"I Think, Therefore I Ant."

August 26

        Meet The Reapers

INT. CLASSROOM -- DAY

MR. HENDERSON conducts a parent-teacher interview with MR. REAPER and MRS. REAPER.  Mr. Reaper carries a sickle and is dressed in traditional black robe, while Mrs. Reaper is in "normal" attire.  Mr. Henderson paces nervously.

MR. HENDERSON: Well, Mr. & Mrs. Reaper, here's the grade three classroom, there's Grim Jr.'s little desk...He's a good boy, a little intense, but...well, thank-you for coming...

MRS REAPER: We are just so thrilled to be here.  My husband and I think it's very important to take an active role in our son's education.  Not enough parents do nowadays, don't you agree?

MR. HENDERSON: Actually, I'm sort of into the whole...parents shouldn't have to come to the school, ever...movement that's been really been picking up steam.

MRS REAPER: So how is Grim Jr. doing in class, Mr. Henderson?  Is he keeping up with his schoolwork?

MR. HENDERSON: Oh yes, he's very bright...his Latin is almost eerie.

MRS REAPER: He gets that from his father.  Doesn't he, honey?

MR. HENDERSON: He just works those boney fingers to the bone.  Ha ha ha...  Care for a cocktail?

Henderson pulls a bottle out from desk drawer.

MRS REAPER: No, thank-you.

MR. HENDERSON: I know it's a bit early, but what the hell...

He drinks.  Mr. Reaper points at a finger painting hanging on the wall.

MR. HENDERSON (CONT'D): That?  Yes, that's Grim Jr.'s finger painting.  He called it, "Portrait of a Death Foretold" the caretakers been on indefinite leave ever since the unveiling.

MRS REAPER: He's such a little scamp.  Does he get along with the other children?

MR. HENDERSON: Well, they are a little apprehensive around him.

MRS REAPER: Apprehensive?

MR. HENDERSON: Apprehensive.  Terrified, petrified, run away screaming, wet their pants.  You know how kids are.

MRS REAPER: But have you noticed anything odd about Grim's behaviour?

MR. HENDERSON: Well, he does tend to emit low, guttural moans.

MRS REAPER: Maybe it's a cry for help.

MR. HENDERSON: I don't think so.  I've heard lots of them from the other children.

MRS REAPER: You know, his dad wanted to educate him at home.

MR. HENDERSON: Great idea!  There's a lot to be said for that.

Mrs. Reaper takes Mr. Henderson aside.

MRS REAPER: The reason I ask about Grim Jr.'s behaviour is because...things haven't been so "honky dory" at home.  We seem to be drifting apart.  We just don't have anything in common any more.  I want to make new friends, he wants to kill the ones we have.  I want a puppy, he wants to...well, you get the idea.  I'm just afraid it might be affecting the boy.

MR. HENDERSON: I had no idea.  I'm sorry.

MRS REAPER: (getting emotional) He's become so distant.  We haven't had sex in three months.

MR. HENDERSON: And that bothers you?  Why is your husband pointing at me?

MRS REAPER: He thinks you're poisoning Grim Jr.'s mind.

MR. HENDERSON: Nonsense.  I have nothing to do with his mind.  I'm a teacher.

MRS REAPER: Don't you point at Mr. Henderson, Grim.  It's not his fault our marriage is in trouble.

MR. HENDERSON: Now let's not get hubby upset.  We don't want him flying off the handle.

He takes another drink.  Mrs. Reaper begins to sob.

MR. HENDERSON (CONT'D): Hey, Reaper, your wife is pretty upset over here...

MRS REAPER: I'm sorry, Mr. Henderson, I didn't mean to lose control like this.  It's just...

MR. HENDERSON: That's alright.  Look, Reaper, can I call you Reap?  I really don't know you, and I'd just as soon keep it that way...

Mr. Henderson laughs alone.

MR. HENDERSON (CONT'D): Boy, what a stiff...  Anyway, my point is that I've been teaching for a good many years, and I've seen a lot of marriages fall apart.  My own, for example.  And believe me, nine times out of ten the problem is a lack of communication.  Talk to your wife, Reaper.  Express your fears, your dreams.  Better yet, go away on a vacation.  I hear Mexico's due for some earthquakes.  And why not try a little image overhaul while you're at it?  Wear something with a pattern, try a Hawaiian shirt, tell the odd joke.  Lose the macho crap, learn to cry.  And another thing...I'm drunk and I'm sorry.  I don't know what came over me.

MRS REAPER: Please, Grim, listen to Mr. Henderson.  Let's take a vacation...fall in love all over again.

Mr. Reaper nods.

MRS REAPER (CONT'D): Oh Honey!  Thank-you, Mr. Henderson.

MR. HENDERSON: Not a problem.

MRS REAPER: How can we ever repay you?

