"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
December 28
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
A rather unfortunate member of the Liberal Party (are there any other kind?) has
resigned over profane, racially charged, and (even worse) unfunny critiques on
his personal website of NDP candidate Olivia Chow, Conservative Rahim Jaffer and
others (including The Professor and Mary Ann, whom he called “White Bread
Conservative Fascists”).
Mike Klander, executive vice-president of the federal Liberals' Ontario wing,
and would be joke slinger decided it would stupendously hilarious to include a
picture of Ms. Chow next to a picture of a chow chow dog under the title
"Separated at Birth" on his website. Riot! It's this kind of scathing, witty,
insightful comedy that really pierces the observational veil of political
humour. Either that or it's just lame crap.
You decide.
It's a short journey to
Mike’s
Musings
The liberal comedy monster took down his blog once he realized no one
thought it was as sparklingly funny as he did. But a Google search engine
begged to differ, retained a snapshot of the site and now Klander's comic gold gems have joined that
great
comedy bastion we lovingly know as the "glorious bitch" internet.
Oh, and for the record (and I'm
only semi-proud of it), Mike stole his chow chow joke from me:
The Original Chow Chow …So now you know.
(FYI: Most every “compare the politician to an animal” political joke
can always be traced back to me. Sadly, it's my "thing.")
Anyway, back to the witty and plagiarizing Mr. Klander: In a Nov. 28 posting he
gave us a list of "the top 10 things that will make me sick" during the election
campaign. There was no mention of overeating or boozing or Liberal
corruption but there were some rather
lazy pot shots at rival politicians. I went in hoping for droll insight and
some classic vomit jokes and Mr. Klander gave me a top 10 list that deserved a top 10 list
on why his top 10 list sucked vomit. Buckets of the stuff.
A more ambitious posting of Mike’s described NDP Leader Jack Layton as the
"Asshole of the week." But as usual, Mr. Klander didn't go anywhere with this
freshly mined bit of comic potential. There was no side-splitting riffing, no toilet jokes, no potty
puns, in fact, no policy/poop gags to be found… Instead of verbal diarrhea
I got constipated comedy. And that's always kind of letdown, isn't it?
Liberal spokesman Stephen Heckbert, who has been working in the Liberal
campaign's Toronto office, noted that as a Liberal, he would be distancing himself from Mr. Klander right away.
"At first I thought his comments were funny. Then when it was pointed out to me
that they weren’t, I no longer felt that way,” Mr. Heckbert said, “later I
realized, I’d never met the man or heard of him. So I don’t who this fellow is
or what you’re talking about. “
Last Christmas is so 2005...
Artwork by Brian McPhail
A Little Something about Nothing
“Nothing,” Henry told his dinner date just before the bill arrived, “is nothing
more than a noun. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Nothing doesn’t mean
anything, it’s not about anything, it’s the ultimate in nonexistence. You know
what that means?”
Henry’s tired date suspected she did but said nothing. She’d figured this was
another one of his questions that he and he alone would answer.
“Nothing.” Henry confirmed. “Since it doesn’t exist, there’s really nothing that
can be said.” He half raised his wine glass. “But I ramble on about nothing...”
His dinner date gave him a smile that turned into a yawn. She sipped on the
Chardonnay that she felt lacked “something.”
With nothing else to say she jokingly told Henry that the truth was the only
thing she knew about nothing was that they had nothing in common.
Henry stirred… Here, right in front of him, with her elbow slumped over her
half eaten plate of Curried Chicken was maybe a soul mate; letting him know that
they had connected. That they had, “nothing” in common.
“Our having nothing in common immediately joins us together in a shared belief,”
he wheezed. “Our belief in nothing… Isn’t that something?”
She said nothing. Henry felt somewhat encouraged.
“I’ve always wondered,” he said, “if we, that is, you and I, engage in something
that isn’t about nothing, are we doing something about nothing?”
Fifteen minutes later he drove her home.
As Henry courteously dropped her off he knew not to ask if she wanted to see him
again.
He looked up at the moon and the stars laughing down at him and laughed
back.
And that was something.
This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
carl rove
sinister sex symbol
fine flemish greeting
down a dark chimney
joke slingers
bush is a robot
cartoon groin kick
slogan and smoke
avery lice
ant politician
anti tom cruise
Only
361
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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