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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
January 3
Avery's Campaign Journal 2006
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Martini: “I pledge to get off my lazy ass and act like there’s an election
happening! But first I need to take a nap.” ”
Canadian Prime Minister The Great Paul Martini, behind in polls after a slow
start to his re-election campaign, pledged on Monday to “finally try and show
some interest.”
"I’m thinking copious apologies and lots of Conservative fear mongering,” said
the Great Martin, looking relaxed in an open-necked dress shirt and wearing a
sedated and empty grin on his face.
"I'm
actually keen to get at it," he told me, “what the hell, it’s not like I’ve got
anything better to do.”
Martini seems to have finally clued in that his strategy of running on the
Liberal record just wasn’t all that bright.
"I thought people would have forgotten about all the corruption, but they can be
so anal sometimes,” said Martini.
The
67-year-old prime minister said he would be making certain policy announcements,
“as soon as I think some up.”
Martini said he was inspired to do some “real politicking” once he saw the
latest Ipsos-Reid poll which put public support for the Conservatives at 33
percent compared with 32 percent for the Liberals.
”That was a real wake up call,” he said while putting his head down on his desk
and drifting off.
Now Maybe
People Will Pay The Clowns The Attention They So Richly Don’t Deserve…
Things are all
tied up with the Fibs and Reformers, but my numbers are still disappointing (NDP
disappointing) to say the least. But now that the holidays are pretty much a
wrap, I’m figuring voters will start paying more attention to what this ant has
to say.
So here is my platform on Local Government. Look upon it and marvel:
Our cities are crumbling due to lack of appropriate funding levels. Cities need
additional financial tools to allow them to address transit, infrastructure and
social service issues. Cities need more independence, greater autonomy and
increased powers of taxation.
They need that stuff, but I won't give it to them. Know why? Cause I like the
idea of being the supreme power and making those goofy mayors dance for
quarters. It's funny watching their eyes pop out in frustration and listening to
them whinge about how they are the poor cousins.
“Sound Blight”
Jack’s Silly Talk
As we all know, Jack “Sound Blight” Layton loves to
spout on his rhetoric pipe and get all frothy, bothered and uppity. And oh, the
wacky things he says!
Jack’s comments during the last election that the Great Martini was responsible
for the death of a homeless man; the death of rock n’ roll; the death of God;
death of
Nietzsche, as well as the death of the TV sitcom, was one of my favorite
moments.
Jack Gets Testy
And in true Layton form, he’s still steaming over the puerile comedy stylings of
Mike Klander. You see, it’s just not enough for Jack that no one found
Klander’s chow chow bon mots in any way hilarious or that Klander has wound up
as the unfunny punch line in this adventure of comic shortcomings. Oh no,
“Sound Blight” Jack has decided to call it racist and compare it to a sign in a
Shanghai park that read “no Chinese or dogs allowed.”
Hmm, no, not really very close, I say. But, anything to get noticed, I
suppose. After all, when you’re the “Where’s Waldo” of this political race, you
take that little bit of nothing and make it into everything you can. You go
Jack!
Ad Attack
Finally, after waging the first half of the campaign primarily on the high
ground of policy (and fooling no one), the fellers are bracing for an onslaught
of ugly personal attacks and negative ads that, let’s be frank, we’ve all been
waiting for.
In the guise of forewarning voters that desperate Liberals will get
down and dirty in the New Year (Party!!!) , the Conservatives fired a
pre-emptive salvo Friday with an aggressive new television ad. Bweehahaha! I’m
loving it already!
The ad
features a black and white close-up of a grim-faced, blood sucking (I think it’s
blood, but remember, the ad is in black and white) Prime Minister Paul Martini,
while an unseen speaker intones darkly: "When you've been skulking and creeping
and in power for 12 long years, when your party has been named by a judicial
investigation into corruption, when scandals, sleaze, and, maybe even sexing it
up with prostitutes continue to engulf your government, isn’t only logical that
the next step is eating our children?”
It’s a powerful ad. Well shot and nicely edited. And the trough montage is
really quite amazing.
But I still think they should settle their differences on the ice...
Good Ol’ Goodale
Prime Minister
Paul Martini says he stands behind his finance minister, who will not resign
despite an RCMP probe.
Calling
Ralph Goodale a good and honest man who can take a good and honest probing,
Martini said that Goodale will remain in charge of the country's
good and honest finances. "He is a person of the greatest integrity. Probe away on him. He will
not be stepping down… Unless the probing involves some kind of alien probing
that no longer allows him to be able to physically step down. If that’s the
case then okay, ‘literally’ he won’t be able to step down. But metaphorically
he still won’t step down… If you know what I mean. Look, technically, I’m
still on holidays, okay? So, don’t quote me on any of this,” the Great Martini
said.
This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
mike the caliph
ant farms canada
kilts with hairy legs and knobbly knees
terminally bored sit around lyrics
gerbil daisies wedding
right wing rants
canuck nuts
vote avery ant
james avery senator
taliban sex
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 355
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other very exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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