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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
December 6
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Harpo
Starts His Own Bribing
"Get it off me!" Harpo recoils from kid who believes his
promises.
First there were the turtle neck sweaters that he hoped might sway
us into believing that by wearing them he was now cool and hip. Hah! Yeah,
sure... Then came a proposed GST cut that failed to impress the Ontarians he so
desperately needs and yet so obviously loathes. And now, Stephen Harpo is
promising that a government led by him and his Reform Party buddies would dish
out day-care dollars directly to Canadian parents.
Yes, it would seem that Mr. Harper has finally adopted the Liberal plan -- bribe
'em and promise 'em the world.
"Now, of course, it costs more than $1,200 a year to raise a child," said the
wise Harper. "And while I personally prefer to bake children in pies as opposed
to raising them, my point is... Whoops, did I just say that bit about eating
kids out loud? Um, oh crap! Say, we can get the focus back on my turtle neck
sweaters?”
This is a Recording... Green Party upset because they aren’t allowed in the
debates
Oh Jim, will you
ever learn?
Politico
Greener, Jim Harris is throwing another hissy because once again he hasn’t been
invited to the debate. He was making such a stink about it, that to shut him up,
I offered him my spot (what the heck, I was thinking of going on a serious beer
blast that night). He declined. He told me he’s even more miffed than last time.
“Once again it is unelected broadcasters who are going to frame the debate,” he
once again, told me.
And once again, I said, “Yeah, but come on, these are Canadian broadcasters, and
if you’re seriously waiting for them to make bold and innovative decision then
you’re even more naïve and “green” then your party’s name.”
The Trial of
Saddam:
Oscar Wildesque Bon Mots Fly!
Saddam Hussein
declared Monday that “I don’t give a Shiite if I die because this bad boy ain’t
afraid of execution!”
And so kicked off “Part The 3rd” of this unruly and totally wacky
trial in which the first witnesses took the stand and testified that the former
president's agents carried out random arrests, torture and killings.
The former Iraqi leader, who is proving to be something of a freaked out joke
slinger and master of absurd comedy, also added that “execution is cheaper than
the shoe of an Iraqi.”
Oh that Saddam!
On trial for crimes against humanity, Saddam told the court, “The purpose of
this trial is to try and make me look bad... Oh, and to see how many of my
defence lawyers will die. I don’t care, do your worst. I have a clown car full
of them.”
Saddam’s frequent outbursts have become a regular part of the proceedings and
quite frequently involve bouts of his unique brand of nutty physical comedy.
“When I
speak, I speak like your brother, or a father, actually, probably more like a
weird uncle who should bathe more often,” he said while sticking his fingers in
his ears. He then added, “You are the shooters and the swords against my enemy
army. Some might say it’s just like the Human League 80’s dance song, ‘Don’t You
Want Me Baby?’ but I say that whoever says that is a jackal with his head up his
ass.”
Earlier on Monday, his defence team walked out as the former leader yelled at
the judge “Why can’t I get a nice cold glass of mango juice?”
After the lawyers walked out, Saddam, shaking his right hand, told the judge:
“You offer me diet coke when I ask for mango juice. I will not drink the Great
Satan juice, the bubbles tickle my nose. By denying me my mango juice you are
imposing your will on me. I reject that. Oh, and you can kiss my holy scrotum.”
Meet the Clowns!
Back From The Dead
INT. RESTAURANT -- NIGHT
Ted, Sandra and Phil are seated around a table, enjoying a drink and snacking
on finger food.
TED: And then I came to. The doctor just stared at me for a while and then he
told me...for five full minutes I had been clinically dead. I came back from the
dead.
SANDRA: Cool...so what's up with you, Phil?
PHIL: I finally bought that boat I'd been looking at.
SANDRA: Alright. Good for you!
PHIL: Yeah, it's a beauty...sleeps six and...
TED: For five entire minutes...I was dead.
PHIL: Yeah five minutes, right. What's up with you Sandra?
SANDRA: I got the promotion.
PHIL: Alright...time to celebrate. Waiter, a bottle of champagne. Congrats,
Sandra.
TED: I woke up screaming...I had no idea where I was...Heaven, Hell.
SANDRA: Phil, tell Ted that joke you told me yesterday.
PHIL: Oh yeah, this is a great one. Okay, a quadruped, a biped and an amphibian
all walk into this sushi bar, and...
TED: I don't mean to interrupt, but did either of you hear me when I said I came
back from the dead last week?
PHIL: Yeah, I heard you...did you hear him Sandra?
SANDRA: Yeah, I heard him...real neat Ted. Go on Phil.
