armed forces and position Canada
as a leader in global security.
But that sounds like a lot of work and it's likely gonna cost a few bucks too.
So, here is the Team Avery option. It's cost-efficient and will get us the same
results.
Starve the Army.
That's right, starve the army. If our military men and women are going to be
effective fighters we want them mad, deliriously mad, insanely mad. So I say
disarm them, take away the comfy cots and mess halls and throw them deep into
the Northern Ontario bush with sharpened sticks and a couple pieces of flint. In
time, believe me, these guys will turn into feral monsters ready to rip the
heads of chickens, deer or any enemy we put in their path. The guys aren't that
far from this state right now anyway so I figure it's easier to strip away their
20 year old guns than it is to try and buy them a 3 billion dollar submarine.
Think of it, the Canadian Forces will be known far and wide as the freakiest,
nastiest, most loco mother f*****s this side of Mongolia. I don't know about
you, but if I were some country itchin' for a fight I'd rather battle the
milk-fed farm boy with an M-16 than the
naked, howling
wolf-boy with the handful of rocks and the crazy eyes.
New Ant Policy: Plus 15% More Fun!
Today’s gem of a policy paper is
on “Affordable Housing & Homelessness.”
FYI there’s none of the former and plenty of the latter…
(Like any good politiciant, my ideas are sensational and empty at the same
time... It's a gift.)
We here at Team Avery (I love saying that!), recognize that a lot of poverty
action groups support squats or tent cities in public parks but that is a
band-aid approach to a systemic problem. It is not sustainable and does nothing
to address the root causes of homelessness, poverty or address the dire lack of
affordable housing stock. Besides, when I go to park I want to see ducks, not
some guys washing his unmentionables in the fountain.
Team Avery's solution is simple: People Hills.
When elected, Team Avery will immediately initiate a research project to
determine the feasibility of creating mass underground people colonies to house
the homeless. As you may well know, Ants have been living in housing of this
nature for sometime and hey, one of us is running for Prime Minister, so it
obviously isn't a detriment to higher ambition. The way I see it, each colony
could house between 3 and 4 thousand homeless. In addition to providing
permanent housing, social benefits include the promotion of social interaction,
a sense of community, and it keeps people off the streets where they could
potentially have a detrimental affect on tourism, industry of just aesthetics.
And, on top of that, each colony would get to have its very own queen.
You can’t ask for more than that, and screw you if you do!
Educated Ant
I’m not book
smart. I never went to any sort of “school” but if I’m gonna be the Primo
Minister I figure I better have an Education Policy. So here it is…
My education policy is simple. More schools, fewer teachers, no students.
Think of the savings people!
The Environmental Ant
Okay everyone, another day another dullard… I mean another day, another
policy. This one’s my Environmental Policy and once you’ve read it, I think
you’ll all agree that I put the “mental” in environmental!
So here it is. Be informed, be very, very, informed…
Camp Avery is sick of the rhetoric about our responsibility to leave the
planet a better place for our children. Why do that, I ask you? What have your
children ever done for you? Do you really think that if we reduce greenhouse
emissions your kids are gonna think twice before they dump you in some
unregulated nursing farm (see health care policy - nursing farms). Dream on!
I say we should live large, use up what we got and let those snotty know-it-alls
find their own solution 40 years from now.
That's right folks, I'm talking smoke stacks on every corner and SUVs for all.
Let's party like it's 1959!
Vote for me and I’ll wash your car
Sure,
it's a cheap ploy, but
now that I have your attention... Here’s another incredibly amazing policy paper
of mine. It boggles my mind that people don’t take these things seriously...
This one’s on Governance and Accountability, might I suggest that all you
Liberals out there start taking notes?
Unlike the
other candidates (particularly the Liberals), I, Avery Ant, admit up front to
being greedy, larcenous and completely self-serving in my thirst for power. Will
my government be corrupt? Of course it will. But, with me at the helm it will be
controlled corruption, measured corruption, corruption you can count on and
account for. When elected, I commit here and now to stealing the cash equivalent
of 0.5% of the country's GNP* on an annual basis. Beyond that - I'm good.
So, as long as I'm firmly planted with my mouth in the trough, you can fully
expect that the remaining tax dollars in our country will be put to more mundane
uses like health care and education without any undue political interference or
- to be frank - interest.
As far as my Cabinet goes, I plan to adopt a zero tolerance approach. Any member
of my Cabinet caught with his hand in the cookie jar will be fired, publicly
humiliated and forced into exile in Sudbury. Any monies
misappropriated will be recovered through selling the television rights to the
public humiliation ceremonies which may range from a simple spanking (for minor
infractions) to tar and feathering to ruthless teasing and name calling.
*(0.5 of GNP is an estimate and may go higher depending on scope of gambling
debts).
Notice Me…
Ignore Local Government!
Here is my platform on Local Government. Look upon it and marvel:
Our cities are crumbling due to lack of appropriate funding levels. Cities need
additional financial tools to allow them to address transit, infrastructure and
social service issues. Cities need more independence, greater autonomy and
increased powers of taxation.
They need that stuff, but I won't give it to them. Know why? Cause I like the
idea of being the supreme power and making those goofy mayors dance for
quarters. It's funny watching their eyes pop out in frustration and listening to
them whinge about how they are the poor cousins.
This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
dancing
leprechauns
who is running for prime minister in canada
ant politician politicant
bastards coats of arms
program ant sex
jack layton on campaign trail
la avery fights
goofy doofy
world's biggest breasts
canadian election insanity
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 336
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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