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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
December 8
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Bored Voters Want More: “Promise Us The Moon!” Part the 2nd
”Gimme, gimme,
gimme more,” cries Josh an 18-year-old first time voter. ”I don’t care about
child care, I want mine!” whines Grace, a single businesswoman. ”They need to
offer us more, naaggahagah! The aliens are coming! The aliens are coming” opines
Hap, a homeless, crazy guy.
Damn right, I say.
It’s always a hoot to see politicians promising us stuff they have no intention
of delivering. Cold fish Harpo has a daily grab bag of treats, scoundrel Martini
seems more than happy to start sharing our money with us, hapless Layton would
spend like a drunken sailor and arrogant Duceppe... Well, who cares about him?
But what about the moon? Why can’t they offer us that? Yesterday I was on the
blower with Harpo asking for it. Today, it’s The Great Martini’s turn...
Martini (answers phone and pretends to be voice mail): Hello, you’ve
reached the home of Paul Martin. I’m sorry I can’t take your call but I’m
working on bold, new, initiatives to help you, the average Canadian who calls
here to yell at me. Please don’t leave a message if it’s filled with profanities
and cheap shots about my wife’s army boots. Also, it’s not my fault about all
this corruption, you see, I...
Avery: (laughing) Paul, I know it’s you, knock it off.
Martini: Oh... Hi Avery.
Avery: Hey, big guy. So tell me, is your fridge running?
Martini: I believe so. Hang on, I’ll go check (puts phone down).
Avery: (snickers)
Martini: Hi, yeah it’s running.
Avery: That’s a good thing. So what’s up with those Bay Street leaks?
Martini: Can we please change the subject?
Avery: Okay. Do you think the Gomery...
Martini: (angry)
Moving on, Avery!
Avery: Relax. Okay, listen up Martini, you’ve promised Canadians a lot of crap
but you haven’t promised them the moon. Promise it to me, right here, right now,
and you’ve got my vote.
Martini: ...Um, but... I, uh...
Avery: Just do it Pauly.
Martini: Okay. You promise you’ll vote for me?
Avery: I promise.
Martini: A real promise, not a political one?
Avery: Oh yeah.
Martini: Avery, if I am elected, I promise here and now to give you the moon.
Decent, hardworking citizens like yourself deserve the moon and I am working on
a bold, new, initiative to see to it that you get the moon you so richly
deserve... How was that?
Avery: Not bad. Now do it in iambic pentameter – and naked.
Martini: Oh, okay... (the
sound of him undressing) what kind of pentameter did you ask for?
Avery: Just make it rhyming couplets.
Martini: Okay, um, “You deserve the moon/I’ll give you it really soon/Just vote
for me/And it’s yours, you’ll see.” Okay, how was that?
Avery: Very impressive. But I’m still voting for the Pot Party!Martini: What?
Avery: Sucker! (laughs
and hangs up)
Tomorrow: Jack Layton promises me the moon and guarantees that getting it for me
won’t raise my taxes.
Meet the Clowns!
Daily
Link-O-Ramas (A Baker's Dozen)
Proving
you don’t need big bucks (or a cameraman) to make a fantastic video:
Million Ways To Be Cruel
Too priceless!
The Passion of the Benny Hill Found, of course, at one of my favourite
places to visit...
Blogywood
Gay Boyfriend
“They
got hooked on a non-stop merry-go-round...”
Beyond The Valley of the Dolls
Ah yes,
Fainting Humans People drop (mostly grooms at weddings) and we all howl!
And in a much more cute and yet comically tragic vein of fainting, there’s the
Fainting Goats
Everybody!
Family Guy FCC Song
That’s a
lot of pharmaceuticals!
90 Second Pharmaceutical Song
Just don’t make a
honeymoon video...
Marry Your Pet
 One of the
TV shows that my head lackey is currently writing for started off as a web
project:
Pucca
There are some who might say James Joyce was a half blind, acerbic scribbler of
idiocies and that the academic world was simply misguided when it came to their
crediting him with changing the structure and course of the novel... Anyway, for
those who suffered in vain yet still couldn't finish it, why not try,
Ulysses For Dummies Now with 100% more pictures!
You can’t vote for me unless you’re registered. Or maybe you’d like to run your
own candidate. Hey, I’m up for the challenge...
Elections Canada
Your Horoscope
Aries:
You have the
fortitude of a he-man and the underwear of a cross-dresser.
Taurus:
You can choose to follow the herd or you can choose to lead the herd, either way
it goes you’ll wind up with a bad case of ticks and lice.
Gemini: Hey,
it could be worse, you could be a Sagittarius.
Cancer:
Others can follow the rules slavishly if they want but you follow them like an
automaton.
Leo:
Something will happen to you today but it will not be in the form of money or
material things. Probably something involving a sandwich. That’s it; today you
will eat a sandwich.
Virgo: Your underwear continues to bunch.
Libra: If
there ever there was a right time for you, we’d all like to know about it.