MR. HENDERSON: Did I mention my ex-wife?  Another joke.  Ha ha.  Sorry I was a little rough on you there Grim, no hard feelings, huh?

Mr. Reaper extends his hand.  Henderson shakes it and falls to the ground dead.

MRS REAPER: Well, that went well.  Let's go see the gym teacher next.

They exit.

      

    This Week’s Featured Album:
       Music For Your Plants

Liner Notes.

Side One

1. Grow, Damn It! 
2. Green Thumb, My Ass
3. Mocked By A Fern
4. More Water? More Shade? What Is It You Want???
5. Fertilizer Blues

Side Two

1. Perhaps A Fish Tank...
2. Hydroponic Hell
3. Where Did Those Bugs Come From?
4. Requiem For a Ficus
5. My Plant Is Smarter Than Me... Or Should That Be I?

“Music For Your Plants” is based on scientific* research that has been cited in The National Enquirer and on The Phil Donohue Show.

In recent years scienticians and other lunatic fringe researchers have conducted experiments demonstrating the effects of music on plants. These remarkable experiments – in that they are a remarkable waste of time and money – have proven incontrovertibly+ that evil rock music (performed by long haired, stupid, marijuana smoking lay-abouts) actually hurts plant growth while classical music (performed by long-haired, sherry drinking, intellectual lay-abouts) stimulates plant growth.

The most renowned (ha!) researcher in the field, Mrs. Sally Retallack, of Hooterville, Tennessee, began experimenting on plants after her cats all died. Today she is a noted “Plant Scientician” and the results of her work are discussed among her neighbors, many of whom are concerned that has stopped bathing.

In her most noted experiment, Mrs. Retallack placed identical groups of healthy houseplants in two separate Environmental Control Chambers. The only variable was the type of music played in each one.

While her previous experiments on cats had driven the poor creatures insane, her work on plants proved fascinating – to her, at least.

In the rock chamber the plants became ignorant, lazy and criminal. All they seemed to want to do was fornicate, mellow out and “hassle the pigs.” They needed excessive water, called her a “bummer” and after 18 days, Mrs. Retallack was so disgusted with their “let it all hang out” attitude that she shipped them off to Vietnam. Flower power indeed!

In the classical chamber the results were just the opposite. The good, law abiding republican plants grew leaves and flowers more rapidly. They saluted the flag and required water only once a week. By the end of 18 days they were baking pies and doing jumping jacks.

Based on Mrs. Retallack’s research and our desire to rid the world of undesirables, this album provides a selection of the kind of music that good American plants like.

Classical Plant No. 36A-B69    1971

* No, not really
+ No, not really

Cover photo: Classical Plant No. 23D-P90 © 1971 Vegetative Records          

Your Horoscope:

 

Aries: You should by now be feeling more confident about a relationship that at time you thought might not last. Yes, your cat loves you. (Well, tolerates you, anyway.)
Taurus: You’re on a roll! That is to say that you’re sitting on a dinner roll. How embarrassing...
Gemini: Today many will comment on your similarities to a pillow. Feel free to smother them.
Cancer: A few words from you could be all it takes to help a loved one. FYI: Those words aren’t, “that dress makes you look fat.”
Leo: A few words from you could be all it takes to help a loved one. FYI: Those words aren’t, ”that fat makes you look fat.”
Virgo: Sensitive souls find their spirits brought down by the vicissitudes of life. That, and killer bees, those things can ruin anyone’s day.
Libra: You’ve just read Virgo’s horoscope and find yourself wondering what “vicissitudes” means.
Scorpio: You will continue to view Bigfoot as a very large, hairy, humanlike creature purported to inhabit the Pacific Northwest and Canada. Of course when we say, “view” we mean it in a metaphorical sense. It’s not like you’ve ever actually seen a Sasquatch.
Sagittarius: See Leo and Cancer.
Capricorn: You have the dexterity of a chimpanzee and the table manners of a hairy ape.
Aquarius: You never like to admit you’re wrong, but it’s only because you’re not – ever!
Pisces: Ha, we almost forget about you, tucked all the way down there. That is all...

              Tom Cruise Insanity Watch 
          Today: Severe      
   (Check Back For Daily Updates)

                      

Tom Cruise Comes out of Closet, Transforms into Bat – Flies Away!

In a stunning move, Tommy Cruiser has admitted he is a homosexual – and a vampire.

”Yes, I am Lord Tommy, Prince of Darkness! And I renounce my previous Scientology ways and accept gay Satan into my heart.” He jeered at those assembled around him. “Now avert your gaze and leave me be, glib mortals. This interview is over! Ha! Ha!” he cried out before trying to transform himself into a bat.

Unfortunately for the canned ham, he was unable to make the transition and ended up flagging a cab.

“My powers wane in the daylight,” he roared while been driven off.

