 |
"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
December 2
Avery's Campaign Journal 2005
Ordinary citizens are clamouring for a bold and visionary Prime Minister who
will lead them to better times in this new and challenging century... Others
want Avery Ant to run.
Canadian Election Insanity
Today:
Severe
(Check Back For Daily Updates)
Québécois
Bloc ‘Ockey
After
witnessing the confusion between Harpo and his poorly trained chimp, Deputy
Conservative leader Peter MacKay (why can’t they be friends?), not to mention
Jean Chrétien’s brilliant ploy to sabotage his former
party, as well as Mr. Layton’s insistence on showing up in this race, The
Bloc Québécois decided it was their turn to look like outrageously inane
buffoons.
And so they did! How? By proposing the creation of a Quebec-only hockey team; a
team that would, I might add, be strong on the goaltending front and a laughable
joke on defence.
The project is like all things Bloc, ridiculous, funny, and also kinda spooky.
You see, as nuts as Canucks are over their beer and hockey (yes, in that order)
this plan just might have a greater impact on the Canadian psyche than any other
Bloc proposal short of independence.
Bloc Leader Gilles Duceppe, who, lets be honest, looks more like a croquet
player than a hockey player, made the announcement after several glasses of
champagne. He said he was inspired by the champagne’s tight bubbles and
delightful aftertaste.
"Why the hell not?” The Bloc leader mused, “after all, it’s not like I have to
worry about a campaign. This little Frenchie has Quebec locked up. Ha, ha, ha.
So from here on in, I will say whatever comes into my ridiculously confident and
delightfully-shaped head.”
Mr.
Duceppe salivated (really, literally – and all over his jacket) at Team Quebec's
trio between the pipes, with New Jersey Devil Martin Brodeur, Florida Panther
Roberto Luongo and the and mobbed up and rage control challenged, Jose Theodore. He said he
wasn’t sure if Brodeur or Luongo could actually speak French, but, “I’m cool wit
‘dat.”
During his news conference Mr. Duceppe promised he would continue to
discuss the new team.
"What
the hell, it’s not like I got to worry about de political issues. Ha, ha, ha.
Damn, but life is good! So then, today, I've answered on goalies," he said.
"Tomorrow I'll talk about defence... briefly.”
The rest of the Bloc platform deals with more serious issues, such as the need
to develop better French defencemen for his hockey team and making sure the
minor league system produces more fabulous French hockey goalies. Oh, and
something about ethics in Ottawa and greater economic support to rural areas.
Hey kids,
here’s your big chance to get to know the candidates and find out all kinds of
spunky fun factoids about where they sit, stand and flip flop on the issues...
And then, when the big day comes, you get to vote and choose your poison!
So let’s waste no more time and...
Meet the Clowns!
Paul Martin –
Liberal Party
Okay,
some might say that Paul’s nothing more than the leader of a gang of lying,
deceitful, crooks. But give him this much, he’s not so hopelessly out of touch
that he doesn’t recognize that bribing people will get him the votes he needs to
slither back into office. Ah well, better the Fibs line our pockets than those
advertising executroids in Quebec. Am I right? And his campaign slogan, “Vote
For Paul and Then Have a Long Shower” is effective. Oh sure, The Great
Martini’s claims that he had no idea about the government’s financial corruption
while he was Finance Minister do ultimately make him look like a clueless idiot,
but on the plus side, if he gets back in he still might be able to decriminalize
pot. Mr. Martini is a very savvy manipulator and during voter season this alpha
male leader not only displays aggressive tendencies but also shells out the tax
goodies and allows the less dominant members of his pack (the voters) to suckle
from his poison teat. Another sort of interesting thing about him is, um, he...
knows Bono... That’s about it. Oh, and as sophomoric as it is, I laugh every
time he says “softwood.”