Scorpio:
You continue to view chicken pox as
an acutely contagious disease that is
caused by the varicella-zoster virus and characterized by skin eruptions, slight
fever, and malaise... And for once you’re right.
Sagittarius: See above.
Capricorn:
You will continue to view balloons as
flexible bags designed to be inflated
with hot air or with a gas, causing them to rise and float in the atmosphere.
Oh, and a clown is destined to scare you today.
Aquarius: As
we try and wrestle with the complexities of life and the apparent obstacles it
puts before us, we... Wait a sec, what’s with this “we?” You’re on your own,
pal.
Pisces:
You have the spleen
of a duck and the presidential skills of a lame duck.
Back From The Dead
INT. RESTAURANT -- NIGHT
Ted, Sandra and Phil are seated around a table, enjoying a drink and snacking
on finger food.
TED: And then I came to. The doctor just stared at me for a while and then he
told me...for five full minutes I had been clinically dead. I came back from the
dead.
SANDRA: Cool...so what's up with you, Phil?
PHIL: I finally bought that boat I'd been looking at.
SANDRA: Alright. Good for you!
PHIL: Yeah, it's a beauty...sleeps six and...
TED: For five entire minutes...I was dead.
PHIL: Yeah five minutes, right. What's up with you Sandra?
SANDRA: I got the promotion.
PHIL: Alright...time to celebrate. Waiter, a bottle of champagne. Congrats,
Sandra.
TED: I woke up screaming...I had no idea where I was...Heaven, Hell.
SANDRA: Phil, tell Ted that joke you told me yesterday.
PHIL: Oh yeah, this is a great one. Okay, a quadruped, a biped and an amphibian
all walk into this sushi bar, and...
TED: I don't mean to interrupt, but did either of you hear me when I said I came
back from the dead last week?
PHIL: Yeah, I heard you...did you hear him Sandra?
SANDRA: Yeah, I heard him...real neat Ted. Go on Phil.
PHIL: So the quadruped says to the amphibian...
TED: I hate to interrupt again, but...
SANDRA: But what?
TED: I thought you might be interested. I mean it's not everyday that a guy
comes back from the dead.
PHIL: It's not everyday guy buys a boat either, Ted, but you don't hear me
interrupting jokes.
TED: Aren't either of you in the slightest bit interested in what it was like?
SANDRA: I don't want to be rude, Ted, but it's kind of...dull.
TED: Dull?
PHIL: Maybe I can help you out here, Ted. Let me put it in practical terms. I
mean, you came back from the dead, real cool, but I bought a boat. Now unless
I'm wrong we can't go sailing on your near death experience, we can't get a tan
on you coming back from the dead...now on my boat however we can do both, and
naked too.
TED: You cannot equate death with a sailboat.
PHIL: That's my point exactly.
SANDRA: Don't take it so seriously Ted...come on, you have lots of other
interesting stories. Oh, tell us about the time you accidentally took the wrong
kids home from the park.
TED: I can't believe this. Do you realize that since the beginning of time,
humanity has wondered what the afterlife holds...I was there...I know.
PHIL: Okay, Ted, I see your point; now try and see mine. Here's a little
scenario...you and I are both at a singles bar when we see Sandra. We fix our
hair, strut over to her, look her deep in the eyes and...Sandra, which is a
better line? "I have a boat?" Or "I came back from the dead?"
SANDRA: Boat...by a mile...or a league, I guess...ha ha!
PHIL: Case closed...lose the death thing.
TED: I will not lose the death thing!
SANDRA: Well obviously you are not going to be happy until you've told us all
about it...so go ahead...how was death?
TED: Well...
PHIL: Before you start...is this a long story? 'Cause I gotta twist a kidney.
TED: Just hear me out! I saw a white light and heard voices. I was sorta calm
yet sort of apprehensive.
SANDRA: Could you be more specific, Ted?
PHIL: Really, I mean let's get some details. For example, my boat is twenty
seven feet long, my boat is candy apple red...
TED: Forget about your goddamned boat. I came back from the dead!
SANDRA: So you keep saying, Ted, but you really don't have any amusing anecdotes
to round it out; there's no humour in it and we all know how it ends.
TED: Well, I'm sorry if I'm boring you.
PHIL: Okay, Ted, I have to put my foot down...you traipse in here and just
expect the two of us to put our lives on hold while you ramble on about your big
deal near death experience. Well maybe we have important things in our lives
too.
SANDRA: And, anyway, it's not like you really died.
PHIL: Maybe you should just apologize and we could forget the whole stupid
thing.
TED: I will not apologize.
SANDRA: Fine.
PHIL: Fine.
TED: Fine.
A moments silence. Ted reconsiders.
TED: Well, they looked like my kids and I was in a hurry, so I just grabbed them
and put them in the car...
SANDRA: I love this part...
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
what is cultural regurgitation?
boris badenoff
vampire cookbook
election insanity
ant rants sex
the french tickler gaul
why does santa wear white?
ant sperm
an absent mind is the burden of a genius
how do i get my
dog a boner to hump me?
Only 17
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
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