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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
January 7
Avery's Campaign Journal 2006
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
New Ant Policy: Plus 15% More Fun!
Today’s gem of a policy paper is
on “Affordable Housing & Homelessness.”
FYI there’s none of the former and plenty of the latter…
(Like any good politiciant, my ideas are sensational and empty at the same
time... It's a gift.)
We here at Team Avery (I love saying that!), recognize that a lot of poverty
action groups support squats or tent cities in public parks but that is a
band-aid approach to a systemic problem. It is not sustainable and does nothing
to address the root causes of homelessness, poverty or address the dire lack of
affordable housing stock. Besides, when I go to park I want to see ducks, not
some guys washing his unmentionables in the fountain.
Team Avery's solution is simple: People Hills.
When elected, Team Avery will immediately initiate a research project to
determine the feasibility of creating mass underground people colonies to house
the homeless. As you may well know, Ants have been living in housing of this
nature for sometime and hey, one of us is running for Prime Minister, so it
obviously isn't a detriment to higher ambition. The way I see it, each colony
could house between 3 and 4 thousand homeless. In addition to providing
permanent housing, social benefits include the promotion of social interaction,
a sense of community, and it keeps people off the streets where they could
potentially have a detrimental affect on tourism, industry of just aesthetics.
And, on top of that, each colony would get to have its very own queen.
You can’t ask for more than that, and screw you if you do!
Educated Ant
I’m not book
smart. I never went to any sort of “school” but if I’m gonna be the Primo
Minister I figure I better have an Education Policy. So here it is…
My education policy is simple. More schools, fewer teachers, no students.
Think of the savings people!
The Environmental Ant
Okay everyone, another day another dullard… I mean another day, another
policy. This one’s my Environmental Policy and once you’ve read it, I think
you’ll all agree that I put the “mental” in environmental!
So here it is. Be informed, be very, very, informed…
Camp Avery is sick of the rhetoric about our responsibility to leave the
planet a better place for our children. Why do that, I ask you? What have your
children ever done for you? Do you really think that if we reduce greenhouse
emissions your kids are gonna think twice before they dump you in some
unregulated nursing farm (see health care policy - nursing farms). Dream on!
I say we should live large, use up what we got and let those snotty know-it-alls
find their own solution 40 years from now.
That's right folks, I'm talking smoke stacks on every corner and SUVs for all.
Let's party like it's 1959!
Vote for me and I’ll wash your car
Sure,
it's a cheap ploy, but
now that I have your attention... Here’s another incredibly amazing policy paper
of mine. It boggles my mind that people don’t take these things seriously...
This one’s on Governance and Accountability, might I suggest that all you
Liberals out there start taking notes?
Unlike the
other candidates (particularly the Liberals), I, Avery Ant, admit up front to
being greedy, larcenous and completely self-serving in my thirst for power. Will
my government be corrupt? Of course it will. But, with me at the helm it will be
controlled corruption, measured corruption, corruption you can count on and
account for. When elected, I commit here and now to stealing the cash equivalent
of 0.5% of the country's GNP* on an annual basis. Beyond that - I'm good.
So, as long as I'm firmly planted with my mouth in the trough, you can fully
expect that the remaining tax dollars in our country will be put to more mundane
uses like health care and education without any undue political interference or
- to be frank - interest.
As far as my Cabinet goes, I plan to adopt a zero tolerance approach. Any member
of my Cabinet caught with his hand in the cookie jar will be fired, publicly
humiliated and forced into exile in Sudbury. Any monies
misappropriated will be recovered through selling the television rights to the
public humiliation ceremonies which may range from a simple spanking (for minor
infractions) to tar and feathering to ruthless teasing and name calling.
*(0.5 of GNP is an estimate and may go higher depending on scope of gambling
debts).
Notice Me…
Ignore Local Government!
Here is my platform on Local Government. Look upon it and marvel:
Our cities are crumbling due to lack of appropriate funding levels. Cities need
additional financial tools to allow them to address transit, infrastructure and
social service issues. Cities need more independence, greater autonomy and
increased powers of taxation.
They need that stuff, but I won't give it to them. Know why? Cause I like the
idea of being the supreme power and making those goofy mayors dance for
quarters. It's funny watching their eyes pop out in frustration and listening to
them whinge about how they are the poor cousins.
This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
mike the caliph
ant farms canada
kilts with hairy legs and knobbly knees
terminally bored sit around lyrics
gerbil daisies wedding
right wing rants
canuck nuts
vote avery ant
james avery senator
taliban sex
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 351
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other very exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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