PHIL: So the quadruped says to the amphibian...
TED: I hate to interrupt again, but...
SANDRA: But what?
TED: I thought you might be interested. I mean it's not everyday that a guy
comes back from the dead.
PHIL: It's not everyday guy buys a boat either, Ted, but you don't hear me
interrupting jokes.
TED: Aren't either of you in the slightest bit interested in what it was like?
SANDRA: I don't want to be rude, Ted, but it's kind of...dull.
TED: Dull?
PHIL: Maybe I can help you out here, Ted. Let me put it in practical terms. I
mean, you came back from the dead, real cool, but I bought a boat. Now unless
I'm wrong we can't go sailing on your near death experience, we can't get a tan
on you coming back from the dead...now on my boat however we can do both, and
naked too.
TED: You cannot equate death with a sailboat.
PHIL: That's my point exactly.
SANDRA: Don't take it so seriously Ted...come on, you have lots of other
interesting stories. Oh, tell us about the time you accidentally took the wrong
kids home from the park.
TED: I can't believe this. Do you realize that since the beginning of time,
humanity has wondered what the afterlife holds...I was there...I know.
PHIL: Okay, Ted, I see your point; now try and see mine. Here's a little
scenario...you and I are both at a singles bar when we see Sandra. We fix our
hair, strut over to her, look her deep in the eyes and...Sandra, which is a
better line? "I have a boat?" Or "I came back from the dead?"
SANDRA: Boat...by a mile...or a league, I guess...ha ha!
PHIL: Case closed...lose the death thing.
TED: I will not lose the death thing!
SANDRA: Well obviously you are not going to be happy until you've told us all
about it...so go ahead...how was death?
TED: Well...
PHIL: Before you start...is this a long story? 'Cause I gotta twist a kidney.
TED: Just hear me out! I saw a white light and heard voices. I was sorta calm
yet sort of apprehensive.
SANDRA: Could you be more specific, Ted?
PHIL: Really, I mean let's get some details. For example, my boat is twenty
seven feet long, my boat is candy apple red...
TED: Forget about your goddamned boat. I came back from the dead!
SANDRA: So you keep saying, Ted, but you really don't have any amusing anecdotes
to round it out; there's no humour in it and we all know how it ends.
TED: Well, I'm sorry if I'm boring you.
PHIL: Okay, Ted, I have to put my foot down...you traipse in here and just
expect the two of us to put our lives on hold while you ramble on about your big
deal near death experience. Well maybe we have important things in our lives
too.
SANDRA: And, anyway, it's not like you really died.
PHIL: Maybe you should just apologize and we could forget the whole stupid
thing.
TED: I will not apologize.
SANDRA: Fine.
PHIL: Fine.
TED: Fine.
A moments silence. Ted reconsiders.
TED: Well, they looked like my kids and I was in a hurry, so I just grabbed them
and put them in the car...
SANDRA: I love this part...
 The
Goods On Goodie Bag
One of my favourite
short films of this year went by the name of
Yo! Gah! It's written and directed by the totally talented Kirby Ferguson.
In just over three minutes, Kirby delivers a kick-yoga-ass, 3-Act-Comedy about
what happens when the extreme meets the serene. Yo! Gah! is packed full of Zen,
laughs and spiritual chaos.
From its funny visual
gags to its hilarious script, right down through to a truly priceless comic performance by Derek Forgie,
it's all rather inspired. I just watched it again and it still makes me howl.
Yo! Gah! was, of course, written and directed by Kirby of
goodie bag tv.
While recently visiting Kirby’s
blog, I noticed that he had started doing interviews with people whose work
he admired. I thought this was a nifty idea. So I stole it. And now, applying
“delicious irony” (or a reasonable facsimile of) I have turned the tables on
him...
So Kirby, can you tell
me a little about the history of Goodie Bag TV?
I started Goodie Bag TV as a group called Kirblooey back in 2002. Back then we
were five people: Anna Huh, Robert Bodrog, and Rod and Laura Weatherbie (who've
since gone on to start an e-zine called
Gadzooks). Pascal Boisvert joined later and Rod, Laura and Robert moved on.
We met Derek Forgie through an open casting call and we soon became Goodie Bag
TV. The original intent was that our group was Kirblooey and Goodie Bag TV was a
project, but the name Kirblooey has since been phased out.
It was always primarily my project, but in the past year Goodie Bag TV has
become entirely my thing. Almost everything that appears on the site is now
created by me.
Kirby, circa 2005
You’re a very
funny guy. What’s your background in comedy? Did you study film or does all
this talent just come naturally?
