"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
August 29
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Arnold Stang's Waggish Tales
Liner
Notes.
Side One
1.
The Tale of The Repressed Misfit
2. Arnold And The Three Chicago Bears
3. Arnold’s Adventure In Strongman Land
4. Jack’s Big, Erect, Beanstalk
Side Two
1. Arnold’s Cautionary Tale of Meeting at
Public Washrooms
2. The Fairy And Hercules
3. The Crowing Cock
4. Arnold And The Seven Dwarves
He’s not as creepy as a
shopping store Santa, and unless you’re built like Atlas, he won’t get all
grabby.
He’s the voice of Top Cat
and he used to let Victor Mature take him home for weekends. Really! He’s
Arnold Stang and he’s got waggish tales to tell!
So sit back, close your
eyes and listen to Arnold’s quirky tales of big strong men and their oiled
muscles. If it’s a hilarious, mixed up adventure about an Adonis with a
chiseled chest and tight pelvis you’re looking for, then you can count on
Arnold to make it come alive! Lonely moms with an itch to scratch and certain
types of single uncles can also appreciate Arnold’s record as well.
Arnold’s always been a disappointment. He’s just like his father.
Oh well, I suppose it could be worse... He could be Italian.
Arnold’s Disappointed Mom
Cover photo:
Arnold’s Disappointed Mom © 1969 Don’t Spare The Rod Records
Your Horoscope:
Aries:
See below.
Taurus: You’re going through the motions today and so is the person
writing this horoscope.
Gemini: See above.
Cancer: You would be wise to see above.
Leo: If you look above you
at Cancer’s horoscope you will see you are getting closer to your horoscope.
Virgo: See above.
Libra: You will continue to view mice as small rodents of the families
Muridae and Cricetidae. And that’s an accurate assessment.
Scorpio: Today you will receive SPAM. That’s about it.
Sagittarius: The next big
step for you is shrouded in mist. The waning atmosphere brings a gentle
synthesis. The cow has jumped over the moon. Okay, hope that helps.
Capricorn: You keep thinking about a move you made quite some time ago
and wondering if you did the right thing. It’s time to get over that game of
checkers. Really!
Aquarius: Something that you cannot have always seems more attractive
than something that you can have. Wow, heavy, man.
Pisces: Pick any of one the horoscopes above and consider it yours.
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Guarded
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Tom Cruise
Vampire Cookbook
Word is that newly anointed vampire, Tommy
Cruiser, is preparing to release “The Cruiser’s Vampire Cook Book.”
Advance sales are already in the millions and Tom’s new army of
undead followers can’t wait to get into the kitchen with the vampire Tom.
“I bought my wife a copy,” said a guy
who likes to dress as a vampire, “and after I give it to her, I’m going to
drink her blood!”
I want to suck your...blood
Here’s a sneak preview of one of Tom’s
famous Blood-Sucking Recipes.
Vampire Soup
1 human sacrifice
6 medium leeks
4 large potatoes
8 cups blood stock
3tsp minced chives
In
saucepan combine leeks, potatoes and chives. Puncture neck of human sacrifice
and draw 8 cups of blood stock. Combine with other ingredients and simmer for
30 minutes.
Meet The Reapers
INT.
CLASSROOM -- DAY
MR.
HENDERSON conducts a parent-teacher interview with MR. REAPER and MRS. REAPER.
Mr. Reaper carries a sickle and is dressed in traditional black robe,
while Mrs. Reaper is in "normal" attire.
Mr. Henderson paces nervously.
MR.
HENDERSON: Well, Mr. & Mrs. Reaper, here's the grade three classroom,
there's Grim Jr.'s little desk...He's a good boy, a little intense,
but...well, thank-you for coming...
MRS
REAPER: We are just so thrilled to be here.
My husband and I think it's very important to take an active role in
our son's education. Not enough
parents do nowadays, don't you agree?
MR.
HENDERSON: Actually, I'm sort of into the whole...parents shouldn't have to
come to the school, ever...movement that's been really been picking up steam.
MRS
REAPER: So how is Grim Jr. doing in class, Mr. Henderson?
Is he keeping up with his schoolwork?
MR.
HENDERSON: Oh yes, he's very bright...his Latin is almost eerie.
