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"I Think, Therefore I Ant."
August 25
Iron
Maiden’s Eddie Pissed
At Annoying Sharon Osbourne
Bring me the yakking head of Sharon Osbourne!
Iron Maiden figurehead, unofficial band
member, and groupie magnet, Eddie, has declared a heavy metal war on Sharon
Osbourne. The skeletal corpse is also trying to get angry fans to sign a
petition that he plans to send to Ozzy’s wife. In it he wishes her Satanic
horrors and bodily harm.
The unpleasantness began at an Ozzfest
concert in Devore, California over the weekend. When Iron Maiden took the
stage, Black Sabbath fans apparently began chanting for Ozzy to appear, with
some hurling eggs, bottles and various other non-Satanic items on stage.
Iron Maiden’s lead singer, Bruce
Dickinson, ordered Eddie into the crowd with instructions to “break the arms
of the hurlers, and cast them to hell!”
Eddie, ever the loyal and devilish fiend,
upped the ante and also made snide comments about heavy-metal singers who
appear in reality shows while breaking arms and summoning up Lucifer.
“Technical difficulties” then erupted
in Iron Maiden’s show — with lighting and sound going to hell; fans of the
band blamed the problem on the organizers of Ozzfest. Although anyone with a
half a brain knows this was probably Satan’s doing.
Eddie denies this and says he and he alone
is in league with the Lord of the Underworld and that there’s no way The
Prince of Darkness would do this to his pals/slaves from Iron Maiden. He also
claims that Kelly Osbourne was one of the eggers, which the Osbourne camp
denies.
Heavy metal’s most despised and annoying
shill, Sharon Osbourne took the stage afterwards and reportedly called
Dickinson an obscenity and said that he had been disrespectful of Ozzfest and
Lucifer since the beginning of the tour.
That has brought out the wrath of Eddie and Iron
Maiden fans, not to mention ensuing hilarity for the rest of us. “Sharon and
Kelly’s actions towards Bruce and Iron Maiden are despicable at best,”
wrote eloquent Eddie, “it clearly shows how low they are willing to go to
upstage an incredible act. Oh, and Sharon’s a total cow and Kelly is a fat
little piglet. They’re not even worthy of sacrifice.”
This
Week’s Featured Album:
Music For Your Plants
Liner Notes.
Side One
1. Grow, Damn It!
2. Green Thumb, My Ass
3. Mocked By A Fern
4. More Water? More Shade? What Is It You Want???
5. Fertilizer Blues
Side Two
1. Perhaps A Fish Tank...
2. Hydroponic Hell
3. Where Did Those Bugs Come From?
4. Requiem For a Ficus
5. My Plant Is Smarter Than Me... Or Should That Be I?
“Music For Your Plants” is based on
scientific* research that has been cited in The National
Enquirer and on The Phil Donohue Show.
In recent years scienticians and other lunatic fringe researchers have
conducted experiments demonstrating the effects of music on plants. These
remarkable experiments – in that they are a remarkable waste of time and
money – have proven incontrovertibly+ that evil rock music (performed by
long haired, stupid, marijuana smoking lay-abouts) actually hurts plant growth while
classical music (performed by long-haired, sherry drinking, intellectual lay-abouts)
stimulates plant growth.
The most renowned (ha!) researcher in the
field, Mrs. Sally Retallack, of Hooterville, Tennessee, began experimenting on
plants after her cats all died. Today she is a noted “Plant Scientician”
and the results of her work are discussed among her neighbors, many of whom
are concerned that has stopped bathing.
In her most noted experiment, Mrs. Retallack placed identical groups of
healthy houseplants in two separate Environmental Control Chambers. The only
variable was the type of music played in each one.
While her previous experiments on cats had driven the poor creatures insane,
her work on plants proved fascinating – to her, at least.
In the rock chamber the plants became ignorant, lazy and criminal. All they
seemed to want to do was fornicate, mellow out and “hassle the pigs.” They
needed excessive water, called her a “bummer” and after 18 days, Mrs.
Retallack was so disgusted with their “let it all hang out” attitude that
she shipped them off to Vietnam. Flower power indeed!
In the classical chamber the results were just the opposite. The good, law
abiding republican plants grew leaves and flowers more rapidly. They saluted
the flag and required water only once a week. By the end of 18 days they were
baking pies and doing jumping jacks.
Based on Mrs. Retallack’s research and
our desire to rid the world of undesirables, this album provides a selection
of the kind of music that good American plants like.
Classical Plant No. 36A-B69
1971
*
No, not really
+ No, not really
Cover photo: Classical Plant No. 23D-P90
© 1971 Vegetative Records
Your Horoscope:
Aries: If you approach the same old problem in the
same old way, well, you should not be surprised if you get the same old
result. Boy, that’s profound, huh? It’s a good thing you’re not paying
for this advice.
Taurus: See
above. Feel let down.