Will we ever see him again?  Who knows? But in case not, here’s a final epitaph:

Tom Cruise – Homosexual Vampire, overrated actor, and all round litigious crackpot.  

So long mere mortals!!

This Week's 10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant

The following are this week’s favorite 10 search queries people used to get to www.averyant.com  (really!)

wonderwoman pie in the face
canned ham lyrics
how to use a crackpipe
backyard bomb shelter
princess diana haunting
godzilla attacks japan
boozehound pics
trusting a hotdog salesman
circus freaks
nudist frat boy

Only 120 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!

World’s 10 Most Powerful Superwomen

Our very first ranking of the World's 10 Most Powerful Superwomen is done. We’ve picked the chicks and ranked these ladies like they were common beauty queens. Our results are based on their résumés, babe factor, superpower abilities, and biggest gonads in the global marketplace.  

1. Condoleezza Rice
Secretary of State – U.S.
Superpower – Invincible To Fire

She is the first African-American woman to become the U.S. secretary of state and she is impervious to flames. She advises the stupidest man in the world and can live on the sun.

With her steely nerve, magical golden vest and assortment of heavy chains, the "Warrior Princess" can swallow nuclear bombs, shoot bolts of fire from her nostrils and still find the time to make a bunt cake. Will she run for president? Find out in the next issue: “Warrior Princess: The Taste of Absolute Power!” 

Having finally rid her self of the draining “Horny Albatross Bill Creature” we think Super Hilary and her Opportunistic Superpowers will go far. And we love that Cat Costume of hers! As of yet this feline carpetbagger hasn’t done anything except complain about videogames, but like all opportunistic creatures, she’s ready to pounce at any second. Meow!

5.Margaret (Mega-Bomb) Whitman
Chief executive, eBay – U.S.
Superpower – Ability To Morph  

As ruler of the world's biggest online auction site, this morphing marvel has successfully beaten back stiff competition from the evil Amazon.com and the sinister stooge Yahoo! And all by transforming into different types of zany computer viruses in order to destroy those who would compete against her. Dressed in her power suits but always ready to morph, she faithfully and diligently follows her goal for sole control of the world. Her catch phrase, “I’m not buying that, creep” is deliciously ironic. 

6. Oprah
Chief Executive Harpo – U.S.
Superpower – Mind Control

With a net worth of more than $1 billion, an Academy Award nomination, a hit television show, a successful magazine, a cable channel, and her ability to leap tall buildings, lose weight, fire producers on a whim, bring white-trash to the airwaves, and control the minds of the world’s citizens, there seems to be little else that Super Oprah can do – except find love. Love is her kryptonite.

7. Wonder Woman
Original Action Hero – U.S.
Superpower – Total Babe Who Can Do It All & Possible Lesbian! 

With her great strength, power of flight, bullet-deflecting bracelets, wondrous breasts, and star-studded style like no other, the original "psychological propaganda for the modern type of woman who should rule the world" has a new movie and her own lines of jeans, perfume, and kinky toys. Beware, Fascists and Nazis, and rejoice, nerds everywhere – the babe of your wet dreams and her magic lasso are back!

8. Mamma
Figurehead and Cliché – Canada
Superpower – Uses Pizzas As Weapons  

Having saved her family pizzeria from the “Evil Conglomerate Creatures,” Mamma is now getting even with all those who trifled with her. Her ability to use the pizza as a weapon is a novel approach and makes her unlike any other superwoman. Her lack of concern about body image and personal hygiene are a breath of fresh air – so to speak! 

9. Nicole Richie 
Actress? – U.S.
Superpower – The Incredible Shrinking Woman

“Able To Withstand Large Doses Of Drugs & Alcohol – It’s Super Nicole!”

Some might say that poor little Richie rich girl Nicole is the Robin to Paris’s Batman, the Kato to her Green Hornet, the Garfunkle to her Simon, but don’t be misled. This sassy and ever-shrinking party girl pulls the strings. The truth is that Paris is actually ventriloquist Nicole’s dummy and is made out of foam, latex, and a wooden head. But we all suspected as much, didn’t we? Nicole’s superpowers will increase once she fulfills her destiny to marry the evil overlord, Rupert Murdoch. But will she use her new powers for good? Tune in next week: Same Richie Time, Same Richie Channel.

10. The Ghost of Princess Di
Royal & Back From Dead – U.K.
Superpower – Impervious To Getting Shot

The most photographed ghost in heaven is coming back to earth and look out Paparazzi because it’s payback time. Dressed in her Versace supercostume, this royal wants vengeance. The evil press can shoot her all they like but this time they’ll get nothing because you can’t capture ghosts on film. Their futile cries of “Die, Princess Di!” only enrages this superspecter even more as she shoots back with her ectoplasm. Princess Di is back from heaven – and there’s gonna be hell to pay!

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