MRS
REAPER: He gets that from his father. Doesn't
he, honey?
MR.
HENDERSON: He just works those boney fingers to the bone.
Ha ha ha... Care for a
cocktail?
Henderson
pulls a bottle out from desk drawer.
MRS
REAPER: No, thank-you.
MR.
HENDERSON: I know it's a bit early, but what the hell...
He
drinks. Mr. Reaper points at a
finger painting hanging on the wall.
MR.
HENDERSON (CONT'D): That? Yes,
that's Grim Jr.'s finger painting. He
called it, "Portrait of a Death Foretold" the caretakers been on
indefinite leave ever since the unveiling.
MRS
REAPER: He's such a little scamp. Does
he get along with the other children?
MR.
HENDERSON: Well, they are a little apprehensive around him.
MRS
REAPER: Apprehensive?
MR.
HENDERSON: Apprehensive. Terrified,
petrified, run away screaming, wet their pants.
You know how kids are.
MRS
REAPER: But have you noticed anything odd about Grim's behaviour?
MR.
HENDERSON: Well, he does tend to emit low, guttural moans.
MRS
REAPER: Maybe it's a cry for help.
MR.
HENDERSON: I don't think so. I've
heard lots of them from the other children.
MRS
REAPER: You know, his dad wanted to educate him at home.
MR.
HENDERSON: Great idea! There's a
lot to be said for that.
Mrs.
Reaper takes Mr. Henderson aside.
MRS
REAPER: The reason I ask about Grim Jr.'s behaviour is because...things
haven't been so "honky dory" at home.
We seem to be drifting apart. We
just don't have anything in common any more.
I want to make new friends, he wants to kill the ones we have.
I want a puppy, he wants to...well, you get the idea.
I'm just afraid it might be affecting the boy.
MR.
HENDERSON: I had no idea. I'm
sorry.
MRS
REAPER: (getting emotional) He's become so distant.
We haven't had sex in three months.
MR.
HENDERSON: And that bothers you? Why
is your husband pointing at me?
MRS
REAPER: He thinks you're poisoning Grim Jr.'s mind.
MR.
HENDERSON: Nonsense. I have
nothing to do with his mind. I'm
a teacher.
MRS
REAPER: Don't you point at Mr. Henderson, Grim.
It's not his fault our marriage is in trouble.
MR.
HENDERSON: Now let's not get hubby upset.
We don't want him flying off the handle.
He
takes another drink. Mrs. Reaper
begins to sob.
MR.
HENDERSON (CONT'D): Hey, Reaper, your wife is pretty upset over here...
MRS
REAPER: I'm sorry, Mr. Henderson, I didn't mean to lose control like this.
It's just...
MR.
HENDERSON: That's alright. Look,
Reaper, can I call you Reap? I
really don't know you, and I'd just as soon keep it that way...
Mr.
Henderson laughs alone.
MR.
HENDERSON (CONT'D): Boy, what a stiff...
Anyway, my point is that I've been teaching for a good many years, and
I've seen a lot of marriages fall apart.
My own, for example. And
believe me, nine times out of ten the problem is a lack of communication.
Talk to your wife, Reaper. Express
your fears, your dreams. Better
yet, go away on a vacation. I
hear Mexico's due for some earthquakes. And why not try a little image overhaul while you're at it?
Wear something with a pattern, try a Hawaiian shirt, tell the odd joke.
Lose the macho crap, learn to cry.
And another thing...I'm drunk and I'm sorry.
I don't know what came over me.
MRS
REAPER: Please, Grim, listen to Mr. Henderson.
Let's take a vacation...fall in love all over again.
Mr.
Reaper nods.
MRS
REAPER (CONT'D): Oh Honey! Thank-you,
Mr. Henderson.
MR.
HENDERSON: Not a problem.
MRS
REAPER: How can we ever repay you?
MR.
HENDERSON: Did I mention my ex-wife? Another
joke. Ha ha.
Sorry I was a little rough on you there Grim, no hard feelings, huh?
Mr.
Reaper extends his hand. Henderson
shakes it and falls to the ground dead.
MRS
REAPER: Well, that went well. Let's
go see the gym teacher next.
They
exit.
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
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20
year old puncture wound is still painful
Only 117 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
(to the top)
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