Gemini: The world is full of people who yearn to be recognized as being
responsible, authoritative and wise. In their haste to play the part, they
often end up being irresponsible, unauthoritative and stupid. Put that in your
pipe and smoke it.
Cancer: Life may not be quite as hectic as it has been, but that’ll
happen when you’re in a coma.
Leo: Your money problems become other people’s money problems. Funny
how that works.
Virgo: Save your powers of intellectual analysis to figure out the
difference between a butter knife and a steak knife and instead focus on the
lint in your belly button.
Libra: Duck!
Scorpio: See above.
Sagittarius: Your flatulence becomes a concern for your friends and
loved one. Expect an intervention soon.
Capricorn: You will continue to view Capricorns as one who is born
under the sign of the goat.
Aquarius: A millionaire once calculated that it would cost him $20 if
were to bend down and pick up a penny on the street. Wow, that’s one smug
bastard.
Pisces: Make good use of Uranus today. Ooops! We mean the planet Uranus...
You see it’s in your birth sign and... He, he, he... Uranus!
Tom
Cruise Insanity Watch
Today:
Severe
(Check
Back For Daily Updates)
Martyred Cruise Back on Streets and
Acting Kooky
Flaming nut job Tommy Cruiser
will be appearing in his underwear on the front-cover of US pop and
politics magazine Radar with five arrows appearing to pierce his skin,
suggesting that St. Sebastian and his Catholic flunkies has got nothing on the
canned ham and his Scientology pals.
The pure fluff piece is tentatively headlined: "Risky Business: the untold
story of a really gay Scientology's movie-star martyr", although chance are
the litigious Cruise will have his lawyers do something about that. Or who
knows, maybe he’ll simply fire a thunderbolt from his finger and destroy the
magazine’s editors. It could go either way.
In the accompanying article, a handful of former Scientologists and business
acquaintances of Cruise, claim Cruise is close to becoming a member of the
Church's mythical Sea Org level and that he has a bad habit of slurping his coffee...
And being totally insane.
Said one cloaked member: "Oooh ma goom. Licky ba ba! Watch the eyes of
Tom. If you look at him, he has that dedicated glare that Sea Org members
have. Licky boo boo na, na, na, na."
The article also clearly states that Cruise's War of the Worlds director,
Steven Spielberg, was totally pissed at the canned ham’s Scientology-heavy
interviews and romantic gestures for sham girlfriend Katie Holmes at a time
when he should have been washing Spielberg’s car.
Apparently
when Spielberg watched Cruise's manic declaration of love, he sensed that the
actor had probably also not cleaned his pool.
Waiting
For Baby
INT.
HALLWAY -- DAY
James
paces up and down a hallway.
JAMES:
I hope it's a boy...no, I hope it's a girl,
a beautiful girl. Aww, who am I
kidding, I want a boy. Someone I
can pal around with, someone I can toss the old pigskin with, someone I can
get drunk and sick with. Although
a girl would be nice too, a beautiful little girl to buy clothes for and take
on walks and brag about. "Yes
siree, this is my little girl!" But
what do I care? Boy. Girl. It doesn't
matter as long as it's happy and healthy...
Enter
Molly.
MOLLY:
Excuse me, you must be James.
I'm Molly, your blind date.
He
looks her over with a smile.
JAMES:
A girl... A beautiful girl! Well, I guess it's heterosexuality for me.
This Week's
10 Favorite Search Terms for Avery Ant
The following are this week’s favorite 10 search
queries people used to get to www.averyant.com
(really!)
wonderwoman
pie in the face
canned ham lyrics
how to use a crackpipe
backyard bomb shelter
princess diana haunting
godzilla attacks japan
boozehound pics
trusting a hotdog salesman
circus freaks
nudist
frat boy
Only 121 Shopping Days Left Until Xmas!
World’s
10 Most Powerful Superwomen
Our
very first ranking of the World's 10 Most Powerful Superwomen is done.
We’ve picked the chicks and ranked these ladies like they were common beauty
queens. Our results are based on their résumés, babe factor, superpower
abilities, and biggest gonads in the global marketplace.
1.
Condoleezza Rice
Secretary
of State – U.S.
Superpower – Invincible To Fire
She
is the first African-American woman to become the U.S. secretary of state and
she is impervious to flames. She advises the stupidest man in the world and
can live on the sun.
With
her steely nerve, magical golden vest and assortment of heavy chains, the
"Warrior Princess" can swallow nuclear bombs, shoot bolts of fire
from her nostrils and still find the time to make a bunt cake. Will she run
for president? Find out in the next issue: “Warrior Princess: The Taste of
Absolute Power!”
2.
Wu
Yi
Vice
Premier, Minister of Health – China
Superpower – Can Fly
Having
risen up the ranks of China's Communist Party, Wu Yi, 66, battled her
archvillain, the evil “Capitalist Menace” and became a member of The
Super Great Chinese Superhero Society. Wu Yi has been busy this year
helping China battle disgruntled textile manufacturers and ridding her country
of freethinkers and their pestilent ways. In a bold June speech in Hong Kong,
Wu Yi called for many to be shot and then flew over the city pointing out
traitors.