Stephen
Harper – Conservative Party
Harpo and
his scary band of Conservatives (formerly known as The Reform Party, and let’s
be honest, still the Reform Party in spirit), are probably the most unsexy group
in this sorry lot. Although, and to his credit, Harpo sure has got that
“uptight, fire and brimstone-spewing fanatic” role down solid. Would oppose
everything from environmental protections to slow dancing. Photo ops are not his
friend and he should stop trying to smile: it just doesn’t come naturally (if it
all) and it makes the kids cry tears of blood. If he’d won the last election
we’d be stuck in George Bush’s war and cuddled up with his missile plan – or
worse... And I don’t care how funny Harpo’s hair is, that’s not enough of a
trade off. Harpo is always, always, always, morally outraged, which means once
he got in, he’d probably follow conservative party tradition and be corrupt and
sanctimonious. And that’s one ultimately terrifying combination – “Hey, you got
sanctimony in my corruption.” “No, you got corruption in my sanctimony.” “Wow,
this really works great together!” “I agree, let’s cheat AND pontificate!”
The fun-loving, serious-minded
nut of the group and clearly the most deluded if he thinks he can win. When you
see him you just want to say, “Oh Jack, when will you ever learn?” and then
smack him. His turn ons are: Issues that matter to everyday Canadians,
innovative solutions that make a real difference, and getting votes. Turn offs
include: Fat cats and fat chicks. Jack’s definitely not to be taken seriously
regardless of how noble he says his intentions may be. And ask yourself this,
how noble can they be when he’s sided with the Liberals, Conservatives (aka The
Reform Party) and the Bloc? That’s right! Not that noble at all! Jack would
make gay marriage mandatory for all Canadians, and speaking of which, boy, would
he get up George Bush’s tightly clenched ass. Lastly, and that’s a word Jack
should really get comfortable with, unlike the Liberals and Conservatives (aka
The Reform Party) we suspect he wouldn’t actively steal from us but would
instead just drive Canada into its largest deficit ever...
Avery Ant –
Anti Political Party
I'd
rather get naked than convince someone to vote for me, but that’s my problem,
not yours. My biggest drawback seems to be getting on the ballot.
Because I’m not a “legal citizen” this makes me ineligible. And that’s a shame
because not only would I make one Primo Minister, but I’m down with all the
issues; particularly the hot button ones. And when it comes to Governance and
Accountability – hey, at least I’m honest enough to admit that I’m totally
corrupt. When I drink, I gamble. But if elected, I “promise” here and now to
stealing no more than the cash equivalent of 0.5% of the country’s GNP on an
annual basis. And that’s a hell of a lot less than those Liberal skunks. I also
like beer – which is a truly good Canadian thing to do! My favourite type of
beer is the one just before breakfast!
*(0.5 of GNP
is an estimate and may go higher depending on scope of other miscellaneous vice
related debts)
Daily
Link-O-Ramas
Cowation
The process
by which a person becomes a cow for no good reason...
The Bad Joke Generator
Autogenerates even worse jokes
than I can come up with – and that’s saying something... I typed in: avery
ant, pismire, insect, rant. Here’s the classic comedy it came up with. Pure
gold, I tells ya:
What's avery ant's
favourite book?
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Pismire
What's avery ant's favourite song?
Light My Pismire
Who is avery ant's favourite poet?
Rante
Gabriel Rossetti
Lousy Comic Strips Made Better
Peanuts Parody: The Death of Linus
18 Tricks To Teach Your Body Thanks
Kirby
You can’t vote for me unless you’re registered. Or maybe you’d like to run your
own candidate. Hey, I’m up for the challenge...
Elections Canada
Fabulous
tunes at
the party party
In my
dreams! Watch Bush and Cheney tear each other a new one
The Texas Chainsaw President
Tony Blair isnae a numpty, he's a eejit
The Scottish Slang Dictionary
Warning Label Generator
All of
life’s answers are revealed at
Strindberg And Helium
Three cheers for
one good move
Your Horoscope
Aries:
Mars and Jupiter are at opposite ends of the sky and
this tug of war teaches you nothing. However, you remain conflicted about all
kinds of other stuff.
Taurus: They
say you shouldn’t judge anyone until you walk a mile in their shoes. But who
wants to wear someone else’s stinky shoes?
Gemini: You are in your car. You are lost and without a map – you refuse
to ask anyone for directions. You are a typical man.
