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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
Happy New Year!
Avery's Campaign Journal 2006
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
“Sound Blight”
Jack’s Silly Talk
As we all know, Jack “Sound Blight” Layton loves to
spout on his rhetoric pipe and get all frothy, bothered and uppity. And oh, the
wacky things he says!
Jack’s comments during the last election that the Great Martini was responsible
for the death of a homeless man; the death of rock n’ roll; the death of God;
death of
Nietzsche, as well as the death of the TV sitcom, was one of my favorite
moments.
Jack Gets Testy
And in true Layton form, he’s still steaming over the puerile comedy stylings of
Mike Klander. You see, it’s just not enough for Jack that no one found
Klander’s chow chow bon mots in any way hilarious or that Klander has wound up
as the unfunny punch line in this adventure of comic shortcomings. Oh no,
“Sound Blight” Jack has decided to call it racist and compare it to a sign in a
Shanghai park that read “no Chinese or dogs allowed.”
Hmm, no, not really very close, I say. But, anything to get noticed, I
suppose. After all, when you’re the “Where’s Waldo” of this political race, you
take that little bit of nothing and make it into everything you can. You go
Jack!
Ad Attack
Finally, after waging the first half of the campaign primarily on the high
ground of policy (and fooling no one), the fellers are bracing for an onslaught
of ugly personal attacks and negative ads that, let’s be frank, we’ve all been
waiting for.
In the guise of forewarning voters that desperate Liberals will get
down and dirty in the New Year (Party!!!) , the Conservatives fired a
pre-emptive salvo Friday with an aggressive new television ad. Bweehahaha! I’m
loving it already!
The ad
features a black and white close-up of a grim-faced, blood sucking (I think it’s
blood, but remember, the ad is in black and white) Prime Minister Paul Martini,
while an unseen speaker intones darkly: "When you've been skulking and creeping
and in power for 12 long years, when your party has been named by a judicial
investigation into corruption, when scandals, sleaze, and, maybe even sexing it
up with prostitutes continue to engulf your government, isn’t only logical that
the next step is eating our children?”
It’s a powerful ad. Well shot and nicely edited. And the trough montage is
really quite amazing.
But I still think they should settle their differences on the ice...
Good Ol’ Goodale
Prime Minister
Paul Martini says he stands behind his finance minister, who will not resign
despite an RCMP probe.
Calling
Ralph Goodale a good and honest man who can take a good and honest probing,
Martini said that Goodale will remain in charge of the country's
good and honest finances. "He is a person of the greatest integrity. Probe away on him. He will
not be stepping down… Unless the probing involves some kind of alien probing
that no longer allows him to be able to physically step down. If that’s the
case then okay, ‘literally’ he won’t be able to step down. But metaphorically
he still won’t step down… If you know what I mean. Look, technically, I’m
still on holidays, okay? So, don’t quote me on any of this,” the Great Martini
said.
In the Holiday Spirit of "Fat Jokes by Lazy Comedy Writers..."
Oh oh…
Looks like my concerns about Harpo’s blossoming new rolls of blubber were legitimate.
Harpo Fatso
Somebody get this chunky monkey to a gym!
Green
Party from Mars
That Party from Mars aka "The Green Party" have managed to get into the
news and once again it’s thanks to their moral indignation. The Greeners are
demanding retractions from a former member of its governing council and a former
national organizer who have alleged that Leader Jim Harris and other officials
are SUV loving hypocrites who frequently toss out printer cartridges with their
regular garbage and who don’t know the difference between a blue box and a green
box.
And it’s an apology the Party from Mars actually deserves.
Over a year ago Mr. Harris starred in a TV Commercial (written by yours truly)
explaining to neophyte green bin Torontonians how to make sense of the many
complexities of multi-recycling.
Here’s a transcript of this minor work of art:
EXT. FRONT OF
JIM’S HOUSE -- DAY
Jim Harris enters screen carrying a bag of garbage.
Jim: Toronto is finally entering the enlightened age of -- the
green bin. And folks, our recycling lives just got a lot more complicated.
EXT. STREET -- DAY
Average recycling guy Jim Harris is walking his green bin -- and his cat!
Jim: So now we have
blue, grey and green. They’re 3 colours that, interestingly enough, no
country in the world has ever used together for their flag. Our new green bin
has the structural design of a step-on garbage can without the convenience of
the foot pedal. And before we store it in a convenient location – you know,
crammed somewhere in that mountain of recycling bins growing in the garage –
we’re asked to wash it with soap and water. Hey, I’m enjoying it already!
INT. JIM’S BATHROOM – DAY
Jim Harris is having a bath and washing his green bin.
Jim: The Green Bin
also comes with a handy-dandy sheet telling you what you can and can’t recycle.
Just so you know, it’s a big YES on your pet’s waste, and a NO to your pet’s fur
-- I always get those two confused... It’s a NO on dryer lint and a resounding
YES on soiled paper towels. A YES on meat, but NO on meat tray liners. Once
that's straightened out, you can just sit back and wait for the raccoons to show
up!
EXT. JIM'S BACK YARD -- DAY
Jim Harris stands proudly in front of his many recycling bins.
Jim: It’s just what we need: To spend more quality time separating our organics.
And if we get too good at it and wind up with overflow green bin material, we’re
advised to put it in a see-through plastic bag beside our bin. Or we can BUY a
second green bin for our growing composting habit. Ah yes, the first one’s
always free, isn’t it?
EXT. JIM’S FRONT PORCH -- DAY
Jim Harris smokes a pipe on his front porch. .
Jim:
According to the green bin literature, you should start separating your
organics and placing them in your green bin the week before. I guess that’s
a better plan than waiting until the last minute and then rummaging through your
garbage bags for coffee grounds and egg shells. Sure, it’s all a little
confusing, but the bin collection
doesn’t start until the week of October 18. Which gives me plenty of time to
really get to know my garbage.
This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
carl rove
sinister sex symbol
fine flemish greeting
down a dark chimney
joke slingers
bush is a robot
cartoon groin kick
slogan and smoke
avery lice
ant politician
anti tom cruise
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 357
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
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"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
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