You're really too kind, Avery. I'm self-taught at everything I do. I have no
background at all in comedy, really. I don't think there's any way to learn to
be funny. You can get better with practice, but you either have it or you don't.
I've done plenty of reading about filmmaking, but I have no training. I'm a
professional graphic designer, so I have a good eye and I'm good with software.
None of this comes naturally, though. Its all required a lot of work.
What’s up next for you?
I'm not really sure. Less broad comedy, more eclectic material, more stuff that
pushes the envelope. I'm hoping my interests will re-combine into something more
personal and singular than Goodie Bag TV's current form. Right now the site is
just comedy videos and while they might have a distinct tone, I don't think
that's terribly exciting. I want to do something with more serious ambitions,
but comedy will still be a big part of it.
What's the best thing that's happened for you with Goodie Bag?
That's a toss-up. It's either the way it's changed me as a person or the people
I've met.
Being a director was not at all within my comfort zone when I started. It was
enormously stressful for me. I repeatedly got ill at first and it took me a
couple years to realize the stress of shooting was battering my immune system.
I've learned a lot about where that anxiety came from and I'm a much stronger
person now.
Perhaps just as importantly, I've met many of my friends through Goodie Bag TV
and I can't imagine that they'd be in my life otherwise.
Is there a downside to any of this?
Oh for sure. It takes up massive amounts of my time. I think a big part of
so-called talent is just saying, "I will do this above all else." Aside from my
health, everything in my life is secondary to my work. It's a hell of a
trade-off, really. There's a lot of sitting around, a lot of solitude, a lot of
obsessing. The shoots are amazing fun, but otherwise I sit in front of this
computer a lot.
What advice do you have for young DIY filmmakers?
Well, the first thing that any DIY filmmaker does will suck. You might not think
so at the time, but in retrospect you'll see that it was crap. Actually, there's
a very good chance the footage won't even be usable -- that's what happened to
me. So if you want to be good at it, don't give up.
Daily
Link-O-Ramas (A Baker's Dozen)
Gay Boyfriend
“They
got hooked on a non-stop merry-go-round...”
Beyond The Valley of the Dolls
Ah yes,
Fainting Humans People drop (mostly grooms at weddings) and we all howl!
And in a much more cute and yet comically tragic vein of fainting, there’s the
Fainting Goats
Everybody!
Family Guy FCC Song
That’s a
lot of pharmaceuticals!
90 Second Pharmaceutical Song
Just don’t make a
honeymoon video...
Marry Your Pet
 One of the
TV shows that my head lackey is currently writing for started off as a web
project:
Pucca
Would you
buy a car from
Wallace N’ Gromit?
There are some who might say James Joyce was a half blind, acerbic scribbler of
idiocies and that the academic world was simply misguided when it came to their
crediting him with changing the structure and course of the novel... Anyway, for
those who suffered in vain yet still couldn't finish it, why not try,
Ulysses For Dummies Now with 100% more pictures!
You’ll laugh – he’ll fall...
Falling Dude
Cowation
The process
by which a person becomes a cow for no good reason...
You can’t vote
for me unless you’re registered. Or maybe you’d like to run your own candidate.
Hey, I’m up for the challenge...
Elections Canada
Your Horoscope
Aries:
It’s not like you to
be rude but you... Oh who are we kidding? Rude is your middle name!
Taurus:
You will read this
horoscope. Hey, it’s not much, but you can’t say it didn’t happen!
Gemini: You
confuse your sense of humour with your sense of entitlement. Sitcom like
hilarity and selfishness abounds.
Cancer: You
are aware that you are unaware. Ponder on that, Buddha.
Leo: If your
reputation is important to you then what the hell have you been doing all these
years?
Virgo: A
recent attempt to be more disciplined has you buying all kinds of bondage gear.
By the way, you look kind of silly in that mask.
Libra: You
will continue to view cabbage as a
European vegetable of the mustard family,
having a globose head consisting of a short stem and tightly overlapping green
to purplish leaves. You will also continue to be called a cabbage by those who
know you.
Scorpio:
See above.
Sagittarius: See above the above.
Capricorn: See above the above that is above.
Aquarius: Over-analyzing
your problems is a hazardous activity. Facing them straight on will give you the
willies. Denying they exist and drinking straight from a bottle of scotch will
make you feel warm and happy inside. The choice is yours.
Pisces:
Sorry Pisces, I'm all out of horoscopes for today.
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
what is cultural regurgitation?
boris badenoff
vampire cookbook
election insanity
ant rants sex
the french tickler gaul
why does santa wear white?
ant sperm
an absent mind is the burden of a genius
how do i get my
dog a boner to hump me?
Only 19
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other very exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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