Cancer: When you measure your wealth in material terms alone, you really
come up short. When you measure it in personal terms, you begin to weep
uncontrollably.
Leo: See above.
Virgo: You know how to fit more into one day than others do in a week.
Although that seems an unlikely connection as to why everyone is always asking
you to help them move. That probably has more to do with the fact that you own a
van.
Libra: Some of your assumptions are fallacious. Later today you will look
up the word “fallacious” in the dictionary.
Scorpio: Symbolic gestures are all fine and dandy but for once how about
actually buying someone a birthday gift?
Sagittarius: Your maverick spirit is stirring – go ahead, have that extra
spoonful of sugar in your coffee!
Capricorn: A visit to a carwash brings more satisfaction than all the
therapy in the world.
Aquarius: Prepare to go from the sublime to the ridiculous. Don’t
forget to wear clown pants.
Pisces: By focusing on what’s not possible
you have been ignoring what is possible and by ignoring what is possible you
have been focusing on what’s not possible. Which was your original plan. Carry
on.
The Farmer's Daughter
INT. FARM -- DAY
A farmer sits by table drinking coffee.
FARMER: I'm a farmer...a good one. It hasn't been easy for me but I've survived.
I do my best to support my family...at least I did until they started to
meddle...it's hard to get a moment's rest when your being hounded like a dog.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
Farmer's daughter hanging laundry.
DAUGHTER: My father is a good, kind man. He shouldn't lose his farm because of
interference from them...
EXT. FARM -- DAY
A Salesman standing at door.
SALESMAN: Hi...I'm a traveling salesman and my car just broke down.
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: I can't get any work done with them always showing up. It's uncanny the
way their cars breakdown around here. I must be on a major trade route or
something. But as much as they're a nuisance I feel it's my obligation to help
out.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
SALESMAN: It's getting late out and I was wondering...
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: I let them spend the night.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: He let's them spend the night.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
SALESMAN: Oh that's great! I'll sleep in the barn.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: I guess it all started about 10 years ago. I was 17 and a traveling
salesman showed up needing a place to spend the night. He was a Fuller Brush
man: wide tie, narrow features and a gift for the gab. Bernie, Bernie Slopak,
and I guess the romance of the explorer took me over. We talked and laughed and
went for a walk. He had a bottle of cheap whiskey in his samples case and he let
me drink it all to myself...
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: I swear I must have seen more then 7 thousand of them in the last 10
years.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
SALESMAN: Say, is that your daughter?
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: I spent the night with him in the barn...
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: Now I'm a religious man but even charity has it's limits. After a while
I started charging them 20 dollars a night and for some reason they were more
then happy to pay...
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: It was a beautiful experience. I made him promise he wouldn't tell
another soul about the whirlwind of passion that had transpired between us. But
pretty soon after that we had as many as three or four salesmen a day showing up
with their Fuller Brushes and cheap bottles of booze. I never minded much, in
fact I kind of liked the attention but I never slept with any of the others. But
I guess after a while it didn't matter, the whole situation had taken on mythic
proportions...that's when I started hearing the jokes...
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
Salesman talking to others.
SALESMAN: And then I picked up this corn cob...
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: They spend the night. Occasionally one makes a pass but it's never a
big deal. They sleep in the barn and in the morning they're back on their way
with a new chapter in the farmer's daughter legacy.
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: Their cars are always fine in the morning...dangest thing.
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: I never heard from Bernie again but I think of him a lot. I usually
imagine him blabbing to anyone who would listen and I think...
INT. FARM -- DAY
FARMER: If there were as many farmers as there are traveling salesmen the world
would be a better place.
INT. BAR -- NIGHT
SALESMAN: This woman should wear asbestos panties...
EXT. FARM -- DAY
DAUGHTER: What a little prick.
This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for
Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries
people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
canadian election insanity
avery the puissant
alcohol flavored lollypops
cardinals dress
complacency breeds contentment
beware hot dog salesman
joke charities
tad huntington
words that rhyme with fruity
vile balloons
Only 23
Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
To read all the other very exciting editions of
"Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
|
|
Send
this site to your friend! |
 |