3.
Yulia
Tymoshenko
Prime
Minister – Ukraine
Superpower – Shoots Jets Of “Stun Ink” From Fingertips
This
supervixen toppled a stagnant, corrupt regime. Her buzz-phrase, “Feel the
Ukraine Pain!” is our fave. Able to punch out bad guys, drink vodka like no
one else and shoot an immobilizing “Stun Ink” from her fingertips, she is
using her superpowers to forcefully shake up Ukrainian oligarchs – her sworn
enemies and the evil forces that murdered her father, a poor and ignorant
cobbler. Her bold moves to re-privatize industrial assets and her “leaves
nothing to the imagination” costume make her a winner!
4.
Hilary Clinton
Morally Outraged Senator –
US
Superpower
– Opportunistic Powers
Having
finally rid her self of the draining “Horny Albatross Bill Creature” we
think Super Hilary and her Opportunistic Superpowers will go far. And we love
that Cat Costume of hers! As of yet this feline carpetbagger hasn’t done
anything except complain about videogames, but like all opportunistic
creatures, she’s ready to pounce at any second. Meow!
5.Margaret (Mega-Bomb) Whitman
Chief
executive, eBay – U.S.
Superpower – Ability To Morph
As ruler of the world's biggest online auction site, this morphing marvel has
successfully beaten back stiff competition from the evil Amazon.com and the
sinister stooge Yahoo! And all by transforming into different types of zany
computer viruses in order to destroy those who would compete against her.
Dressed in her power suits but always ready to morph, she faithfully and
diligently follows her goal for sole control of the world. Her catch phrase,
“I’m not buying that, creep” is deliciously ironic.
6. Oprah
Chief Executive Harpo – U.S.
Superpower – Mind Control
With
a net worth of more than $1 billion, an Academy Award nomination, a hit
television show, a successful magazine, a cable channel, and her ability to
leap tall buildings, lose weight, fire producers on a whim, bring white-trash
to the airwaves, and control the minds of the world’s citizens, there seems
to be little else that Super Oprah can do – except find love. Love is her
kryptonite.
7.
Wonder Woman
Original Action Hero – U.S.
Superpower – Total Babe Who Can Do It All & Possible Lesbian!
With her great strength, power of flight, bullet-deflecting bracelets,
wondrous breasts, and star-studded style like no other, the original
"psychological propaganda for the modern type of woman who should rule
the world" has a new movie and her own lines of jeans, perfume, and kinky
toys. Beware, Fascists and Nazis, and rejoice, nerds everywhere – the babe
of your wet dreams and her magic lasso are back!
8. Mamma
Figurehead and Cliché – Canada
Superpower – Uses Pizzas As Weapons
Having saved her family pizzeria from the
“Evil Conglomerate Creatures,” Mamma is now getting even with all those
who trifled with her. Her ability to use the pizza as a weapon is a novel
approach and makes her unlike any other superwoman. Her lack of concern about
body image and personal hygiene are a breath of fresh air – so to speak!
9.
Nicole Richie
Actress? – U.S.
Superpower – The Incredible Shrinking Woman
“Able To Withstand Large
Doses Of Drugs & Alcohol – It’s Super Nicole!”
Some might say that poor little Richie rich girl Nicole is the Robin to
Paris’s Batman, the Kato to her Green Hornet, the Garfunkle to her Simon,
but don’t be misled. This sassy and ever-shrinking party girl pulls the
strings. The truth is that Paris is actually ventriloquist Nicole’s dummy
and is made out of foam, latex, and a wooden head. But we all suspected as
much, didn’t we? Nicole’s superpowers will increase once she fulfills her
destiny to marry the evil overlord, Rupert Murdoch. But will she use her new
powers for good? Tune in next week: Same Richie Time, Same Richie Channel.
10.
The Ghost of Princess Di
Royal & Back From Dead – U.K.
Superpower – Impervious To Getting Shot
The
most photographed ghost in heaven is coming back to earth and look out
Paparazzi because it’s payback time. Dressed in her Versace
supercostume, this royal wants vengeance. The evil press can shoot her all
they like but this time they’ll get nothing because you can’t capture
ghosts on film. Their futile cries of “Die, Princess Di!” only enrages
this superspecter even more as she shoots back with her ectoplasm. Princess Di
is back from heaven – and there’s gonna be hell to pay!
TWO
GREAT LINKS TO CHECK OUT!
For some very excellent tunes, please visit http://thepartyparty.com/
Truly, some great tunes!
Also, for a wonderful piece of animation: http://elephanteggs.com/TCSP.htm
(to the top)
To read all the other mildly
exciting editions of "Avery's Daily Journal" visit
"Avery's Journal Archives"
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