"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
December 29
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
That Party from Mars aka "The Green Party" have managed to get into the
news and once again it’s thanks to their moral indignation. The Greeners are
demanding retractions from a former member of its governing council and a former
national organizer who have alleged that Leader Jim Harris and other officials
are SUV loving hypocrites who frequently toss out printer cartridges with their
regular garbage and who don’t know the difference between a blue box and a green
box.
And it’s an apology the Party from Mars actually deserves.
Over a year ago Mr. Harris starred in a TV Commercial (written by yours truly)
explaining to neophyte green bin Torontonians how to make sense of the many
complexities of multi-recycling.
Here’s a transcript of this minor work of art:
EXT. FRONT OF
JIM’S HOUSE -- DAY
Jim Harris enters screen carrying a bag of garbage.
Jim: Toronto is finally entering the enlightened age of -- the
green bin. And folks, our recycling lives just got a lot more complicated.
EXT. STREET -- DAY
Average recycling guy Jim Harris is walking his green bin -- and his cat!
Jim: So now we have
blue, grey and green. They’re 3 colours that, interestingly enough, no
country in the world has ever used together for their flag. Our new green bin
has the structural design of a step-on garbage can without the convenience of
the foot pedal. And before we store it in a convenient location – you know,
crammed somewhere in that mountain of recycling bins growing in the garage –
we’re asked to wash it with soap and water. Hey, I’m enjoying it already!
INT. JIM’S BATHROOM – DAY
Jim Harris is having a bath and washing his green bin.
Jim: The Green Bin
also comes with a handy-dandy sheet telling you what you can and can’t recycle.
Just so you know, it’s a big YES on your pet’s waste, and a NO to your pet’s fur
-- I always get those two confused... It’s a NO on dryer lint and a resounding
YES on soiled paper towels. A YES on meat, but NO on meat tray liners. Once
that's straightened out, you can just sit back and wait for the raccoons to show
up!
EXT. JIM'S BACK YARD -- DAY
Jim Harris stands proudly in front of his many recycling bins.
Jim: It’s just what we need: To spend more quality time separating our organics.
And if we get too good at it and wind up with overflow green bin material, we’re
advised to put it in a see-through plastic bag beside our bin. Or we can BUY a
second green bin for our growing composting habit. Ah yes, the first one’s
always free, isn’t it?
EXT. JIM’S FRONT PORCH -- DAY
Jim Harris smokes a pipe on his front porch. .
Jim:
According to the green bin literature, you should start separating your
organics and placing them in your green bin the week before. I guess that’s
a better plan than waiting until the last minute and then rummaging through your
garbage bags for coffee grounds and egg shells. Sure, it’s all a little
confusing, but the bin collection
doesn’t start until the week of October 18. Which gives me plenty of time to
really get to know my garbage.
Stephen Harper's Weight
Conservative Leader Stephen Harper says his party would enact a veterans' bill
of rights if voted into government. But more importantly – don’t you think he’s
looking kind of fat these days?
Is Harpo's wait to
get into Sussex Drive affecting his weight?
When I saw him on the news I thought he was looking chunky. Even more chunky
than as of late. Folks... I don't think this is Xmas fat.
The truth is he's been packing on the pounds for a while now.
This image, which I like to call, "Get It Off Me!" is from
My December 6 Journal Note the burgeoning rotundity that I fear may be
connected to some kind of greater psychological "hunger." Pretty fat, huh?
Could he be pregnant? At this point it's all speculation. One thing is for
certain: I'll be keeping my eye on his waistline.
More later!
This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
carl rove
sinister sex symbol
fine flemish greeting
down a dark chimney
joke slingers
bush is a robot
cartoon groin kick
slogan and smoke
avery lice
ant politician
anti tom cruise
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Artwork by Brian McPhail
A Little Something about Nothing
“Nothing,” Henry told his dinner date just before the bill arrived, “is nothing
more than a noun. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Nothing doesn’t mean
anything, it’s not about anything, it’s the ultimate in nonexistence. You know
what that means?”
Henry’s tired date suspected she did but said nothing. She’d figured this was
another one of his questions that he and he alone would answer.
“Nothing.” Henry confirmed. “Since it doesn’t exist, there’s really nothing that
can be said.” He half raised his wine glass. “But I ramble on about nothing...”
His dinner date gave him a smile that turned into a yawn. She sipped on the
Chardonnay that she felt lacked “something.”
With nothing else to say she jokingly told Henry that the truth was the only
thing she knew about nothing was that they had nothing in common.
Henry stirred… Here, right in front of him, with her elbow slumped over her
half eaten plate of Curried Chicken was maybe a soul mate; letting him know that
they had connected. That they had, “nothing” in common.
“Our having nothing in common immediately joins us together in a shared belief,”
he wheezed. “Our belief in nothing… Isn’t that something?”
She said nothing. Henry felt somewhat encouraged.
“I’ve always wondered,” he said, “if we, that is, you and I, engage in something
that isn’t about nothing, are we doing something about nothing?”
Fifteen minutes later he drove her home.
As Henry courteously dropped her off he knew not to ask if she wanted to see him
again.
He looked up at the moon and the stars laughing down at him and he laughed
back.
And that was something.
Only
360
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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