"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
December 28
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
A rather unfortunate member of the Liberal Party (are there any other kind?) has
resigned over profane, racially charged, and (even worse) unfunny critiques on
his personal website of NDP candidate Olivia Chow, Conservative Rahim Jaffer and
others (including The Professor and Mary Ann, whom he called “White Bread
Conservative Fascists”).
Mike Klander, executive vice-president of the federal Liberals' Ontario wing,
and would be joke slinger decided it would stupendously hilarious to include a
picture of Ms. Chow next to a picture of a chow chow dog under the title
"Separated at Birth" on his website. Not only is that a riot, it's also sharp,
edgy comedy that pierces the social veil of political truth! Either that or it's
lame crap.
In case you’re interested here are Mike’s
Musings The comedy monster took down his blog once he realized no one
thought it was as terribly funny and insightful as he did. However, a Google
search engine retained a snapshot of the site so that it may live forever in the
comedy bastion that is the internet. Hoorah!
Oh, and for the record (and I'm not all that proud of this) Mike stole his comic
gold chow chow joke from me:
The Original Chow Chow …So now you know the origin of this sorry outing.
(FYI: In fact, the always lame, “compare the politician to animal” political
jokes can always be traced back to me... Unfortunately, it's my "thing.")
Anyway, back to the witty and plagiarizing Mr. Klander: In a Nov. 28 posting he
gave us a list of "the top 10 things that will make me sick" during the election
campaign. There was no mention of overeating or boozing it up but just some
lazy pot shots at rival politicians. I went in looking for droll insight and
all Mr. Klander delivered was really watered down Letterman jokes that wouldn't
have made the cut. Sorry, make that Leno jokes that wouldn't have made the cut.
A more ambitious posting of Mike’s described NDP Leader Jack Layton as the
"Asshole of the week." But once again Mr. Klander decided not to go
anywhere with this bit of comic potential. Not a speck of comic riffing, not a
toilet joke, no potty puns, in fact, no policy/poop gags were to be found…
Instead of wicked and stinging verbal
diarrhea, I got constipated
comedy. (You can have that one for free Mr. Klander.)
Liberal spokesman Stephen Heckbert, who has been working in the Liberal
campaign's Toronto office, noted that he would be distancing himself from Mr.
Klander right away.
"At first I thought his comments were funny. Then when it was pointed out to me
that they weren’t, I no longer felt that way,” Mr. Heckbert said, “later I
realized, I’d never met the man or heard of him. So I don’t who this fellow is
or what you’re talking about. “
 Last Christmas is so 2005...
Artwork by Brian McPhail
A Little Something about Nothing
“Nothing,” Henry told his dinner date just before the bill arrived, “is nothing
more than a noun. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Nothing doesn’t mean
anything, it’s not about anything, it’s the ultimate in nonexistence. You know
what that means?”
Henry’s tired date suspected she did but said nothing. She’d figured this was
another one of his questions that he and he alone would answer.
“Nothing.” Henry confirmed. “Since it doesn’t exist, there’s really nothing that
can be said.” He half raised his wine glass. “But I ramble on about nothing...”
His dinner date gave him a smile that turned into a yawn. She sipped on the
Chardonnay that she felt lacked “something.”
With nothing else to say she jokingly told Henry that the truth was the only
thing she knew about nothing was that they had nothing in common.
Henry stirred… Here, right in front of him, with her elbow slumped over her
half eaten plate of Curried Chicken was maybe a soul mate; letting him know that
they had connected. That they had, “nothing” in common.
“Our having nothing in common immediately joins us together in a shared belief,”
he wheezed. “Our belief in nothing… Isn’t that something?”
She said nothing. Henry felt somewhat encouraged.
“I’ve always wondered,” he said, “if we, that is, you and I, engage in something
that isn’t about nothing, are we doing something about nothing?”
Fifteen minutes later he drove her home.
As Henry courteously dropped her off he knew not to ask if she wanted to see him
again.
He looked up at the moon and the stars, laughing down at him and he laughed
back. And that was something.
This Week's 10 Fun Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
carl rove
sinister sex symbol
fine flemish greeting
down a dark chimney
joke slingers
bush is a robot
cartoon groin kick
slogan and smoke
avery lice
ant politician
anti tom cruise
Only
361
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other very exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
|
