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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
December 10
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Ask
Ralph!
"If I were a betting man, I’d say
there
would be another Liberal minority.”
Are
you a Conservative who likes to screw over other Conservatives? Do you need
advice on what inappropriate things to say in order to ensure that the federal
right wing political party never wins? If so, the solution to your problems is
here!
Dear Ralph: You’ve
sworn at the homeless, plagiarized essays, admitted that Pinochet
was a hero of yours and
confessed that if you hadn’t “sort of” stopped drinking you’d probably be dead.
You’ve also said that you’re sharper and more alert now that you don’t arrive at
work with a hangover. Obviously, you’ve been busy. Plus, you’re a smoker who
allows MLAs to smoke in their offices... Oh, and
you’re not concerned that this decision to maintain smoking rooms in the
legislature breaks a promise you made last spring to make the building entirely
smoke free.
"I don't care," I
believe, were your exact words. Anyway, my question is this: I’m a
self-loathing, chain-smoking, dictator-loving, homeless-hating, Conservative
functional drunk, is that enough to help quash my party’s chances of winning a
federal election?
Rove4evr, Edmonton, AL
Dear Rove4evr: No! What the Hell are you, an idiot? You can only really mess up
the Federal Conservatives chances if you’re a big shot Premiere like me. But
still, you got moxie and I like your style. Obviously there’s lots of potential
here. Now listen up, there are things you can do to put people off you, and
thus, the Reform, I mean, Conservative Party. First off, keep smoking and being
a verbally abusive drunk. Do it in public (of course) and always, always,
always, announce that as a true and proud Conservative it is your God given
right to do these things. Don’t forget to blow second hand smoke in pregnant
ladies’ faces. If they object, tell them you don’t care and call their husbands
fags. Don’t
muzzle yourself on the contentious topic of health-care reform. If someone asks
you what you think of the environment, tell them it should be bled of all its
natural resources. In fact, when talking about the environment, try and use the
word “rape” if you can; it has lots of lousy connotations. If someone asks you
about gay rights, look appalled and tell them you personally find gay marriage
obscene, sick, and a disgusting practice of degenerates who should be
sterilized. And then back all this up saying, “I cannot tell a lie. If I'm asked
the question, I have to provide an honest answer.” I use this excuse all the
time and trust me, it always works – in that it really messes up the
Conservatives, sorry, I mean Reform, no, wait, the Conservatives’ chances of
winning of a Federal election. I hope this helps you sabotage your party. If
not, then you’re doing something wrong. Remember, just keep shooting off your
mouth and saying whatever comes into your head: The crazier the better.
Meet the
Clowns!
Daily
Link-O-Ramas (A Baker's Dozen)
Impressive...
2005 Yo-Yo Champion: Takayasu Tanaka
Even more so
Amazing Guitar Player!
Lawyer:
What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 15th.
Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year.
Oh Those Courtroom Quotes
When Things Just Fall In Your Lap
You’ve
come a long way baby! A rather amusing
1950’s Folgers Coffee Ad Check out Jane – she looks like Laura Bush! Oh,
and her husband Harold is a real catch...
Thinking of
joining
The French Foreign Legion Well, here’s everything you’ll need to
know. Including the lyrics to those catchy songs they sing:
Well there’s sausage, there’s sausage, there’s sausage
For the Alsatians, the Swiss and the Lorrainers;
There’s none left for the Belgians, there’s none left for the Belgians, they are
malingerers
Proving
you don’t need big bucks (or a cameraman) to make a fantastic video:
Million Ways To Be Cruel
Too priceless!
The Passion of the Benny Hill Found, of course, at one of my favourite
places to visit...
Blogywood
Gay Boyfriend
“They
got hooked on a non-stop merry-go-round...”
Beyond The Valley of the Dolls
Ah yes,
Fainting Humans People drop (mostly grooms at weddings) and we all howl!
And in a much more cute and yet comically tragic vein of fainting, there’s the
Fainting Goats
Your Horoscope
Aries:
You have been
blessed with the gift to make people laugh – at you.
Taurus:
Your celestial
outlook calls for mild showers of paranoia clearing later with rising anxiety.
Gemini: There
are clearly advantages to playing the fool. Tell us about them, will ya?
Cancer: See
abobe. And after you’ve tried to figure out what the hell “abobe” means, then
“see above.”
Leo: You will
continue to view pterodactyls as
small, mostly
tailless, extinct
flying reptiles of the order Pterosauria that existed during the Jurassic
period.
Virgo: You
will continue to view fossils as remnants or traces of an organism of a past
geologic age, such as a skeleton or leaf imprint, embedded and preserved in the
earth's crust.
Libra: You
will continue to view fossils as old people.
Scorpio:
You will continue to
view fossils as words or morphemes that are used only in certain restricted
contexts.
Sagittarius: See above and below. Combine and cook for 45 minutes at 350
degrees.
Capricorn:
The next big step for you is shrouded in mist. The waning atmosphere brings a
gentle synthesis. The cow has jumped over the moon. Okay, hope that helps.
Aquarius: You
are never to slow to see which way the wind is blowing. Hope that makes you feel
like a big man.
Pisces:
You want progress
and you want it now, but if you peer too far into the distance you will strain
your eyes and throw out your back.
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
what is cultural regurgitation?
boris badenoff
vampire cookbook
election insanity
ant rants sex
the french tickler gaul
why does santa wear white?
ant sperm
an absent mind is the burden of a genius
how do i get my
dog a boner to hump me?
Only 15
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other very exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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