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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
January 5
Avery's Campaign Journal 2006
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
The Environmental Ant
Okay everyone, another day another dullard… I mean another day, another
policy. This one’s my Environmental Policy and once you’ve read it, I think
you’ll all agree that I put the “mental” in environmental!
So here it is. Be informed, be very, very, informed…
Camp Avery is sick of the rhetoric about our responsibility to leave the
planet a better place for our children. Why do that, I ask you? What have your
children ever done for you? Do you really think that if we reduce greenhouse
emissions your kids are gonna think twice before they dump you in some
unregulated nursing farm (see health care policy - nursing farms). Dream on!
I say we should live large, use up what we got and let those snotty know-it-alls
find their own solution 40 years from now.
That's right folks, I'm talking smoke stacks on every corner and SUVs for all.
Let's party like it's 1959!
Vote for me and I’ll wash your car
Okay,
now that I have your attention... Here’s another incredibly amazing policy paper
of mine. It boggles my mind that people don’t take these things seriously...
This one’s on Governance and Accountability, might I suggest that all you
Liberals out there start taking notes?
Unlike the
other candidates (particularly the Liberals), I, Avery Ant, admit up front to
being greedy, larcenous and completely self-serving in my thirst for power. Will
my government be corrupt? Of course it will. But, with me at the helm it will be
controlled corruption, measured corruption, corruption you can count on and
account for. When elected, I commit here and now to stealing the cash equivalent
of 0.5% of the country's GNP* on an annual basis. Beyond that - I'm good.
So, as long as I'm firmly planted with my mouth in the trough, you can fully
expect that the remaining tax dollars in our country will be put to more mundane
uses like health care and education without any undue political interference or
- to be frank - interest.
As far as my Cabinet goes, I plan to adopt a zero tolerance approach. Any member
of my Cabinet caught with his hand in the cookie jar will be fired, publicly
humiliated and forced into exile in the Falkland Islands. Any monies
misappropriated will be recovered through selling the television rights to the
public humiliation ceremonies which may range from a simple spanking (for minor
infractions) to tar and feathering to ruthless teasing and name calling.
*(0.5 of GNP is an estimate and may go higher depending on scope of gambling
debts).
Martini: “I pledge to get off my lazy ass and act like there’s an election
happening! But first I need to take a nap.” ”
Canadian Prime Minister The Great Paul Martini, behind in polls after a slow
start to his re-election campaign, pledged on Monday to “finally try and show
some interest.”
"I’m thinking copious apologies and lots of Conservative fear mongering,” said
the Great Martin, looking relaxed in an open-necked dress shirt and wearing a
sedated and empty grin on his face.
"I'm
actually keen to get at it," he told me, “what the hell, it’s not like I’ve got
anything better to do.”
Martini seems to have finally clued in that his strategy of running on the
Liberal record just wasn’t all that bright.
"I thought people would have forgotten about all the corruption, but they can be
so anal sometimes,” said Martini.
The
67-year-old prime minister said he would be making certain policy announcements,
“as soon as I think some up.”
Martini said he was inspired to do some “real politicking” once he saw the
latest Ipsos-Reid poll which put public support for the Conservatives at 33
percent compared with 32 percent for the Liberals.
”That was a real wake up call,” he said while putting his head down on his desk
and drifting off.
Now Maybe
People Will Pay The Clowns The Attention They So Richly Don’t Deserve…
Things are all
tied up with the Fibs and Reformers, but my numbers are still disappointing (NDP
disappointing) to say the least. But now that the holidays are pretty much a
wrap, I’m figuring voters will start paying more attention to what this ant has
to say.
So here is my platform on Local Government. Look upon it and marvel:
Our cities are crumbling due to lack of appropriate funding levels. Cities need
additional financial tools to allow them to address transit, infrastructure and
social service issues. Cities need more independence, greater autonomy and
increased powers of taxation.
They need that stuff, but I won't give it to them. Know why? Cause I like the
idea of being the supreme power and making those goofy mayors dance for
quarters. It's funny watching their eyes pop out in frustration and listening to
them whinge about how they are the poor cousins.
“Sound Blight”
Jack’s Silly Talk
As we all know, Jack “Sound Blight” Layton loves to
spout on his rhetoric pipe and get all frothy, bothered and uppity. And oh, the
wacky things he says!
Jack’s comments during the last election that the Great Martini was responsible
for the death of a homeless man; the death of rock n’ roll; the death of God;
death of
Nietzsche, as well as the death of the TV sitcom, was one of my favorite
moments.
Jack Gets Testy
And in true Layton form, he’s still steaming over the puerile comedy stylings of
Mike Klander. You see, it’s just not enough for Jack that no one found
Klander’s chow chow bon mots in any way hilarious or that Klander has wound up
as the unfunny punch line in this adventure of comic shortcomings. Oh no,
“Sound Blight” Jack has decided to call it racist and compare it to a sign in a
Shanghai park that read “no Chinese or dogs allowed.”
Hmm, no, not really very close, I say. But, anything to get noticed, I
suppose. After all, when you’re the “Where’s Waldo” of this political race, you
take that little bit of nothing and make it into everything you can. You go
Jack!
Ad Attack
Finally, after waging the first half of the campaign primarily on the high
ground of policy (and fooling no one), the fellers are bracing for an onslaught
of ugly personal attacks and negative ads that, let’s be frank, we’ve all been
waiting for.
In the guise of forewarning voters that desperate Liberals will get
down and dirty in the New Year (Party!!!) , the Conservatives fired a
pre-emptive salvo Friday with an aggressive new television ad. Bweehahaha! I’m
loving it already!
The ad
features a black and white close-up of a grim-faced, blood sucking (I think it’s
blood, but remember, the ad is in black and white) Prime Minister Paul Martini,
while an unseen speaker intones darkly: "When you've been skulking and creeping
and in power for 12 long years, when your party has been named by a judicial
investigation into corruption, when scandals, sleaze, and, maybe even sexing it
up with prostitutes continue to engulf your government, isn’t only logical that
the next step is eating our children?”
It’s a powerful ad. Well shot and nicely edited. And the trough montage is
really quite amazing.
But I still think they should settle their differences on the ice...
This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
mike the caliph
ant farms canada
kilts with hairy legs and knobbly knees
terminally bored sit around lyrics
gerbil daisies wedding
right wing rants
canuck nuts
vote avery ant
james avery senator
taliban sex
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 353
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other very exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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