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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
December 7
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Bored Voters Want More: “Promise Us The Moon!”
”It’s not enough,”
laments Barb, a stay at home mother of two. ”What else do they have for me?”
wonders John, a young Bay Street businessman. ”They need to offer us more,
naaggahagah!” opines Hap, a homeless, crazy guy.
And fair enough, I say.
It’s always fun to see politicians promising us stuff they have no intention of
delivering on. Cold fish Harpo offers 1,200 bucks for parents in baby bonus,
scoundrel Martini counters with another 5 billion for day care, hapless Layton
promises not to raise taxes and arrogant Duceppe guarantees to exterminate the
Liberals in Quebec.
Yeah, okay, that’s all fine and dandy. But what about the moon? So I decided to
get on the blower and call these guys up and see if they could promise me that.
Today: Harpo...
Harpo: (answers phone) What?
Avery: Hey Harpo, how’s it hanging, dude?
Harpo: Who is...? Christ Avery, I told you not to call me at the “Hidden Agenda
Office.”
Avery: Relax chuckles. Say, love all the campaign promises so far.
Harpo: Really? Wish I could say the same about the rest of those f&*%ing,
G*&%$#*@ed, S*&^t for brain mother*&%^#$s in Ontario.
Avery: Uh, yeah... Anyway, it’s all good but I want more.
Harpo (sighs)
What do you want?
Avery: Kiss more babies, put gel in your hair to make it spiky and sing in
public – with your pants at half mast.
Harpo: Fine. Now if you’ll excuse me...
Avery: Oh, and promise me the moon.
Harpo: The what?
Avery: The moon. Promise me and the rest of Canada the moon. Do that and I’ll
vote for you (giggles).
Harpo: Avery, if I’m elected, I promise you and Canadians the moon. For the past
12 years, Mr. Martin and the Liberal Party have been denying Canadians the moon,
and I say enough is enough! How much more of their excuses and rhetoric must we
endure before Canadians are finally allowed the chance to have the moon. And I
will give it to them. With a Reform Par... Sorry, Conservative Party in charge,
I pledge to make sure that every Canadian will have the moon. A moon they so
richly deserve... There, how was that?
Avery: Marvelous, I almost believed you for a second.
Harpo: That’s great (mutters obscenities under his breath). Anyway, I got
to get back to it.
Avery: Right. Those hidden agendas don’t write themselves.
Harpo: Unfortunately that’s too true.
Tomorrow – Martini promises me the moon AND a free soda pop.
Meet the Clowns!
Daily
Link-O-Ramas (A Baker's Dozen)
Too priceless!
The Passion of the Benny Hill Found, of course, at one of my favourite
places to visit...
Blogywood
Gay Boyfriend
“They
got hooked on a non-stop merry-go-round...”
Beyond The Valley of the Dolls
Ah yes,
Fainting Humans People drop (mostly grooms at weddings) and we all howl!
And in a much more cute and yet comically tragic vein of fainting, there’s the
Fainting Goats
Everybody!
Family Guy FCC Song
That’s a
lot of pharmaceuticals!
90 Second Pharmaceutical Song
Just don’t make a
honeymoon video...
Marry Your Pet
 One of the
TV shows that my head lackey is currently writing for started off as a web
project:
Pucca
Would you
buy a car from
Wallace N’ Gromit?
There are some who might say James Joyce was a half blind, acerbic scribbler of
idiocies and that the academic world was simply misguided when it came to their
crediting him with changing the structure and course of the novel... Anyway, for
those who suffered in vain yet still couldn't finish it, why not try,
Ulysses For Dummies Now with 100% more pictures!
You can’t vote
for me unless you’re registered. Or maybe you’d like to run your own candidate.
Hey, I’m up for the challenge...
Elections Canada
Your Horoscope
Aries:
It’s time to give up
on horoscopes and look to fortunes in tea leafs.
Taurus:
Crucial questions,
burning fears, secret and unresolved tensions... You’ll see all of this on a
soap opera today.
Gemini:
Someone you know or will soon know knows what you need to know. But you should
know that just because they know doesn’t mean that they’ll let you know. You
know?
Cancer: You
won’t lack for moneymaking opportunities but for moneymaking opportunities that
pan out.
Leo: You may
be reluctant to admit you got something wrong – so don’t.
Virgo: You will find that “Passion of Benny Hill” to be a tad offensive.
Libra: Your
friends and family wait in anticipation of the day when you finally get tired of
the sound of your own voice.
Scorpio: The sky
is bestowing you with a kind of X-Ray vision. This is the perfect opportunity to
get that costume in your closet out and to fulfill your dream and become an
X-Ray superhero. And don’t worry, they’ll all be laughing with you not at you...
Yeah, with you...
Sagittarius:
The sun’s transit of the midheaven angle of your chart today will mean
absolutely nothing because horoscopes are not to be taken seriously. Fact is,
the sun isn’t even in transit of a midheaven angle!
