"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
February 15
Imaginary
Girlfriend
Like every
other teenage boy, I had an imaginary girlfriend. And I have to say that she
was a real beauty! Yeah it was embarrassing when I’d accidentally sit on her but
she was cool with it. Her favorite movie was Harvey. I plastered her picture all
over my walls. Then I got her pregnant. I couldn’t figure it out. I mean I used
an imaginary condom. My parents set up an intervention and told me she didn’t
exist. I told them we all have our faults and called them racists. But it didn’t
work out. She was imaginary and I’m a pismire. I still can’t believe I’ll never
see her again.
February 14
My Bloody Valentine
Ah, February 14th and everyone who’s single is the biggest sad sack
in the world. For that one day! Come February 15th the bond of love
is just some wilting day-old flowers and a life partner whose farts still stink.
I guess that’s what you get from a day named after a Roman who was beaten with
clubs and decapitated for not giving up his Christianity. Maybe that’s why you
folks have found a more palpable figurehead in a fat naked baby with a crossbow.
Love and sacrifice are one and the same in that they’re both dangerous. If love
doesn’t shoot you through the heart it might take out your head. And trust me,
that’s one messy pool of hemoglobin and skull fragments. Which begs the
question: Will you be my bloody valentine? But let’s not forget the chocolates!
That’s the best part isn’t it? If you were to ask me, I’d guess that most people
don’t have great sex on Valentine’s Day but they do have super bonbons.
Now there’s a pithy slogan you won’t see on a Hallmark card.
February 13
Dead Eye Dick Cheney Shoots A Man!
Vice
President Dick Cheney shot and injured a man during a weekend quail hunting trip
in Texas, his spokeswoman said Sunday.
Harry Whittington, 78, who admitted that he “always figured I’d get shot by the
vice president” was listed as “alert and ready to sue” after Cheney sprayed him
with shotgun pellets on Saturday.
The vice
president is unrepentant, “It was in my best interest to
shoot him. Our country is once again safe and secure – and all thanks to
me,” Mr. Cheney stated.
Fortunately for Whittington, while the vice president may not be the most
accurate shot, he is also a very sick man who is not long for this earth and so
he has a lot of medical people around him who were quick to attend to the
wounded hunter.
This event confirms what we all know
– guns don't hurt people, idiotic vice
president's using them do.
February 12
Curious
George – The Movie
Turns
out Curious George wasn't kidnapped. Heck no, that crazy little monkey is a stowaway!
And like all Hollywood films, it completely sugar coats the true facts about the
monkey and the Man in the Yellow Hat.
Here's the REAL ending...
The Uncensored Curious George Epilogue
Also: Just for fun,
an ant rant… Curious
George
February 11
Cartoon Without Caption Offends Everyone
Even the Godless are pissed off!
February 10
Shocking
Revelation – Freud’s Evil Twin Brother
Freud Fraud
The Vienna Crier
has printed excerpts from a long lost journal categorically proving
famous psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud had an evil twin brother who was the real
mastermind behind all of today’s pernicious Freudian Psychology and its
resulting psychobabble.
Evil
twin brother, Felix Freud is now being named as the fiend and the
“brains” behind the castration complex, penis envy, the theory of the
unconscious, infantile sexuality, and the “Big 3.” The Id, Ego, and Super Ego
(his brother, Sigmund, wanted to call them Huey, Dewey and Louie).
According to Sigmund, evil twin Felix was known for his wicked sense of humour and once
suggested to naive twin brother Ziggy, “Go show mother your Bavarian sausage and tell
her that you know for a fact she wishes she had one. Oh, and then read Oedipus.”
February 9
Prime Minister Hippo
Look at me! I'm gorging from the trough!!!
From The Globe & Mail. You know
them, they're the paper that endorsed Stephen Harper...
"Even as he creates a new rule that former ministers and ministerial staff
and senior public servants cannot lobby the federal government for five years
after they leave their jobs, Mr. Harper has named a former defence lobbyist to
the position of defence minister... That the Prime Minister sees no
contradiction is cause for worry."
Gretzky - Good friend, lousy husband
Remember when
Janet Gretzky was hit with a puck and hospitalized during a hockey game she
attended? Remember that the only reason she was at that hockey game was to see her hubby play in
it? Remember how after she was carted away, good ol’
Wayne just kept playing? Remember thinking, “Gee, this guy should get the
‘Husband of the Year Award’"?
Well, Mr. Family Man did it again!
When Wayne was asked about the charges facing Rick “The Gambler” Tocchet, good
ol’ Wayne said, “Everyone in the world is innocent until proven guilty… He’s a
good guy and a great friend.”
What a pal.
When asked about his “actress”
wife’s involvement in this mess, good ol’ Wayne said, “You’d have to ask her.”
What a husband!
This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
a pimple on a
donkey's butt
tickle fight
gonzo rants
why man's nipple sticks inward
image of satan
man in yellow hat with gun
george bush armpit fart campaign
pope's job
janet gretzky hit by puck
putting the blocks to
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Only 314
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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