Capricorn: See above.
Aquarius: In
order to find the right answer all you have to do is stop asking the wrong
question. Example: Don’t ask, “Excuse me, do you have the time?” But instead
ask, “Did you know that if you don’t give me the correct time right now then I’m
going to punch you in the face?”
Pisces:
You will continue to
view robots as mechanical devices
that sometime resemble humans and are capable of performing a variety of complex
human tasks on command or by being programmed in advance... And yet, they still
can’t love. Tragic, isn’t it?
Back From The Dead
INT. RESTAURANT -- NIGHT
Ted, Sandra and Phil are seated around a table, enjoying a drink and snacking
on finger food.
TED: And then I came to. The doctor just stared at me for a while and then he
told me...for five full minutes I had been clinically dead. I came back from the
dead.
SANDRA: Cool...so what's up with you, Phil?
PHIL: I finally bought that boat I'd been looking at.
SANDRA: Alright. Good for you!
PHIL: Yeah, it's a beauty...sleeps six and...
TED: For five entire minutes...I was dead.
PHIL: Yeah five minutes, right. What's up with you Sandra?
SANDRA: I got the promotion.
PHIL: Alright...time to celebrate. Waiter, a bottle of champagne. Congrats,
Sandra.
TED: I woke up screaming...I had no idea where I was...Heaven, Hell.
SANDRA: Phil, tell Ted that joke you told me yesterday.
PHIL: Oh yeah, this is a great one. Okay, a quadruped, a biped and an amphibian
all walk into this sushi bar, and...
TED: I don't mean to interrupt, but did either of you hear me when I said I came
back from the dead last week?
PHIL: Yeah, I heard you...did you hear him Sandra?
SANDRA: Yeah, I heard him...real neat Ted. Go on Phil.
PHIL: So the quadruped says to the amphibian...
TED: I hate to interrupt again, but...
SANDRA: But what?
TED: I thought you might be interested. I mean it's not everyday that a guy
comes back from the dead.
PHIL: It's not everyday guy buys a boat either, Ted, but you don't hear me
interrupting jokes.
TED: Aren't either of you in the slightest bit interested in what it was like?
SANDRA: I don't want to be rude, Ted, but it's kind of...dull.
TED: Dull?
PHIL: Maybe I can help you out here, Ted. Let me put it in practical terms. I
mean, you came back from the dead, real cool, but I bought a boat. Now unless
I'm wrong we can't go sailing on your near death experience, we can't get a tan
on you coming back from the dead...now on my boat however we can do both, and
naked too.
TED: You cannot equate death with a sailboat.
PHIL: That's my point exactly.
SANDRA: Don't take it so seriously Ted...come on, you have lots of other
interesting stories. Oh, tell us about the time you accidentally took the wrong
kids home from the park.
TED: I can't believe this. Do you realize that since the beginning of time,
humanity has wondered what the afterlife holds...I was there...I know.
PHIL: Okay, Ted, I see your point; now try and see mine. Here's a little
scenario...you and I are both at a singles bar when we see Sandra. We fix our
hair, strut over to her, look her deep in the eyes and...Sandra, which is a
better line? "I have a boat?" Or "I came back from the dead?"
SANDRA: Boat...by a mile...or a league, I guess...ha ha!
PHIL: Case closed...lose the death thing.
TED: I will not lose the death thing!
SANDRA: Well obviously you are not going to be happy until you've told us all
about it...so go ahead...how was death?
TED: Well...
PHIL: Before you start...is this a long story? 'Cause I gotta twist a kidney.
TED: Just hear me out! I saw a white light and heard voices. I was sorta calm
yet sort of apprehensive.
SANDRA: Could you be more specific, Ted?
PHIL: Really, I mean let's get some details. For example, my boat is twenty
seven feet long, my boat is candy apple red...
TED: Forget about your goddamned boat. I came back from the dead!
SANDRA: So you keep saying, Ted, but you really don't have any amusing anecdotes
to round it out; there's no humour in it and we all know how it ends.
TED: Well, I'm sorry if I'm boring you.
PHIL: Okay, Ted, I have to put my foot down...you traipse in here and just
expect the two of us to put our lives on hold while you ramble on about your big
deal near death experience. Well maybe we have important things in our lives
too.
SANDRA: And, anyway, it's not like you really died.
PHIL: Maybe you should just apologize and we could forget the whole stupid
thing.
TED: I will not apologize.
SANDRA: Fine.
PHIL: Fine.
TED: Fine.
A moments silence. Ted reconsiders.
TED: Well, they looked like my kids and I was in a hurry, so I just grabbed them
and put them in the car...
SANDRA: I love this part...
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
what is cultural regurgitation?
boris badenoff
vampire cookbook
election insanity
ant rants sex
the french tickler gaul
why does santa wear white?
ant sperm
an absent mind is the burden of a genius
how do i get my
dog a boner to hump me?
Only 18
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
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